Chaotic Bliss

"I feel like I'm insane sometimes, I hear voices, I feel the energy raining on me, both positive and negative. And what I think is confusing, that is this constant buzz, within my ears, or inside my head. Reality and my mind is overlapping confusingly"

She never dared to mention the struggles she has with her studies to her guides, the sort of mental side effects she is experiencing. Her teachers would just make her recite the safety measures and turn her towards practices she is doing anyway. It just felt good to unload on someone who is not directly involved with her spiritual training, but who can understand.

"Embrace it. Reality is irrelevant. Embrace your mind."

"Thank You! I try that too, but I keep it straight by writing things down. Also I can keep it all under control with mantras. It's just sometimes… things happen which I knew will happen, some people tell me to move on, don't mind it, but since I know I'm right that is impossible. I just try to rely on myself and trust myself. Thank you, again. :) "

"What do you really want?"

The question caught Yvette by surprise - something she experiences less and less often lately. She crossed her feet the other way around and thought about the answer for a while. She did know that she was not completely honest here, but she wasn't sure what she is hiding from her Master. Hiding, in spite of knowing its utter futility. Like a criminal committing crimes solely for the reason of getting caught. Nicodemis wrote again, getting tired of her contemplation.

"Go deep. No fear. I hear your mind whispering."

"I want love,." she answered swiftly. "I deserve it. My soulmate is on the run, but he will return to me soon. But maybe he is not who I'm thinking he is."

There was a slight pause. Yvette had something else to say as well, she just tried to gather her thoughts. No answer arrived - attentive silence stared at her from the messaging app. She finally decided to go ahead and ask something, directly:

"What do you hear?  I looked for you the last time we talked and I couldn't find you, I'm glad I did today."

"Passion. It speaks loud in you. Hidden lust."

Yvette opened her mouth and closed it back again in amazement. She tried to kick down the insane stilettos as they started to weigh a bit too much on her feet, but she remembered that they won't just drop that easily, so she sat up instead cross legged - it was quite a feat, circling her legs around without kicking her laptop down from the bed and not sticking the heels into the silky sheets, and then crossing her legs without puncturing any arteries, but she managed; perks of the - somewhat - regular yoga sessions. She rearranged the disheveled, light purple silk bra. Now, she thought, what exactly this smug Egyptian thinks he is talking about? Hidden lust? Yvette wondered if he picked up that she hasn't been laid lately. True, the absence of Jay has taken its toll, since they were together on a daily basis before he left, not counting the few day breaks when one of them got angry with the other, but these intermissions have always been resolved with even more passionate sex. So, in a way, she was in need. She never had a problem with that, she never had sex for only sex's sake when she was not together with someone. She was able to take good care of herself when she needed that extra care only erotic pleasures could give, and she never thought of it as something central in her life, weeks could easily pass without any of that. Though, Grace is often messing with her mind, saying something similar. Mentioning her "sexual radiations" that are waiting to "explode" and things like that, mostly when she was high or she did overshoot her red wine dosage with a glass or three. But it was just the way Gracie is, always ready for a little fun, and taking full advantage of the male attention she receives. This opinion of hers is biased be her slightly exalted point of view - at least, that's what Yvette always thought.

She sighed, thinking that it's still two more nights before Jay returns. And of course, he never showed commitment, never hinted at their relationship as something serious, let alone special, always leaving the option of his possible liaisons in the air. On a long trip like this, Yvette thought, it is highly unlikely that he won't enjoy any female company. He was serious about his business, but no amount of work could rob him of the enjoyment of his life. That was almost like a credo for him - And Yvette acknowledged that, bitterly. Doing the same would not work for her - she was just wired differently.

"You hide. Why? What do you fear?" Nicodemis wrote.

Yvette bit her lip, and once again, had no idea what to answer. She downed the remaining bourbon tea, though there was not much tea left in it, after the second filling. The relaxing warm waves took over her body. She shrugged, and chuckled when she thought about the comedy of the whole situation. She is chatting about her love life with a random Egyptian, a total stranger, while getting drunk. What a glamorous Saturday night.

"Do you think I will get what I want from him?"

Yet, longing for outside confirmation to make things more absurd. Yvette smiled, while a bit of sadness descended on her. In a few minutes, she might babble about her innocent quest to find unconditional love, and how she wants nothing else and willing to do anything for it… That's what she loves to tell to herself as well, however, there are a whole lot of things she wants as well, if she could be completely honest with herself, she should accept that. For example, she wants another sip of bourbon.

"Yes. But you have to let go first."

When Yvette saw that answer, she almost typed in "Do you consult with Julie-Marie? Sounds like you do."  As a rapid response. But she swallowed that.

"OK. Sure, I will. There is this energetic draw to this person, what I can't explain, that's why it's kind of hard…" she wrote instead, slightly frustrated. He is right, of course, they all are right. "This is going nowhere." she thought. "I'm getting nowhere."

The next line appeared on her scree almost immediately.

"You want more, a deeper connection. Yet, you hesitate. Why? Do you fear your desires?"

"I am not sure, but…" Yvette typed, then abruptly stopped, mumbling "Ah, screw this…" and clicked on the video call icon. She was almost 100% sure that Nicomedia won't allow direct contact with him, not just yet. He is secretive, her grandmother hinted at that, he is "veiled", that's what Jocelyn said, and he will not come forward like this. Not just yet.  But what could happen? He just rejects her call and that's it, if he wants to keep hiding.

To her utter surprise, the connection was established. It was not until a millisecond before her laptop started the transmission that it occurred to Yvette that she is sitting there still almost naked, her tight boobs slightly elevated and pressed up, almost bulging out by the tricky piece of lingerie, so she blushed and stamped on the Camera Off icon. Her own image flashed up once in the corner of her own screen, before going dark. She bit her lip as she feared the feed of her camera was visible on the other side for a second anyway. What would he be thinking? Talking about lust and stuff, and while she plays the innocent on chat, she is sitting here in this slutty outfit. She hoped she cut the transmission in time. She breathed in and regained her composure.

Nicodemis did not have his camera on. His profile image now filled the screen in front of Yvette. The big, golden eye of Horus just staring at her, from the depths of a black ocean. In a size this big, it was clear that it was the very same image she saw on the wall downtown.

"So, yeah, I'm not sure." started Yvette, talking to the eye. "I don't know what I fear. I actually want to learn, I do work to know more about the unknown. I usually love knowing what other people don't know. It's just getting a bit hard lately. I almost feel crazy, sometimes. I'm intuitive, yeah, even telepathic, yeah, I just… I do fear what people think about me, that's the truth."

The Egyptian Master did not speak either. A faint, hypnotic Middle-Eastern music started to filter through the speakers, and his answer appeared on the side of the screen, still in text. It gradually faded in, with a glowing animation, stayed there for a while, drifting through the screen, and then dissolving into the dark swirl of the profile picture.

"You are the Light. A goddess of white light, with a crown. Feel free to say what you want, without fear, or judgment."

Yvette felt touched. That was very open and kind. So different to the very dark, strict, metaphysical discourse he's been writing so far. Yvette took a deep breath and felt a little comforted. She even laughed out loud a little.

"I love to talk. It's good to talk to you, it helps me, honestly, I think I need this, I don't know who I can share these things lately. They heard it all and I also heard all they can say. But it's just… talking is no problem, it's how people will receive it…"