CHAPTER 11

The past that she wants to forget.

[trigger warnings: humiliation]

I couldn’t do anything since he had already taken me with him. I’m not even used to many people around me. Some people would really freak out if they actually find out that I was a fujoshi that’s why I really don’t know what will I do if I ever get busted by other people too. If I would get some lunch, I would rather eat with a few people or I would probably just go with Harumi and my other friends so that I can hide from other people. But I just couldn’t help it, you know. Especially when I see handsome men! I can’t help but fantasize about them because I’m a fujioshi. Especially to that two interns that I know here in the company. I touched my cheeks for a while and I started drooling.

“You’re level in craziness never fails to amaze me,” Chang Heng told me and he hissed at me. Tch, just where did he appear from?

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at him and I glared at him. Does he have some attitude again? What was that huh? He would ask me out but he would just tease me like this and he would act cold now, is he? Honestly, I can’t believe this man. I don’t know what I should do with him. “Did you just invite me here to act cold---fine I’ll eat!” I couldn’t even finish what I was supposed to do and he glared at me. He’s just hard to understand, isn’t he? Sometimes, he’s actually nice but sometimes he is way too mean to me. I can’t just understand him!

I noticed that there’s a lot of food at our table already. He just ordered some Soupe à l'oignon, Coq au vin, Cassoulet and Boeuf bourguignon..Wait, isn’t this too much..but as much as I want to go on a diet the aroma is tempting me. I eat a lot and that’s the fact. It’s one of my insecurities. That’s why I become so shy when there’s a lot of men around me when I’m eating. Because even way before I was being called a “binge-eater,” since I was in high school. My cheeks were quite rounded, you see. And I just hate that they got some comments when it comes to my body. I love eating but I can’t enjoy that whenever someone has to tell some nasty things about me.

“Uhh..”

“Isn’t that enough? You can tell me right away,” Chang Heng said and he called the waiter but I completely stop him and held his hand, “This was already okay. Seriously, is this all mine?”

“Yes, it is. I asked Oliver about it. I heard that you’re quite a big eater yourself so I did order a lot of food intentionally.” He told me and I twirl the tip of my hair and I just sighed, “Aren’t you being shy? For someone weirder like me, you’d do these things for me? That the fact that I was a girl but Igot a big appetite. And I got a weird hobby..”

This was the same question that I did to Harumi and Oliver and they said that they mind from who I was. That we’re just the same. Because they got the same interest as mine. We’re both otakus so I shouldn’t hide those things that I enjoy and who I was. And they wouldn’t disregard me even if they got a friend who got a big appetite. We were good friends..and Yuuto was with us at that time. We were so close to one another. But our friendship was ruined since I dated him because he never listen to me not even once. He was just good at disregarding my feelings. I regret dating that jerk.

I shouldn’t be thinking about these things but I couldn’t help it. After a few more seconds I was surprised by the guy who just arrived and he suddenly glared at us.” I just gripped on my fork and I couldn’t think straight on my position right now. My hands were trembling a lot and he got closer to Chang Heng and he tapped his shoulders, “You know what dude, I suggest that you should just choose another girl. Not a girl like that. Your choice man. Your wallet will be just empty if you dated her.”

“Do I look like I need your opinion?” Chang Heng asked sarcastically and he just slapped his hand away and he glared at him.

Looks like Yuuto was irritated by it. What was his problem anyway? He should just think about his Architectural Board Exams, whatever happened between us, it was over. I was too young at that time, that’s why I got impulsive and I dated him. At first, yes...I was so madly in love with him. Because I thought that he will be proud of me as his girlfriend. But the moment that he knew about my weird personality, he just disregard my feelings. He said he could never date someone like me. Because I’m a fujioshi and I got a big appetite.

Why did he decide to show up now, anyway? I don’t even need his opinion. Didn’t he even know anything but to degrade my dignity now, huh? Is that how rotten his personality is? He’s irritating. I was so stupid to love someone like him because from what I can see, it just shows how bastard that he can be.

He just chuckled and then he got closer and he pointed at me, “You’re gonna waste your time in that kind of woman? Really? In that kind of girl who got a big appetite and ugly?” I just couldn’t look at him at all. I know that he’s just saying the truth. I’m not like other girls who love makeup and fashion, I know that my interest would be probably be something that normal girls won’t do. It’s not news that I hear these things from him anyways.

I just can’t bring myself to look at him. Our break-up didn’t go well. That’s why I couldn’t face him. Just why the hell is this happening? If only I didn’t let my emotions then our friendship wouldn’t be at risk. As much as I don’t want to think about it but I couldn’t help myself to think about this.Even if Harumi and Oliver told me that it wasn’t my fault. That the real person who ruined our friendship was none other than Yuuto.

But...

I can’t just help but to think that it was just a pity. We are happy before. When we started dating after our graduation when we’re just senior high, we’re okay back then. I just became, even more, busier when I started being a graphic designer student but I never forgot about him. I don’t know who I was anymore...I was so hurting but I still love him. Even if I was so tired to complete my portfolio designs that were needed for my logo, in brochure, billboard designs, packaging designs, and website designs, and even my sketches in my storyboard and my characters that were drawn in my manuscript in BL, it was only him that I couldn’t think of. Even if I was so tired to complete the tones, background, designs, outlines, dialogue, and storyboards, it was him that I was always been thinking of. Maybe it was better that I shouldn’t just let him know that I was a BL Comic Artist then? Am I the one who ruined everything?

But it was my dream. I thought that he was the one who should believe that I can do this. It was my dream but he just never listened to me. That he just threw me aside. My father didn’t want me to pursue arts either and I was so hurt at that time but where is he? The way that he just pushed me away and cheated with my best friend...or so I thought. I was still hurting until now.

“You’re testing my patience buddy!” Chang Heng shouted and he got closer to his chair and he punched Yuuto, “So what huh? Yes, I know that she can be crazy because she’s a fujioshi and she’s a girl who eats a lot just like you told me. And the fact that she’s just a simple and plain girl. Then, so what? Should she ask your opinion about what should fit her then? Why would she do that? What’s wrong with doing the things that will make her happy huh? Now I can see why she broke up with a bastard like you.”

“She’s not that perfect. It’s quite amusing that you managed to fall in love with someone like her. Are you’re gonna waste your time with Satsuki? Dude, she’s not that pretty. She’s different from the girls that I know. She’s a nerd, she eats a lot and she’s obsessed with BL, so tell me are you just gonna waste your time with her?! I even regret that I love her. Now that I know her true colors--”

I can’t believe how much he disregard me like this so I just grabbed my bag and I just slammed it in his face. He almost cried because of how hurt that hit was. I should be the one who should be crying here! I bit my lip and I can’t stop myself from crying because of how he insulted me from how he described me. As if I’m not even here. I gripped on my fist and I got closer to him and gripped on his shirt and I hit him on the table, “Go on, say what you wanna say. I understand now. This is how you see me. All of you..all of you didn’t do anything but to disregard my feelings! That for you I’m just nothing but a bad luck and I’m not good enough, am I?! What did I even do to you? What did I even do to all of you for you to messed me up like this! What’s even wrong from being ugly huh?! Is it my fault that I just want to live normally like the others huh?! I just wanted to appreciated by people and do the things to make me happy so what’s wrong with that!” I shouted at him and I bit my lip and I cried.

I know that I’m not that kind of perfect girl that he was looking for! So why should I suffer like this! I grabbed my bag and I decided to exit the restaurant because of that embarrassment. I was trembling so hard and I couldn’t do anything but to hug myself and I cried loudly outside. Maybe no someone could ever love me. Maybe I was born differently. That’s why it was so easy to them to disregard my feelings like this. I never deserve all of this. I didn’t even ask for his opinion. I am just doing the things that will make me happy. This is why I never wanted to date a 3D. A real person will just hurt me in the end.

But when I got obsessed in anime or manga my life is easy. I got my world even if I’m alone. Maybe anime characters are not real but the happiness that they gave me they’re the one who can make me feel that I was free. I know that this was just a temporary happiness but when I watch anime or read manga and I fall in love with fictional characters at least I can forget the problems that I got in the real world. Maybe that was the reason why I’m a Fictiophilia.

Yes, I’m inlove with a fictional characters, in an anime character.

I wiped my tears and then I was surprised that someone just drag me. I move my head and I just saw Chang Heng. He was sweating a lot and it looks like he was rushing to go in here. Is it me? N—No! How can he be worried? It’s not like we’re a couple. I know that it was just an agreement and that’s it.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, damn it!” He shouted at me and I shook my head and I sighed, “You shouldn’t be worried at me.” I said to him. I don’t want him to think about that I have a crush on him or something. No one will like me anyways.

“Satsuki, I’m not like your bastard ex. I don’t mind you showing those weird side of yours..” He said to me and he just scratched his head and he started getting flushed out of the sudden so I bit my lip and I can’t help but to blush to him as well. Why is he suddenly doing these things to me? This guy! I can’t tell if he was being a good guy or what! Damn him and his sweet words. He should be thankful enough to me because I got a crush on him with just 5% you know! Just a litle bit though, I still remember how he was treating me like his slave in the office though.

I just suddenly pointed myself and I sniffed a bit, “But I eat a lot?” I asked.

“I don’t mind it at all. So don't be worried about showing your real side on me. I'll try to understand you.." Chang Heng said and he started walking closer to us and pointed myself again, “I’m a fujioshi too. I can fantasize you with—” I touched my cheeks and I couldn’t stop fangirling myself here and I started fantasizing him with Robert and I stomp the ground hard.

Damn it, when it comes to him..

My side as a fujioshi was gradually coming. We’ve been so close to each other but why does when it comes to him I can be very different. He suddenly looked so irritated and I gulped. Ugh, he’s like that again. He was being cold to me again.

“That’s why I told you that I’ll try to understand you. And I already know a lot of things to you, why should you act so shy towards me now? Guilty on what you did to me missy? May I just remind you that you just used me as your character in the BL story that you’ve working on. Anyways just show who you are. And even if you’re a girl who had the weirdest personalities, I don’t mind hanging out with you. And I like seeing you blush when you read those BL Comics that you got. Even in front of me Satsuki, don’t be shy. Let me see your sides even more.”

I couldn’t help but smile at what he said and I got closer to him and I hugged him tightly. He assures me of everything. And I’m just happy that he’s here with me and the fact that he accepted me for who I was. Maybe it’s not that late, isn’t it? Even a fujioshi like me, is it possible for me to fall in love with a normal man?