S1 Ep7: Death: The gift that lasts forever

Death is cruising by and you best be hiding that's more than what we can say for the crossdresser who "wets" the bed, the gymnast who makes a killer move, a greedy crematorium worker that explodes, how about the stewardess who is way in over her head, or the taxidermist who gets squirrely, we have a pumpkin thief that takes robbing to the heart, abd fianally a man who drinks liquid cocaine gets a kick he never saw coming. The deaths just keep on coming, on this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...

Date: January 1, 1986

Location: Don's Aprtment, Manhattan, NYC, NY

Don, a man with a habit of crossdressing while high, finds himself handcuffed and tied to his waterbed after a New Year's Day party the night before New Year's Eve. He nailed two women on his waterbed in the party, and they handcuffed him on the bed's arms, leaving a note behind--one of them was named Kate. Don, who screams for help (though no one comes to his aide), struggles trying to escape, but the heel on one of his stilettos accidentally punctures the waterbed. As the water level rises, Don, unable to free himself, slowly sinks under 200 pounds of waterbed water and, unable to get his nose and mouth above the water, eventually drowns.

Don spent New Year's Eve 1986 partying like it was 1999. Too bad he never made it that far

Way To Die #1331: Bed Wetting

Date: February 12, 2016

Location: Gymnasium, Colorado Springs, CO

Andrea, who was a very bitter gymnast who lost her chances at being an Olympic star, and her beleaguered partner, Sally, practice in the gym for a Las Vegas show. After belittling Sally on her trampoline skills, Andrea, who said "Watch me because this is how you do it!"... and then attempts to dismount off the trampoline herself with a backflip. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for Sally and all of us tired of her bitch-a-thon BS, she lands on top of one of the supports for the parallel bars (which was left out by a worker trying to fix the bars; he told them it needs a few minutes to be ready but Andrea wouldn't listen) between her rectum and vaginal opening and fatally impales herself, and she dies, sending the bitter gymnast to hell! Leaving Sally terrified. With Andrea in hell, she sure did the big favor of dying.

Andrea wasn't about to let anyone come between her and her goals. It was Vegas or bust. When they hit the trampoline, Andrea launched into a full-bored PMS bitch-a-thon...and then, she stuck her landing. If Sally was a little meaner... she would have told her friend Andrea... to "STICK IT UP YOUR RECTOUTERINE POUCH! BITCH!"

Way To Die #1755: Lady And The Trampoline

Date: May 10, 2003

Location: Crematorium, Tianjin, China

With Mainland China's population being estimated at 1.4 billion people, the deceased end up at a mandatory crematorium run by Chung Lee, who is also a corrupt thief and grave robber. He would strip a dead body of anything of value and then put them in the burning chamber so they can be burned into ashes. His next deceased person was a man with the surname of "Wang", who died of what was thought to be a lightning strike two days earlier, and his burn wound near his heart is visible. After Chung relieved Wang's body of his gold-capped teeth, and set the body in the burning chamber, the body explodes, blasting the metal door off its hinges, flying and decapitating Chung cleanly.

It turns out that Wang didn't die from lightning strike after all. An autopsy would have revealed that Wang died after being struck by a piece of a weather rocket, launched in response to a month-long drought. The canister that releases rain-inducing silver iodide into the atmosphere failed to detonate and hurtled itself back down to Earth, embedding in Wang's chest. Little did Chung know, the explosive was buried deep in Wang's chest, and when the flames in the chamber activated, the canister finally heated up and detonated, sending the corrupt Chung to hell where he belongs for being greedy.

If Chung had any sense, he would've remembered the Ancient Chinese proverb: 'Have greedy heart, lose... Greedy head.'

Way To Die #1365: Head Out

Date: April 2, 2006

Location: Phoenix, AZ

Charlie and Jevetta. a bottom-feeding thieving couple, return to their hotel room after robbing luggage from an airport. Jevetta had recently stolen some jewelry and clothing, and Charlie takes pictures of her wearing the jewelry. As Jevetta goes to the bathroom to try on one of the dresses and put on make-up, Charlie finds a bottle of what he thinks is imported rum. Bottoms up! He drinks the liquid, but it speeds up his heart so much that it explodes, and he dies on the bed, overheated from a massive cardiac arrest. Jevetta tries to wake him up, but it's no use. Turns out that wasn't rum Charlie drank--it was liquid cocaine he inadvertently stole from a drug smuggler. Charlie drank 3 ounces of pure cocaine with an extra kick of kerosene mixed in. He went from straight tripping to straight dead. This sends the thief straight to hell.

Charlie was a thief; he wound up stealing from a drug dealer. But what happened to him wasn't exactly criminal; it was just a really nasty way to die. trip out, Charlie...

Way To Die #1513: Cocaine-a-cola

Date: April 9, 2017

Location: 30,000 Feet Over The Pacific Ocean

Valerie was an extremely irritable flight attendant and she was ready to retire after eight years on the job, and this was her last and final flight. Valerie was constantly rude to the passengers and even rudely refused to give one female passenger a pillow when the passenger politely requested one. She served peanuts, pretzels, and any other foods or beverages on the plane she was in. The food Valerie threw at the passengers causing them to start to hate her with one passenger giving Valerie an angry glare with her response being not to give her that look. Due to turbulence, the pilot informs the passengers to fasten their seat belts. Valerie ignores the plea, and gloats at one of the passengers. The passengers buckled up, but the real turbulence was inside the plane. Valerie had them ready to blow their tops, and then... The plane beat them to it. As soon as she started gloating, the fuselage of the plane cracked, and Valerie was ultimately sucked out of the plane. Unless one has their seat belts buckled, one can expect to be sucked out of the airplane. As Valerie was falling to her death, due to high force winds, extreme cold, and lack of oxygen, she died before she hits the water of the Pacific Ocean, sending her to hell where she belongs.

Way To Die #1701: Unfriendly Skies

Date: May 3, 2016

Location: Norman's House, Cooper's Creek, GA

The next time you drop in on a taxidermy shop, be careful. You never know what kind of service you're going to get.

A customer walks into a taxidermy shop, only to be scared off by Norman, who is foaming at the mouth. So what happened to Norman? Norman ran a taxidermy shop deep within the woods, and found plenty of animals to not only stuff and mount, but to eat as well. One day, Norman kills a squirrel he finds in a tree, and eats it (on the rare side) as a sandwich. A few days after eating the squirrel, Norman begins to suffer from rabies because the rabies virus can live up to 24 hours within a dead carrier. The virus infects Norman's nervous system, causing him to die a slow painful death from organ failure and the inability to think properly and breathe on his own.

Norman stuffed animals for work, and ate them for fun. But after he bit it into the wrong one, Norman turned rabid, and then he was done. You siwwy wabid!

Way To Die #1274: Squirreled Away

Date: October 12, 2013

Location: Dwayne's Farm, Moorpark, CA

Dwayne and his buddies go pumpkin chunking using a homemade pumpkin cannon at his farm. Meanwhile, another man named Luther is stealing pumpkins from the farm across to sell on the black market. However, Luther chose the wrong farm to pick pumpkins, or at the very least, a very, VERY bad time to pick pumpkins from Dwayne's farm, as he was right in the middle of the shooting range. Luther ducks down and avoids the first few shots but just as he stands up to make his escape, one of the pumpkins from the cannon makes contact with Luther, and the stem of the pumpkin impales his heart, killing him instantly and sending him to hell where he belongs.

Dwayne and his buds were just a bunch of good 'ol boys getting some yucks. Luther was just a bad boy making some illegal bucks. When Luther met Dwayne, it gave us a good idea for a new book: 1000 Ways to Pie! You want another slice of that, Luther?

Way To Die #1870: Pumpkin Die