DESPAIR AND DILEMMA (3)

I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried, God even knows I did, but I couldn't get over you. My eyes, my attention, and my senses always seek you out only and none other. The more you reject me the harder I fall for you. Why is it so? The more hurt I feel, the more I seem to develop a craving for you. It almost feels like an unquenchable thirst, I'm drunk but it's not on wine but you. I have tried to sober up but It became so hard that I had to give up on it, cuz I felt defeated the more I tried. I want you, your touch, your embrace, comfort, warmth, your love, and most especially your heart. I don't know I keep seeking after it. I feel weak and helpless when it comes to you. If only you'd notice me, my feelings, and my love for you. If only you will acknowledge my heart and embrace the warmth of love that I want to show you.

My soul yearns for you. If only you knew but at last I'm caught between confessing and being rejected or keeping to myself and staying by your side forever. I'm in a plight because of you, I seem to be in a trance, if only I could break the hex that you cast on me, that love charm, which I have tried to break so many times but failed.

Someday I hope you will understand my feelings for you and at least show some appreciation or value for the pure love I show you. Sometimes I feel you don't care, it's like you can tell but refuse to acknowledge. Sometimes I feel like you tend to mock my love for you but I hope all that is in my head. Because if my thoughts became a reality, I'd probably go insane with pain.

Sometimes I feel stupid, loving you makes me seem desperate and laughable but all the same, does my enchanted heart stop loving you? No! It doesn't.

I still love you through it all and will probably keep loving you.

Questions upon questions keep popping in my head every time I'm around you. There's a question I keep wanting to ask you but am too scared to know the answer. ' what did you think of me during our first meeting? Were you ever curious about me? How did you see me, after getting to know me? '

All these unanswered questions keep plaguing my mind. I keep wanting answers but I'm too afraid to ask. I feared that you would see me as a mainstream person or just a classmate while I held a burning love for you in my heart.

I remember right after your breakup with Marie, how miserable you looked. You will always lament about how all women are heartless and cruel. How unappreciative women are or how all women are the same. I will just sit and listen because that's all I could do and even if I answered you, you weren't willing to listen to me. You had already decided on an answer in your heart and nothing I said would have gotten through to you.

I knew how sensitive you were and how it hurt your pride that she never appreciated any effort you made for her. She treated your love like trash but you didn't have to close off your heart to love. I wanted to be there one to heal your scars but you never looked my way and hurt me more and more as the days goes by.

I made sure to be there for you, to show you all the love and care I could, even though I wasn't also having it easy with my love life. I tried my best to be there for you and listen to your laments because that was all I could do at that time and at that moment all you needed was an ear to listen to your pains. Even though it hurts to be by your side, I still listened anyways.

That moment when you were cursing the very existence of the female gender, were you even aware of what I was going through? Probably not. You were busy cursing my gender to even notice the hurt in my eyes let alone the love held in them.

Bart wasn't making my life any easier. Bitterness was seeping into my heart but I suppressed it forcefully. Bart was just messing with my heart, playing with my feelings as if it was nothing. One moment he will draw close to me, and treat me like the most important thing he ever had, and the next moment, even trash may even have more value than me. I felt thorn and unfocussed.

What the both of you were doing to me, wasn't it cruel?. where at all is my place?. where ever I desired to be It seems I was just being toyed with. I couldn't take it anymore and I gave in, I gave in to the pain, hurt, and bitterness and finally drowned.

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HERE IS ANOTHER CHAPTER, IT WAS HARD TO WRITE. IT IS ROUGHLY WRITTEN, BUT I HOPE YOU WILL LIKE IT.