S1 Ep4: Dead Man's Tower

They say the best medicine is laughter and so the following could be pharmacists. We have the the two love birds who joined the mile DIE club, the spy that vented, how about the terrorist that had a gas leak, the hippie that lost her head, or the drunk die-er, we have the clown that had a frown, and finally an office tale as old as time. Your prescription is ready, the next chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee.

Date: November 2, 2017

Location: Spirit Airlines, Pacific Ocean

Darren and Bernice, an exhibitionist couple on an airplane flight decide to join the Mile High Club after being told by the stewardess that they cannot have sex in front of the other passengers. While the couple try to get in a comfortable position in the cramped bathroom, Darren notices the seatbelt light came on. Just as Darren was about to pop her in-flight cherry, the plane hit a pocket of severe turbulence.

The two are thrown violently around the bathroom, as their heads slammed into the ceiling, Darren's neck shattered, and Bernice's brain rattled around her skull cavity like a punched-out boxer's. They both die instantly, much to the horror of the stewardess by the time she opens the door.

Another reason joining the Mile High Club is a bad idea.

A wise man, when asked if sex was dirty, replied, 'Only when it's done right'. Darren and Bernice just chose the wrong place. Next time, get a room...not a bathroom.

Way To Die #1095: Frequent Die-er

Date: May 6, 2010

Location: Burger King HQ, Manhattan, NY

A spy committing corporate espionage named Mark enlists his idiot nephew Tony as his second man after the other one bailed out at the last minute, to collect information from a big corporation. After they climb up to the roof, they encounter a slow moving but powerful duct fan that spun with a twenty quarter horsepower motor. After Tony fails to do so, Mark puts a pole in the fan to climb into the ducts to install a listening device(which looks like a Cockroach) into a circulating vent duct in a room where a meeting was happening. Beforehand, he told his dumbass nephew that when he tugs the rope three times, to pull him in. As Mark ventured into the ducts to install the device, Tony began to grow bored. His growing boredom was Mark's death clock. While Mark made his way down the vent shaft, Tony found an antidote to his boredom: messing around with the night vision goggles. Mark planted the bug. He began to mess around with night vision goggles and accidentally pushed the pole in, then the fan began to spin again, wheeling Mark in like a fish stuck on a fishing hook as the rope got caught in the blades. As the fan blades cut off Mark's legs, he screams at Tony in agony, and dies on the spot in less than a minute as Tony panics, covered in Mark's blood and screaming as well.

Mark was good at being a corporate spy. He just didn't understand the theory of relativity: never hire 'em!

Way To Die #1007: Double-O-Severed

Date: October 27, 2011

Location: Benghazi, Libya

Two Libyan rebels, Habib and Hadal, who were rejoicing in their country's newfound independence, met up with two Al-Qaeda operatives. When they got inside the shop, Habib and Hadal offered to sell a cache of weapons, government stockpiles and hummus. With the two Al-Qaeda operatives itching to get back to killing infidels, Habib and Hadal figured to seize that chance. Habib initially offers everything and a shot gun for free at a price of $5,000, but the Al-Qaeda operatives demanded a price of $2,000. The negotiations went on, and then Habib offered everything at just $3,500 plus two barrels of hummus, but the Al-Qaeda operatives refuse to pay more than $3,000. So, Hadal has Habib fire an automatic rifle as a demonstration, who aims the gun at an image of Gaddafi, but when he pulled the trigger, he lost control of it and it started firing randomly while the others fall to the ground to avoid it, with some bullets making holes in a hummus barrel.

When Habib manages to stop the gun, Hadal, who is recovering from the ground, gets mad, starts hitting him and snatches the rifle away from him, and then, everyone noticed something wrong with the hummus barrel. Habib thought the hummus was smoking and Hadal tried to assure the Al-Qaeda operatives that they had plenty of hummus, but one of the Al-Qaeda operatives told him that it was gas, not hummus. But it wasn't just any gas, it was sarin and mustard gas, both of which are lethal. The contents spew out and fill the shop with mustard and sarin gas, killing everyone as the contents are entering their noses, forming blisters on their skins, attacking their nervous systems, and causing them to lose their muscle control, leaving them to urinate, defecate and suffocate, thus sending them to Hell, where Habib and Hadal won't be selling items to terrorists anymore, and the two Al-Qaeda operatives won't be killing infidels anymore.

Way To Die #1267: Hummus Among us

Date: July 10, 1967

Location: Side of the road, Bend, OR

A nature-loving hippie who calls herself "Morning Glory" really enjoyed the outdoors. She even loved listening to whale songs in her car. She seems to have a happy life until one day, she accidentally ran over a raccoon. The nature-lover was devastated. In an attempt to revive the poor animal, she tried to perform CPR on it. Anyone who gets down on her knees in the middle of the road to resurrect a piece of roadkill...shouldn't be surprised by what happens next. While looking up to inhale, she was suddenly decapitated by a bumper of a speeding truck, and the driver did not see her in the middle of the road. Her headless corpse lay next to the dead raccoon, while her severed head is stuck onto the bumper of the truck as the driver drives on, oblivious to her death.

Morning Glory lost her head, but it was never screwed on too tight anyway.

Way To Die #1303: Curiosity killed the hippie

Date: September 9, 2009

Location: Side of the highway, St. Louis, MO

Brian is a serial drunk driver who had been doing time in the slammer for vehicular manslaughter, but now he's out on parole and on another drunken rampage. He, like most convicted drunks when they get paroled, somehow got around having an Ignition Interlock Device installed in his car. After blowing a red light, he crashes his car and is mistakenly pronounced dead at the scene. When authorities find out he is an organ donor after finding his suspended driver's license, they bring him to the hospital to remove his organs while he is still alive. The frontal area of his brain which controls speech, were down. However the back of his brain which controls touch and balance and other vital areas lived. Brian was having his organs removed feeling every scrape, scratch, and touch, but couldn't yell or speak. He felt every cut and heard every word. The doctors never find out he is not dead yet and took out his heart, finally causing his death and sending this drunk driver straight to hell, which then they put the removed bones onto his corpse for him to be closed up.

Brian used to drive around dead-drunk. Now he's just another... dead drunk.

Way To Die #1957: D U Die

Date: August 11, 2012

Location: Fred's Car, Miami, OH

Fred Garfield AKA Laughy the Clown, a drunken alcoholic clown, also a bad clown is on his way to his next birthday party, wishing, more than anything, that it would be his last. Ironically, he was coulrophobic as a child (meaning he was scared of clowns). He would always bring the grand finale, a giant balloon called, "Ally Gator" which was probably the only worthwhile part of his act. What happens next isn't funny... it's fatal. When he stops short in front of the party, a canister of CO2 rolls up against his seat, inflating the giant balloon for his act while still in the car. He is too drunk to sense the danger until it is too late, and dies when the balloon presses him against the car door and he suffocates, sending him to clown heaven.

There's nothing more pathetic than a drunken clown... except maybe a dead drunken clown. At least for Fred, clown time is over.

Way To Die #1201: Blown Job

Date: October 12, 2021

Location: New York

Joel Flandreson, a middle aged Technical assistant, has just road the elevator up to his floor *ding* the elevator comes to a stop "floor 56" joel sadly states "so close to heaven yet it feels like hell". He walks through the door from the hallway wear the elevator was. "Good Morning Joel" says a young woman in a purple shirt. "If it was a good morning then why the fuck do I feel like this" He responded in a angry tone. "Calm your damn tits Joel im just trying to be nice" she responds back a little more angrier. "Yeah, well fuck you too bitch ass mother fucker" he yells at her before heading to his own desk. "Christ Joel, do you for real need to pull this shit...at this time...on this day" says a bald African American Man. "Well Jordan, Maybe if she would just shut her damn cock sucking mouth up I won't have raise my mother fucking voice"! He almost yelled "Man karma is gonna come crushing down on you" said Jordan. "Jordan why don't you go shave your pubes off and go put them wear your hair used to be, and fuck off" Joel said at a quiet yell. "Fuck you Joel I can't wait until your rugged ass gets fucked by karma" after this entire argument Joel does his work halfed ass like usual. Joel has cost the company thousands of dollars from emotional and physical abuse lawsuits. "Joel, may I see you in my office please" says Phillip Brentwood aka the Manager of the company. In Phillip's office Joel sat in his seat looking stressed and mad at the same time, "do you know why your in here?" Asked Philip "cuz you wanted to give me a raise" joel says. "NO JOEL YOU HAVE PUT THE COMPANY THROUGH HELL JUST SO YOU CAN STILL WORK HERE" Phillip yells " no longer will you be working here, your fired" those words finally drove Joel to his point he grabbed out his knife from his pocket "You think you can fire me!" "No one fires me" he yells as he charges to phillip, who was standing by a full body window, with his knife out Phillip quickly doges the attack. Joel weighing 275 pounds gained the speed of 20 miles per hour, broke through the cheaply made window. Here's the kicker joel died before he even hit the road (the reason?) Right before starting his decent a shard of glass slices his juggler, because he had such energy and adrenaline his heart was beating 2x the amount it normally does causing even faster and more blood to bleed out. Phillip looks out of the now broken window and says in a sarcastic tone "oh shit, what a tragedy, I wonder what I will do with his last paycheck" and with that he throws the envelope inside a shredder.

Poor dead bastard had it coming, hell just gained a new victim to torture, Rest In Peace Joel Flandreson.

2 hours after Joel met his unfortunate demise the New York City Police Department (NYCPD) came into the office area for questioning, they stopped at all the cubicles and everyone said the exact same thing "yeah he was a huge stick up the ass". Their final stop was Phillip Brentwood the Manager "sir have you done anything that may have contributed to the death of Joel Flandreson". "No siry Bob" Phillip exclaimed, "he came charging at me then he defenestrated himself". "Allright sir, please call is if anything else happens" The police officer said.

After the police leave Phillip's phone rings "hello" Phillip says into the phone "hello, Phillip" the other person says "this is Betty and I am just calling to ask, what the absolute fuck is happening down there" she says "well, long story short Joel got angry so he tried killing me but killed himself" Phillip said in a sarcastic tone "well I need you too come down to Buffalo, to file an incident report" she said "Ok" Phillip says and with that the rest of the work day finishes off and everyone goes home except for Phillip who is in his car heading to Buffalo. About half an hour into the ride, Phillip is starting to feel the first signs of salmonella from the month old pizza slice that was left in the office's fridge, he slowly looses his sense of smell, taste and worst of all his vision. Once is eye vision is fully gone he starts swerving all over the road and drives right off the 70 foot bridge and coincidentally lands right on a parked propane truck. Sparks flying from the two metal objects mixed with the Propane gas caused an explosion, the explosion mixed with Phillip's car gas burning the entire car. Phillip dies from scraps of metal piercing him, and third degree burns over 95% of his body.

Phillip was a mediocre business man and manager he had to deal with explosive moods from employees, his last explosive thing he had to deal with killed him. Rest In Peace Phillip Brentwood...

Way To Die #1999: The Office: An American Deathplace