[6] Predictable

Giya did not like being unprepared.

If she couldn't prepare her surroundings, she would prepare herself.

She learned from mistakes. She got better everyday.

In every way but this.

On the bus to work, every weekday without fail, she scrolled up the messages she shared with Sho, stopping around the last week of July.

_______________________________________________

Since that day in April, he had stopped visiting, and their chats together got shorter and shorter. Giya would greet him every morning and wish him a good day. He would reply in a similar fashion.

Since then, Giya got a gauge of what influence Sho's ex-girlfriend had on him. It was quite significant.

She had her hypotheses, and they were tested one Monday evening.

Sho:

> Hey love, can we talk for a little while?

Giya:

> Gladly, my love.

Sho:

> I'm sure we're both aware that we're not talking as often as before

> I've been feeling the need to distance myself for a while from you

'Ah, he's leaving.'

> All in all, I believe that we got together a little bit too early just after I broke up with my ex

'You can go.'

> And I guess I've been hoping that you would be able to hold me away from the pain that she caused

'I understand.'

> As a result, I feel myself losing the want to be with you

'Leave.'

> And it hurts that I even think this way

'Say it.'

> I wanna make a little suggestion

She knew this day would come, and she wasn't afraid.

Giya:

> Go ahead, love

'Just leave me already.'

Sho:

> I'd like for us to, you know, spend our first time apart

> I know that's ironic, since we've been apart for weeks on end, but totally even in terms of communication

> I'd like to give myself time to have closure of the past so that I can appreciate you more

> I already appreciate you, but I'd like a little more closure outside of us.

Giya could be fine with that. She already chose to love him.

Giya:

> Sure, love. Thank you for telling me

> Take all the time you need, and when you want to chat again, I'm waiting

> I'm grateful you're willing to tell me. Don't worry, I'm not hurt at all. I just feel glad

'Not hurt at all. All within my expectations.'

Sho:

> Alrighty then, let's start small for now okay?

'He'll make them longer in the future.'

> Maybe just one week, probably until next Sunday, for me to get my lil closure

> then if I ever feel like I need more time, I'll let you know okay?

One time, Sho had once said to her, 'I would wait a thousand years in silence just to have a minute with you.'

Quixotically romantic yes, but she would show him that she could speak louder than words, in the same sentiment.

Giya:

> Okay, no problem

> But if you truly lose the desire to be with me, in both the 'spending time with' and relationship sense, don't hesitate to tell me either.

> I'm not afraid

'I was ready for our break up since I accepted your confession.'

Sho:

> duly noted

Giya:

> Since I won't be able to greet you, have a good week, Sho.

'You wouldn't want to hear the pet names, or that I love you.'

_______________________________________________

The week was over before Giya knew it. She knew how to keep herself occupied, so such a time was no issue.

After lunch, she was surprised to see a message from a certain number.

Sho:

> good morning, love

> Today's National Girlfriend's Day, so I found it a good time to end off my little getaway

She wondered why he even bothered coming back, but was grateful for his accountability, regardless.

Giya:

> If you say so, love. Good afternoon

> Sorry for missing it, was engrossed in work and still am. Have a good day

Sho:

> Have a good day as well

From there, they had less chats about everyday things, multiple days passing by in a single screen of greetings in the morning and wishes of sweet dreams in the night.

Until finally, finally, in August.

Sho:

> Love I'd like a real talk again

> when you have the chance

'Not like the talking we've been having was real.'

Giya:

> Mhm?

Sho:

> So I find myself having difficulty focusing in the office

> and of course, I'm thinking about you

> That's not good in my opinion. My next promotion period is starting next week as well

'I can't choose what you're thinking about.'

It just sounded like a terrible excuse.

Giya:

> That really isn't. How can I help?

Sho:

> I've been realising for a while that I'm not mentally prepared for us either

> Just something isn't sitting right with me, you know?

> And I don't want to continue loving you with this conscience

'Ah, ah. There it is.'

Giya:

> Mhm, so you want to call it off then?

Sho:

> For now, yes

'For now, he says!'

> Until I can get my head straight again

'How cruel. How can I move on if you say that?'

Giya:

> Sure, Sho. I'm glad to hear you say it

Sho:

> I'm sorry, love. I've been given so much from you yet I'm still like this

Giya:

> Shh, nonsense

'I already chose to love you.'

Sho:

> Alright

> I'm sorry this is all so sudden

'Sudden?'

Giya decided to come clean.

Giya:

> Let me tell you right now, that I expected something like this to happen

'I put your face to the hypothetical.'

> Before I gave 'us' a chance, and everyday after, I asked myself if I would still be okay if this happened

'Innumerable scenarios.'

> You can guess my answer

> It hasn't changed

Sho:

> So are you okay?

Giya:

> Yes, I'm more than okay.

> This is difficult to describe, because you can't see my face

> But yes, I'm more than okay. Smiling, actually

'The scenarios didn't fail me.'

Sho:

> I'm glad, I just want to focus more on myself before I could focus on loving somebody else.

Giya:

> I understand. You don't have to worry about me.

Sho:

> Glad to hear it. Well see you until next time

Giya:

> Until next time indeed

_____________________________________________

She had written that day and time down, just like every memorable moment she had with him.

Delineating what was real and what was not.

Just like this recent Nstagram story of Sho in the cinema with another girl, with the caption 'movie date with bae.'

Giya hadn't let him post anything with her on Nstagram. Social media was a tinted lens that she participated in with a grain of salt. He was visibly saddened, but said he was fine with it. Was that one of the straws that eventually broke the camel's back?

No matter her speculations, she wished them happiness, more than what they had together. She hoped that this girl was better for him than her. That was the least someone who loved him could do, right?

Ah, but cognitive dissonance pounced on her once more.

If she loved him, she should have cried for him.

But she didn't, even after all this time, because she knew he would break up with her. She didn't want to burden his choice with the tears of someone who wasn't prepared, because she was.

She knew it would hurt. She knew she would reminisce. She knew she would wonder why he didn't want her anymore. If she was good enough for anyone after that loyal, loving, considerate boy left her.

Her eyes remained dry. Even if Giya were to shed tears, the bus and the office were not the right places for it.

After breakups, she had observed that humans could display a decrease in functionality and great changes in emotional sensitivity, reacting strongly or weakly depending on the stimuli. They could avoid their previous partners and throw away their mementos, hoping the tainted memories would be discarded with them.

She opened her wallet to fetch her bus card. The necklace chain gleamed inside.

She wanted to try something different and harder.

The bus signalled for the final stop, where her office was. She put her phone away and got up.

After she alighted, she watched as the bus circled around to make the reverse journey.

Outside the bus, time would not wait for her to start moving and go on without her. All she did was decide to keep pace.