Chapter 6

*** Cynthia GUEU ***

I haven't heard from Ryan for two weeks. I haven't seen him once and I haven't even heard his voice. I dare not ask Maya after him. To tell the truth, I refuse to admit that I miss him. I miss everything about him. His voice, his caresses, his lips, his kisses and his little him. I can't stand this distance between us anymore and I can't stand not seeing him anymore. How many times I restrained myself from calling him, from going to see him at work, pretending to have gone to see Maya. How many times have I restrained myself from going to his house to tell him that I need his warmth. I think I'm falling in love with him. But this fear of a new disappointment paralyzes me. I want to try again but at the same time I fear the worst. I go to Maya's room and pretend to ask her something hoping that she will give me an errand from Ryan that she probably forgot. She is getting ready for work.

Me: Maya, haven't you seen my eyeliner?

Maya: No I have mine.

Me: Ok. Say, will you have a break today so we can have lunch together?

Maya (smiling): Why don't you go see him at his office instead of using me as an excuse.

Me: I don't know what you're talking about.

Maya: Yes it is. Come sit here.

We both sit on his bed to talk better.

Maya: What's the problem?

Me: I miss him.

Maya: And?

Me: I still don't know if it's a good idea to give us a chance.

Maya: You see all of life is a risk. We can do something today that will fail and do it again tomorrow to have a better result this time and vice versa. Just because you failed yesterday doesn't mean you can't try again. You love him and he does too so give it a try to see and if it doesn't work at least you've tried.

Me: Do you think he loves me from the bottom of his heart?

Maya: Ask him the question but knowing him I can say that he still feels a little something for you.

Me: Ok I'll think about it but I'll still pick you up at noon to eat.

Maya: It's understood my beautiful. Alright I'm off. Fancy something special for dinner tonight?

Me: Not really.

Maya (standing up): Ok, I'm the one on the program and I don't really know what to cook. But hey, I'll find it. See you my beautiful.

She blows me a kiss and leaves. I'm also going to get ready to go to the box.

I go straight to Maya's office, who I'm sure is still deep in her files. This girl always forgets the break hour so passionate about her work. It's me every time who comes to pull her out of her office. On my way to his office I meet Ryan who is heading towards his. He pretends not to have seen me and when I greet him, he barely answers me. I feel a pang in my heart but I say nothing. When I arrive in front of Maya's office I turn around to go to Ryan's. I knock once and go inside after he lets me. He raises his head and when he sees me, he starts writing again. This guy is getting too much of an effect on me and I can't take it any longer.

Me: Hi Ryan.

Ryan: I thought we had already said hello?

Me: What you did is not called greeting. You completely ignored me Ryan. Is that now?

Ryan: What can I do for you? Maya's office is on the other side. Go ahead.

Me: Ryan why are you doing this to me?

Ryan: What am I doing to you?

Me: Why are you ignoring me? Just because we're not sleeping together doesn't mean we shouldn't be friends anymore.

He gets up elegantly from his seat and comes to stand in front of me.

Ryan: One thing you need to know about men is that we don't agree to be friends with the woman we love. Either we go out or nothing but no friendship. We do not accept the friendzone. Excuse me, I have things to do.

He leaves leaving me there speechless. I hate that he ignores me like that. But at the same time hearing him tell me that he loves me makes me happy. It's been a long time since anyone told me, honestly. I'm going back to do what I came here for, which is to have lunch with Maya before going to work at the club. The rest of my day at work I was in a daze. I can't stand his absence anymore, I miss him, not miss him sexually but miss him personally. Ok that's enough. I can't last another day without him. I finish the last storage in the box, I change and I take the first taxi I see, direction to Ryan. During the trip I rehearse my speech in my head to be sure that it will convince him. Maya is right I have to take risks in my life otherwise I will never do anything. My heart starts pounding when I arrive at his door. As soon as I tap it opens. He didn't surprise her to see me. Either he knew I was coming or he really doesn't care.

Me: Can I come in?

Ryan: We're not sleeping together.

Me: I didn't come for that.

He clears the way for me to enter. It's weird but I missed this house a lot in just two days. I can still see us making love all over this living room. He offers me a drink but I decline his offer because I'm in too much of a hurry to get to the heart of the matter.

Ryan (once seated): Yes I'm listening.

Me: I'm ready.

Ryan: To?

Me: Try…with you. I agree to go out with you.

Ryan: What made you change your mind?

Me (pulling my fingers): I love you too.

He arches his eyebrows in surprise. We remain silent staring at each other without either of us being able to say anything.

Me: Say something.

Ryan: Okay.

Me: okay? Is that all you have to say Ryan?

Ryan: Yes.

Me: Ok. I think I made a mistake to come and declare my feelings to you. Good evening to you.

I get up to leave all disappointed and angry but before I get to the door he turns me around grabbing my waist and grabbing my lips as he slams me against the wall. Damn how I missed her lips.

Me (between his lips): What are you playing?

Ryan: I was punishing you but now I want you too much.

Me: You said we weren't going to sleep together.

Ryan: When I told you, we weren't together yet, but it's official.

Me (opening his jeans): I missed you too much.

Ryan: You too my dear.

I find myself naked in the second that follows so our actions are fast. As soon as I receive it in me I am over the moon. It's on his sofa that we make love, let's say the first round for now.

*** Maya AMESSAN ***

Sitting on my bed, I blacken the pages of my diary with all that I feel in my heart. I always have a lot of stuff to tell because in fact I don't want to talk about it to others, in this case my girlfriends. I tell myself that they also have their problems to solve and their lives to manage, so I don't have to add to them. It's true that we tell each other things, our dreams, our desires and everything, but I keep the deepest things. I keep them to myself. But usually Olivia guesses them and I admit it. I love my girlfriends, one as much as the other and I'm happy to have them in my life. I first knew Cynthia in college and even lived in her home with her mother who was my mother's best friend from school. My mother followed her new husband to Ghana when he was posted there for work. I couldn't follow them because it was in the middle of the year. So I was living in a city until one day, having gone to visit Cynthia at her house, her mother recognized me because of my resemblance to my mother and she offered me to come and live with her. It was her way of reminiscing about her friendship with my mother, with whom she went through college and university before they lost sight of each other. At the end of the year, I no longer wanted to go to Senegal because I was comfortable here. She therefore sent money to Cynthia's mother as a contribution to the needs of the house. After we met Olivia and then when the story with Cynthia's boyfriend broke and her mother chased him away, she and I decided to live together in a roommate. Olivia also wanted to join us and with our small salaries that we earned in the jobs we did between classes, we were able to support ourselves. Today, despite the fact that we earn a good living, we do not want to separate. We'll only do it when we're each married.

Of the three of us, Cynthia is the most distracted and airheaded, but she is still a lovely person. Olivia is the hot-blooded and very direct one. You put yourself in her way she puts you in your place but she is also adorable. I am the most reserved. So reserved that I never had the courage to tell the man I loved how I felt about him.

Olivia (entering): Have you heard from Cynthia?

Me (hiding my diary): We knock before going home.

Olivia: I already know everything that's written in that diary. Only Cynthia ignores them.

Me: I haven't heard from her. Maybe she had something unexpected at work. It happens to him often.

Olivia: She can still call so we can cook ourselves.

Me (getting up): You know how she is.

Olivia: And you should stop cajoling her. She's the big sister.

Me: Come on, let me cook for us.

Olivia: We can order food downstairs. It's been a long time I haven't eaten their braised chicken there.

Me (smiling): We had to start there.

Our order delivered, we taste in front of the head our well braised chicken as we like it. There are men who know how to braise chicken better than women, and this is the case with this guy who is just downstairs from our building. We hear the sound of the lock and we see Cynthia appear all smiles.

Cynthia: Good evening girls.

Olivia: Are you coming in now? Cynthia why every time you are on the program you do anything?

Me: Olivia, she must have a reason.

Olivia: If she was able to be there, she could at least let us know she was late. But didon.

Cynthia (smiling): I'm sorry girls. It's just that Ryan and I made up.

Me: How so?

Cynthia: Well we're dating. I decided to go for it like you told me and we are together now. He told me he was in love with me.

Olivia looks at me while I try to smooth my mouth to be happy for my friend. I get there and with the biggest of smiles congratulate her.

Me: Finally you decided to engage in a serious relationship.

Cynthia: Yes and it's thanks to you. Olivia don't you congratulate me?

Olivia: No. I'm angry against you.

Cynthia bursts out laughing and hugs Olivia to cheer her up. She then tells us that she just came to get some stuff because she is going to spend the night with Ryan who is waiting for her downstairs. It does not take long to leave, stealing a piece of chicken from us. Silence reigns in the room. Olivia looks at me but I completely ignore her as I clear the table.

Olivia: Why did you encourage him if it was to make that face?

Me: I don't know what you're talking about.

I take the plates and go to the kitchen where I start washing them.

Olivia: Why did you encourage her Maya?

Me: Because he wanted to be with her.

Olivia: But you love him.

Me: Yes and he loves her. You heard Cynthia, he told her he was in love with her.

Olivia: You should have said from the start that you were in love with Ryan.

Me: I remind you that the first day that Ryan came to work at the box, it was the same day that Cynthia put the hook on him. Also, I remind you that I have never stopped talking to you about the only and great love that I have known in all my life, although there has never been anything between him and me. I sang her name in your ears I don't know how many times so it's not my fault that Cynthia can't remember.

Olivia: Yes and you know how she is. She even forgets our birthdays every time. One of us always has to remind him. There are only her own things that she never forgets, especially when it comes to men. So you should have reminded her about Ryan to stop her. She already took Denis from you.

Maya: I wasn't dating him.

Olivia: But basically, it was you he wanted and you also wanted to try with him but she begged you to leave it to him because he was too ''horny'' according to her and you Madam I am the Nicest on Earth you gave in to please him. This was also the case with Bob. This time you should have told him the truth about your feelings for Ryan.

Me (facing him): I didn't have the courage. Cynthia saw him, she fell in love with him and I didn't have the strength to tell her that since adolescence I've been in love with Ryan. Afterwards, I told myself that once they had slept together, she would no longer want to hang out with him as she did with the others, but the events are linked and today they are going out together. So in summary I lost him permanently because even if they break up I can't put myself with him. It's not okay to date your best friend's ex. Look at me Oli, I'm the complete opposite of Cynthia. All I know how to do is work. I've always been a nerd. Ryan has always dated girls like Cynthia so there's no way he'd be interested in a stuck up girl like me. Cynthia is a bombshell and she's sure of herself, but I'm not sure. I don't have any of that. I don't have anything interesting that could appeal to a man like Ryan. He loves Cynthia, Cynthia loves him, they're dating, that's all. Now excuse me, I have a report to finish for work tomorrow.

Olivia: That's what I was saying. Always obsessing over work. Tchrrrr.

I'm going to lock myself in my room to ruminate on my grief alone and it's since high school that I've been chaining grief on grief with Ryan. Since high school I can bear to see him fall in love with other girls. This time I don't know if I can bear it. I don't know if I will be able to hold on seeing falling in love with my best friend with whom I live.