S1 Ep9: Tweets From The Dead

Who lives and who dies none of us get to decide, our friend the Grim Reaper, however, gets to show us...

we have an exterminator who gets exterminated, a spoiled stockbroker who got magnetic in the stomach, A wedding crasher that crashes through the glass, how about the that thief gets the hook, or the black marketeer who blew up, we got the hijacker who had an inflated view of himself, and finally a couple of ghost hunters who go looking for love in all the wrong, dark places. Thank you Grim Reaper for this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...

Date: March 12, 2010

Location: Egon's House, Old Lyme, CT

I hate all bugs."

-Egon

Egon has an extreme hatred for bugs: he can't stand their very existence. Egon will collect bugs to torture and kill. Then, he decides to take things to a new level by covering a wall of his house with homemade flypaper coated with cyanoacrylate. The paste is so strong and it manages to stick two of his fingers together. When he is finished, he gazes back at his work. Little does Egon know, his creation will be the death of him. Then a mosquito shows up, as if to mock him, and Egon swats at it with his flyswatter, only to stump over the bucket of adhesive and become stuck to his wall, completely immobilized. He struggles and thrashes, desperately trying to escape his ordeal while screaming for help, but it is completely useless because no one comes to his aide. After 2 days completely stuck to the wall, he pees in his pants and loses all control of his bladder. About 5 days later, Egon is scared, weak, dirty, teetering on the edge of life, until he inevitably dies of dehydration. But the story doesn't end there. The bugs decide to move in. The bugs that survive Egon's manic tortures escape. They smell his rotting corpse and they devour him. They also lay eggs in his rectum and other internal organs. They eat, and eat, and eat until Egon is completely reduced to a skeleton, sending this bug killer and torturer straight to hell as he deserves. Also putting his bug killing habit to a dead stop.

Egon wanted all bugs to be gone. But then his super fly paper turned into die paper. In the end, he went from a no-fly zone to Meet the Beatles.

Way To Die #1680: Pretty Fly For A Dead Guy

Date: June 26, 2008

Location: Lenny's Office, Wall Street, NYC

spoiled stockbroker named Lenny had been bilking millions of dollars from investors through an illicit Ponzi scheme. Everyone would say that he was a regular Bernard Madoff, but his greedy behavior was going to catch up to him; following the stock market crash, he receives word that his office is about to be raided by the FBI, so he and his secretary, Patty, tried frantically to destroy all the evidence.

Tiipped off that his office was about to be raided, he tried desperately to destroy evidence. But then, something gets to Lenny before the feds... death.

Suddenly, he suffers a horrible stomachache, crying Mommy before dying and leaving a horrified Patty. How'd that happen? What caused Lenny's death was his bucky ball stress toy; When he slammed it on his desk in a fit of rage, some of the neodymium magnets landed in his tapioca bubble tea. While drinking the tea, he swallowed the magnets, which then caused them to attract to each other, tearing through his small intestines, causing him to die of internal bleeding.

Lenny swallowed a bucky, things got really sucky, and now Lenny's a dead ducky.

Way To Die #1397: Ponzi-reamed

Date: May 12, 2022

Location: Chapel, Ramsey, NJ

A young woman named Carla proceeds to marry a much older and richer man named James. Carla's drunken ex-boyfriend Perry is also in attendance at the wedding, bitter that Carla is marrying someone else and not him. Once the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage, Perry gets up and pleads to her not to marry James and flashes everyone (by tearing off all of his clothes) to show Carla what she's gonna miss out on while the other attendees watch. After mooning the priest, the priest orders the other attendees to catch Perry.

Perry makes for what he thinks is an open doorway... and his ass is glass...

What he thinks is an open doorway, was really a glass window, which cuts through his exposed flesh, slices his veins, severs his arteries, and pierces his heart. Thus causing near instantaneous exsanguination and death. We now pronounce this jealous, perverted and drunken ex-boyfriend to Hell. Needless to say, God probably won't have mercy on Perry for his complete wrongdoings. But we may never know.

Carla chose stability and money over her hot-headed ex. Perry decided to show everyone exactly what she would be missing. Carla said I do, and then Perry said... 'I'm done'.

Way To Die #1595: Wedding Crasher

Date: June 16, 2017

Location: Meat Packing District, Fort Wayne, IN

Two unrelated thieves named Ramirez and Marco attempt to loot a meat truck. Marco gets in the back to loot the meat, but is locked in by the driver. Ramirez hijacks the truck, unaware that another thief is in the back. When he is tipped off to the cops, he makes a getaway on the truck, swerving constantly. While swerving, Marco in the back is rattled around until he gets impaled in the throat by a meat hook causing his death from massive hemorrhaging. As soon as Ramirez is arrested after pulling over the truck, the police officer opens the rear portion of the truck "Whats in the back huh" says the officer "man calm down it's just meat" Ramirez states. The office opens the back and it turns out Ramirez is right, nothing in the back but dead meat. They discover Marco's bloody corpse, much to the horror of the officer and Ramirez. Is there a lesson to be learned from all this chaos? yes, meat yourself before you defeat yourself. Since Ramirez was arrested, he would face theft, robbery, and carjacking charges, and very likely accidental manslaughter charges. As of for Marco, he got the death penalty...

Way To Die #1372: Hooked On A Feeling

Date: August 10, 2019

Location: LA China Town, Los Angeles, CA

In this back street in LA's Chinatown the wheels of commerce are always spinning and it's where you'll find this guy Wang-Chung.

Wang-Chung was a street-side con artist/scammer who worked as a marketer, but not just any merchants... he was a black market merchant. Wang-Chung had a small street-side bazaar where you could buy anything from protected animal organs to illegal weapons. The fact that a criminal like this could sell illegal goods in public was astonishing. One day, while making a pirated DVD sale, he gets a tip that the FBI agent is coming after him... right now. Wang-Chung immediately closes his bazaar and hastily hides in his camp-trailer, where he hides illegal fireworks. sure enough, the FBI arrives and begins investigating his street-corner. An hour later, Wang-Chung takes a lit cigarette and then puts it on a 6-pack of canned beverages. It falls off and lands on the fuse of a firecracker. Wang-Chung soon notices the lit fuse and the trouble he's in and a moment later... all hell breaks loose inside the small trailer. The initial explosion of the firework set off a huge, fiery, loud chain-reaction... with Wang-Chung crammed inside. Fireworks, firecrackers, bottle rockets, sparklers, popper-snappers and more all shoot everywhere in all directions, causing a catastrophic, forceful blast wave of blazing fire that no human could survive, sending him straight to hell where he belongs. When the explosions end, the FBI agent opens the door to find Wang-Chung's blackened corpse.

You'd like to think someone as corrupt as Wang-Chung would wind up paying for his sins, and in this case, that's exactly what happened. The black marketeer wound up... blackened.

Way To Die #1252: Well Chung

Date: June 16, 2020

Location: Side of a road, Orlando, FL

Percy, a hijacker looking to hijack a vehicle hitchhike on the road. When a truck driver named Johnny and his boss, a former female boxer named Dallas, stop to help him, Percy pulls out a gun. Threatening to shoot them, Percy forces them out of the truck. Dallas shoved him and he falls backward onto the truck's air brake hose, which enters his rectum, and knobs through his ribs, making Percy into a "human flesh balloon". Percy screams in terror and pain, and collapses onto the road, as both Dallas and Johnny take a few steps back. Eventually, enough air fills into Percy, causing him to explode, killing him almost instantly. Sending the failed hijacker to hell where he belongs. Johnny and Dallas scream in horror upon seeing Percy's scattered remains, not helped by the fact that some of Percy's blood splatters onto them and their truck!

Percy was a small-time crook who tried to steal a big rig. He never could get his life together and now...he's just...scattered!

Way To Die #1754: Hi-jacked Offed

Date: July 19, 2011

Location: "haunted" house, Ann Arbor, MI

Two wannabe ghost hunters named Chester and Lester walk into the Rodella, a haunted house which was formerly a brothel recording the pilot for their show, The Ghost Molesters. They try to find spirits of prostitutes and have sex with them. However, as they reach into the attic, Chester and Lester run into a ghostly cloaked figure. As they try to check it out, the figure chases them away and they run out screaming.

The "ghost figure" reveals himself to be the house owner who was annoyed by the numerous break-ins on his property. The men run away, with Lester descending to the ground off the ladder, and Chester making a dash for the car. Once Lester descends the ladder, in a panic, he knocks a wrench off the roof and it hits him in the head, knocking him out.

With these two, ghost hunting is a full contact sport.

Lester is then run over by Chester with their own car. The wheels crushed his spine, fractured his arms and legs, exploded his heart, and ruptured his lungs, causing Lester to bleed out and die instantly. Upon realizing that Lester was not following him or even in the car, Chester runs out, only to find that he had accidentally killed his partner. Horrified, he shouts, "NOOOOOO! LESTER!!!"

Chester and Lester went looking for the ultimate ghostgasm, but then they got spooked. Now, Chester's less... one Lester.

Way To Die #1134: Abnormal Activity

Coming up on 2000 Ways To Die, season 1 comes to an end just like these guys. New chapter January 30, 2023 at 7pm CDT!