S1 Ep8: Death: it's what's for dinner

Dying is the easy part but it's staying alive that is the most difficult...like the mad hatter who went to wonderland, a dealer who can't hear death coming, we have the hip hop queen who bottomed up, the thief who chokes up, how about the gang who banged, or the con artist who had a smashing exit, and finally "Dad You're so embarrassing" Stay alive and enjoy the next chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...

Date: December 12, 1849

Location: Hat Shop, Danbury, CT

Barnaby, a hat maker and salesman in the 1800s, took the phrase "Mad as a Hatter" literally, when he wore his own hat and began acting stark-raving mad toward his customers. When Barnaby's first customer arrived, he screamed, and stabbed his own hand. He also made another customer wear a woman's hat before calling him a "swine". Barnaby then slapped his face and sent him out. He even had delusions of seeing his customers act mad themselves, even though they actually weren't. There's actually a reason why Barnaby along with other hatters at the time acted mad. The hatters had glue that contained mercury that was used in felting the hats and when they breathed in the vapors from the boiling glue, it resulted in them suffering from mercury poisoning. In Barnaby's case, his years of exposure to the toxic mercury fumes compromised his nervous system, resulting in severe brain damage, erratic behavior and hallucinations. Not only did he lose his mind and his customers... he also lost his life. His death shocked an upcoming customer so much that she scurries out of his shop.

Finally, with his brain fried, his immune system shutting down, and his major organs damaged beyond repair, the mad hatter once known as Barnaby... closed shop. Forever.

Way To Die #1501: Hat's All Folks!!!

Date: October 17, 2009

Location: Clyde's Studio, Brooklyn, NY

Back in the early 2000s i-dosing was a one way ticket to an ultimate high, without the need for drugs. It worked by placing g 2 different tones in each ear creating a hallucinogenic high. An i-Doser named Clyde sells his digital drugs to many people. He gets his hands on some military subsonic equipment and uses it to try to amplify the hallucinogenic effects of his music for a new i-Dose file called "Satan's Jackhammer" by bringing the audio frequency down to below 20 Hz. He ends up suffering from sonoporation caused by the sonic pressure from the low sound frequency that destroys the eardrums, and the lungs fasten intakes air until Clyde vomits blood and wets his own pants, otherwise known as SADS, also known as Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome, and dying from that combined with shock and total organ failure, alongside involuntary pant soiling, loss of balance and even heart attacks. Today Clyde learned a good lesson Hertz...hurts

Way To Die #1937: Tone Death

Date: April 25, 2012

Location: Club Z, Manhattan, NYC

A wannabe hip-hop queen and aspiring songwriter named Tina gets buttock implants to get the attention of a male rapper named Little Ron who prefers women with big butts (and has dedicated a hit song to those kind of women). However, the surgeon she hired was a fraud, and her "cheek" implants were made of common bathroom caulk instead of medical-grade silicone. Her new butt gained the attention of Little Ron, but she had no time to party and dance with him. Little Ron was on her like white on rice. But Tina had no time to wag her new butt in victory. She started feeling iller than ill, and in 60 seconds went from bad... to worse... to dropping dead right there on the dance floor, how'd that happen? The syringe the surgeon used accidentally hit an artery and sent the caulk into her circulatory system where it clogged her heart and led to cardiac arrest, causing her to collapse and die on the dance floor, leaving the other clubbers bummed and horrified.

Tina wanted to jump on Little Ron's booty bandwagon. But her butt came up short. So she pumped up its volume, and wound up...butted out.

Way To Die #1877: Caulk Blocked

Date: October 19, 2021

Location: Main Street, Detroit, MI

Mickey was a carjacker. But even worse, he only targeted women and he didn't care if they were pregnant or disabled. This despicable scumbag was stalking a woman walking to her car alone. She got in her car and was about to shut the back window. Mickey saw a chance to make his move. He poked his head and left arm through the window, but before he could pull the car door lock, the automatic glass window closed on his neck, crushing his windpipe and stopping his ability to breathe. The woman drove off with Mickey hitching a ride. His painful gasps for help were heard by no one because the driver is a deaf woman. A mile later and a couple of minutes without air left Mickey unconscious. The driver, oblivious to his presence, finally looked in the mirror and saw Mickey's head sticking out the window. She rolled down the window and Mickey dropped dead on the road, sending him to hell where he belongs.

Mickey was a total waste of life. He preyed on the weak. The best thing to say about him? He's dead. There. Aren't you happy?

Way To Die #1130: Car Jacked Off

Date: July 31, 2016

Location: East LA, CA

Enrique is a wannabe actor who joins a Hispanic gang to get into character for an upcoming low-budget gangster film. He survives getting beat up to see if he can take it. Enrique was wishing they used a stunt double for this scene. But he toughed it out. Even if he didn't get the part in the movie, he'd always have the locos to fall back on. But then a plot twist nobody saw coming. After surviving his final initiation and being accepted, the aspiring actor wanted the movie part so bad, he immersed himself in gang life, but it was just pretend until that big O.G. in the sky yelled Cut! He is struck by a cadaver thrown off an overpass by a rival gang, causing a skull fracture and fatal brain hemorrhaging.

That's a wrap, homie...

Way To Die #1448: Homie-cide

Date: July 18, 2014

Location: Side of a road, Burbank, CA

A scam artist named Lester specializing in filing frivolous lawsuits deliberately breaks his leg while trying to get hit by Blonde on her cell phone driving an SUV. She pulls over to help and finds him resting against the rear bumper of a car parked in front of her. But then, things got a little tight for Lester, because when Blondie grabbed her cell phone to call 911, she stepped on the brake, allowing the handle of her bag to accidentally shift the car into neutral, setting the 3-ton SUV into motion. When she accidentally knocks her SUV into neutral after getting back in to grab her cell phone, the car rolls forward and pins Lester in between the two bumpers, crushing him to death and sending him to hell where he belongs, and the woman is left horrified.

Lester put the squeeze on unsuspecting victims. But when he came face to face with three tons of steel and rubber...he got squeezed out.

Way To Die #1320: Scammed

Date: May 25, 1994

Location: Mason Residents, Sandusky, OH

Mike is a stubborn and overprotecting father to his daughter, Megan, considering he was a war vet back in the day. His stubborn behavior scared her mother away, but Megan was stuck with him; lately, it was difficult for her to keep a boyfriend. One night, Megan and her new boyfriend, Nick are studying in Megan's room. When Mike hears some giggling in her room, he brings out a gun and shoots it at Nick, which turns out to be a joke, because Mike put blank bullets in the gun, but when he tries to demonstrate by pointing the gun at his own head and firing with blank bullet, the joke is soon after on him: he ironically dies due to the pressurized force of the blank striking so close to his temple that it causes brain hemmorage. Sending this stubborn, overprotecting, ex-war vet "Daddy Dearest" straight to hell and bringing his days of torturing Megan and Nick to a skidding halt. Megan and her boyfriend are left horrified by his lifeless corpse. However, with Mike in hell, Megan and Nick won't have to worry about him anymore.

If Megan wasn't already headed for a lifetime of therapy, she is now. Gee, thanks, pop.

Way To Die #1172: Point Blank

Coming up on 2000 Ways To Die, Death really is just on big tweet...New chapter tonight at 10 CDT