S1 Ep6: DUI (Dying Under the Influence)

You're under arrest, the reason? You're not laughing at the dumb knuckle heads. We have a band that gets disban-dead, an inmate that gets the death penalty, the third wheel who gets...crushing news, we have the fatty who goes splatty, how about the cancerous terrorist, or the Destruction Worker, and finally a history lesson 2000 Ways Style. Here's your ticket, the next chapter of 2000 Ways To Die...

Date: January 3, 1993

Location: ミュージック スタジアム, Tokyo, Japan

The Nips were a popular Japanese rock band whose members had friendly relations and healthy competitiveness. Combinations of musicianship and theatrics granted the band higher ranks in the Japanese rock scene for ten years. However, in the recent months, jealousy and ego tore the members apart. Their healthy relations and competitiveness descended into hatred. It was actually the tension between lead singer Tinaka and lead guitar player and backup vocalist Basho that caused the decline of their healthy relations.

BUY FROM FANATICAL

One night, prior to a concert, the band members had an argument of Tinaka's new prop, a vampire coffin with an inverted pentagram. As Tinaka insisted for his killer entrance, Basho complained that Tinaka has been upstaging them. Tinaka, however, was bossy and demanded them to acknowledge that he is the band, their boss and not them, especially Basho. The other members, feeling downgraded and angered, leave for the stage. Tinaka filled the coffin with the steam from dry ice to add effects for his entrance.

As the band's female stagehands and dancers roll out the coffin, Basho uses this opportunity to steal the spotlight by performing an excessively long, 3-minute guitar solo on top of the coffin (interestingly, the drummer and bassist join in), trapping Tinaka inside the coffin with carbon dioxide from the dry ice and away from fresh air. Once the three minutes were up, all of the oxygen had been used up and Tinaka had died of hypoxia, ceasing his toxic relationships with the other Japanese rock band members, permanently.

Tinaka wanted to make a big entrance. Instead, he made an exit to die for. Sayonara, Tinaka-san.

Way To Die #1143: Coffin to death

Date: October 14, 2018

Location: NDSU, Fargo, ND

Two college roommates named Tyler and Ravi (a jock and a geek respectively) share a dorm room, with Ravi continually being made to leave whenever Tyler brings a date to the dorm. One night, Ravi finally brings a date to the room, and has sex with her on top of the bunk beds while Tyler harasses the two of them from below, saying that he got a nice big piece of chalk at where he is whenever they are done. However, the movements after the couple climax, the movement cause the top bunk to fall on Tyler and fatally crushed him to death like a ugly cockroach, sending the inconsiderate jock to hell, much to the shock of Ravi and his date.

Tyler was a sock-blocker who banned his roomie to the hallway, but then Ravi got some funk in his bunk and Tyler wound up... bottomed out.

Way To Die #1415: Jerked Off

January 19, 2009

Location: Dance Studio, NYC, NY

An arrogant, ill-tempered, overweight, doughnut-addicted ballroom dancer named Esteban uses a corset to make himself look skinny, but he, unbeknownst to him, laces it too tight this time. He dances with Yolanda, his dance partner, and acts as her teacher. After many failed attempts, Esteban starts a argument with Yolanda, and eventually, she is sick and tired of him. This causes her to leave Esteban speechless. You may think that he was at a loss for words but that's not why. Esteban couldn't breathe. The corset compresses his chest and fractures one of his ribs so that it punctures his heart, causing internal bleeding and cardiac arrest, killing him by the time he collapses onto the floor, sending him to hell where he belongs.

Esteban was an egotistical, pear-shaped, two-stepping prick. Does it make us happy on 1000 Ways to Die when a jerk like this bites it? Of... corset... does.

Way To Die #1578: Corset Killed Him!

Date: November 11, 2009

Location: Laboratory, Yemen

Somad and Siraki were two wannabe terrorists who construct a plutonium nuclear bomb, which is bad news. The good news about them is that they are more of a threat to themselves than they are to the rest of the world. Before working, Siraki catches Somad with his headphones and Somad ignores him (because the song he is listening to is "Toxic" by Britney Spears, his favorite celebrity). Again, Siraki tells Somad to take his headphones off and he finally does as he was told. They finally get to work. What they didn't know is that the plutonium nuclear core is nicknamed "The Demon Core", because several scientists attempting to experiment on it died afterwards.

Just as Somad was about to place the last tungsten carbide brick for a test on the plutonium core, he burped after eating a camel burger, which caused him to fumble the brick as it made brief contact with the core. An incredible bright blue light flashed and exposed Somad and Siraki to a massive surge of radiation, comparable to being within a mile at Nagasaki's ground zero, causing both of them to fall unconscious and start vomiting. They were so overcome with radiation, they couldn't even crawl out of the lab. Within a few hours, the surge destroys their immune systems and both men are overcome with extreme nausea and become bedridden, leaving them extremely fatigued and their muscles to be eaten away, and eventually, the two die of bacterial pneumonia and asphyxiation as their lungs fill with fluid, sending the two wannabe terrorists to Hell within 48 hours.

Nuclear terrorism is no joke, but little did Somad and Siraki know that they were just one burp away from becoming weapons of gas destruction...

Way To Die #1692: Plutonium Burp

Date: June 7, 1993

Location: Construction Site, Boise, ID

Mike, who is a lazy construction worker, who would rather jerk off the entire day. One day the slob needs to climb up the building the construction crew is buildin. His technique is the stuff of idiotic dumb-assery , it is to use a counterweight as the "human elevator" to hoist himself up. As stupid as it is however it worked but fate decides to bring him back to earth, the rope snaps when Mike is almost at the top and Mike falls to his death because the counterweight wasn't designed to carry a load like Mike. He falls 3 stories and solats on the ground like silly putty. He dies from multiple fractures and hemorrhaging. Sending him straight to hell.

Mike was the boss' son who never put in an honest day of work in his life. But don't worry... because Mike will never have to lift a finger again...

Way To Die #1063: Destruction Worker

Date: November 14, 1535

Location: Torture Chamber, London, UK

Thomas Miagh was sentenced to death on the Torture Rack, which was supposed to stretch someone and keep pulling until their joints disconnected. This contraption was designed by the brilliant Sir William Skeffington, who was nicknamed "Scavenger". As he attempted to pull Thomas apart with the rack, he failed because Thomas was a whopping 6'9. Way too big for the rack. Thomas mocks Skevington by saying, "Scavenger. I think you got me in the child size". Then Skevington came up with the idea of instead of pulling someone apart, squeeze them to death. And so, the famous Scavenger's Daughter was born. A metal contraption that had someone crouching in the fetal position, and two metal arms tightened other metal bars on the victims' back, and tightened more and more until death. Thomas was the first victim. As the steel pressed down on Thomas, his back, legs, arms, and ribs broke, and he suffered severe internal hemorrhaging. His lungs compressed as blood squirted from every orifice from his body; it was like squeezing a wet sponge dry. He was brutally squeezed more and more until his neck snapped. Thomas dies as a result, thus sending him straight to hell where he belongs, much to the relief of Sir William Skevington. Thomas was too big for the rack, but he met his match when he hooked up with a nasty little wench called the Scavenger's Daughter.

Way To Die #1888: Ex-Squeezed