HoneyCrisp 11 Red Delicious
11. Red Delicious
This guy goes into a stationery and print shop. He asks for a quotation of available printers.
“What do you want the printer for?” the sales lady asks. “We have Wi-Fi printers. We also have HP 1102 printers. These are very resilient, sturdy and robust.”
“I saw a Land Rover Discovery Sport HSE vehicle which has a drive shift written PRINT.”
“Print?”
Ooops, the vehicle is written P-arking, R-everse, N-eutral, D-rive, S-ports mode.
There was a huge intestine of Gath called Goliath.
Meanwhile, in breaking news, the police have arrested two men for impersonating thieves. The member-in-charge warned the public saying they should honour other people's professions. The two will appear in court soon charged with trying to pass themselves for African politicians.
In the Tokyo Olympics 2020 held in Japan of course, athletes from all over the world took Olympic gold, silver and bronze in different directions and sports. Others went and came back empty. That is human. It is to be expected. Yet one athlete went as a Belarus and returned as a Polish temporary humanitarian visa holder. Anything is possible at Japan 2020!
A radio disc jockey asked a South African teenager what he wanted to do in the future when he had grown up. The youth replied, "I want to be a looter."
In certain countries, their intelligence, security apparatus, police and military bulwark check for attempts to unseat governments in office. In South Africa the public have no thoughts about unseating their elected governments. They last did that during the reign of the National Party and apartheid. They have now been baptized. They just loot!
Does diplomatic immunity mean career diplomats are immune from the Corona virus or vaccinations?
Are we being given a Corona vaccine or virus at inoculation?
Maybe the Olympics should allow South Africa to introduce the latest trending sport for the Summer games, shop looting!
RELATIONSHIPS
Just imagine the future. No offense meant to inanimate objects. A doctor talking to a patient. "How is the family?"
"Family is OK. Just the same pains."
"I have done a thorough examination. By Thursday we will have the results though I suspect its an allergy that is triggering your heart palpitations. You are physically strong."
"Really?"
"Do you feel your heart feeling queer when you make love?"
"I haven't noticed anything, yet."
"How old is your partner? Older or younger than you?"
"About four years old."
"You mean married for four years?"
"I ........use a robot to satisfy myself doctor. It's about four years old."
"Sex with no strings attached. Sex with no wires attached rather."
Coming from the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games, do not insult your state president/Prime Minister whichever is the executive in command. With some countries, you land on home soil and you are charged with traffic ticket, 15-years in the gulag!
Mr. D. J., thank you for taking my call. I think the African Union or SADCC should ask South Africa to change its name from the English one. No, they should not even be called Mzansi or Mzanzi which all mean south. They ought to be called Looters republic.
Ethiopia is a wonderful country. One of its states or provinces rebels, the government sends in the shock troops. When these start feeling the flak, they do a hasty retreat. The government then declares ceasefire after it has beat a hasty retreat. Who started the war in the first place?
Abkhaz Уа, Шьыжьы бзиа Adyghe Уипчэдыжь шІу Goeiemôre Mayad nga agahon Mir-mëngjes Mirëmëngjes Qilachxizax̂ G&ete Morge Јакшылыкту таҥла abā il kẖayr صباح الخيرṣabā in noor) صباح النّور Saba7 el khayr Բարի' լույս Աստծո բարին Բարի լոյս
Աստուծոյ բարին Buen diya Nii’óóke’ nohkuseic Bonos díes Sabahınız xeyir Rahajeng semeng I ni sɔgɔma Aw ni sɔgɔma хәйерле ирте Egun on Guadn moing Добрай раніцы (Dobraj ranicy) Mwaikaleni 'Mwaombeni Mwashibukeni Eya mukwai
That's how someone who doesn't speak your language hears news in your language.
There will be a soccer shutdown between Manchester United and Liverpool tonight. The pundits have put their money on #£%-+@* (censored).
I am well versed with South African cricket. For instance, one of the best batsmen to come out of the Suid Afrika republic is called Tomato sauce or Ketch-up Maharajah
Minimum wage bill
I propose a minimum wage which is uniform for the whole of Western Europe ie. The European Union for each sector of the economy working with different unions. Like how much do sugar cane, rubber, teak, tea and banana plantation workers in Scandinavia earn per year?
Arthur: - Jim, I hear there is something called a marine generator. Ever heard of it?
Jim: - Yap. There are electricity, thermal, hydro and oxygen generators besides. Ought to have a marine one.
Arthur: - What does it do? Take in seaweed, turtle eggs, plankton, mangrove roots and oysters to produce common sense?
Just asking seriously. Tilda is a mother of a son, Aaron. Tilda moves in with or marries another woman, Jill. Does Aaron address Jill as stepmother or stepfather? If Aaron marries Bertha, does Bertha call Jill step father or mother in-law?
During winter count all your blankets, throw overs, and bedspreads. Make sure none are stolen in your dreams!
I used to be the village champion in play button and empty mineral or beer glass bottle top game competitions. The buttons were ripped from one's shirt, one would put a single one slightly above the knee in a bent position with the foot on the knee top. The third finger was used to shoot. Mother liked the game. She always gave us boys a hiding to encourage retention of the shirt buttons. The bottle tops were gathered from the ground especially near shopping centres. They had to be perfect. I don’t know why we rejected those which were bent or twisted. Maybe it was aerodynamics. Same applies, shoot, the furthest wins. Unfortunately both games are not part of the Olympics!
Two male cats are watching a group of boys playing soccer.
Older cat; "When I was a young boy ......."
Younger cat; "When I was a young girl....."
Joseph: - Hand and feet need to get exercised to get in good condition.
Maxwell: - What of the nose?
Joseph: - For that try head butting or nose bleeding
Canada has joined the United Kingdom in leaving the European Union. News received from the Dumb Heads News Service
A three year old goes to up to their father. “Dad there are many days in the week.”
“There are seven.”
“No, there are more than seven.”
“State them.”
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Weekday
Everyday
Today
Yesterday
Payday
Birthday
Someday
Sameday
Funday
Do you know any others? Add them up.
#theweekisnotmadeofsevendays
I prefer a goose to duck, pheasant or chicken. I eat Canada Goose.
Do not do DNA tests or drink Jack Daniels and water, Johnny Walker, Smirnoff vodka, Crown Royal Deluxe or Barcardi superior either. I did both. After a few glasses of Jack Daniels and coke on ice plus lemon rinds, I met Maureen, a ravishing mother of three. The curls in her hair triggered a false alarm. I had to know more about her style and charisma. I stuck up my usual dating routine. Things got hot. My blood got hotter. Three weeks later, I did DNA tests for her three children. It cost me time and money. It got Maureen to chuck me out of her abode. The results, the children aren't mine after all. Jack Daniels, Smirnoff vodka, Crown Royal Deluxe, Johnny Walker or Bacardi and iced Coke again? No, let me try Ricoffy without milk.
I didn't know there were political parties tasseling in the high courts. I recently heard a judgement being read. The Aggrieved Party has won it's case with costs against the Defendant (Party) in the lawsuit defamation case. I do not known when these two parties will field candidates in the next council or parliamentary election.
SPOTS
The wrestlers fort their match in a catch.
In the game of bass ball they use strikers who heat the boll for rands.
I also play ten is with a Ra cat.
A cheater is a very, very fuss animal
“The pilot said we are flying at 29, 000-feet above sea level. I did British matrices. I do not even know how high it is. We measure height in pounds, pennies, quid and shillings.”
Canada has joined the United Kingdom in leaving the European Union. News received from the Dumb Heads News Service
I prefer a goose to duck, pheasant or chicken. I eat Canada Goose.
The Australians had a hung parliament. They need to form a coalition to form political alliance of centre-right liberal and conservative parties in order to govern the island well. However forming a coalition government is like swallowing a salt water crocodile whole. The better alternative is to call in AB De Villiers, Coco Crisp, Tomas Berdych, Andy Murray, Jason Kipnis, Martin Guptill, Younis Khan, Novak Djokovic, Gael Monfils, Anthony Rizzo, Joe Root, Stephen Curry, LeBron James, Anthony Davis, James Harden and Carlos Santana. Then when you have them as an impressive team you ask them to challenge the Russian dominance of chess or to challenge the likes of Tiger Woods or Mackenzie Hughes.
Emirates Airlines has a Tennis ranking for singles or doubles stars. I wonder when it will rank the married tennis stars.
If I want to raise 5, 000 male chickens, what are the dimensions of their urinary?
A Texas restaurant is selling gunpowder. The Texas police have done nothing about it though it has been reported. It’s called Gunpowder Bison Tartare. I guess the recipe reads like a kilogram of gunpowder, 100-g of hot mustard, iron pellets etc.
This guy says to this girl. “Maria, I rove you a rot.” She is like, “What? Are you Kenyan or Nigerian?”
I was talking to this tourist. Tourist says we went into the back country. We had our showers with buckets hanging over our heads. We never worried about the taps because they were automatic. They shut off when the water ran out. Besides which no one had ever yodeled for another bucket of water. Except this guy who came out of the shower. He discovered there were two lions between him and the tent. The tent occupants were more interested in photographing the predators than heeding his calls for help.
A tour guide is driving a 4 x 4 open top vehicle. He leads a bunch of tourists to a tree. A leopard is feasting on a zebra foal he had just killed. Cameras are working. There are a few gasps. The leopard pulls its prey further into the thorn tree branches. At one point the prey hangs precariously with the hind quarters in the air. The leopards however recovered. One tourist remarked.
“You told me there were tree climbing lions. You didn’t say they were tree climbing zebras too.”
Overheard, two primary school students discussing in a public vehicle on their way to either home or school.
Martin Luther started the reclamation around 30 October 1517 thereabouts!
A landlord of an upmarket upscale apartment block asked one of his tenants.
“Have you ever tried the gas driven fireplace?”
“Oh the one you operate with a remote control device?”
“Yes that one.”
“No, the last time I did the fireball chewed out the upstairs floor. Oops, that was in my dreams. “
Someone said they watch SuperSport Selfie channels. I asked, “What?” “Yes I watch two selfie channels on SuperSport. SSel1 and SSel2.”
This Case II 580 tractor was coming out of its shed like a bear coming out of hibernation. There were a series of lights that twinkled warnings all over. Back in the home country such lights heralded the arrival or departure at speed with a heavy police and military escort, of the state president. Here it was rolling out. At least it didn’t require treads or tyre changes. It rode on its own four tracks. Mind the Russians will usurp this track technology to build military vehicles. The air inlet system sitting close to the driver’s cab looked like bodyguards of an African dictator outdoing each other for a swipe of his/her favours. The driver rode neither on the left nor on the right. This vehicle had no such classification. He rode or drove dead centre.
I watched this 22-wheeler vehicle whose driver I saluted for fine driving on a circular route. I then got worried. Almost every vehicle was overtaking him. Then I looked again at the series playing on television. Oh shame. The truck was now stopped by the side of the road. No wonder my wife told me not to drink coffee at night!
This man is trying to describe a vehicle with rear, front and internal cameras. Instead, he said, “Lady, this vehicle is photographed.”
I asked a farmer in light of modern techniques if any of his cows had had a transgender change. Obviously he wasn’t amused. Then I asked him if any of his horses wanted to adopt calves like humans are adopting animals like leopards, tigers, dogs substituting them for children. He thought I had lost my marbles. I hadn’t. It’s just that I never had any in the first place.
I normally like intelligent questions. Like why do cricket fielders run after a cricket ball rolling or in the air whose velocity is greater than their legs can run heading towards the boundary? In the end the ball makes the boundary. Why do marriage officers ask a man and a woman who are getting married if there is any reason to prevent the marriage in front of hundreds of witnesses? The guy is ready to do his toilet there and you ask if he has second thoughts? The lady is crying because she doesn’t know what she is getting herself into and you ask if she wants to get through? She is probably crying because the engagement or wedding rings are more attractive than the suitor. Besides which they can outlast any marriage even after the grave.
Someone said why do I give up on beer drinking now that you have invented ways of making people become residual drinkers by adding beer to recipes? I would end up getting drunk after eating a wedding cake.
This reporter was talking about a building which had imploded. Oh of course a plane had helped it do that when the aircraft had lost locomotion. The reporter said the building was occupied by the building itself.
There is this place called Newfoundland in Canada. Just imagine someone saying I was in Newfoundland today. Ten years later they say I was in Newfoundland last week. Why do they keep finding new land?
I use a Honda Fit going into the bushy dusty roads towards my rural home. The problem was clearance. Now I have watched an electric passenger locomotive with good clearance. That gives me an idea next time I decide to go rural. I once drove a Peugeot 504 GR diesel sedan. They only made 100, 000 of these. Mine was the 100, 101st!
This guy has a vehicle yet he is short of cash. He is now married so he can’t impress the ladies anymore. There is a funeral in the same locality he lives in. There is a neighbourhood kid who is getting married. This guy is late in getting out of his house. He sees a bus by the road, thinking it’s the one ferrying the wedding team he hurries and gets a ride. He ends up at Glenville cemetery while his wife is frantically asking where he is. He hitch-hikes to the wedding. When at home his wife asks what happened,
“Sweetie I went to the wrong wedding. Instead of Tynwald Gardens near Warren Park I ended up at Margolis near Glenville cemetery.”
“Let’s see photographic evidence,” she says.
He hands her his phone. She scrolls through the photographs.
“How can a sane person make a bridal cake that looks like a casket? Honestly how do the bride and groom dress in black? Are they Satanists?”
This vehicle reviewer says I love the hairdressers [headrests] in this Toyota Hilux Vigo VVT. You can actually rest your egg [head] on them! The reviewer went on to say he liked the take [teak] finish to whatever required the hardwood. The vehicle also has a pornographic [panoramic] sunroof. I guess you can open the sky roof and see blue movies.
When Jack Higgins wrote The Eagle Has Landed, did he mean Zimbabwe's Eagle lager brand?
Living in a socialist country means things will always be in short supply. Blame it on hoarders and sanctions from the West! The black market will always procure more goods than the official channels whether smuggled or contraband. One of the two will be more expensive than the other. At least when supermarket shelves were empty of products there was an alternative. There I was in black Africa, driving a vehicle which the Japanese had probably put in a museum. The spare parts for the Nissan 1600 had long since stopped being manufactured. Versatile mechanics were mixing and matching with parts from non-Nissan models. The engine and system shuddered but fired and worked smoking on its way.
Ken to Jack, teen talk. "If I steal the moon, then we won't worry about half, no or full tides."
Jack, "There will be no lunar Rover or whatever vehicles travelling on its surface."
Ken, "No blood moon or lunar eclipse either."
Jack, "We will be dead. There will be no lunatics too."
A court reads out the indictment of a felon.
"You were caught red handed by the police, in a crack house loaded with contraband drugs. How do you plead?"
Felon responds, "I should have been caught in the White House. I didn't have the security clearance. I would have been arraigned here for espionage instead your honour."
This new instruction by public transport for babies to be in baby carriers, one day a conductor will ask a pregnant lady to make sure the baby she is carrying is strapped in a baby carrier!
Nobody told me to follow a silver fuel tanker because that was standard. Wherever this previous juice was being delivered, I would be the first vehicle on the queue. Lucky for me, it led me to a high density suburb less than two kilometres from my medium density residential area. It drove straight into a beer drinking den!
I think I had left my glasses at home. It was carrying opaque beer not petrol.
I have a serious question to those who are techo savvy. If you are shooting a video using a camera or a phone with a camera, if you upend the camera, the video will show the consequences. If you are doing a voice note with a WhatApp capable phone, will the voice note show the same upside down?
I understand there are public toilets and shower/ bath and powder rooms. Are there any public tooth brushes near the public washing basins?
Drivers in Zimbabwe sit on the right while in the USA they sit on the left hence RHD or LHD. Now, on which side does a driver of a Harley Davison motor cycle sit if he is driving in the UK?
Lady Astor, a member of the British Parliament, was a constant thorn in the side of Winston Churchill, always criticizing him. One day the two of them got into a heated conversation and she said, "Winston, I don't like your politics, and I don't like your moustache." He looked at her and said, "Madam, I see no earthly reason why you should ever come into contact with either one."
NOTICE INSIDE A PUBLIC TOILET ON THE WAY OUT
Traffic that is coming out should give way to the traffic coming in. Nature is strongly opposing traffic coming in. Emergency cases are found on the way in. They have right of access, right of admission first, ask questions, later.
The greatest export in 2019 for the British are headaches they are causing because of BREXIT.
Marriage counsellor asks a husband in a troubled relationship.
“Did your spouse ever present a burnt meal?”
“Did she? She did thinking it was a burnt offering to the deity. You should ask when she started to bring burnt food and when last she did. One time I thought the burnt turkey was part of a voodoo session.”
“Then another reviewer said, “This is the Volvo V40, not 40 valves per cylinder No, Not V-40 while Cadillacs are V-12, just Volvo V40. V comes after W but not VW for Volkswagen. This car is missing a boot. Someone pinched it. Oops, it’s a hatchback that is why.”
What sort of tissue paper did giant Goliath use?
Some pages have a FAQ section that is for Frequently Asked Questions. I have both, a FAQ and FASQ. FASQ stands for frequently asked stupid questions. Are you on the FASQ page?
BAD ROADS
I recently travelled through a stretch of bad roads. From Glen Forest turn off on the way to Domboshawa, there was about 3-km of what looked like twisted tarmac taken off a giant's mouth. I found myself lurching to, from and sideways. I looked for rails to hold onto like someone in a public bus but there were none. I walked through some tough stretches.
This vehicle is not like others that have a sunroof. This one has a moon roof with which you can peep at the stars at night. Then I test drove a Toyota bakkie. I put four passengers in the rear luggage compartment. Fortunately there was no canopy. It had automatic climate control. At speed the wind whistled and howled at the passengers. In a dusty environment, the passengers could hold their breath. This was good if they wanted to train for the marines or the Special Forces. When it rained the passengers leant about endurance!
Have you ever wondered why things happened the way they did when we grew up? Why was bread sweeter and its crust more oily than today? Why was it longer and heavier than today’s? Why did some of us boys pull our resources together to buy half a loaf of bread which we ate in the bushes between residences and locations which today have become extension of places? You now have New Ascot in Gweru, Unit A extension in Seke, Zengeza 3 and 5 Extensions, Kuwadzana 5 extension to name but a few? Now how did my mother know that I had put my little fingers into the sugar jar? Just try and imagine a young child who had taken a spoonful of powdered milk. The mother calls your name. You try and swallow and answer at the same time. Pop, an explosion of guilt!
Then I followed the advice of the manual for this Mercedes latest version whose model I won’t mention for professional reasons. It was touted as having parking assists. So I used the parking assists to get into my vehicle garage. There was no problem until my wife asked me why two of her plastic refuse bins were flattened. One would have thought they were made of plastic paper not moulded upright.
I have watched what they call soccer to differentiate it from American foot brawl, sorry football. There are different types of spectators. There are those who hold their heads with both hands looking at the match. Obviously I noticed they will not be celebrating the referee’s decision or a goal. There are those with stony faces be it goals for and goals against. I gathered these are mostly found in the VIP or VVIP section. Me, I will be having a barman nearby to call out, “Barman another Johnny Walker with Coke. I will read the soccer results tomorrow on the sports page.”
I went up the Zambezi River from the Victoria Falls. We went up by a rugged Land Rover Defender series that was open topped. In the dust of the game reserve a group of elephants started tailing and spying on us. I advised the driver that I had patented a new weapon. The exhaust shafts should look down towards the dry ground. The driver would rev the engine creating dust which would billow upwards of seven metres. Hopefully, the tailing elephants or marauding lions wouldn’t see us in the dust storm. Then the driver had to have the instinct to drive. Hopefully he wouldn’t drive us from marauding elephant herds into a party of hungry lions, a few hippos with calves or straight into the muddy Zambezi with some lonely lazy and hungry crocodiles lying around.
Crime is a bad thing. Jack got incarcerated. A jail guard called Joseph showed him to his new free food and lodging quarters within the prison complex. Two years later when he left the prison a free man, a correctional officer called Josephine who looked like Joseph took him out. In between there had been a trans-gender change. Never do crime.
“You are Mr.?”
“No.”
“Mrs.?”
“No.”
“?”
“I am transgender.”
“I am not criticizing. When we grew up it was either male or female. There was no transgender or she-male whatsoever. It’s confusing. Instead of two toilets, will we have four sets?”
“No, just don’t do crime.”
The government’s vehicle licensing inspectorate has started issuing personalized vehicle licence plates. You can have your name or team emblazoned as a vehicle licence. I wonder if I can have my licence plates reading like Intelligence, Police, Air-Force, Artillery, Wet-Jobs, Corruption, Remove-the-President, Blow Job, Up-Yours, Erection, Wet-&$%#^, Horny-Bachelor etc.
There was me and a tourist. I asked him.
“Where do you come from?”
“Los Angeles.”
“Ah,” said I. “I know there is Chinatown in Los Angeles, Chicago and New York.”
“Really?”
“Yeah my wife went to the equal rights women’s conference in Beijing where she also visited their Chinatown.”
I went to Deadbeats Dry Bones Primary School. There was a Caucasian headmaster called Mr. Stoneman. He was standing there at assembly neatly dressed with a bald head besides which his bald patch was two thirds of his head. An ECD pupil started singing a song. A stone has grown ears which is a song sung for bald-headed people.
The same reviewer said ‘this vehicle has an engine that runs even when the engine hood is shut’. He further explained into the vehicle mounted camera systems, “Peugeot hasn’t yet created a vehicle that can refuel in mid-air from a French Air Force tanker. I have driven one old Saab vehicle that had a speedometer reading of 20-km/hr. while it was stationery. My feet were on the ground. The engine was off. I guess if I switched it on, it would be at 50km/hr. with the brakes on. Now I saw a video of workers building a Ford Mustang. The question is if the Mustang is yellow, green or turquoise, are the engines of the same colour? Peugeot had introduced the 626 when someone claimed they had a Peugeot 929. I asked Peugeot 929, he said yes because someone had tempered with the Peugeot badge and it read ‘626’ downwards.”
The vehicle is a single engine, do we have double engine street legal vehicles? I guess if the one engine falls we won’t auto-rotate.
The colour is midnight purple. Is there daylight purple?
This guy is commentating. He said U-said-Bolt. Who is this guy with a name like that of Usain Bolt?
Then this guy, Martin buys a BMW 535i which has an owner’s manual. He flicks through, there is a page written, “How to open the coal chute___.”
A newsman interviews a pace bowler who has done a good run. “You lifted up your fist and air punched.”
“I didn’t think it holy to lift my index finger instead.”
When I first heard of the Dacia Duster I wondered what sort of a chalkboard apparatus it looked like to have such a name. Then I heard the colours, turquoise, magnetic blue, Irish red without Armagh homemade explosive devices and sea green. I wondered how many dusters a teacher needed for a set of chalkboards.
Warning sign on a factory building housing a furnace, where steel is made. “No unauthorized personnel are allowed inside _____.” Inside the furnace or what?
Guy is in Business Class on Singapore Airlines. He tries to impress a Philippine lady. He wants to recharge his iPhone. He puts it in the retractable freezer instead of the storage drawer to recharge. I guess there are duty free shops at Manila International Airport.
Lady asked me. Sir, what is a female lion called? I asked her what a female bull was called. Lion is for the male. She stomped off. If she and I were both single, of the same race, I wouldn’t get a date even if I had a BMW purring nearby.
This teacher asked me to write 8 inverted and 7 in capital letters. That is why I hate Mathematics. It makes fools out of geniuses like me.
On a visit to a farm, I noticed the following signs. Let's hear the radio audience reaction.
1. Our cows do horse kicks, stay off their pastures.
2. Don't entice our crocodiles with liquor, they will shade crocodile tears.
3. Vermin trespassers will be prosecuted by the owl division of our security apparatus.
4. Stowage of other people's property without their permission is a prison offense.
5. Unless you are a horse, stay away from the milking shed.
This Nigerian guy says to me Hi Gail or Charles, it sounded the same. Since when did thing become a ting?
Has the refuse truck passed by? I wanted to empty my laptop recycle bin?
A police officer sees a vehicle driving in a pedestrian sidewalk in the high density areas. He stops and issues the vehicle driver with a ticket for endangering the lives of pedestrians. Short of correct English words, he wrote, “Driving offside the road.” The question is where was the referee when the assistant referee issued the ticket?
© Copyright tmagorimbo July 2017