IT HURTS(2)

It hurts...

It hurts...

Those were the only words that kept repeating in my head and heart.

Whenever I see you. I hate to see you hurting. I tend to feel miserable at the thought of you being hurt.

I shared your pain but I guess you didn't notice either. After all, that's how insignificant I was to you. You never really noticed me anyway. Whether it was my anger, pain, or love for you. You didn't notice them but all I told myself was that ' it's okay, it doesn't matter, just being the good friend he needed was enough.'

How pathetic I was, saying that to myself. Because of love, I felt emotions I could never imagine myself feeling. I felt anger and a deep-rooted hatred for my very own friend because she hurt you and caused you to be distressed. Sometimes you get soo frustrated to the point of you shedding tears. Do you think I hadn't noticed that? I did soo many times but I also didn't know how to approach you. Every time I'd hear that you shed another tear for her, I felt so devastated. I felt like cradling you in my arms and telling you that ' I'm here and I love you ' but I will always shy away.

I remember the one time she did something that pissed me off soo much that I couldn't even contain my anger. I could remember the incident like it was just yesterday but through all that, you didn't even notice why I was angry and sad.

Marie mistreated you, mocked the love you had for her, she wasn't appreciative whatsoever but still, whenever you saw her, you would always choose to be by her side instead and leave me feeling lonely and hurt. I felt wrecked and powerless.

I remember how she treated the letter you wrote to her on Val's day and how insignificant the kiss you guys shared meant to her. Yeah, I knew of the kiss you guys shared on that day. By then, she had received a box of chocolate from 'that' person, which made her expect more from you but it was, in her own words, ' just a long letter and a kiss.' At that very moment, I had this strong urge to smack her in the cheeks. How I wished I was the one getting a kiss and a long letter. That very day I had no one, Bart had completely ignored me. I couldn't even make out his whereabouts but she had someone by her side, she had you, Keal. Someone who loved her enough to care and even wished her a happy Val's day.

At that moment, I will admit I humoured her too and thought why a letter. I laughed alongside her but after seeing the content, I regretted it and scolded her instead.

The letter was full of emotions that I wish were directed to me but unfortunately, it was not and the one it was addressed to also didn't value it. I was soo angry but what could I possibly do? it wasn't addressed to me. if it was, I will have kissed and hugged you soo hard for you to know how much I love and appreciate you.

The only time that you will talk to me was when it was about anime or movies, apart from that, it was mostly about her. Was I only good for just that? You only seek me out whenever the both of you had a fight or misunderstanding. Was I only good has a second option, cause I felt that way whenever I was around you. I know it's bad of me to assume that about you, but could you blame me. I was a mess, my feelings were all over the place. I wanted you soo bad but it seemed like I was invincible in your eyes. She had what I wanted but she wasn't valuing it the way I would have if I did.

But through all that I still loved you. My love kept on blooming and growing despite all the pain my heart had felt. It never listened to my lamenting. I was broken all because my heart chose to love you. I bet you had no idea that I will sometimes shed tears of frustration just because of you. Both Bart and you were the sources of my distress and heartache.

The way I thought of love and the way it was delivered to me, had way too much of a gap difference between them.

Love made me feel so stupid and pitiful. I felt as if I was a beggar. The way I craved your attention made me sometimes feel disgusted with myself. I hated myself at some point for falling in love with you. I hated it because I had no control over my heart and feelings anymore.

Wanting to love and be loved. The one I wanted, I let him slip away and the one I had, treated me like trash.

How pitiful am I, didn't I deserve love, wasn't I worthy of being loved. I poured my heart out to both of you but got only pain and heartache.

Although there were joyous times, they were too few to the point that, they were consumed and overshadowed by the pain.

Was loving them the right choice. I kept my love silent, hoping you will read the signs but you never did. I wasn't good with words. Already, I had been drowning in self-doubts, which made me too scared to voice out my feelings. I was hoping for you to notice my feelings with my actions but it was a total fail.

I gave you so many clues and hints but you never seem to notice. I was crippled with negativity and insecurities but you never noticed or should I say, you never even cared to notice. Did you even notice that I was drowning in insecurities? But through all that, did my heart listen? No! Did it stop loving you? No! Why! Because I still hoped you would acknowledge my feelings even if you didn't love me. if I could have the courage right now, I will have asked you, ' did you notice that I had feelings for you or not ' and if you did, ' did you intentionally ignore it ' and ' have you ever used the feelings I had for you to your advantage '. I know I shouldn't be thinking this but I didn't know what else to do.

How foolish of me to hope for such a thing. The day drew near and it finally happened. She said those words, ' it's over '. It was during self-study time. I was seated to your left, she came in, squatted by your side, and said those words to you. At that moment, all I wanted to do was to hug you but sadly I couldn't. She ended things between you in an awkward way possible.

I saw the hurt in your eyes and how dejected you were but you weren't hurt because of the break up for you knew it was going to happen. After all, she had already made her intentions known to all your friends and buddies.

I also knew already and I was perfectly aware that she was seeing someone else, someone who she kept comparing to you. That person gave her what she wanted, Marie was more material than romantic. She selects people based on their usefulness to her and that is how she chose you, eventually, your usefulness to her ran out because you didn't measure up to her expectations. Your only selling point was your intellect and handsomeness.

I could see pride was hurt and you blamed me. You wanted to end it first but I stopped you, and I regret it. I'm sorry. I hated myself every day for stopping you, she's insensitive and cruel. Up to date I still regret ever stopping you. I wished I hasn't said anything and had allowed you to do want you wanted. I'm sorry. I wish I could do something about it, but I couldn't do anything. The harm was already done. You were broken and I was in more pain than you could imagine.

It hurts... I know... Because that's how the both of you make me feel every day. Kael and Bart, you guys are the very causes of my heartache and margarine.

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HERE'S ANOTHER ONE, IT'S HARD FOR ME TO BE LIVING THROUGH THESE EMOTIONS, SO TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT IT. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD CONTINUE OR DROP THIS STORY ALTOGETHER.