Chapter 118

　　Lying in the dark, watching the reflections of the water on my ceiling, I’m still and numb with a sensation as though I’m floating on the ocean directly, but I’m still lying on my bed. It’s night and dark; I haven’t left, and I don’t want to.

　　I’ve cried so much that my body is ravaged and weak. I didn’t know that it could do this to me, release so much, so much doubt, insecurity, pain. I haven’t sobbed properly since I was five years old. Back then I didn’t cry over heartache; I only knew the tears from physical pain and illness. This is so much worse.

　　Crying over Jake must be the worst pain I have ever experienced; it leads to my breaking down over the way my life has turned out. The way I am. I think of my mother and wonder if she ever disintegrated like this over the men she dated.

　　Did she break this way over Ray Vanquis when he left?