A visit to the hospital

Pain....utterly maddening pain.

Before the light could even reach my eyes I felt pain, inexplicable pain, so bad that it was the shrill scream of my own voice that caused me to awaken from my medicine induced sleep. Well I guess it wasn't so induced anymore from the sheer pain I was feeling. I opened my eyes to the see the first few glimmers of light peek through my windows.

I like my curtain-less windows and the way they would let every bit of light that they could afford in. Maybe I needed to be more like my curtain less windows, allowing the light to come in without restrictions, but that would no doubt have to happen after I got these pain killers to start working again.

"There is no way I am going to work today, my manager can shove it." I muttered out loud to myself. I dragged myself across the hallway to kitchen to make something to eat so I could get some much needed Tizanidine in my body. Looking into my refrigerator I came up with the best I could given the ingredients, and so I ended up having cereal for breakfast. I made a list of things of things I needed to get at the grocery store once I got the chance. I knew that I was supposed to visit the doctor's office today again, so I made plans to get my groceries, but I knew I might not get the chance to do that because I may have to stay there again. Nonetheless I finished my cereal and realized that it was almost time for me to get ready to leave, so I went to take a shower and used the extra time to pamper myself, since I can't remember the last time I had actually done that.

I threw on a hoodie and sweats, thankful to be outside of my house in something other than work clothes during the week, but also taking into account that it took me getting hospitalized, even if only for a few hours, for me to get a break. Thinking of the current situation I reconsider some of my life choices up until this point, I'm unmarried, childless and working slave hours for minimum wage, it was actually unbelievable how absolutely terrible my life was. I turn the keys in the door to my apartment, and head out to the doctors office. I live by the main road so I can get a taxi easily, but its the most expensive of all the ways to get there, so I decided to go by train given that the train wasn't far from me either and it was less expensive. I can't say I was unhappy about taking the train, because it was definitely faster and more comfortable, with even less discrimination than I would see if I was in a taxi which truly made my day.

I got to the hospital around 20 minutes earlier than my appointment and went in search of a vending machine after 5 minutes because I had just now realized that I had left my water back at my apartment. The receptionist was nicer than most and pointed me in the direction of the vending machine for which I was happy, because I didn't want to get lost in the mammoth of a hospital. I got my water from the machine and was about to leave when I saw dear old Doctor Stoner waiting to use the machine next. I decided to engage in friendly conversation with him rather than to stand there awkwardly or walk away knowing that based on the time, I was most likely his next patient.

So I did what most people would do in my shoes and just said "Hey Doc how are you?" He looked a bit taken back by my question but turned to face me nonetheless as if inspecting me before finally responding " I'm doing well, thank you for asking, and you? Is the pain medication working? Any more episodes?" I went silent for a while not sure which question to answer first or how to even begin to answer it. They weren't difficult questions in the slightest, but for some reason coming from him they seemed to hold some sort of weight to them and even felt like an invasion of some sort. As if sensing my reluctance to answer, he decides to speak up to which I was thankful, "You don't have to answer right now I mean we have a consultation together in a few minutes anyways, we can just talk there if you're comfortable with it." It was only after his statement that I realized that I was feeling something I hadn't felt in over two years, anxiety. I hadn't felt so anxious in years almost as if I was gonna have a panic attack, but I don't know why, given that I had spoken to the man just yesterday, however now for whatever unfathomable reason, he was somehow bringing out the part of myself I hated most.

I tried breathing again and again but it wasn't working, just like all the other ones before, it was like I was chasing my breath while it was running away from me simultaneously. I hadn't even realized that I was hyperventilating until I heard Dr. Stoner beside me trying to get me to breathe, and after a few more seconds I was finally able to catch my first breath. A few minutes and sips of water later I was finally calm again and Dr. Stoner was still by my side, I had just now seen that he was holding my hand the entire time and if seeing it in queue with me, he let go of my hand apologizing in case he was making me feel uncomfortable to which I reassured him it was okay.

We eventually moved to a vacant room nearby and I could see he had questions to ask but was polite enough to wait, or maybe it was just his professionalism and I was overthinking everything. Another minute had passed before I finally decided to say, "Is this the room we'll be in or..."

"We can if you want I would just find out if it will be available for the entirety of our session." He made a move to the door but I stopped him.

"We can move to our designated room, I would rather not be an inconvenience to anyone." I half smiled, not really wishing to stay in this section in hospital to prevent triggering another attack. He smiled back at me and led me to our room or rather his office and I had a seat. I watched as he slightly cleaned the desk and put away some files which I assume is from his last client until he finally sat down and got comfortable before opening my file. We got through the formalities pretty quickly and he ran the standard test while taking down whatever information he needed, he had repeated his question from earlier and I was actually able to answer them this time without having a panic attack. While I expressed the pain I was feeling this morning, he looked perplexed and I wasn't sure why, but I was soon to find out. After he had asked everything he needed to, he assessed the paper for a moment before sighing, "This might seem a bit cliche, but there is good news and bad news, which will you hear first?" he inquired softly to which I responded "The bad news please."