The Feeling Some Talk About

8th grade year, last year of middle school. The time when most choose the people they'll hang out with until the end of school. I had a very different experience.

During my 8th grade year, I chose my friend group to stick to. As did most others in the grade.

My group consisted of: Carmen, Kevin, Eli, Yaoi, and Bryson. This particular year, I had all classes with Carmen. We all thought we'd be friends forever.

Little did we know we were very, very wrong.

"Did you do the work for Tech?" I ask Carmen. "Yeah, the project this week was easy, I finished on the third day," he responded.

"Ah, nice, I finished on the second, I didn't really want to try," I say. But in reality, I didn't want people to think I was trying too hard, they already disliked me enough.

"No one cares about you"

"They all hate you"

I continued to try and not think about the thoughts for the meantime.

"When are you turning in our project for science?" I ask Carmen. To me surprise, he answered, "Already did, Teacher said she liked it." In response I say, "Sick."

The thoughts came back at that moment, I hated them, they never left for long.

"You shouldn't try anymore"

"I see you looking at that hand sanitizer, go drink it"

I ignored it, if I didn't, I might not be there tomorrow.

"May I go to the bathroom, Mrs. Scott?" I ask. "I don't know, may you?" She replied. "I don't know, it's your choice."

"Sure you can."

I start walking to the bathroom I had recently found in the school, it was the only single person bathroom. My eyes started to water.

"Slam your head into the wall"

"They don't care about you"

I ran faster to the bathroom, trying to make sure no one else would see me crying. My shoes squeak with every turn I make, sounding like a dying fire alarm. I make it to the bathroom just before I break down.

I grab a tissue and blow my nose, I sit in there for about ten minutes crying.

I don't want to leave, I feel safe in there.

I decide to finally go back to my class, not to my surprise, no one cares that I took too long.

"Hey Charlie is this you," Austin said as he showed me a picture of a pedophile.

I shrugged it off, trying to keep my composure. He just wanted a reaction out of me, and I wasn't going to give it to him. He takes my water bottle and tries to hide it.

"Yo, give it back!" I yell at him.

"Charlie! Settle down!" Yelled Mrs.Scott

I didn't listen, I wrestled it out of his hands, it was mine and it was expensive.

"Charlie! Shut up!" the class yelled.

My friends laughed, they liked it when others were hurt. They were just as fucked up in the head as me.

Austin laughed the hardest, I wasn't and will never be able to call him a friend.

I put my face down on the cold desk, it fills me with a warmth, I just wanted to sleep forever.

I lie down on the desk and close my eyes, the feeling felt so peaceful, I wish I could've stayed like that forever.

"Charlie! You better not be sleeping in my class!" Exclaimed Mrs.Scott.

"I'm not mam," I respond.

"Alright class, get up, we're doing task cards, they are taped around the room, you can do this in partners." She says.

I get up and ask Carmen if he wants to work together, he has already paired with Yaoi. Kevin didn't have class with us, and neither did Bryson. Eli however, got along with Austin very well, they had already partnered up.

This left me alone, just like normal. I'm always alone.

I pick up my green mechanical pencil and my binder. I go around the room doing different cards. I don't really try, but I still get them all right. I don't want to be there, no one wants me to be there either.

I finished my paper and turned it into the teacher. I walk sluggishly, back to my wooden desk.

I slump into the seat, I slouch instead of sitting up straight, I don't want to look like I try too much. Everyone finished shortly after I had.

"Hey Charlie, you never drink water do you?" said Eli and Austin as the bell rings.

I was perplexed about what they had said, I guessed that they were talking about my water being almost full.

I head outside to the busses, I didn't want to spend anymore time at the school. I sadly couldn't walk across the school anymore, I had moved. I had to ride to my mother's office then wait to go home.

I put in my earbuds and put my music on max volume, I prefer drowning out the voices of others. I hear the rocks crunch underneath my feet as I walk to the bus, I hear a metallic clank when it stopped.

The door made a very aired "psst" noise.

I walk onto the bus with the metal floor clanking as I walk inside. I take my seat towards the middle of the bus and slouch once again. Everything on the bus feels dull, the seat, the floor, and especially, me. I was the most insignificant thing on that bus.

There was another "psst" and the bus started moving. Luckily my mothers office wasn't too far away from my school. When we arrived to the intermediate school, we stopped to let the kids get off. I got off along with them, the line to get off was cramped and sweaty.

I walk towards my mom's office, the acorns crush and crack under my feet, I love the feeling. I always have, always will. I get onto the concrete path that's in front of my mom's office.

I opened the door, with no energy, I didn't think it was worth it.

"How was your day Charlie?" my mother asks.

"Good," I lied, "I finished my work easily."

"I'm thirsty," I think to myself.

I take out my water bottle. I popped off the cap and proceeded to drink.

"Gulp"

"Gulp-"

I start to choke, there was something in the water. I ran to the trash can, the choking turned into vomiting, I couldn't breathe. My face started turning purple.

"CHARLIE"

"CHARLIE, OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?!?" my mom yells out to me.

I'm incapable of speaking so I mouth the word

"Water" while I'm choking.

My mother goes under her desk and grabbed a plastic water bottle, she hands it to me.

I chug it down, I had never felt a more relieving feeling. If I were going to die, it would be by my own hands.

I barely escaped death and I felt amazing, like I had a drive to live.

I thought that maybe, just maybe this would be the last time my friends would do something like this.

I wish my thinking was correct.