S1 Ep10: Die-agra

You laughed in the face of death, and now you've reached the end of the fist season. Laugh a little bit more, laugh at the tennis player who likes it in the ass, the bank loan officer who had a glass, the terrorist who took his own best shot, the ass full of snake, how about the gym instructor who got bamboozled, or the failed jail break, and finally a cave man caves in. Season 2 is beginning but these guy's life is ending on this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...

Date: May 16, 1999

Location: Tennis Court, San Diego, CA

Mike and Matt are two tennis wannabes who idolize 70's tennis players John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg (Copying their hairstyles, attire, and wooden rackets). The pair even hired their own chair umpire to look over their tennis matches. Even two girls, who like Mike even more than Matt. Much like John McEnroe, Matt had a fiery temper and would frequently insult the chair umpire for his calls. Matt channeled Johnny Mac's fiery personality, while Mike played the cool Borg. And when it came to throwing a tantrum, Matt could make even the real McEnroe blush. But then the match when from being just a game, to a matter of life...and death. After losing the match to Mike, Matt breaks his wooden racket and takes the handle prepared to stab and kill the chair umpire. However, the chair umpire leaves the chair which causes it to topple over as Matt climbs it, who can only yell out that he's going to kill the umpire. The fall causes the racket's handle to impale Matt in the rectum, causing massive internal bleeding and the leakage of stool into the pelvis, sending the angry tennis player wannabe and attempted chair umpire murderer to the hell where he belongs. As they are watching this, the girls scream in terror.

Matt was no McEnroe. In the end, he died. Never to be Bjorned, again.

Way To Die #1425: Ten-Ass Anyone?

Date: October 20, 2017

Location: Sears Tower, Chicago, IL

If you fell behind on your mortgage payments, you had better hope that the person who runs the mortgaging department of the bank isn't someone like Alexis.

She is a sadistic, pitiless, and mean-spirited witch who enjoys her clients' miserable reactions when she forecloses on their homes, as well as to act condescending and rude towards them if they object. Furthermore, the loans are insured, so the bank can make a hefty profit by selling off the foreclosed homes.

One day, while looking out of the window of the eighty-floor office building where she works, Alexis wonders how many more lives she can ruin this time, only for Lady Karma to give the twisted banker her answer... none.

A freak wind storm, combined with the building's negative air pressure, violently implodes the window, causing Alexis to be pierced and cut down by hundreds of glass shards, killing her instantly. One shard severs her auxiliary artery, causing her to quickly bleed out and end up in the red, sending the hateful, unsympathetic, and heartless mortgage worker straight to hell where she belongs.

Alexis enjoyed taking people's homes away. She was heartless, but then a freak wind storm blew her away, and she wound up... lifeless.

Way To Die #1596: Shard At Work

Date: April 19, 2010

Location: Khost Province, Afghanistan

CIA agent named Red Fox is looking to turn a Taliban Assassin named Mula Hakim into helping out against the war on terrorism. The Taliban find this out and hire a hitman codenamed "The One Who Never Misses" to kill Red Fox. While Red Fox and Mula Hakim discuss what their next steps will be, the Sniper adjusts his scope...takes aim...and fires. He missed. But his bullet gets returned..to sender. He attempts to shoot the agent, but the bullet misses and ends up ricocheting off of a turret, a wall, and finally piercing the hitman through the heart, sending the Taliban sniper to the hell where he belongs. "The One Who Never Misses" technically lived up to his namesake in death, as he kept his record intact by being his own victim.

The war on terror is fought one battle at a time. In this case, the good guys were the target. But in the end,the sniper was the one who got....sniped

Way To Die #1153: Backfired

Date: October 17, 2022

Location: Cheif Proudfoot's trading Post, Pyramid Lake Reservation, Nevada

Mary and Larry are on a two-week bus tour through the desert Southwest, and they had stopped by the trading post of a Native American named Chief Proudfoot, in hopes of buying a few souvenirs from him. However, Proudfoot asks very high prices for them (For example, $650 for a medicine man mask). Larry then notices a basket full of ghost chili peppers, which he foolishly assumed were just regular chili peppers (Mary also remarks that Larry won a pepper eating contest back home at one point).

Despite Proudfoot's warnings not to consume any of them, the ignorant Larry ate one anyway, which burned his mouth badly enough to leave sores in it. That is because ghost peppers measure up to at least 1.5 million heat units on the Scoville scale; 400 times hotter than Tabasco sauce!

His mouth felt like the inside of a pizza oven, as he then raced to the fridge for a drink to cool and douse down the flames on his mouth. It is the worst thing he could've done, as what he drank happens to be rattlesnake venom. The venom entered Larry's bloodstream through open wounds formed in his mouth because of the pepper. Larry yells and vomits a mixture of chunky blood and vomit. Larry starts violently shaking on the ground while the only thing that Mary can do is just sit there and sob. After foaming from the mouth and speaking gibberish, Larry croaks and Marry sits there sobbing.

Larry was a dummy who bit off more than he could chew. He washed it down with some fatal snake venom, and gave up the ghost... pepper.

Way To Die #1233: Chili Today...Dead Tomorrow

Date: June 6, 2021

Location: Gunther's House, Riverside, CA

A workout fanatic named Gunther creates his own line of home fitness equipment made out of bamboo. Gunther has hired some old buddies to film the commercial, but gets frustrated with them and when his bamboo barbell snaps, Gunther storms off, leaving the cameraman and his other buddy alone. They then discover a bamboo exercise bench, one of them decides to mess with it, yelling in a silly caveman voice: Gunther likes the muscles! Gunther want more muscles!! much to the cameraman's amusement. Not long afterwards, Gunther comes back and asks them if they were making fun of him and if he looks funny. The tension of the exercise bench causes a piece of bamboo to fly off and impale Gunther through the ear and brain, killing him and sending him to Heaven, much to the shock to his friends.

Gunther knew bamboo does have the tensile strength of steel, but he didn't account for the all-conquering power of stupidity. BAM! BOO! You're... dead.

Way To Die #1185: Info-pain-ment

Date: August 15, 2017

Location: Jail, El Cabong, Mexico

Not much happens in this sleepy little hell hole south of the border. A man named Dan attempts to break his friend Jarrett out of a Mexican jail after the latter was arrested for making a pass on the mayor's 13-year-old daughter. Dan hatches a plan to break Jarrett out of the jail. He attaches one end of a heavy duty cable to his car and the other end to the bars on the wall in an attempt to rip the bars off of the wall. Jarrett needs to get out of the slammer. Dan's a man with a plan. Dan takes some heavy duty cable, and he hitches it up to 350 horses. Something gives...but it's not the jail bars. Instead of ripping the bars, the cable snaps with such force that it decapitates Dan, killing him instantly, ending his rescue mission as a failure, much to the horror of Jarrett.

Dan tried to spring his friend from jail, but it didn't work out. Jarrett stayed put, and Dan went head over... wheels.

Way To Die #1477: Jailbroke

Date: 330,000 B.C.

Location: Laramidia

Zogg was a Neanderthal, as in a caveman. He did whatever he could to satisfy his mate, Ubba. But it was never enough, Ubba was bored with the same old cave & same old food, because all she did was stay in the cave. One day in the prehistoric land, Zogg came to his cave with some freshly killed buffalo meat. but Ubba wasn't in the mood for raw meat. Zogg on the other hand was horny and wanted to mate, but Ubba wasn't gonna do anything until Zogg did something about the food and cave. Ubba then left to spend the night at her mother's cave. Zogg, frustrated did some thinking. While he thought, he threw rocks at a pile of rocks and sparks were created! So he did it some more, and started a small fire! Zogg wasn't necessarily the first to discover fire. Since cavemen didn't spread news about the first fire discovery, Zogg was the first to discover fire for himself. Soon enough, he was roasting & cooking dino-meat like a dad at a BBQ. But Zogg unknowing created the first gas chamber! Zogg had no way of knowing about the deadly carbon monoxide smoke that come from a fire, and so he had no idea what to do! In a short moment, Zogg started coughing & feeling light-headed. Another moment he was gasping for air & quickly fell unconscious. 2 minutes later Zogg suffocated & died, much to the horror of a returning Ubba.

And so my friends, this is the true story of how fire was invented. It was man's horniness for women that drove him. You see, not much has changed after all.

Way To Die #1080: Neander-Fall

Coming up on 2000 Ways To Die, Season 2 for the win!!! New Chapter 02-01-2023!