Chapter 18

AJ

What I saw when we made eye contact…felt like it was never mine to see or know. They were her personal memories, her personal pain. And even though I couldn't have controlled what I saw, I can't help but hate myself for intruding. Her entire life just opened up in front of me like a book: I saw her, a baby, being placed under intensive care. I saw her distressed parents crying over the fact of their child whose chance of life was one in a million. I saw the injections that cost her parents a lot of money even though it barely left a dent in their overall savings. Everything flash forwarded, a young Amora. 5 at most, the beginnings of cat ears starting to peek through her hair. She was playing, her parents overjoyed at seeing their little baby girl, healthy and playful like a kitten. Her parents were so in love. But then, Amora's 8th birthday. Her smiling father giving her an expensive diamond encrusted bracelet…the one I found on my bike. Amora morphing into a creature unlike any other I've ever encountered. Her father, alone in the room with her when she turned vicious. What she did next…. Amora, standing in front of a coffin in a graveyard. Her mother crying, bawling, vowing to never love again. Not even her daughter who needed her more than ever. The injections started again age 9, surgeries began, age 11. From a doctor who seemed less than trustworthy. Amora's mother glaring at her from across the table. Thinking Amora didn't notice. Amora, now 14. Standing at a gravestone engraved with the words. 'Beloved father, friend, and husband. Remembered by all whom he crossed paths.' She's crying. Blubbering and murmuring to the gravestone. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Everything always is." Amora, present age, 16. Looking at…me. Feeling awe and confusion. Not wanting to look away from my eyes but forcing herself to, because she thinks it's impolite due to the way her mother raised her. Her mother… arranging a marriage for her daughter out of no reason but spite.. Just thinking about what I saw makes my stomach churn. Not because I think she's a monster. But because she feels like she deserves all of the pain her mother is putting her through. Feeling she deserves even less than what she has. I let out a breath and rub my face.

"I need to get some sleep."

I say to the damp, cold air that's beginning to nip at my fingertips. I shiver, I really should've brought a stupid jacket. My clothes are soaked, I'm stained from head to toe with spray paint. My hair is soggy and in my eyes. And now, I can't stop thinking about Amora. Who I never even noticed existed until earlier this afternoon, when I felt that strange tug to her. As if there was a rope keeping us connected and when we touched; the buzzing feeling that crept into my veins. I haven't even thought about Raven all night. And I can't help but wonder if my physical attraction to Raven was just a mask so I could get closer to my magnetizing fascination to Amora. I pull out my phone and look at the time. 4:30AM. Jesus, I need to get home. Millie had to have woken up by now. I rush over to my motorcycle and ride down the slick streets leading back to my house.

When I get home, I park my bike behind the house and come around to see a sleepy-eyed Jason sitting on the front steps.

"Jason? What are you doing up? I told you to go to bed, do you have any idea what time it is. Or how dangerous it is for you to be out here right now?" my voice, an angry whisper trying not to alarm the neighbors. He jumps up from the step.

"I know I know! And I did sleep. But I woke up and heard Millie crying so I went in to check on her. I got her to go back to sleep but I wanted to apologize to you for not being in bed when I was supposed to because I didn't want you to be angry at me. And then I realized you weren't here, so I decided to wait for you outside. I swear I thought you'd be back in just a minute. I promise. Please don't be mad."

He looks at me with fear in his eyes and cringes slightly when I take a step towards him.

"Jason?" I say quietly "Why do you look so scared?"

I sit down on the step and wait for him to sit back down and answer me.

"I just, really don't want you to be mad."

A confused look rests on my face "What do you think I'm gonna do? Hit you?" He looks away from me, ashamed. He shrugs,

"Dad hits you. And remember when you taught me about the saying 'the apple doesn't fall from the tree' because I didn't really understand it? I know you weren't talking about our family but, I kind of assume it applies. Plus, you get really scary when you yell. I know you've never yelled at me or Millie, but you yell at mom and dad a lot and it gets loud. Like, really loud."

When he looks back at me I can see his eyes glossed over at the many memories of my yelling. Saying things as bad or even worse than what my father says to me. With them sitting right there in the kitchen. I'm such an idiot, I should know better than to show that part of myself around them. The part of me so teeming with hatred I can't keep it under control once it's unleashed.

"Jason, I'm so sorry. I should never have yelled like that, especially not in front of you and Millie. I know that's scary, it even scares me sometimes. But I would never. Never hit you or her, I would never scream at you two like I do with mom and dad. My only purpose in this world is to protect you guys. And when I feel like mom and dad are treating either one of you wrong or even unfair. Even if they say something to you I don't like. I just get…really over protective. But I would never hurt you two. You're my entire life. Okay? I love you annoying kids."

He smiles, tears in his eyes "We love you too AJ." I wrap him in a hug and kiss the top of his head.

"And I could never be mad at you." He nods, and I feel tears pour through the fabric of my shirt for the second time today. I feel awful, I never should have left them here alone. I should have known better. And I never should have yelled. I can't take any of it back. I'm already a screw up, a jerk, a womanizer, a douche, a basket case, and a waste of life. Why not add idiot to the list?

"C'mon," I say to Jason "You and I both need to get some sleep."

I help him up and into the house as he yawns. I ruffle his hair and send him back into his room. I peek my head into Millie's room. I should have been here for her tonight. I knew she was going to wake up crying. She's been having terrible nightmares and I was selfish enough to leave the house to meet with a couple of girls? One, of course, I have this insane telepathic connection to. But still, I never would have found that out if I had just stayed here. Then I would have one less situation to worry about. I already had my father's abuse, my mother's neglect, Millie's nightmares, and Jason's videogame habits along with my medication I need to fill and a doctor's appointment to increase my med dosage. But now tonight, I added a make-out session with my best friend who I may or may not be in love with (I still can't tell). Who also might have lost his virginity to a maniac. Yet another crime that can get me sent to juvey (again.) And a newfound telepathic connection with a girl I just met. All because I couldn't stay home and watch over my baby sister. I walk into my room and change out of my wet clothes into some warm, dry ones. I lay down in my bed and bury my head in a pillow. I am so done, what else am I going to add in the next 24 hours? Murder? Maybe I should end it all now, before I add something else to that growing list of issues that have been trailing me or will be, for a very, very long time. It would all be so much easier if I didn't have to think about all of these problems anymore. And I know if I died, Ren would take care of Jason and Millie in a heartbeat and do so much more for them then I'd ever be able to.

They'd be better off with him. They'd have a good life if Ren was taking care of them, not this one where we don't have money. Most the time we don't even have money to buy them food because my mom's always using it for alcohol. I've resorted to shop lifting for food more times than I can keep track of. It's gotten to a point where my morals don't even interfere. I don't have morals; at first, I did what I had to in order to keep them safe and alive. But it soon morphed into doing whatever I felt like doing and wondering if I could get away with it. I shove my face farther into the pillow, cutting off my air supply. My chest begins to hurt soon after words and my head begins to pound. I cut off my air until I am about to pass out and I break away with tears in my eyes. I want to scream, but I'm worried it will wake them up. I should just kill myself already, they don't know it yet but everyone I've ever encountered will be so much better off once I'm gone. I grab my meds off of my nightstand and open them. I pour some into the palm of my hand and stare at them. The small white pills that are supposedly created to make me better. But I don't feel any better. I'm still worthless, I'm still suicidal, and I still mess up every good thing in my life. I want it all to end. To stop. And if heaven and hell do truly exist, and I go down. Then an eternity of pain isn't much worse than it is up here. I'm just about to take the handful when a knock sounds at my bedroom door. It starts to open

"AJ?" Ren says, I jump to put the pills back in the bottle, my fast reaction ends up making half of them fall on the floor

"You were not answering your front door so I…"

he sees the open pill bottle and me scrambling to pick them up off of the floor

"What are you doing?" he says softly, testing me. He knows exactly what I was doing, he always knows. It's how he always saves me. That doesn't keep from trying though, nor does it keep me from trying to lie to him

"Nothing. I was just uh. Well I forgot to take my meds today, so I was taking them now and I dropped the bottle sooo."

I stop, just looking at him lets me know he's not buying a word of what I'm saying.

"Give me those."

He gestures to the pill bottle in my hand. Reluctantly, I hand them to him,

"And those."

He points at the ones still on the floor. I pick them up and place them in his hand, he puts them back in the bottle, puts the cap on, and shoves them in his jacket pocket.

"Now, it is obvious you need a higher dosage but for now, I will regulate your consumption. Everyday I will come over to your house and give the correct number of pills to you. Also, knowing your pick-pocketing abilities I will bring only the correct dosage not the actual pill bottle. Are we at an understanding?"

I sigh "Yeah, it's the same thing you did freshman year, and all throughout middle school, and 6th grade. I'm pretty sure I know the drill."

He nods "I am worried about you AJ. You've just very recently gotten back your privilege to take care of your own consumption and you've already abused that privilege."

I roll my eyes "Dear god, not this speech again. I've heard it, genius."

"Yes, I know," he spits back "But obviously you are not listening when I give it therefore I will tell you over and over again until you can prove that you truly understand why I feel the need to speak to you about this every goddamn time."

I sit down on my bed and look up at his tall, sleek form.

"You're not my mother Ren." He sighs,

"I know AJ your mother is passed out on the couch."

His tone of voice is venomous, and I know he's more outraged than he's letting show. His face remains as placid as ever. When he gets like this it's better if I keep my mouth shut. Times like these are considered 'tread carefully' sort of moments otherwise he might have a meltdown. His meltdowns normally consist of fits of rage soon turned into deep sorrow, transforming into confusion, which brings on manic episodes that he tries so carefully to avoid. They're dangerous to him and to anyone who surrounds him. which as of right now, include Jason and Millie, and me too but I hardly care what happens to me at this point.

"Sorry man." I say to him "I'm just…well. The usual I guess. Do you want to sit down?"

I see his jaw clenching and a glimmer of anger in his eyes, but the rest of his features remain calm. He slowly lowers himself onto my bed. He lets out a sigh, he seems to be calming down. He looks at me with his alarming golden eyes and I see a faint sparkle of sorrow. For me?

"I am only wanting to protect you AJ. From yourself and anyone else who attempts to harm you. You do understand that…do you not?"

I nod "No, I get it. It just gets hard for me to…keep going. You know?" a nod so subtle I almost didn't see it. That sorrow in his eyes is not for me. On the surface Ren is all placid features, weird facts, and overly detailed explanations. But underneath all of what appears to be calm is a tornado of confusion. He never understands his emotions. He struggles with it constantly but that's not something he'll even admit to himself.

"I understand. But that should not mean you stop trying. If you stop every time something gets hard you will never achieve anything. Not even love."

Ren says it more to himself rather than to me. His eyes are glossed over. Though he's trying to seem engaged in the conversation. Which only proves that he's not. I think about what Amora said, about him loving me. I never thought it was true, only something that seemed true. I could never tell if it seemed true because it was or because I wanted it to be true, but what if he is? And, if I knew, would I feel the same about him? I never thought of it as love before tonight. I didn't believe Ren was capable of such a deep emotion like love.

"Ren," I begin calmly as I lock my eyes with his "If you have to try and love someone. It's probably not real. Only something you want to believe but not something that really…is."

He closes his eyes, as if I completely missed his point "I am aware that you should not try and love someone. I am more referring to trying to maintain that love without it burning out. Most of the time people compare passion or love to fire which is much more accurate than realized. Because when you think about a flame, it flickers, in and out of it's beauty but that only makes it all the more beautiful. But love, like any dancing flame, burns out. Unless it is fanned, continuously and you will never achieve love if you stop fanning the flame. Do you understand?"

I nod. he can understand love, but can he understand it?

"Do you remember when you said you loved me?" I ask him.

"Yes. You were on top of a building and I wanted to get you down. But not in the way you planned to get down." He looks at me with confusion, he thinks that I couldn't remember it, and that's why I asked.

"Yeah I know but…was that the only reason you said it? Because you wanted me to get down?"

He looks away from me briefly but soon returns to my gaze as if his never faltered.

"I do not believe so. I am not entirely sure."

"Exactly." He gives me an even more confused look "You're right, about having to fan the flame of love in order for it to remain, but you really have no clue how far that emotion reaches. You only have the definitions, but you can't actually feel it. At least you don't know if it is love when and if you do feel it. So really, you don't know how to achieve love, even with all your definitions and plain logic. You asked me if I understand it. But do you?"

I see his mind working behind his eyes, like gears turning and searching. Looking for an answer that consists of factual evidence.

"I suppose I do not truly understand love. I can only think I feel it, but I have no certainty. I guess it is rather difficult for me to wrap my factual mind around emotions."

I smile at him "Now you're getting it." Ren's eyes dart from side to side so fast they almost blur. He just now realized what I was doing.

"This conversation was not originally about me AJ. It was about you, you cannot just stop trying when things get hard and I wanted you to listen and you knew that so why would you turn the conversation around on me?"

I sigh and look at him "because, Ren, I don't want to talk about it. I know I can't just stop trying but that doesn't keep me from wanting to. I have been trying to get out of this hard spot for years and it only seems to be getting worse. There's no other way out for me."

He shoots up from his seat. "Yes, there is. You can do something with your life, you're smart enough. Go to college, get a job, adopt Jason and Millie. I can get you a fake ID and then you can take them anywhere. You can get them away from this unholy, sinister house. AJ. You can achieve anything you want if you set your mind to it. You just have to believe you deserve it."

"But I don't" I cut him off mid-rant "I don't feel like I deserve that. I can't. I literally cannot convince myself that I deserve anything. I've tried. In fact, that's all I've done for years, is try, try, try. I don't get anywhere! It's useless."

He sits back down on my bed and brings one hand up to cup my cheek. "I am trying to help you AJ."

"I know." I give him a pathetic effort at a smile as I bring up my hand and grab his wrist. "That's all you ever do. Try to help me. But that never works either, only temporarily."

His face remains composed and collected but I see tears glimmering in his brilliant eyes "AJ" he breathes. Seeing him like this makes me wish I could stop being so afraid. I just want to hold him. I gently touch his hair. So soft…. "Maybe this world just isn't for me Ren." the sadness in his eyes deepens "That's not true." I shrug

"It doesn't matter if it's true or not, I'm not going anywhere as long as you're around. You're making sure of that."