S1 Ep5: Crystal Death

Death is dropping in and you best be ready, like the robot maker that meets his maker; An exhibitionish who goes down in public; Houdini's last escape; A vomit lover that gets chunked; how about the prankster that gets pranked, or the B-baller that finds nothing but death, and finally the Hollywood star that gets drained. Buckle up kids for the next chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee.

Date: July 25, 2016

Location: The Freeman residents, Austin, TX

Alex spent his time at home creating robots and breaking things, when he could have gone to any top college in the country. He constantly tortured his parents by wrecking the house. He decided to put the micro-processor of a vaccum robot, motion detectors, and razor-sharp spinning lawnmower blades into one machine in order to make it even more dangerous. He tested its destructive power by making it destroy another one of his robots, which was destroyed in seconds. Alex put his soldier to sleep, and went about getting his bot ready for another round. A dropped screw awoke the sleeping monster, and before he could pull its plug, Alex's killer robot took its master apart, peace...by...peace. When he dropped a screw, the robot which was thought to be asleep turned itself on, and when Alex bent down to pick it up, it cuts off two of his fingers, and then slashes his foot off. Alex fell to the floor, and the robot lacerated deep into his abdomen and slices his aorta and vena cava and he died from massive blood loss.

Instead of giving his robot a brain, Alex should have put his own to better use, instead he caused himself some painful bot-ily harm...

Way To Die #1723: Mod Man

Date: May 17, 2008

Location: Side of a building, Riverside, CA

Tom and Tammy were your average couple in love. Like couples, they went to the movies, took long walks, went to dinner, but unlike other couples, these exhibitionists make love in public. One afternoon, the El Dante lovebirds decided to get it on on a power Transformer. In general, not a good idea. More specially, it was a really bad idea because this transformer was old and defective. Tom got a Prince Albert piercing to add punch to his and Tammy's relationship. While having the best sex of their lives on a power Transformer, the voltage hits Tom in the piercings, causing him to be electrocuted to death. Tammy, while shocked that her boyfriend is dead, is lucky because she felt a little more than a tingle and her feet weren't on the ground during the the shocking climax. As soon as Prince Albert met Lord Transformer...Master Tom had a premature electrocution.

A wise man once said, 'He who makes love to a skank with pierced penis on top of electric transformer... is in for a big shock.' Word up, wise man.

Way To Die #1121: Electrophillia

Date: October 22, 1926 (technically 9 days later)

Location: Houdini's backstage, Montreal, Canada

A magician named Harry Houdini proved that he can cheat death by doing a barrage of magic tricks. Houdini first claimed to free himself from a straitjacket. He also claimed to free himself from a chair. When Houdini was at his house, a fan of him walked by. He wanted to find out if the great Houdini was ever discovered. The fan tried to claim Houdini if he was invincible to pain. Houdini accepted it. Then the fan gave Houdini some punches, but the great magician stood strong, seemingly proving the fan right. A couple of sharp punches to the mid-section, and the fan walked away satisfied. But those seemingly harmless punches had just set in motion Houdini's death clock. The fan walked away proud. However, Houdini collapsed nine days later due to septic shock of his ruptured appendix. Houdini should have known, you can escape from just about anything, except...your own fate. Now you see him, now you don't...

Way To Die #14: Harry Whodunit

Date: September 29, 2018

Location: Hotdog Eating Contest, Pratt, KS

A beautiful young girl named Suki goes to a hot dog eating competition. The reason for this is that she is an emetophiliac, a person who has a sexually overwhelming desire to be vomited on because a person (an ex-boyfriend) dumps Suki. Her plan is to make the winner vomit on her after the competition. A competitor named Jiro Tanaka wins but is about to vomit. He then goes backstage to vomit, only to find Suki, now stripped down to her Victoria's Secret lingerie. Jiro tries to turn around, but an annoying Suki gets him to vomit on her. She jams her finger down his throat. Jiro violently vomits chunks of undigested hot dogs all over her, but mostly down her throat. He finally finishes vomiting and flees in horror. Suki tries to call for help, but with chunks of hot dogs down her throat, she can't talk or breathe. Soon after, she falls to the floor and dies in a puddle of her beloved vomit, sending pukey Suki to the afterlife, putting an end to her emetophilia, once and for all. Suki was in Pukey Heaven. But she bit off more than she could chew. Jiro started blowing chunks like there was no tomorrow, and for Suki...there wasn't.

Suki was a Grade A 'FREAK!', but of all the deaths we've covered on 2000 Ways to Die, this one... was the hardest to swallow...

Way To Die #1232: Thrown Upped

Date: November 21, 2008

Location: Benny's front yard, Brentwood, CA

He was born with all his fingers and toes, he wasn't dropped on his head as a baby, but for reasons even his parents can't fathom, Benny grew up to be the biggest asshole on the block. Benny was a 26-year-old man with the mentality of a 14-year-old who loved to play incredibly dangerous and immature pranks on his neighbors, whether it was putting sugar in the gas tank of someone's car or spreading a neighbor's front porch with oil.

However, one day, Benny wanted to cause a wreck by flashing a mirror at people who dare to drive down his street. He blasted one car with the mirror and the car hit the fire hydrant. Benny got his wish, but unfortunately for him, Lady Karma had also decided that today was the day he finally got what was coming to him; the hydrant flew towards Benny and struck him in the head with a devastating amount of force, completely shattering his skull, killing him within seconds and sending the psychopathic man child down to hell where he belongs.

The mirror was stupid fun for this crapulous creep. But what Benny really wanted was to cause a wreck. He angled the mirror just right. The blinding light hit the perfect spot, and Benny finally got his wish, or... he finally got what was coming to him.

Way To Die #1506: Fire Die-drant

Date: June 3, 1986

Location: Basketball Court, San Francisco, CA

An egotistical bully named Rodney White hogs a basketball game. Rodney's favorite move was something he called 'The Nutcracker'. The showboating creep hung from the rim, lording it over the others. Rodney plays a match with a couple of the players and does a slam dunk after kicking one of the players in the groin and using him like a platform. To rub his feet in the other players faces, he put his head through the basket gloating all his glory until they demanded to continue playing in hopes of putting Rodney in his place. However, as he drops down, his necklace gets caught in the net and acts like a makeshift noose, snapping his neck, and he dies twenty seconds later. Sending this so-called pro-baller and egotistical bully to hell where he deserves. Rodney was a bully on the court who couldn't even jump worth a damn. But at least in the end, he got some great hang time...

Way To Die #1284: Hang Dunked

Date: July 23, 2010

Location: Max's Hit Tub, Malibu, CA

When you boil it down, this book is about cosmic justice. People get what's coming to them. For this next story, we asked the cosmos if there was anyone who might have slipped through the cracks. Someone who deserves a cosmic ass-kicking "2000 Ways" style. Here's how the cosmos responded. "Bad" Max, a big-time movie star, had fame, money, and a bit of a poisonous attitude. Even when he was younger, his attitude was lethal, and he wasn't above using racism on some people. One day, after getting a new girlfriend, the latter was fond of recording his abusive tirades (since nobody would believe her). Max demanded her to give him oral sex in the jacuzzi in ten minutes. Ten minutes have passed, and after Max angrily protested, the girlfriend blows him off. Max wanted a good suck...but this was more than he bargained for. After Max got into the jacuzzi anyway, he accidentally sits on the suction pump. The pump sucks out his liver, kidneys, spleen, small and large intestines, pancreas, stomach, esophagus, gallbladder, heart and lungs, turning the entire pool blood red as Max dies from massive exsanguination, much to the horror of his girlfriend as the inconsiderate, racist, bad-tempered, selfish and annoyingly evil movie star is sent to Hell as he deserves.

This story is based on a real death, it just didn't happen to this guy we called Max. If he was real and ready to learn from his mistakes, here's what we tell him: There's no rule that says Hollywood stars have to become jerks, but if they do, be forewarned. We love to watch your careers go down the drain.

Way To Die #1873: Sucked Off