Rising Levels of… 18C

Dinner then a party that did nothing but remind him of what he'd done the night before. The lies he told in the morning to keep his friends from worrying about him or possibly telling someone who could tell his dad. Which meant Tom or Raina. Pushing down the thought every time it popped up, he stayed by Hannah's side. Weirdly and also strangely, it felt like being out at one of his parents' events. Narrowed down to his mother's. All three of them, four even. All around her like little body guards while she introduced them and talked to people she knew. Just like Hannah is now. Him smiling and speaking when spoken to, following Hannah around and hanging in corners, drinking while she mingled. Then, he and Tom would grab glasses of champagne while Peggy threatened to tell on them which just led to them abandoning the glasses or sneaking away to drink while she stayed with her mom or her dad. The memory made him squeeze hard on his cup. Or the times they made fun of all the adults or most, and got their parents in on it by the end. The man who downed glass after glass or the woman who struggled to walk in her heels. Still squeezing his cup, he smirked.

Their date was over. They were back in Sawyer's room by one in the morning. Lying on his bed like always, but this time, waiting for sleep to take him away. They'd shared his pajamas, Hannah wearing the top and him the trousers. Hannah didn't want to have to make the trip to her room and back. They hadn't planned on how long they would stay out.

It was nice how Sawyer went from barely being in the mood to go out to being quite active in it. Hannah loved that he'd made the effort for her. And now, she couldn't help looking at him. His eyes closed, his long lashes just doing their thing which is nothing and his breathing, so calm, lying in his side and facing her. How had Noelle not explained it to him? "You really don't know do you?"

He dragged in a breath. "Know what?"

"What Noelle means when she says what she says."

"No."

"You're so beautiful."

His eyes fluttered open. He chuckled. "What?"

"It's true. Girls never really say it out right to guys. We tell each other. You have no idea how many times I've told my friends how gorgeous you are."

"Okay, gorgeous?" He sat up.

"You are. So is Otto by the way. But you. I thought I saw everything and then you took off your glasses."

"Stop."

"Oh come on. You're mom isn't the only one allowed to tell you how handsome you are. Boys always tell girls how beautiful they are. But girls barely tell guys. I'm telling you now." She sat up and looked him in the eyes. "You're beautiful."

Sawyer laughed and ran his hand through his hair. Yes his mom called him that. Did Raina ever?

"The way you're acting, you clearly don't believe me. But it's true. Not to mention you're not a flirt."

"I'm not?"

"Are you?"

Upon further reflection, "I've- I mean, I've been rejected."

"That's not flirting. But that's probably why you stopped trying right?"

"Trying what?"

"Bottom line is, you're not a flirt. But you're charming." His eyebrows went up. "Yes. You say the sweetest things and you're helpful and you-"

"Why are you saying all this?"

"I'm trying to tell you what Noelle meant. Or did you forget?"

"I did actually."

She shook her head. All her effort. "You don't see what we see. You don't consider it for yourself. And I think the fact that you were rejected put you off to trying to flirt or ask a girl out."

"I asked you out didn't I?"

"You knew I was going to ask you out." True. "And with a face like yours, and all the parties you've been to, you shouldn't have been single for an entire school year."

"Okay, so if what you're saying is true." Which it is, he knows as much. Why would Abby and Peggy's friends like him? And Tom's other exes. His mom calling him handsome, the girls who rejected him before Raina when he was sixteen. It adds up. But, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Stay enlightened, don't be oblivious."

"You want me going around looking for who's looking at me?"

"No!"

Territory marking. He laughed.

"I just wanted you to understand."

"Okay." He nodded. "I do understand. Thank you."

She smiled. "You're welcome."

"I can go to sleep now right?" He didn't sprout wings or grow horns.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes." And plunged the room into darkness.

He was lying down seconds later. And so was she. One thing in all of it stuck with him. His mom calling him handsome, calling him beautiful. He could hear her voice in his head. He smiled small only for a second. When was the last time she called him that? He probably told her not to when she did. He would give anything to hear her say it again. He clenched his jaw. The hole in him grew. More chips of him being carved away. Which made the anger grow as well. The feeling will always be with him. The hole, the emptiness, the pain it came with. Reminding him again of what would be with him forever. With his eyes shut, he reached over and pulled Hannah into his arms, holding her in hopes of the reminder fading away. It didn't work. And that made him more angry.