COUDN'T

I say running my hand through his matted, wavy hair with an obnoxious smile.

Despite his frown I continue to smile, hoping that the future that laid before us wouldn't be so bad.

We spend an hour wrapped in one another's warmth, healing the parts of us that screamed for one another when we weren't close.

He didn't run from my touch so much anymore; once he saw what I was doing he wouldn't jump back in alert. He was gentle too. His fingers traced my skin as if I were a rare treasure and his eyes held mind with overwhelming care.

He was nothing like a beast.

He was nothing like they described him to be, like I thought him to be.

He was curious not feral.

Gentle rather than boorish.

And he wasn't disfigured more so than he was beautifully scared. He wore his marks instead of being marked by them.

He was … so incredibly strong.

"We still haven't found a name for you." I say as I look up at our fingers. We were now laying in the grass, my body resting against his side. My head was tucked into the nape of his neck and my leg swung over his own. "Greg?" I question but as usual he doesn't reply. "Mason?" Silence. "Maybe Thomas?"

My mind suddenly flashes to the black wolf in my dreams and a name drifts alongside it for the first time ever.

I shake my head at the memory and decide on something similar.

"J." I state resting my chin on his chest to see his reaction. Nothing. "Jay or J?" I question and he frowns a little. "How sounds good to me. It'll do for now I think."

I ponder it for a moment before nodding to myself. His eyes meet mine and it's abundantly clear that he has absolutely no clue what I'm talking about, but that was okay. Something tells me if he knew I named him just a singular letter, he wouldn't be so pleased.

"Next time, I'll bring you clothes." I promise. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy his thorough demonstration of naturalism. However it was incredibly distracting to see his handsome body on display, especially with what laid between his legs.

"And maybe we can do something about this hair." I say burrying my fingers in the noted curls.

He doesn't say anything, just leans back and looks to the sky. I found myself talking to myself a lot but that was unavoidable, and it wasn't as though he did it on purpose. At least, I didn't think he did.

He was just confused. Confused I think, of how he managed to be attracted to me and needed the connection we shared. He didn't seem to hate it, but I didn't think he liked it either.

When my watch beeps to life, J immediately pushes me away as he scrambles to put distance between us.

I quickly take off the incessant beeping and look to him apologetically.

"It's okay." I promise, forcing myself not to move too much, knowing it'd probably send him running in the other direction.

It takes a few minutes for him to relax a little, though the guarded expression remains as he sends a death glare to my watch.

I look at the time and release a heavy breath. Our time was up. If I didn't return home soon, my parents would get overly worried and come searching for me.

I let my eyes meet J's. They soften slightly at the look of pure dismay that takes over my features.

"I have to go." I say softly. And though I knew he didn't understand my words, I knew he understood the meaning behind them.

He immediately drew close to me again, scooping me back into his arms and holding on tightly. It wasn't so much of a hug as it was a protective shielding, as if sensing that I'd be taken from him.

"I have to go or it'll just take longer to get back to you." I say into his chest. Grateful for the grip he held me in, I didn't want him to see the pathetic tears that were welling up behind my eyes.

He growls lowly and pulls me in tighter.

"I'll come back." I promise as I push at his chest a little. I try to smile but it was wavy as my lips trembled, my throat itchy.

His eyebrows were crossed, his features tightened with the intent to kill. I rub my thumb into the middle of his eyebrows and he pulls his head back a little making me laugh.

"I promise I'll be back again soon." I whisper palming his cheek. He continues to frown so I lean up quickly to kiss his cheek instead.

The hands which laid on me stiffened, his eyes went as wide as globes, his heartbeat was faster than light and his c*ck hardened slightly beneath me.

I call for Aunt Katty in my head, studying his stunned expression with a smile as I memorize every single inch of his face.

In a moment, I'm zapped back to the kitchen stool I sat in previously and the cold immediately erases my mate's touch. I look to Aunt K, a sympathetic look apparent on her face but I don't bother trying to reassure her.

It was useless. Tears were already streaming down my face and my entire body was already screaming for him.

Though the pain was miniscule now, no longer killing me from the inside out, I still sobbed as I sank to the floor, wrapping myself up in my arms as I yearned for my mate.

Nothing Aunt Katty could do would remove the emptiness I felt when I wasn't with him. The joy that rested within me only moments ago now a distant memeory, leaving only the dark, lonely hole I called a home before.

I find myself being held in arms once more. But they weren't the ones I yearned for. These weren't as strong, not as warm … they weren't his.

"I'm so sorry this is happening to you Feli." Aunt K says but I dont reply. "No one should have to go through this."

I just sob harder into her chest. My body lurched forward as I cursed the world and all in it for keeping us apart.

"Maybe you should tell your parents." She suggests gently but I shake my head feebly.

"T-They hate rogues." I spoke out between sobs. "They'll hate him a-and then, they'll hate me."

She doesn't say anything else after that. She just holds me tightly, rocking me gently in her grasp.

A few minutes pass before she begins singing, her voice smooth and calming. The words in another language but caressing to the soul as she swayed us back and forth.

I close my eyes and let myself be immersed into the melody, clinging to the memories and the feel of my mate as I dreamt of a reality where we'd be together always.

A reality where we were happy.

***

When I return home, my mood is significantly shittier than what it was when I left.

Images of my mate now plagued my mind; expressions and touches I didn't know before and now knew all too well.

The pain was greater, despite Aunt Katty's attempts at diluting it.

"Hey, I just finished dinner." Julian says making my eyes raise to meet his. I was on the path to my room where he'd managed to catch me.

"I'm not hungry." I reply, scraping the pit of my stomach for a smile of some sort, but coming up empty.

"You still have to eat." He insists, but I just keep walking. "Feli." He calls, but I just keep walking.

I couldn't today. Today I just couldn't.

I couldn't be the perfect daughter.

I couldn't just smile and shove everything down.

I couldn't pretend. Not today.

Not when all I wanted was to return to my mate, not the cold of my sheets which now cradled my body.

It didn't help that Caspar was avoiding me. Well not just me, he was avoiding everyone, but it went without saying that it hurt me the most.

He seemed to blame himself for what happened to me, but he should be looking at it in a positive light not a negative. If we weren't separated, I'd have never met J.

But I couldn't even tell him that- he didn't even know about my mate. I hadn't seen him once since I'd woken up in the healing centre and could only assume his thought process since he didn't answer my calls.

So I was all alone. Truly alone.

And for once in my life, I couldn't deny that it hurt to be alone.