S2 Ep11: Early Dier
Here in this book, we like to laugh at the deaths of all the dumbasses that managed to die in these weird circumstances. Like the Cheerleader who took on the whole football team, the farmers daughter story that is mind blowing, a guy who has "eel" efects, the man in a race who goes to the grave, we have the Destruction accident, an old man who loves his porn, and finally a chest pain that will leave you gasping. Let's all laugh together, on this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeee...
Date: October 19, 2017
Location: Carlson High School, Beaumont, TX
Cheerleaders are described by one word: perky. When it comes to Pamela, another word comes to mind: bitch. Pamela gets jealous when a new girl named Amber joins the squad. Amber becomes the new flyer and the star quarterback's new girlfriend after he dumps Pamela for her. During the homecoming game, while Amber is atop the cheer squad's heel stretch formation, Pamela intentionally lets Amber fall. The other cheerleaders come to her aid, as the spoiled cheerleader captain gloats at Amber.
Pamela gets in the way of the banner, and is pummeled/stomped repeatedly by the football team as they run through it, their cleats puncturing her heart and breaking her ribs, killing her instantly.
Pamela was as mean as her skirt was pleated. She lost all her cheer, and then she got... cleated.
Way To Die #1719: Cheer Bleeder
Date: June 6, 2014
Location: Daughtry Farms, Hancock, IA
Two scammers named Caleb and Jacob pose as preachers who travel by car with a box of unread giveaway bibles in order to disguise their true intentions; having sex with females they meet.
One day, the duo stop at a farm to "save another soul" and meet Emmy Lou, the farmer's granddaughter. While the two take turns in having sex with her, the farmer's wife overhears the noise and chases the two scammers with a shotgun. Caleb and Jacob escape and find shelter inside a grain silo, planning to flee as the farmer's wife leaves. However, they are barely able to see anything in the darkness, causing Caleb to use his lighter for light.
However, as he activates it, the flame ignites all the grain particles in the air around them, causing the silo around them to explode with much power as three sticks of dynamite, killing them both, which results in severed and blackened bodies.
Here's one for all you bible students out there: All come from dust, and to dust all return. Caleb and Jacob lied... and got burned.
Way To Die #1124: E-I-E-I-Oww!
Date: May 10, 2022
Location: Academy of Japanese Cuisine, Washington D.C.
At a sushi chef school, only 2 out of 25 students have graduated. As a custom, Tanaka, the head sushi chef shares shots of sake with his students to celebrate their graduation. After he passes out drunk, the students decide to put a Japanese eel down his pants as payback for Tanaka's abusive punishments (one of which was threatening them with unagi kuzutare (eel up ass). The eel slithers through his rectum and eats its way out, causing massive bleeding and eventually, exsanguination.
Tanaka ran his sushi school with an iron fist. But then, he got eel and never woke up. Domo arigato.
Way To Die #1779: Do you f-Eel it now?
Date: September 28, 2006
Location: Jolene's Yard, Reno, NV
Jolene, who was divorced, attempts to seduce a construction crew, while the foreman unsuccessfully tries to get his colleagues back to work. While Jolene removes her tank top and asks the workers to put suntan lotion on her, the guy using the concrete saw gets distracted and loses control, launching the blade, right into Jolene's yummy tummy, splitting Jolene in half, and she dies, much to the horror of the construction crew. Cause of death? Everything.
Jolene thought she could lure a hunk in her bunk. But in the end, she just couldn't.....keep it.....together.
Way To Die #1557: Seduction Accident
Date: May 1, 2006
Location: Sudden Death Rave Party, Los Angeles, CA
It's 5 o'clock in the morning, and this rave is in it's death rows. Most of the crowd have gone home or have been carded off to the local emergency room. But now, only the hardcore party is remained, and this guy. A drug dealer named Rush. Rush's the guy go to when you wanna keep your buzz going. The inside of this jacket was stuffed with everything from ecstasy to heroine. But as business slows, he gets Bored. Rush then breaks the cardinal rule of drug dealing ("Never get high on your own supply") and takes a few hits of ecstasy. In his high, he injects himself with fluid from a glow stick and dies of phenol poisoning and kidney failure.
Rush preyed on innocent kids who just wanted to party. But when he tried to join in, he wound up... x'd out.
Way To Die #1207: Glow Job
Date: April 19, 2010
Location: The Miller Residents, Tucson, AZ
Jonathan Miller was an all-around porn addict. He loved everything about it. For more than 20 years he had been collecting it. Eventually, Jonathan ran out of room in his basement, so he emptied out his wife's vanity. That was the last straw, so his long-suffering wife had left him. But that didn't even sway Jonathan's porn addiction, but it would sway his health. For days he would stay up & watch hour after hour of triple-X gold. Jonathan wouldn't do this with his wife around, but now that she's not, he was out of control. He watched porn for so long that he neglected his nutrition. Jonathan's need for food eventually overcame his want for porn. But by then, he had been confused and disorientated. The porn that he had collected were stored in boxes, crates, & touts, and he stacked them like bricks up to the sealing. This eventually became a maze for the disoriented Jonathan. He started crawling on his hands & knees, desperately trying to escape the triple-X labyrinth. But, then his fortress of porn came crumbling down right on top of Jonathan. The boxes pinned him to the ground and he wasn't strong enough to crawl out. He then reached the final stage of dehydration, and expired, never being able to see the end of his porn maze.
Jonathan should've tossed all of his smut in the dumpster, but instead, he wound up in a grave of his own making.
Way To Die #1746: Pornicated
Date: April 2, 2018
Location: Milton High School, Durham, NC
School jock Brooke is a popular athlete who is part of the school's lacrosse team but is also a notorious bully, known to physically harass anyone he views as inferior (a new student, a geeky chess club member, and a nerdy marching band leader).
On one afternoon, he tries to impress two females during a lacrosse practice and then harasses his victims again. As Brooke gives another shot, he is distracted by the school's popular girl walking by, unaware of the ball as it hit Brooke in the perfect place, causing commotio cordis and leading to his death of arrhythmia, much to the shock of the co-eds and Brooke's lacrosse partner.
Some words of advice for a very dead Brooke. Bully for you. What was the word you used? "Douche bag!" Exactly...
Way To Die #1156: Hard Balled