HoneyCrisp 12 Braeburn

I am the bread bin of my family, declared one man. I am the only one who is earning a leaving!

HoneyCrisp 12 Braeburn

When they say the British mint, do they mean they need a highly effective and organized security just to maintain or produce mint sweets/candy? How then do you turn sweets/candy into coins when they say ‘minting coins’?

Thieves in South Africa have complained bitterly to the press. They say their livelihoods are now at stake. "Everyone went looting so where do we sell stolen merchandise! Besides these ordinary people have intruded into our craft. They are not professionals. There are too many faces on the police wanted list. How do we become infamous?"

A South African citizen has applied for political asylum in a western country. He gave the reasons as; "I was looted."

I like your YouTube channel. However I can't find the button written, describe.

You don't hunger stand!

FIGHTING

He hit Jim with a roundhouse blow to the face. He followed it with an upper cut to the jaw. Jim staggered backwards holding his head. I saw someone with a smart phone recording a video. I am sure there was a VAR checking if Roger had been offside when he delivered the two crunch blows to Jim.

CONSTRUCTION

XFDB Construction

Buzz us for a friendly, no holds barred, no obligation quote.

We do work in progress.

These premises are under 24-hour surveillance from a fake note detector!

Table Mountain is in Cape Town, South Africa opposite Table Bay. I however don't know where the chairs, cushions and table cloths are located.

Ben: - In my language Zenzo, our mother used to say, raise your feet when walking, don't drag them on the floor. What did your Sotho mother say?

Zenzo: - Don't leave your feet back when moving forwards!

Conrad, you are a soccer fundi. What's the meaning of Liv 2 vs 1 New?

Conrad:- It means Liverpool soccer club had scored two against New Zealand all blacks.

Me? I don't sing. I used to. The neighbours gathered around my compound. They wanted to know which of my many relatives had died this time. To save them grief, I stopped singing. I hummed to the tune of some songs. I got bitten up by hornets, ants, bees and wasps. It had nothing to do with the opaque beer calabash or the tobacco smoke. Music is a travesty, I tell you. The very next Korean War-2, the North Koreans should try discordant voices!

THE BELL

The old buses that plied the African townships were run by state aid. They were built on DAF chassis by a local assembler using the acronym AVM. That's not the point. They had a bell tied and tensioned to a twine like string that ran along the bus centre near one of the two hand rails. Pulling it once had the bell chiming. That was a signal for the driver to stop at the next bus stop. The drivers didn't like the bell being rung twice. If that happened, they skipped the next bus stop dropping the passengers further. By then they would have been some tongue Kung Fu between passengers themselves and involving the driver and them. Then came clumsy uncle Bonanza. We said the nickname behind his back. When he was disembarking, he held onto the string not once, not twice. Do you know why he was dropped two bus stops from our home?

Don't be like an African politician from a certain country and enclave who goes into an office toilet, finds no toilet paper and blames it on US sanctions.

My daughter likes brightly coloured dolls with stuffing. She paints their mouths, eyes, lips and ears in different shades using water paint. At one time the ears were mint blue. The other time we took public transport. There was a woman with cherry red lipstick, green eye shadow, orange mascara and grey lip gloss. She was dressed in different colours like Jojo the clown. My 3-year old daughter took to her instantly. Do you know why? Luckily I didn't have any water colours.

When they say Land Rover 110 series, full house for sale, do they mean brick under tile/slate/asbestos etc. with a Land Rover 110 as a spanner thrown in the works?

Remonstrate means objecting or showing disapproval. So 2, 000 remonstrators were disbursed by heavily armed riot police.

THE GOOD OLE DAYS

Only the city of KweKwe had it correctly. In Mbizo 3 residential suburb, at a corner, to the left was Garandichauya beer hall. To the right, you guessed it like in the cartoon network films, Mbizo Police Station and camp residences. Drunkards staggering out of the beer hall could debunk, debrief, sleep it off and theorize in the police holding cells for reckless & rowdy behaviours or public indecency. While exercising, now sober in holding cells, through their fences, the drunkards called out to passerby comprising friends and family to bring their fines. Once released, they could choose to do the whole cycle over again! Just Mbizo it!

A solar eclipse is when the sun goes between the moon and the earth. The moon looses its brightness. It becomes dull red.

A sonar eclipse is when an object gets between two sound receivers causing static.

The reason why we are poor is most of us can't spell the word expertation. Even the Chinese can spell the Helo River well.

AUSTRALIA

Australia was built by convict labour. Right? Even the late Zimbabwe president, Robert G. Mugabe knew that. He used to remind Canberra of that when they had a beef and tiff. I guess Canberra had forgotten.

Now the governor of Sydney in the mid 1850's would write to the British crown in London requesting more prisoners. Of course more men than women (my guess 8.5:1.5). He would advise the crown there were no escapees neither was there any prison rioting. #blacklivesmatter had not yet started. The terrain was desert on one side after impenetrable mountains and cliffs, surf, breakers and a boiling sea on the other. With dingo dogs and sharks who wanted to do a prison break? Years later he wrote for more prisoners. Roads, telegraph masts, railroad & their bridges, road bridges, farm and other state assets needed to be constructed. More land for the British Commonwealth! Long live the empire the sun never set on! The prisoners who had finished their sentences did not want to return to olde England. They had gone through a change of behaviour and mindset.

The question is at what point did the governor write something like, could you send also, free souls, eg. about 4, 788 adult females +20-years? They will live with host families maximum a year or two. We are having a problem of too many free horny bachelors who may be enticed into sin? Where was homosexuality or beastiality (more horses, camels, goats, sheep, sharks, kaolas, pigs, cows, manure, poultry and mares than men) all this while?

AIRBAGS

The man had airbags underneath his eyes. In case of an accident, they could inflate and prevent his nose smudging.

Read the scriptures in the Amplified vision.

The state has outlawed the habit of residents in cities/towns like Harare who have been fishing in potholes. The state spokesperson said fishing tack could cause major accidents on bone shaking disorderly state and municipal roads that are littered with potholes like lakes on the Canadian tundra. An analyst said probably fishing in these roads and lakes/rivers required different type of licences.

Darlene, I am a fundi of English soccer. For instance the quickest goal for Newcastle was scored by their first substitute fifteen seconds into the first half!

I am normally afraid of dogs. This other day I saw a lady as tall as Goliath yet as thin as an Olympic swimmer tugging at the leash of a dog as big as a grown cat. The dog's eyes were sunk with its fur. It looked at me and barked. The sound was like a double bunk bed squeaking! I chased it into the arms of Ms. Goliath.

English premier league managers are pregnant and expecting babies. I heard one reporter saying the English managers, are expecting a bumper harvest of points in the Europe league.

This Corona delta variant, is it the same as Delta Beverages (they produce beer and carbonated soft drinks)?

I bought a pen at Google Play Store corner Third & Burnside Street, downtown near the Imoji bar.

Martina said; "I got a siblings beef with my only brother Michael."

Me: "Is it topside, forequarter, rump steak or T-bone?"

ACCOMMODATION REVIEW

The flat has central eating. It has a 4-plate hobble for looking. There is a zinc with a faucet.

BORDER TENSIONS

I note that there is tension between Ukraine and Russia. It is supposedly because of NATO expansion. Well, my country has amassed ten thousand border jumbers near the South African border. The SA government has set up road blocks before Johannesburg. Does the SA government have road blocks against farm, mine and dirt trails used by foot as well? There is no diplomatic talks about it. Maybe I will take the issue up to the United Nations just like the USA did when more Russian jack boots amassed near the Ukrainian border. Whose side will I be on, the economic refugees or the ANC government?

CAR REVIEWS

I was reviewing this chic SUV. The keys were on, in the ignition. It was making all beeping sounds, door open, seat belts, are you smoking etc. There was this sign that read, wheels are on. The vehicle has an automatic tail gate. You cant fit a cow in through it though, cruelty to bovine species. It's free to use. However, if you need use the toll gate you need cash.

This vehicle is of child bearing age. It's about 25-years old.

I will next make a review of a non heated swimming pool constructed in Lapland. Let me order my summer coat for the cold weather there first.

VERY SERIOUS x-TH WAVE

There is a x-th and very serious wave coming during this Corona epidemic. Check out the sea piling towards us. Ride the big wave you!

HINGRISH

Who were you born?

Our international company is looking for a skilled and knowledgeable person. Their duties will be to enter Pretoria between our language speakers and foreigners, viz. English speakers.

According to my death certificate, I am retiring from the Teaching profession in fifteen years time.

Which section of the Bible has a book about making drinks?

He-brews

My kitchen has a Microsoft oven for quick heating of food and beverages.

These things they call Deskjet printers, do they use aviation fuel? Does Boeing aviation, Airbus or Rolls-Royce make any such models?

I am not as slow as a speeding tortoise or snail.

The woman was wearing a beaded necklace around her waist.

Whatever an author writes, years later literature students analyze what they think the author wanted to say. They are currently doing it with all literary works and the Bible too. I will write something below, analyse what I wanted to say years later:-

Z.

An African musician appearing on state run television. "I am the black Michael Jackson". Am I colour blind? I thought the icon was a Negro. Hey nigga! Aw Dogg where is Snoop Dogg at?

Martin: - The Ford Ranger has LED headlights.

Henry: - The Citroen also has HIV headlamps

There are some marched pet-to-toes for lunch if you prefer them to roost or backed ones.

This guy said his dogs spent the whole night parking. I thought on it. No wonder, he must have barked his vehicle in the wrong place.

If you say spouse for sale, the women/men’s liberation organization will take you apart. Let me rephrase now. Sex robot for sale! Sold as is!

My country is unique. They demand a relevant degree to be a bus conductor. The duties; collecting cash in lieu of tickets and balancing both.

My mother is the man of the house!

You hear reporters saying something like, Chinese, Russian, North Korean or US intelligence as if the big powers have a patent on human intelligence. Is it all about our IQ?

Amos visited a wind farm. He wondered who the minister of agriculture in charge of wind production was. Amos knew viticulture, pisciculture, pomology but what of wind? In the future we would have snow and ice farming.

Those born April 31 in a leap year, raise your hands. Happy birthday in advance guys. Lot of love.

In most countries, especially in Africa, most presidents start as prisoners or exiles. They return with pomp, splendour and ceremony. South Africa is unique. It has both cases where you start as a prisoner/in exile and then end as a prisoner as well. Somewhere in between is pomp, splendour and ceremony!

CREEPY & CRAZY ROAD SIGNS

No police, fire services, politicians, lawyers, weirdoes, straight/LBGQ whatever, #£%&+ witnesses, they are all here in full. It's a cemetery!

The square root of 100 is 10. The square root of New York, New York is one New York.

What is the square root of Big Ben?

Why do people from Jamaica especially reggae artistes pronounce it like this, Jamaica – Joe may car?

Why did this British farmer get offended? I saw a six year old carrying his daddy’s toolbox to fix a motor cycle. I said he will grow up to be a motor cycle mechanic. Then I saw this four year old sitting in a six-wheel massive Casey tractor which was pulling a 3-tier hydraulics operated plough. I said the boy would grow up to be a Casey tractor.

I went to a certain country. I talked on the radio. I said I am seven feet nine inches tall. One of the listeners asked me to see a psychiatrist. Do you gather why he recommended I see one?

A project manager telephoned his contractor. It was on a Sunday. They were working on a contract. They had a deadline and business to lose.

“Are you sure there is no problem?”

”There is none whatsoever sir. I have been to the workshop for repairs. It has Greek words reading, C _ L _ O _S _ E_ D O _ N S – U _ N _ D _ A _ Y.”

I saw this match on eTV. The screen had a Repeat mark. It was Arsenal vs. West Ham United. What I didn’t understand was the repeat for the name of the stadium being shown by the camera or the two coaches greeting before the match kicked off.

RULES TO MEN FOR MEN

RULE #436

No man ought to look at another whose mouth is full of hot coffee! It is like shouting, "there is no water," to a man on a toilet seat when his bowels have been loosened! Maybe the sewer system isn't operational! Do I make myself clear, hmmm?

In this cable television series the announcer of a program continued saying, “the team ___,” everything was done by the team. You can imagine giving this person a microphone during a soccer match. One would be hard put to find which of the eleven man ‘team’ was trying to penetrate the opposition.

Banana Splits Recipe

Buy as many bananas as you can eat. Get a good sharp knife. Split as many shapes as you can. Was there any other sane recipe?

EARS

I want to start an organization to deal with the abuse of humans ears. All people whose ears have been weighed down by masks, spectacles, hearing aids or pencils are welcome. To prevent a massive lawsuit, manufacturers of things that are abusing our ears will have to adapt like computer technology. They should make plug and play devices without attachment to the ears! What is the best name for this organization?

The Catchers.

Somewhere in the middle of junior school, about the first grade or year, we did athletics. We ran the childish equivalent to the 100-m (33.33-feet) or 200-m (66.66-feet) dash. Teachers were organized into lots. Four of the teachers were catchers. Each students caught was in the pattern of first to fourth place. Being selected within the first four from an eight track run was being amongst the select few. These would compete amongst themselves to select the Frankie Fredericks or USAID Bolt of the morrow. Each time I crossed the finish line when the first race volley started, I made myself available to the teacher who was the fourth position catcher. Imagine the consternation throughout junior school when these teachers brushed past or literally side stepped me to select someone else!

Then my sister's friend hit me with a 99-yard home run with her remark. I didn't understand English then. I should have. I now do. It's too late. "Your little brother was number 1 last!"

ARE GIRAFFES DANGEROUS TO HUMANS?

Before deciding whether a road is good, bad or fair, you check out the general road signage and conditions. Giraffes stand at 4. 6 – 6.1-m in height. That is, they can poke into the first storey of a building. Don't worry they can’t comprehend what's taking place otherwise they could have been used to spy. Are they dangerous to human beings? Nah! The only time giraffes will be dangerous to humans is when legislation is enacted banning tall spindly legs, robust necks and the funny shape that makes them look like they are sliding down and backwards.

Imagine a team of national parks and police scurrying through the bushes checking on height compliance. I will give prizes to the first official to be able to measure the giraffes from hooves to the fake horn on their heads. Standby for necking. One twist, one blow of the neck can send a human being into partial orbit or permanent celibacy. The necking is normally for determining breeding rights amongst males. Giraffes, much like humans defend their territory and their young.

A mother giraffe with a nursing baby is a very sensitive animal. More sensitive than Russian radar. But they don't have antennas, bless them. As long as humans do not try to pet baby giraffes, the humans are not in danger. Observe the unwritten rule of thumb. Never stand between a mother giraffe and her baby. No matter how innocent they look, scram. Giraffes, that is the males, observe a season like must for elephants. In human terms, the females become receptive to attention from the males while the males may become aggressive.

Males defend their territory and harem at all cost from other giraffes. Don't wear a giraffe suit or get in between. They don't need a human referee when neck wrestling. Giraffes have ample weapons of defence for both species. They can bite and kick with all four feet flying at the same time. A kick from a giraffe can kill a male lion. It won't daze a human being. For that we will need DNA samples to identify you more so if you are trampled.

Jumping up won't help much. Giraffes can browse leaves in an acacia tree. Humans can hide from a hungry lion pride in an acacia tree. Don't mind the prickly thorns though. Giraffes can sniff luggage on top of a Mercedes Actros roof rack! On the other hand, if you approach them wearing a lion suit, do you expect them to giggle, roll on the ground and laugh? Don't frighten or startle them in any way. They will try and defend themselves.

When mating season is on, don't try and compete for the females with the males. Even if you are a female, giraffes have no sexual orientation of identifying humans. That's not scientific but believe you me. No human can do neck boxing with giraffes and survive. Basically giraffes are weary of human beings. Remember the basics, the tongue of the giraffes is 45-50-cm so don't try to hand feed lest it sucks your fingers in.

They have teeth! The neck is as long as a six foot human being. If you remember the neck alone weighs the same as three average adults, avoid it at all costs! Only lions have been known to jump hither hold tither and bring the whole body crashing down. Believe me there is a thunderous way to fell a giraffe. But even for lions, a meaty dish can lead them into the belly of Egyptian vultures. Where the heck do we find the trampoline to jump from to get hold of the meaty neck of a giraffe?

One man said my grandson got up on his hind legs. Do they have forelegs?

Just imagine you don't like bathing every day whether it’s cool or very hot. You don't even like seeing yourself immersed in a river! Then you get a prophecy that says go bathe yourself in the Jordan River, not once a day for seven days but seven times in the same day!

I have been vaccinated. The vaccine used is a Madonna one. Next someone will get a Lady Gaga one.

My Asian boss to me in conversation. “I sent a whole loaf of merchandise to the Durban shop.”

Me; “Was it brown, regular, whole wheat or white?”

Jack said in the Arab-Israeli war, Arabs fired misguided missiles at Israeli war planes. No wonder some people need interpreters when they converse in any language.

Is it possible for a man to leave Jan Smuts International Airport, (aww aah it changed names to something, is it like Nelson Mbeki International?) on their way to Rio De Jenairo, they land at Nairobi International, Kenya, their luggage lands at Frankfurt Main International? If it is impossible then why does your Facebook account say you went to Harvard University the same year you were working in Namibia? Add to which you say your current location is London UK but internet says you are logging on in Mutare, Zimbabwe? According to Facebook user age data, the oldest people are found in Africa, some have dates of birth going back to 1915. Anything is possible in the Corona age.

Who won the UEFA 20xx soccer prize for the best own goal?

Someone calls a radio station, can you play me anything by Lucifer Vandross.

Someone says I should go get vaccinated against yellow fever, HIV AIDS, Malaria or Covid-19 or in short, get a jab, whatever as long as I show them a vaccination certificate! Me, it's jobs I want even three (3) a day will do to feed the family. I can show you pay slips or bank deposits/statements then. Hau, I need jobs. Its Steve Jobs not Steve Jabs!

Jack: - The causes of my marital problems are that I should have married in 1980 before I was born. Can I have another hot mug of coffee?

Me: - You see why I take hot chocolate instead?

There are 800, 000 words in an English dictionary. Which means an 800, 000-word English novel is basically a jumbled English dictionary. So long prose writers should be called English dictionary writers.

This man is announcing how a television system works. He is holding the remote control. He looks at the camera and boldly says, “You press this button from which you will get the main manure (menu) of the system.”

There was a one day international cricket match between Suffolk and Oxford. “Man that is a local cricket match, not an international one day(er). Both teams fielded seven international players from Barbados, Bermuda, India, Pakistan and South Africa.”

I normally tell jokes or humour. Today I am with a wild life enthusiast. Let me find out how much we know about wildlife. Ian, if there are two lionesses living outside a pride what can be the reasons for this?

Ian: - They could have been ejected from a pride to prevent daughters mating with their father. Inter-breeding causes fatal diseases in lion prides. They could also be having cubs at a time when the rest of the pride move away following prey like buffalo, wildebeest etc. For example there are the great migrations in the Masai Mara and related game reserves between Kenya and Tanzania in search of greener and short grasses by the wildebeest.

I mean in a situation where two lionesses are hunting and living on their own with cubs yes.

Ian: - Most likely their cubs were immature to be introduced to the pride when the rest moved out. Another reason is male lions fight for pride take over. The lionesses if they had cubs saved these cubs’ lives by moving away from the slaughter of other cubs. In a pride take over, the cubs get killed to bring their mothers into heat. The juveniles get expelled. The juveniles if they had not mastered hunting skills can die of hunger or become rogue males/females until they find prides.

This question came from a viewer who saw something odd when they went game viewing. Then what happens when such two lionesses raise their own cubs?

Ian: - Either they will find mating males when their cubs are grown up in which case males will be ejected when the pride forms. Lionesses also behave this way. When their dormant male is old and there is a group of younger challengers, the daughters can go and mate because of nature. The mothers can do it so that when these males come to drive out the dominant males they can scent their own offspring.

Is there any point were a pride can disintegrate?

Ian: - Very much so with many reasons. Drought can be a killer of prides and prey as well. There can be diseases within the pride like in some instances lions are contracting bovine tuberculosis from buffalos which is deadly. Not every member of the pride is an excellent hunter. Some are thrashers who drive prey towards those that catch and snuffle the life out. Juveniles can be slow in getting the gist of this so when the main huntress dies or is injured they pride can starve. In pride take over males are ejected, even some lionesses can leave when they sense a blood battle.

At a manufacturer’s exhibition one reporter was talking.

(1) John Deere 6230R tractor has a tank capacity of 470-litres for diesel. It can lift 7-tons on the rear and about 4-tons on the front. If humans could lift half their weight either side the number of workers required would be halved. The profits could go through the roof. Government income would increase. The John Deere 6230R tractor has a 6, 8-litre 6-cycle engine. It is manufactured in Mannheim somewhere in Baden-Warttemberg, must be West Germany, wherever it is, it’s not near the Arctic Circle.

(2) The other tractor is a Kubota M-111 series [No relationship with the F 111 sleuth attack fighter which goes faster than the speed of its own shadow] It has a 3, 8-litre 4 cylinder diesel engine. It has a fuel capacity close to 105-litres. Some variants are 4 x 4 configurations. However, I haven’t yet seen them being used in the Australian outback against nature.

(3) The Armata T-14 is a Russian built and designed tractor that has three operators. It is not a good labour saving device. A thousand of them would require triple the operators of the Kubota M111. The crew consists of, driver, gunner and tank commander. It has a remote controlled turret. It weighs 48-tons with a speed of about 80km/hr. and a range of about 500-km. The power train is a gas turbine 1500 horse power engine with an automatic eight speed selection.

Cricket is a sport named after an insect. What is the Duckworth-Lewis method all about? This is a general rule of thumb which works such that one team sweats out a large amount of runs while the other team is praying for rain or snow. The target for the latter team is reduced. Just like that.

Used tea bags for sale. Go economic, used medical syringes and toothbrushes too. Fake disease injections! If you can buy fake watches and cellphones. These will work for you. You do not need funeral insurance.

Mark tried out his brand new Sony high definition television set. There was a voice button on the remote for instruction. A voice message would give Mark instructions or it would read and analyse his voice. He eagerly pressed it. It worked! A voice said, “Speak”. He spoke. The voice replied, “What a coarse voice you have lovely lady!”

This gent from a country I will not mention for posterity reasons gets into a three berth cabin cruiser boat. He asks the skipper, “Does this boat have hair conditioning?”

I stopped doing athletics first grade in junior school around the age of six. Given a length to run, eight of us would set off at a sprint. You know first graders right? I would be mid-way when the rest of the team were sent on the second run in the opposite direction facing me. I would make a U-turn, turn tail with an impressive advantage only to be the last to cross the line. I guess the catchers never liked me for 1st to 4th place.

Then I tried street fighting. We had gangs in the hood. I picked up a fight one day. The six to seven year olds gathered around us. We exchanged bare knuckles. Half supported me while the others the opposition, which was fair and fine. One self-appointed referee shouted, no biting, no bear holding. I got floored by one fist. I went down the hard way, flying hard. Had the ground been quick sand the better. I would have done a Korah and Dathan disappearing forever and ever. Lo, the stuff was as hard as concrete. It failed to hide silly embarrassed me within its sheath.

Even Jack Dempsey or Mohammed Ali tested the canvas floor several times in their careers. This referee never counted to ten. His eyes were wide rimmed like round fireballs balls, his tongue was stuck on the upper palate, fright had taken over like an actor whose robe falls to the floor just as the curtain goes up, leaving them in sun tanned birth suit. The shouting and cheering had grown silent. I wasn't the first one to fall down. I mustn’t be the last, these things ought to continue so we know it’s human. I played at fainting to reduce embarrassment. The little group had no fresh water. When I came to, warm to hot liquid from different reservoirs was washing over me.

My brother is now a member of the European Union. He immigrated to Denmark recently.

Beware of fake diseases. Medical aid societies do not refund claims for such. You can't claim funeral assurance for yourself for a fake disease too!

I don’t understand why a given motor vehicle manufacturing company whose name I will withhold for state security reasons purchases huge rolls of steel sheeting. They go through stamping and spot welding. Then they produce dirty and ugly looking little monstrous vehicles that however still sell about 180, 000 units a year.

Finland is a beautiful country. Second to Canada, it has the world’s largest collection of lakes. Its winters are amazing. They are yet to patent a mechanical contraption that doesn’t use fuel, is user friendly in order to walk through 2-metres of powder snow. Ask Stalin, he knows the Finish resistance to wintery powder snow in the 1938-39 war.

COAST GUARD

A US coast guard official was addressing the press.

The problem is caused by illegal smugglers who are bringing illegal material/immigrants into the states."

Question: Have smugglers ever been legal? Do they at tines bring legal materials?

EAR PROBLEMS

Perhaps you've heard the story of the guy who went to the doctor with a severe burn on his right ear. He explained, "I was ironing and watching television when the phone rang, and I picked up the iron instead of the phone." Puzzled, the doctor said, "But how did you get the burn on your left ear?" The man exclaimed, "Because he called back!"

GOT ANY CHANGE?

A man walked into a convenience store in Wollongong, Australia, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

What is the difference between soccer and cricket?

Answer: -

The main differences are there is a bat and pads for players in cricket. There is absolutely no protection in soccer except goalkeeper's gloves. The only protection is the macho referee and his two assistants or these days the television referee. Or is it the televised referee?

Imagine a soccer goal keeper wearing a helmet. The Americans went a foot further to protect players in their football though most of the world calls it foot brawl. With soccer, teams fight over the colours of their uniforms.

With cricket, the two batsmen will not confuse each other. It’s only them at the crease against the other eleven, even if they use the same colours. Cricketers are as colour blind as a doughnut or flying bat.

In soccer, only the riot police have shields, helmets and bats. The police call their bats batons. They are normally made of plastic. They could do well as children's toys. In cricket, the police if there are there at all, watch discreetly wearing baby feeders or luminescent jackets. The soccer fans are more likely to get over excited than cricket fans. The police regard it as a duty to be in soccer stadia.

Soccer fans have a habit of brandishing cricket balls fashioned from any material. They then start bowling at the police. The cheering and jeering crowds will be the umpires declaring leg-before-wickets or clean bowled. Only that the police use shields instead of bats. The police are not amused.

Runs are done by both sides without any boundary lines. It is difficult to allocate numbers in that situation. Some catches are rarely done. There are no repeated innings. The police then call cricket balls fashioned by soccer supporters projectiles, stones, rocks and bottles.

In soccer every score is greeted with wild man cries of joy. Or do we call them Big Foot’s screams of joy? In cricket that only happens when a wicket is taken otherwise every batted ball is cheered by the crowd for and against. There are no strange picket lines between supporters of opposing teams in cricket.

They just enjoy the game. Try celebrating with wild yells the opposing team’s score while you are in the wrong arena in soccer.In cricket, one hardly sees the managers. Yet in soccer, they meddle with assistant referees and the referees or match officials.

English soccer managers do support the suit making business. They are always in jacket and ties if not full suits. One of their former managers made bubble gum factories very rich indeed. The others throw water on the surgeon-general warning on smoking. At times the managers get yellow/red cards. Then at times soccer managers are separated from the match officials/referees by swarms of police details wearing motor cycle helmets.

There is a review when playing cricket. There used to be none with soccer. The referees’ decision wrong or right is final. I have seen pitch invasions by soccer fans. I am yet to see this in cricket. Cricket has its funny moments. I saw this batsman making signals that the white board should move a bit.

That was okay. He wanted the team’s dug out moved a metre away too! Besides which, I have never seen cricket players exchanging bats, jerseys and helmets after a match. That is standard with soccer players. Soccer players are limited when violent to use of the soccer balls or their hands as fists. The other variety of sport, hey that bat can have the Indian homicide squad on your tail.

The police reserves reacting to soccer hooligans and inter team or intra team fights appear like US Army Rangers without radio communication caught in the middle of Mogadishu by a hostile mob. Soccer fans have been known to try and rearrange cities, avenues and highways. Cricket is rare except in countries I won’t mention for diplomatic reasons. There the police will need move in with caution.

© Copyright tmagorimbo July 2017