Seasaw

She barely revisited the dating site, forgetting about her experiments. After a while, she only relied on the e-mail notifications and checked back with less and less enthusiasm. Eventually, as her activity decreased, so did the number of notifications. Her profile slowly became inactive, the system showed it up to the men looking for love online less and less frequently.

Yvette was able to safeguard that feeling, the weight of the wine bottle detached from her grip, as the setting sun glinted on the glass of the bottle for the last time as it hit the waves and submerged with a soothing, deep, thudding splash, and the memory of those four careless days. She preserved the inner peace and the rhythm of the mantra.

"I am enough, I am perfect, and I am more than enough! I love myself." From the addiction for confirmation, attaching all her nails into the feedback from the outside world, she successfully moved away to a state of self-acceptance. She still wanted love, of course, it was still the center of her every waking moment, the dark stranger, the white room from that weird old prophecy written on the pages of her grandmother's diary, and her thoughts wandered back every once in a while to the mysterious mail she got earlier, which contained one single word. Somehow, all of this was connected, she was sure about it. But she relieved herself from the pressure that weighed her down before, and flowed through life gracefully, without asking for anything but being grateful for what is given to her. She got back to rhythm, started hitting the gym regularly. It wasn't about fearing she gets left behind for not being eye-catching, it wasn't about loathing her own body and chasing a dream - it came as an honest dedication towards opening up her inner radiance and showing the world her true form. She did nothing she did not enjoy but her calmed mind helped her feel the difference between sudden desires dictated by her earthly properties and her true, heartfelt wishes. She just walked through life now as a wide-eyed kid, excited but content, always curious about what is lurking behind the next corner, how the twists and turns will unfold, trying to embrace life as it is. She loved Him already, and she would know that he is her soul connection when she sees him, but she had the patience and acceptance now to embrace that she just needs to let go.

She completely let her desperate chase after love by, when half a year later, on an average, cloudy Wednesday, the picture guy answered.

Yvette felt her personal reality turn upside down, and her emotions rushed through her veins like a flood after a dam crash. She heard the angels tearing the sky above her apart, the sudden radiance infusing her body. She jumped in her office, walked up and down next to the full window wall, closed the door, and called Grace.

"Hi honey, what's up?"

"He messaged me back, Grace. The picture guy got back to me."

"What?!" Grace laughed hysterically in disbelief "You can't be serious."

"It's true. Amazing, but true."

"Wow! Amazing, isn't it, now we are all fluffy-fluffy, hmmm? What did he write?"

"Nothing really. He was busy and then he forgot about the whole date site. He is on holidays and just checked in now. He said he answered immediately and would like to meet me as soon as he gets back, since he is not the mailing and chatting kinda guy…" she gave a sheepish smile.

"Wow. Cool! So how do you feel? After all those months, I mean, you kind of let it all go."

"My heart is racing, Grace. Phew... This is something… important, I… I needed this break to come to terms with who I am and what I want… he really got back to me only when I was ready…"

"Ha-ha, okay, babe, slow down. You will have plenty of time to melt away after the first date."

"Yeah, OK, Gracie, I'm out of here. I love you."

She cut the line and packed her things, still high on adrenaline. She stormed out of her office, sending a few smiles and waves around, but not slowing down for a second, so just everyone sees she is busy leaving. Within two hours, she put the pedal to the metal in her A4, cornering flat out through the mountain trail.

This time, she did not leave her parents' home for two weeks straight. She took long, lonely walks in the forest, spent hours contemplating in the garden, exercised every day and prayed constantly.

"Please, Universe, I know you are answering my prayers - please help me continue to be a loving and deserving friend, lover, girlfriend, and wife. Please help me to be able to accept him and his quirks for whom he is and please help him to be able to accept me and my quirks for who I am. Please help him to accept my high energy, quirky, weird, radiant, magically imperfect, flawed self. Help him to accept me and not just the material things in my life. I want to be able to share these things with the love of my life."

It could be argued that Yvette has fallen back like a helpless addict, though she felt very different. She viewed her recluse as a final cleansing, a preparation to take this opportunity as it is. Although she did pray for being ready for embracing her one true love, she did not forcefully believe that simply because this guy shows up after almost 7 months, he has to be special, he has to be the one. But she left that possibility open, and prepared to take advantage if the situation arises.

She did spend longer periods of time here sometimes, couple of times a year, but usually not for in this time of the year, and rarely longer than a week. Spending this much time within these walls and in the countryside around the estate drifted her closer to her childhood, and she felt the presence of her parents growing stronger. She ordered several new curtains, blankets, towels and a plethora of her favorite creams, gels, incenses, while picking herbs from within the leaf litter of the autumn forest. The spacious halls got more and more lively and cozy, life returned into the long abandoned country house. She used the time she spent here to get some of the smaller necessary repairs and maintenance work done. The several different mechanics and repairmen coming and going, in this house, several miles from the nearest settlement gave her some chills, but none of them had funny ideas, or did not express them openly at least. Yvette sometimes wasn't entirely sure if she was relieved or sorry about all these working men being all so polite and gentlemanly.

One guy, Jack, a plumber, was especially cute - not just because of his muscled shoulders and boyish, disheveled brown hair, but because of his natural, carefree demeanor. He sat with her on the old seesaw after finishing up the repairs in the bathroom. Yvette was delighted - of course, she could not enjoy the seesaw alone before, so now she let out a tiny screams each time the guy's weight lifted her up in the sky. She was delighted. She enjoyed her solitude, but the effortless friendliness of Jack reminded her of the importance of staying in the now, not sacrificing today for a hazy tomorrow, and always being aware of the gifts life is offering up.

"I'm sorry," she giggled. "I know you think I got a loose screw."

"Ah, no, I wouldn't say that…"

"But you think so!"

"There's nothing wrong with having fun. It's just a bit strange, you, all alone, out here. Aren't you afraid?"

"Well, should I be?" asked Yvette with playful innocence.

"I don't know. Stupid, I know, but… you know what they say…" said Jack, slowly crawling off the seesaw, letting Yvette descend to the ground gently, and grabbing his gear.

"What do they say?" asked Yvette, and she could not help getting worried.

"Ah, nothing. Old, superstitious folks are living here. It's just that when we were kids, we never were allowed to get close to this place which is quite okay! The woods nearby are private property. Now, I really need to go, Yvette. It was a pleasure!"

Jack left, and although he said goodbye with a warm smile, handing over his card and insisting that Yvette call him, whatever she needs, she still felt a dark cloud descending on her mood. The silence after he left seemed louder and more encompassing than it was before. Suddenly, when Yvette looked around the great walls of the house, she felt tiny and vulnerable beneath them.

She did not separate herself from her everyday life completely. She did spend time with running the business as well, few hours a day, using her laptop, sometimes sitting out in the garden, under the trees, on the stone benches with blankets and a hot cup of coffee, or at the large wooden table in front of the tall double-winged window with iron reinforcements, in her father's study room.

She took out her A4 for a spin sometimes, revisiting old childhood hiding spots and nearby villages. She never felt lonely, because she always remembered that her exile is according to her own will. She needed the contemplation, the prayers and the meditation - she balanced her mind with grinding silly dotcoms and series' on her laptop while wolfing down packs of candy. She was growing a bit too tight and boney from the gym sessions lately, anyway.

Of course, Yvette was also conversing with her guides. Jocelyn was trying to help her maintain her focus, which was not easy, as the day passed and their date with Jay got closer.

"You were so right!" said Yvette "I was just about cancelling my account when the guy I meditated about replied. I'm meeting him this week! Jocelyn!"

"What gentleman did you meditate on?" asked Jocelyn. She was like a statue of an ancient benevolent goddess who is testing the small tiger cub, playing at her feet.

"Well I just…, I said to myself," said Yvette, trying to get her mind together. "Please, whoever is searching for me, let him find me. And soon after, he did. The guy who was dancing at a parade. His photos were telling a story. A compelling one. He seemed to be the funniest guy on the whole site."

"Go on," said Jocelyn. "I sense you have something more to say."

"It's like when I wanted Ben although I knew deep inside he wasn't the one, you told me as well. Sara told me, even Grace told me back then. I could not stop talking to her about Ben, and still she has been telling me, since a long time ago, for more than a year, that he is not the one. This guy, Jay, he is exactly like you said. Sandy brown, curly hair, tan, he is Italian. He is sitting in a spacious apartment… a white room… I can't help but wonder…"

"I'm sorry, Yvette," Jocelyn stated quietly. "Something has shifted. He is not the one you are waiting for."

"What… the.... hell?"

"Go out with him. See where it all takes you. But he is not the one."