painful memories

as I'm speaking right now I have been bottling up a lot I guess I'd like to start with I always try to make other people happy even when I'm not happy because it feels like the right thing to do I feel like everyone deserves to smile and everyone deserves a chance to be loved and be happy maybe sometimes we as people don't deserve it but I don't know it just it feels right maybe I'm being stupid maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better because I feel s***** I just want others to be happy even when I'm not this isn't really a story it's just me ranting it's everything I feel In this moment or have felt I feel like I don't get to make my own decisions in my family it's just frustrating I'm the youngest in my family me and my sisters are 3 years apart and I'm still treated like a child around them I mean my sister isn't even legal to do drugs and she does them and apparently I'm not allowed to be around them while they do it even though my sister's not 21 I don't know it's just frustrating because I do the same things they do and I get treated like a child whenever I do it maybe it's because I'm so close off I don't know it's just frustrating I don't know what else to say I just feel like I'm in an endless void all the time struggling it's like I'm standing in a room full of people screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me it's like I'm drowning this whole family it's making me drown, drown in my sorrows and sadness I'm miserable I don't want to live with my mom anymore she's just so... she's so frustrating and she lets her own mother and her own boyfriend abuse her child she's abused her children emotionally is and physically I have a memory of one of my mom got so angry she abused my sister by throwing cups at her head and I remember when my mom and my sister got into a fight and I had to leave the house because I was scared they were just screaming at the top of their lungs and I couldn't do anything I didn't have any headphones to drowning out I was so scared I had to leave the house I don't know how my sister can just come back here and pretend everything is fine that's what she does but I can't do that I can't just pretend everything's fine when it's not so f***** up I hate it here I hate it so much and I just want to leave