HoneyCrisp 10. Black Jazz

We are going swimming. Fancy competing with Michael Phelps? Put on your swimming Googles and face marks, then take your breath, dive into the water.

10. Black Jazz

Much against her better judgement in dealing personally with clients, she decided to eat with him. She knew what a racket this caused if he was married, recently divorced, double dating or had a girl stuck somewhere in the background who appeared like the Chinook wind once in a while. Girls struck in the rut hole had a habit of appearing at the wrong turn. They appeared like a warthog exiting a hole or an ant eater that had seen a hyena. They just moved like a panzer out of control.

If unfortunate to be in their path, they made mincemeat of you whether you were prey or not. Some male customers or relatives of customers were hunter class submarines. They were out looking for enemy ships to torpedo. Woe to the girl who walked into and stirred up the relationships of such and their partners! There were the rumour mongers. They went abound with heads and eyes turning like a Russian federal army radar system working against an enemy. Their brains pinged looking for the juiciest tit-bit to share.

She decided to go over the interior décor assignment he wanted for the flat. He was a very humourous guy. He was full of fresh twists and laughs. He kept her on the edge of her toes, laughing. Other diners turned their heads missing a swallow or two. They listened to his fictitious dramatization of this and that. There was one way to keep stress out, laughter. She guessed that was what kept certain people younger.

He was well known to the gentry with his wise cracks that seemed not to end. It was difficult keeping a straight face when Phillip was talking soccer with some coloured guys. He knew details of international, regional or local soccer. He knew La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga, South African or local including players and their performances. She realized that he was an intelligent guy with a great memory. The description he gave of the bungling of a defenders and keepers had passerbys stopping to laugh. She kept feeding information into her laptop. She liked the crisp friend chips, bacon and coffee. Why had she left home without attending to her stomach? Was it that she was so crammed with business she was neglecting her personal needs?

“I will have to offer you a proper lunch after you have done the interior décor. Today was a business breakfast. You are either typing or jotting down.”

“You were busy cracking jokes too."

"Did I?"

"Thanks Philip,” she had replied. “I will send you my proposals on the internet with different costs. If I were you maybe I would change the lounge suite. The leather in black looked too rigid.”

“It is my pleasure ma’am.”

At the end she had been assisted by her siblings, Keandra and Karla, over a few days to revamp the flat that Philip had bought. They worked in consultation with him. His spirits were always high. She had insisted he have his lounge suite material redone to match the new look. A new one was out of his budget.

In the end he liked the fresh look the flat now had. He asked her out to dinner.

“How old are you Philip?” she asked. "I may end up having dinner with mommy's boy."

“Twenty-eight, I look older than my age because my father relocated to Ngezi, Kadoma from Chiweshe. I would have been a thriving chief in Chiweshe right now. Blame it all on driving over potholes on my way to Pockets Hill studios. The belly is due to German sausages and Hunters Gold and Hooch beer from Johannesburg," he had replied. “It's not from Chibuku, Ingwebu, Go-beer traditional sorghum and starch based draught beers or 7-days shabeen home brew I tell you. Some of my ex-classmates have children at David Livingstone or Admiral Tait junior schools. And you?”

“Twenty-five/six years. I know I look younger than my mother slightly. Same thing, a small bird tells me you look older. You play so much reggae music. Culture, Lucky Dube, Gregory Isaacs, Peter Tosh and Bob Marley. You take spirits in moderation, they are making your wise cracks wider!”

“Mama mia, you are single like me? You are standing alone you say? You are in the bachelor check-out line. You understand innovation and independence. Let's protect our bachelor hood by remaining single like Mother Theresa or apostle Paul. They will be plaques for us later. Defend the bachelor revolution like Fidel Castro or Assad defending the revolution.”

“Yes and I not searching or desperate too. I take it that you too are single, I suppose? There is nothing as bad as being bashed in the head by the missus. I don't like it when tempers flare up. I wasn't raised in that environment. There are some married singles. The husband works in Gokwe. The wife stays four hundred kilometres away in Gutu. The husband practices celibacy towards month end. The rest of the time, he is like a male frog that jettisons its productive load in competition with others into water filled with newly laid eggs.”

"Keisha! How can you say that?"

"It's uncouth but true. Some men behave like male snakes that congregate and contest siring rights when the season is nigh. They then disappear. They never go looking after their products. At least some appear when their daughters need the customary love offering received. They threaten black magic if this is ignored. Pity."

“I have been dating in and out of relationships like someone running away from a rabid dog. When you take a loaded truck and trailer, an articulate horse like Mercedes Benz Actross to Johannesburg, it's financial suicide for it to return empty. It has to wait for a compensating load. That is much like me. I have been dumped. I have to wait to get another date to ride back to sanity avenue. Do you care to lead me there through Heartbreak and Heartburn streets? Differences always crop up. Reasons become so obvious not to continue. I haven’t found Miss Right yet. Are you through with the decorations?” he had asked.

“Maybe you chucked out Miss Right by the wayside while looking for an angel. Or maybe you are not looking well enough. Try even harder mate. You believe in hit and run. You run with your heart when you have just broken some lady’s wings. Ladies are not like house trained dogs that will moon for you. They are human beings with human emotions. At least with LGBT, homosexuality, sex robots and lesbianism gaining grounds, some people will keep dogs/goats/horses/cattle of their opposite sex. I don't know if they will use protection. Picture a police report, someone broke into my digs and raped my partner, an animal! Women snigger at good times. They gossip because everyone likes sleazy news. They cry when hurt or happy. They get hurt. They get heartbreaks.

"No heavenly being will be found clothed in a female human body. You have to make do with the faults, cracks, twisters, volcanoes, storms, tornadoes and waves you find in human females. Take a leaf from sculptors, visual artistes like painters and carvers of wood. Chip out the unnecessary material. Find the golden nugget inside the human."

"I should have become a celibate parish priest then. Had I done that the small boys would not be safe if you take the scandals coming up seriously. But all the potential dates, single matures or single mothers would have put me at cross hairs with the papacy. Not to mention all those mature nuns giving me the eyes, oh handsome father I have sinned! I would have become their sin."

"That will be all thank you Sir Philip, viceroy of The Avenues. Mind, your constituency has a very bad reputation for red light areas."

"You tell me. I didn't know."

"Really when it appears in the news every fortnight."

"I missed that. You and my bank manager have agreed to deplete my fat bank account. You are in cahoots"

"It's a good hedge against inflation. A flat is better than drinking a Mazda T35 truckload of beer, wine and alcoholic spirits. You are doing better than your drinking chums who are sending themselves to early graves."

"Thank you very much."

"I will check on you in two days to find out how you are faring. However when you bring in a date, us women have different ways of appreciating décor. Were you to marry your wife may not like my taste. That is why I normally deal with the feminine side of the human wolf.”

She visited the flat when she had discovered he would be home. She moved around using her digital still camera. She wanted to put it on her social media accounts.

“Could you hold you dress like a woman curtsying?” he asked.

She didn’t know that he was into photography. Her African attire was long, swishing and decorative. She liked the pictures he took of her.

“Release your hair. Let it flow. Head backwards, throw you head forward then backwards again. Don't let the Caucasians or the Asians boast of their normal hair. Show off your fake hair too."

"Philip! It's called human hair extensions. They are making money selling their own hair."

"I should have become a photographer. I am photogenic. I have seen auditions at Pockets Hill for the state television presenters. I wish they could audition for the political directors in state enterprises. I have seen directors of modelling agencies running photo shoots.”

“Thanks Philip.”

“Did you listen to my shows on radio?” he asked.

“Let me do that when I am through with the load I have. I haven't created time yet to listen.“

“Can I take you out for supper and maybe hold your hand by candle light?” he asked. "There are some great restaurants tucked out of the city centre. There are some great eating establishments in the peripheries of suburban residential areas, Avonlea/Avondale shops, Fife Avenue or even Sam Levy Village in Borrowdale to name a few top of the range. Imba Matombo for instance is a great eatery. Can I wait on you like a waiter serving Mrs. Bucket in the British TV comedy?"

“Rules of engagement still apply. I am church folk. I do not pass away my religious upbringing for the sake of a potentially lousy date. Nada. That way there will be no kissing, touching or premarital assignments in the bedroom. No bum shaking or grabbing either. No ways should we two be in private and alone like indoors.”

"Who is that date in the window?" he said singing.

After that improvised song his bass to baritone voice [he switched between the two] rang out as he sang Amanda by Don Williams.

"I didn't know you liked country and western music. I was getting used to your reggae, Slave, Prisoner, Night Nurse, International Herb, Buffalo Soldier, 3 O' Clock Road Block and Remember Me to name but a few. Don’t start. Are you ever serious?"

"I will explode if I get very serious. I am LGBT compliant too."

"Philip please!"

"I am just not sober specific on a Sunday morning after the FA cup semifinal when my favoured team walloped the opposition. That calls for soccer arguments with friends outside a pub taking sips from beers while looking out for the police. There was a time they raided us for public drinking at one shopping complex. I pushed my pot belly up a flight of steps. I hid my beer bottle behind me. I found a chain of upstairs businesses doors closed. I sat on the doorway. These two police constables walked by me."

"And?"

"You are listening?"

"Then?"

"They made a U-turn. I heard their feet going down the steps. I thought to get rid of the evidence. I put the quart on my mouth. I had taken two mouthfuls when I felt two sets of hands hold me by the armpits, they said, Yah!"

"And?"

"I walked holding my evidence with other public drinkers to pay our admission of guilt fines. The beer I wasted that day!"

"It served you right!"

She uploaded her expectations like a legal counsel reading her brief to her client. Guilty until proven innocent. Better than the firing squad of North Korea or Cuba and proved innocent a century later. She uploaded her dating precautions like a Ku Klux Klan meeting update for members.

“Just a kiss honey won’t hurt. A hug is just a communication sign that you are friends. Some people hug animals which is alright for them. I like hugging fellow humans, the man or the woman will do, in their absence the little bungling teetotallers called children will do very well. We are getting weird in refusing to hug fellow humans. Horses their cousins the guard dog and donkeys don't limit their hugs at least. Horses don’t hug very much, they neck and bru, bru. They have very long oars for ..... rowing."

"Philip! Pleasr save the rest for later."

"I guess the foals appear. I am yet to see someone who got pregnant after they had just hugged or shaken someone's hands. Maybe pregnancies are now highly transmittable like Ebola or anthrax when the carcass is open and you sit where the wind is going from the carcass.”

“No,” she had replied. "I don't need to kiss or bear hug a thousand frogs in order to bring out a single prince. It's the innocent hugs, touches and kisses that lead to enlargening of the womb outside of marital commitment and you get very sad scenarios of children with absent daddies."

"I surely didn't know that I was a frog. A bull frog rather, croak, croak. Freddy the Frog is a very fine fellow. His back is all green, oh that nursery rhyme! I hadn't fallen in love. I didn't even know about infatuation."

"Just a figure of speech Philip. No offense to the gentry taking the feminine angels on date nights. No offense to the charming princes trying their luck on the good and vitreous single, divorced or available ladies from their hoods."

"Some are female demons on date nights. I swear I have been cheated more than I can swear. Take it from me. Some have weird ideas of date nights."

"The opposite is equally true."

"If only there was an ombudsman for love affairs....."

"Fortunately there is none ....."

He made them a snack. He allowed her to complete her assignment. He was busy preparing his comedy cues. He could stand up saying something stretching his hands and throwing forward or backwards his head. He had a hand held recording device with him. In the end she turned the camera on him while he was busy.

She was impressed with her short video of Philip the comic.

She listened to his radio shows. She worked with Karla in soft furnishings. He was a skilled radio disc jockey. He spoke fast in between requested music. He had great humour on phone in callers. He only stopped talking to play music, when a phone in caller was speaking or over a commercial. Even the children liked to phone in.

Jet black do you mean Boeing 747-400 jet black colour? How can someone say a vehicle is Atlantic Red? You mean Atlantic Red? When does the ocean become red? I thought it was either blue or green.

Pablo said to me in confidence, "When I retire from playing soccer under my team, maybe I will sign up to play for Real Madrid."

I saw this picture where a lady was clipping the nails of a very big dog. They were at lovely home where the camera showed a furnished lounge and archway. I think she is the house keeper/maid of the huge brown dog! It's the dog's real estate and property.

I wondered what time of parishioners go to Mark Church. Someone phones and says Mark Church. I said are you the bishop? He says, No I am called Mark Church not Bishop!

A guy goes to Johannesburg. He buys his wife a present, a 4-plate hob complete with oven to be fitted. He telephones her. “Glory, I bought you this present _____”.

“You are such a good boy.”

“I will carry you up the steps like I did that time ______.”

“Timothy, you have never carried me up the steps. I am 89-kg and you are barely fifty-eight. I want a full report about to be your ex- whom you took up the steps. Whom did you carry?”

“You, in my dreams honey, crisp as an apple plucked off the mother tree today.”

A police detail stopped someone for not wearing a mask properly.

"The mask is coming off as I walk."

"You will need grow another set of ears near your neck next to the old ears so as to change the position of the mask," suggested one police officer. "Do that before you get fined!"

I do not understand why they call a dog, man’s best friend. A man will waddle across crocodile, leech or alligator infested dirty river water or cross an ocean full of whales, sting rays and sharks in order to get a good woman to marry. He will go through a criminal infested neighbourhood just to get a good beer. The same man will in the cold of southern Africa sit down to drink chilled beer! Why doesn't he just settle down with a good retriever or German shepherd dog?

A kid asked his parents.

"What is Ash Wednesday?"

Dad looked up. He replied, "It is when a women like your maternal side is so angry_____."

"Alvin!" Mother interjected.

"It is when a volcano erupts spewing ash all over the region. If the ash falls on your residential perimeter on Wednesdays it becomes Ash Wednesday. It doesn't fall on any other day. It may hang in the air like a hydrogen bomb explosion."

Why is it that a marriage officer asks a guy to take a woman to be his lawfully wedded wife? Is the groom supposed to have an unlawfully wedded one as well? Why doesn’t the reverse apply to the woman too?

In cricket, there is a microphone behind the stumps. Can I use it to record my song?

Cricket batsmen [not Batman the movie,] should stop scratching their feet on the crease when facing bowlers. One, you unnerve both the bowler and the supporters. One batsman scratched his feet aggressively. A Land rover defender 110 series failed to get out when its front wheel got stuck!

I did that task yesterday with my three brothers in-lieu.

Why is it at parties, weddings and other associated events someone stands up and says, “Some of you know me as _____.” Well, everyone knows him/her so where is the catch-22?

The striker approached the eighteen area like a car thief approaching a police road block. The defender started moving like an eighteen wheeler tractor jack knifing across the road. Surely, I don't understand this game where 22-grown men take turns to chase an inflated ball!

BP

Question: - How did BP grow to become a so great worldwide?

Answer: - People took their BP (blood pressure) medication seriously.

I noticed that Letwin is now pregnant. I saw her wearing a flowery paternity outfit!

INTERNATIONAL DEMONSTRATORS WANTED

REQUIREMENTS

1. Must have a valid internationally recognized passport.

2. Knowledge of many languages and proven ability to assimilate to local conditions.

3. Must be well versed in hit and run guerilla war tactics.

4. Must have a body/hair/eyes that can be made to suit local skin tones

5. Diplomatic immunity would be an added advantage against arbitrary arrests, torture, disappearance or in the case of China or Hong Kong, reeducation.

6. Must have the ability to use weapons of war like sling shots, gas masks, petrol bombs and IEDs.

7. Must have the physique (cross between Mike Tyson and the actor, the Rock)

SKILLS

1. Must have proven previous experience in street violence especially demonstrations.

2. Ability to use mob psychology.

3. Must be affiliated to a world renowned causes like Save the Rhinos, Pygmy Lives Matter, Save the Short People or Women's Rights Against Kissing etc.

4. Ability to take own videos of police brutality.

WARNING

1. Some countries like Myanmar have a shoot to kill demonstrators’ policy. (Make sure your insurance covers repatriation of your corpse.)

2. Countries like China give demonstrators free accommodation in state institutions for so many years your name will be forgotten.

3. Find a sponsor before volunteering.

Interviewer: - John, if you were accorded the necessary resources to be a tourist, which countries and sites would you visit?

John: - Iraq, Afghanistan, Gaza Strip, Somalia, Mali, Chad, Israel and Syria.

Interviewer: - The reason?

John: Just to see and compare the size of bomb craters.

Today's whether

It will be fine at first but mild later in the day. There will be scattered afternoon thunder showers. Our maximum temperatures will be 28°C and minimum temperatures will be 34°C.

Women's Soccer Commentary

Shirley is a great striker for her team. He has scored 14-goals to date. Her conversion rate is very high.

Now I am confused, it is mixed soccer liked mixed tennis singles or doubles?

Our national athletes won 7-gold meddlings at the Euro Athletic and Olympic championships this year.

The soccer striker said he kept scoring own goals because he believes someone has bewitched him.

Carbon monoxide is a deadly order less and test less gas.

On behalf of my petite wife and family, allow me the chance to sincerely thank you for thanking me.

Leicester soccer club are playing against Totten ham Hotspot this afternoon.

Jason: - Someone WhatsApp called me when I was in the office meeting.

Stephen: - I don't do WhatsApp calls. I only do video calls with my clients.

Smith: - I only do text calls with my hook ups.

Ben: - Brazil and Argentine played a friendly soccer game in preparation for the world cup 2022.

Alex: - What were the results? Who was at home?

Ben: - Brazil was at home. Brazil 2-1 Argentine

Alex: - At least Argentine has an away goal.

Soccer is a sport where an opponent can make a comment that will make the other team member writhe on the ground. Just in case they may get a free kick or a penalty for the spoken word. No need for two witnesses and a signed affidavit or autograph. Failure which when sprayed with water the victim jumps up and resumes play like they gave seen a Roman Empire ghost.

I saw this oaf of a man drinking cold beer on a snowy day in a mountainous hideout with the winds whistling like the Bermuda Triangle ghosts. I believe the beer he was consuming had anti freeze or brine!

Husband explains a few kitchen points to his wife.

Husband: - I got excited taking hot coffee when I saw a WhatsApp message. I didn't spill the coffee. Not Nescafe' that's a waste.

Wife: - Honey, I just want to know why your back has lacerations.

Husband: - In my excitement at reading the message, taking my coffee too, I went backwards towards the gas hob. One of my elbows managed to turn the knob to highest heat while the automatic system started the burner. You know these new things in technologies where you hardly use your hands like taps and knobs? My shirt back went up like a chicken thrown into hot water. I didn't spill the coffee though.

An African reporter who worked for the state media interviewed a European tourist who was on their way back to Frankfurt Main. The state wanted tourists to showcase that it was safe to visit their country contrary to the political opposition’s claims. These reporters had been graduated from the politically correct thinking barracks of the party machinery. Nobody advised the reporter that the tourist did not watch the state media.

No one advised the reporter also that most of the general populace, lodges or hotels frequented by tourists had satellite television coverage. They did candle lit dinner or sunrise breakfast in the veldt while newscasters were beside themselves trying to outdo each other in praising the state run political machinery.

“What is your take on our wildlife versus the zoos back in your country considering here the wildlife is on free range?”

“We also have free range wildlife in reserves back home. Bears are not caged neither are snow leopards, mountain lions/goats or the bison/moose for that matter. We went walking on foot through Mana Pools Game Reserve along the banks of the Zambezi River. We were chased by an injured lioness.”

The reporter showed his intelligence, political orientation, party choice and right standing with a paring question.

“Did the lioness eat you?“

I told you I don’t trust those boys. Three teenagers are talking about matters of life.

Jeffrey: - There is no bath soap guys.

Charles: - I finished the last itsy bit of it when I had a bath in the morning.

Timothy: - Now come to think of it. If I hadn’t missed my bath for the last four days the soap would have finished much earlier.

I told you. I don’t trust these boys.

My family received an invitation card. We are holding a mouse party in our Kestrel Avenue house in Northlea, Gweru. Should we ask the mice and rats to attend instead?

A man gets clobbered by a round house blow while boxing. The referee counts him out. It's a technical knockout (TKO). He is being interviewed by the press.

Loser: - If my head and chin were not bald I wouldn't have lost the fight. My hair acts like a cushion!

I know the names of a few US, British and Russian nuclear powdered submarines and hair craft carriers.

An interviewee talking to the electronic press. I was raised up on a poor family!

I heard a buzzing and rattling sound. I rushed to dive underneath a desk thinking it was an earthquake. Luckily I came out with a $1 someone had lost. It was a matter of 4/5 large green house flies shaking their wings! The office would have had a day on me.

Timothy: - What is the major differences between the Asian and African elephants?

Joseph: - Asian elephants live in Asia. The African elephant lives in Africa, period!

Timothy: - Dad, be serious!

Joseph: - The African elephants are larger. They have larger ears than their Asian cousins. The African elephants like gossip, bigger ears enable them to tune in to different frequencies. The Asian elephants cheat Asian people to think they are hard of hearing. They have smaller ears.

BLACK FRIDAY SPECIALS

Black Friday specials, talk to your would-be in laws. Customary marriage dowry has been discounted. Marry the woman of your dreams this season. Dowry has never been this affordable. Marry and carry.

UNDERSTANDING ENGLISH

French soccer player Karim Benzema got a Euro €78, 000 fine. I wonder how he spent all the money he got!

THE BORDER

Norman receives a call from his brother.

Norman:- Are you at Beitridge border post Simon?

Simon:- No

Norman:- South African side?

Simon:- Neither. I am hanging on the border fence caught by a loose wire like loose washing.

HACKERS

South Africa has a beer called Hunters Gold. In eastern Europe were most of the ransom demanding hacking against USA, Canada and Europe evolve from, I guess they have BitCoin accounts called Hackers Gold.

MORE SOCCER

Soccer is one sport that incorporates other sports. It is very inclusive. You can do break dance as you celebrate a goal. You can try sky diving celebrating a goal or heading one into the net. You can try aerobics, acrobatics, gymnastics or cycling as long as you end up kicking the ball without making a fool of yourself or the sport. You can try swimming, celebrating goals on the green turf. Head butting is legal only in connection with the ball not the head of another player. What a sport? Boxing is allowed only if sparring upon scoring a goal. Darts or throwing of missiles inbound towards the soccer field are banned.

© Copyright tmagorimbo July 2017