I Choose Her

I'm determined to make the most of this weekend. I may not be with Alastair, but I can still help him by gathering intel.

I haven't had a moment alone with Dad all week, but I finally find the perfect opportunity to talk to him about the mating bond on Saturday morning. The opportunity comes while we are sitting at the kitchen table, working on a project for the Luna together.

See, unlike me, Dad has an excellent eye for design and is meticulously detail oriented. This means he is often tasked with making Mom's or Luna Esther's "visions" come to fruition. Whether that means sewing twenty tree costumes for the nursery's annual Harvest Moon play or crushing hundreds of rose petals into calligraphy ink for a mating ceremony's invitations. It doesn't matter what the task: Dad's the man.

His duties don't exactly fit the textbook definition of a normal Beta, but I don't think Alpha Edmund picked him for his fighting prowess. No, if there is a threat to our borders, the Alpha or one of the pack defenders will deal with it directly, with the help of the coven sometimes. (Or well… we used to get help from the coven. Mostly in dealing with rogues. I'm not so sure anymore.) Either way, I don't think Dad has ever hurt a fly. Nope, I think the Alpha just values Dad's advice more than anything and they've been friends since childhood.

Right now, Dad is cutting out and bedazzling golden stars which will act as decorations for Ashley's baby shower. I've escaped cleaning duty by offering to help him, but I probably shouldn't have volunteered. While his stars are perfectly symmetrical and evenly glittered, I can't cut in a straight line to save my life and my glue keeps clumping in weird places.

So I'm more than a little surprised when Dad says, "Your mother and I have been talking, and we are really proud of you, Cam."

I blink once. Twice. "Really?"

"Yeah, you've really stepped up these last two weeks. And don't think I haven't noticed how you continue to balance school with all your new responsibilities as the Luna's assistant."

My heart glows at the praise. "Thanks, Dad."

"So, we've decided to give you this." He pulls out a neatly wrapped box from a hiding place under the kitchen table. "Think of it as a belated birthday gift."

I hesitantly take the gift from him and peel back the wrapping paper carefully. I am shocked by what I find. A new iphone. The newest model. "This— this is for me?"

Dad chuckles lightly. "Yes. We were planning on giving it to you anyway on your birthday, but well… you disappeared from your party and then, you were grounded, so the timing was never right."

"Does this mean I'm not grounded anymore?"

"Well, you still have to go to the Luna's every afternoon, but your mother and I have agreed to reinstate some of your privileges. The phone being one of them."

"Thank you, Dad." I hug him, letting myself feel a little happy. I know my parents still expect me to eventually mate with Davy, but at least I've seemed to earn back their trust a little bit.

"You're welcome, bud. Oops, watch the glitter." I pull back, realizing I've inadvertently stuck my elbow in his most recent creation.

I laugh a little. The atmosphere is just right. This is the perfect moment.

"Actually, Dad. I was curious about something."

"Well, you know you can ask me anything. What's up?"

"I was wondering…" I take a moment to think about how I want to word my question. "What is it like for you and Mom to be able to sense each other's emotions?"

"What do you mean, bud?"

"Like… do you get upset when she's upset?"

"Well, of course I'm unhappy if my mate is unhappy."

"No, what I mean is… Do you literally feel what she is feeling or do you just... sense what she is feeling?"

"Hm… I've never thought too much about it, but I suppose her emotions are not directly linked to mine. It's more like… I can smell her pheromones and they change based on what she is feeling."

My heart takes off racing. Holy shit. "Um… I thought only alphas and omegas emit pheromones."

"Oh no, all wolves do. It's just that usually only soulmates can sense them. You know how older wolves talk about their mates having a unique smell?"

I swallow thickly. "Yes."

"Well, that's pheromones. Omegas and alphas just emit stronger pheromones than normal wolves, so that's why we can sense their more powerful emotions. But even then, only soulmates can truly smell the subtle differences and changes in each others' moods."

"Oh. That makes sense I guess."

This is fine, I try to tell myself. This means nothing. It's just… a really good analogy. Maybe. Just because Alastair made the analogy between his empathic link and smells once doesn't mean anything. Nothing at all. He says he "hears" thoughts all the time, but that's just an analogy too. I mean, how can you really hear preformed ideas and vague pictures? So, maybe this whole pheromones thing is just an analogy too.

It's an even better analogy than I initially thought. But that's ok. Yeah. That's actually a good thing. It means comparing Alastair's empathic link to mating will be informative. Helpful. I can work with this.

"Dad… do you ever get… overwhelmed by feeling someone else's emotions all the time?"

"Hmm… I guess sometimes it's hard, but it is always hard when someone you love is in pain."

"But how is that fair? Or healthy?"

"Cam, that's just a part of all relationships. For example, I feel sad when I see you or Ellie or Nico suffering. With your mom, I just… have an advantage. It is easier to pinpoint the source of her pain. It's easier to understand her and empathize. If anything it makes our relationship stronger."

"But… do you ever feel like you have to keep her happy?"

"If that were true your mother and I would never fight," he laughs. "The connection goes both ways, you know. Do you get the impression that Mom ever does anything except exactly what she wants to?" He chuckles lightly, shaking his head as his eyes fill with affection.

I grimace. No, Mom is very strong willed and, at least from my perspective, often steam rolls over Dad's opinions.

"But… do you ever feel like you were… forced to care about someone you didn't even choose?"

"Forced? Who is forcing me?"

"I don't know… the Moon Goddess?"

Dad laughs a little. "The Moon Goddess didn't force me to do anything. I could have rejected Mom when I found out we were mates. I still could reject her, break our bond."

What? My eyes widen in horror at his suggestion.

He seems unperturbed by the gravity of what he just said. "I did choose your mom. I still choose her, everyday."

Why? I want to ask.

I don't ask. I thought I knew why.

Rejecting one's mate is an unforgivable sin. Most packs will make you a rogue for doing it. In theory, it is ok to choose your mate and indirectly reject a soulmate you've never met. The soulmate would then immediately become aware of their rejection. It is supposed to be very painful, akin to losing a soulmate to death, but it is possible and I suppose doesn't end in becoming a rogue.

I've just never heard of anyone actually doing it before. Chosen mates are a thing of fairy tales. Tragic stories about alphas who search for years to find their one true love to no avail, only to eventually take pity on a poor omega who lost their mate young. In those stories, the alpha is always seen as a chivalrous hero who made a valiant effort to follow the Moon Goddess' plan of happiness for him, but ultimately sacrificed his own happiness for the good of the pack by taking on an unmated omega.

Omegas, after all, are alphas' natural mates and, supposedly, are more likely to produce alpha children. Some wolves even believe omegas are actually evolutionary descended from alphas, because we emit pheromones like alphas, sometimes just as powerfully during our heat cycles. So, an alpha rejecting a soulmate he's never met to mate with an omega and ensure continuation of the alpha line, that is acceptable.

At least in theory. But, like I said, I've literally never met anyone who's done that. And the idea that Dad would risk becoming a rogue by rejecting Mom is just ludicrous, so I'm pretty sure whatever point he is trying to make is invalid.

"So… you don't think it is unhealthy to be so... dependent on another person?" I ask.

"Not really." Dad squints, pursing his lips in the way he does when he is thinking hard. "Codependency is a problem, because one partner enables another partner's bad behaviors. Like when someone buys drugs for an addicted spouse, because they are afraid of the symptoms of withdrawal. I think codependency leads to a lot of abusive relationships in humans, but it is pretty rare for wolves, because our emotional interdependency goes both ways. We need each other and there is a balance between giving and taking in our relationship."

"But, do you always have to take? What if by giving you also receive? Is it always about compromise or are there ever any win-win relationships?"

"Of course, Cam! Making my mate happy makes me happy, but that doesn't mean we don't all have needs. We all need emotional intimacy. We all need love. When both parties willingly and happily meet each other's needs: that's a healthy relationship."

I agree with what Dad is saying, in theory. But a small part of me still questions, still doubts. Does Dad really not see the irony in his argument? Does he really not think his relationship with Mom is just a little bit codependent?

Dad has always been open and non-judgemental—at least before the whole "rejecting Davy" debacle—so I risk pushing him just a little bit further on this point. "So, you've never felt like you needed to meet Mom's needs, but didn't really want to?"

Dad just laughs and shakes his head. "I think we are going in circles here, bud. You'll understand once you're mated what the mate bond is really like."

"But, is it even really the same for chosen mates and soulmates?" I mutter bitterly.

Dad furrows his brow, but I don't think he is really upset by my insolent question. It usually takes quite a lot to get him worked up. "Usually" being the key word. Who knows anymore. "Well, I guess no one really knows for sure, but from what I've gather from the way chosen mates talk about each other, yes. It's the same."

"You've met a chosen pair before?" I'm a little surprised by this.

"Of course. Wilson and his wife are chosen mates."

"Old Man Wilson who runs the apple orchard?"

Dad nods. "Yeah. Both of them had mates who died in childhood."

"I— I had no idea." I whisper wide eyed.

Dad chuckles a little at my reaction. "It's more common than you think, Cam. You don't have to worry about being judged for choosing Davy."

I scowl, my good mood evaporating. "But Dad, my mate isn't dead. I would know."

"True, but we invited all the unmated wolves in the state to your birthday party. We gave you a chance to meet them. The world is so big, Cam, and it's only getting bigger. Who knows where your soulmate lives. You may never meet them."

"You don't know that. They could live close and may just not be sixteen yet."

This gives Dad pause. He looks genuinely confused. "You think your mate is younger than you?"

I know it's not exactly traditional, but has he really never considered the possibility that an omega could be mated to someone younger than them? "I don't know," I whisper, not meeting his gaze. "Maybe?"

"Do you feel the pull with anyone?"

"No," I say a bit too quickly. "Definitely not… it's just… they could be right here. Maybe someone in the pack. Or what about Davy? His mate could still be out there, just waiting to turn sixteen."

"Cam," Dad sighs heavily, looking like he is debating what exactly to say. "Maybe you really are waiting for your true soulmate, like you say, but I don't get the impression that is what is going on here. I get the impression you don't want to mate with anyone."

Damn. Dad is more perceptive than I thought. I can't deny it, so I just sit in guilty silence.

"I know it's scary, Cam, and I've thought a lot about it. I've talked about it with your mother too, and… I want you to take all the time you need. The world is more complicated than when I was a kid and I think children need more time to figure it out than they used to. If you want to wait to mate with David, then we will support you. If you want to go to college or travel the world looking for your mate, we will support you in that too."

"Really?" I can hardly believe what I'm hearing.

"Yes, just remember that at the end of the day, you have responsibilities here, in the land of your ancestors. Responsibilities to protect the land and raise the next generation to protect the land."

I nod, slowly, understanding the unspoken implication in his words. Eventually, I will need to mate with someone, so why not Davy? It's the same argument I told myself before my birthday. Right now, I'm pretty sure that I will never want to mate with a dominant wolf, but, when push comes to shove, I still may not have a choice in the matter, so why don't I just choose the safest option? The one I know will at least try to make me happy?

But a part of me still hopes, still wants to trust that the Moon Goddess has a plan for me. It's stupid. What has the Moon Goddess ever done for me? She cursed me as an omega. She failed to protect Addy. So far, she's failing to give Davy a real mate.

But what if… what if… No. I can't even hope for that. All I can hope for is time. Time to enjoy high school and maybe even college. Time to enjoy being with Alastair, even if we are only ever friends. Time. That's what Dad is offering me right now and I am so grateful.

"I meant what I said when I told you I was proud of you," Dad continues. "And not because you were born an omega. You have grown up to be a kind-hearted, wonderful man. I can tell that you are always trying to do the right thing and you genuinely care about people. You are hella intelligent, just like your siblings, although I have no idea where you all get it from. It certainly wasn't from me. Goddess knows I never thought about half the stuff we talked about today when I was your age."

I let out a weak, watery laugh. Dad's words light a warm, bittersweet glow in me and I can't stop my tears. "Thanks, Dad." And not just for the words. For the time.

"I know we've been putting a lot of pressure on you, but just know that we want what is best for you. We want you to be happy. If you do find your fated mate, that's one thing, but if not, I really think you would make a wonderful Luna. You're a natural leader, Cam, and you've got way more vision than any of us old fogeys."

I nod, brushing away my tears. His words are kind and sweet. In my secret heart, they make me more happy than I care to admit. It's scary how much I yearn for my parents' approval.

And yet, I actually don't think his perception of me is accurate. I'm not really a leader. I think I lack some pretty basic communication skills and talking to most people still gives me a lot of anxiety, particularly when they don't agree with me. I don't think I could take the pressure of leadership and, more importantly, I just don't want to.

But... There is someone I know who excels under pressure. Someone who inherited Mom's "I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me, I'm going to do what I want" attitude. Someone who isn't afraid to be her true self, but somehow always manages to make people sympathize with her way of thinking.

"You know who would make a great Luna?" I smile at the thought. I wonder if she has ever thought about it.

My dad gives me a curious look. "Who?"

"Ellie."