BROKEN(4)

To Break...

It Breaks.....

To be Broken.......... How familiar I am with these words to the point that I feel sorry for myself. I always stay still and watch my heart being broken into pieces and I still smile through it. What a fool I was to think that he loved me. Bart never did. He always told me but I never felt loved.

How can you love me and still allow another girl to sit on your lap? How can you love me, and still let another girl touch you inappropriately right in my presence and you also touch them back just as sensually as they did? After that, you come to me and expect me to be happy. How big of an idiot did you take me for.

How can you claim you love me and still ignore me? You sometimes pass by me as if we were strangers. For God's sake, some people even mistook another girl as your girlfriend and made me look like a boyfriend snatcher. How the hell is it possible to snatch your boyfriend, how? Someone, please explain it to me.

All this and you say you love me. Bart, you hurt me so much but I kept giving you chances hoping you will change. Hoping you will come back to your senses. Hoping you will treat me better but you didn't.

You kept breaking and breaking my heart. Disappointment upon disappointment kept coming and coming. Tears upon tears kept flowing down my eyes. Pain upon pain kept aching my already wounded heart.

I gave you my heart, then you stomp on it. You treated it as nothing. I guess this is why we are told to love with our minds and not our hearts.

I remember every time I wanted to give up on us, my friends will keep telling me how good we looked together and that I should give you another chance. But you kept trashing it.

Did you even know that I cried every night asking myself where did I go wrong? Did you know that I kept blaming myself?

I stopped eating because the food didn't seem appealing or tasty anymore. I only drank water to sleep. It continued for three days, I would have continued if not for my friends who forced me to eat and also Keal threatening to not speak to me ever again.

Kael even thought it was because he was being friendly with Marie even though they had already broken up. How petty did he think I was?. I had indeed fallen in love with him but this time, it was because of You. Yeah, It's was because of you Bart. I was trying my hardest to save our relationship. The way you were treating me kept pushing me towards Kael. I wanted to kill that feeling but you kept fanning the flames of love with your actions, which kept me from burying the love I harboured for Kael.

I had a boyfriend who didn't care about me, I loved you Bart that's why I felt guilty for loving another man when I had you but you didn't make things any easier for me. He treated me better, better than you ever did. I loved him first but gave up because he chose Marie.

But you kept pushing me to him with your deeds. But still, I believe in us. I closed off my feelings for him but you broke me, Bart.

You made me give up all hope of us ever staying together anymore. I clearly remember that day you told me to meet you and I came but you never showed up. I saw you passing but you didn't approach me.

Did you know how stupid you made me feel? I felt so hurt. I even sent someone to call you but still, you didn't show up and I had no choice but to go back to the dorm.

That's when everything went under. Every hope I had for us shattered and all the chances ran out. Then and there, I wanted out of this relationship for good.

You made me so sad, I couldn't even concentrate on my studies anymore and we were writing our final exams too. An exam that will determine my future, it could either make or break me, but I was too emotionally drained to even focus on my studies.

I couldn't ruin my future and finally, I decided to end it and I did. It wasn't easy for me to decide between breaking up with you or my studies. It pained my heart to end things with you. But you left me no other option but that. It was either you or my studies and I had to choose my studies because that was my life.

I sent for you and finally, you showed up. After I told you that I wanted to break up, you straight up refused. You began to beg. You told me you were wrong and that you were sorry. You told me that you tend to be shy in approaching me whenever I was with my friends, that I understood but what I didn't get was the part where you completely ignored me whenever you saw me passing by. At least a hi wouldn't cost you much, would it? You tried your best to explain your actions but none made sense. You perfectly knew how I felt about sex, you knew I was scared, and also how I was brought up also kinda has an influence on my opinion concerning sex. In actuality, I'm scared of penetration in general. I wasn't going to change my mind about it, not for even love. I understand this age and time make it hard for some ladies and girls to keep firm on their decisions concerning sex, they either have to compromise or else they lose the man they love to another just because of sex, but I wasn't ready to surrender my purity just yet. And how do you propose I do that? when you didn't make me feel loved. How do you expect me to give my virginity to someone who doesn't show me the love they claim they had for me? I probably can't have sex without emotional attachment, I love the idea of giving my purity to someone I love. I wanna lose my virginity while making love and not just some meaningless lustful sex.

I couldn't give you that, so I had to let go so that another will come, who'd be able to give you what you wanted. I'm not that much of a clingy person, I know when it's time to let go of something and I will do so.

Did you think it was easy breaking up with you? I was very much hurt deeply more than you were. Seeing you asking for forgiveness made me want to change my mind but then I remembered, that I gave you countless chances but you ruined them all and it became too late. I know our breakup wasn't entirely your fault. I also played a part in it too. If only I had opened up to you, if we had talked it out, instead of leaving it to turn out the way it did. I wasn't someone who easily opens up unless being forced to. It's a habit of mine that I know isn't good for a relationship. If only I wasn't closed off and if my heart wasn't also caught in a dilemma, I probably would have stayed. I loved you but I wanted Li Wu more. I'm sorry if only my heart wasn't craving another, but unfortunately, it did. I will admit, I was indeed biased with you, and at some point in time, I indeed used you as a rebound. I'm sorry about that. If I could build up the courage, I'd apologize.

You even said that I was breaking up with you because of another guy, to some extent you were right but it wasn't the entire truth. Because by then, Keal had no idea that I had feelings for him and I hadn't planned on revealing it either. And I wasn't breaking up with you just to go to him. I did that just solely for me. I had been going through a lot of pain and I finally lost it. The patience, the understanding, the tolerance, I lost them all. I became fend up. I finally hit my limits and I cracked, so I had to pull away to heal myself.

I loved you Bart and I still did after our break up but I just had to let go. If you are meant for me, no matter what, our parts will cross again. I love you, I wish you had shown it better and I wish I had opened up too, If I did, we probably will still be together. But unfortunately, we were both immature at some point.

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ANOTHER CHAPTER, YOUR THOUGHTS. THESE ARE PURE/RAW FEELINGS OF THE AUTHOR, SO IT WILL BE A LIL MESSY IN DELIVERY.