maybe, this is love

There were nights where Jiu couldn't move.

As he lay in his bed in the middle of the night with wide eyes, he tried to scream but he couldn't. No words would come out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried. His body would stop functioning and would shut down, leaving him "paralyzed" and in pain, tears filling up in his eyes only to fall.

On those nights, Jiu wished his mother was with him. He wished that she was there to comfort him and take his pain away, just like she'd done years before.

But she wasn't there, and he was left in pain.

Stop, he begged, opening his mouth to scream but nothing came out. Please, stop. It was no use trying to scream though—it wouldn't stop anyway.

Hours had passed before he could move again, and the first thing he did was cry. He hated how vulnerable he could be at times like these, after he'd worked so hard to hide. But being vulnerable was something normal to him now.

Ever since May had appeared in his life, his emotions had been showing, one by one. And he hated the idea of being able to feel again.

Jiu sat up in his bed and held his head in his hands, sobbing quietly as the pain in his body slowly started to fade. His shoulders were shaking and he wished that someone was there to hold him. But no matter how much he wished, no one would be there.

He was lonely, sitting there with tears streaming down his face, and he pitied himself. Jiu sighed and wiped the tears from his eyes and face, forcing himself to stop crying and smile. "I'm okay," he said quietly. "I'm okay."

He was anything but okay.

When morning had finally come, the first thing Jiu did was lock himself in the bathroom and sit in the tub. He buried his face in his knees and silently cried. He knew it wouldn't matter if he had cried aloud—there was no one to listen to him anyway.

Jiu was tired. He was tired of living, of being hurt, of remembering, of feeling. He was tired of everything, and he just wanted everything to stop.

The more tired he got, the more he hurt. And the more he hurt, the more he hated—both everything and himself.

+++

He would meet May today. Jiu had told her to come to the bridge, saying it was an emergency.

But all he wanted was to see her again.

In the small amount of time they had spent together, Jiu could no longer ignore his feelings for the girl. May made him feel loved and cared for. She made him want to live a little longer, even if it were just for a day.

He held onto the railing, staring down at the water below. The boy could see his reflection staring back at him with sad, tired eyes, and he could see past it as well. It was as if he were there, but was invisible. It bothered him.

"You called?" Jiu turned around to find a smiling May, her hands in her pockets. She looked happier since the last time they'd met, but he could still see traces of sadness in her eyes.

"Yeah," Jiu said. "I did." He let go of the railing he had been holding onto so tightly and slowly walked toward the girl.

"What's wrong?" she asked him.

"Nothing," he said. "I just wanted to see you again."

May snorted, "I'm flattered," she said, "But was that really an emergency?"

"It was for me." He smiled sadly, "Funny, right?"

"No," she shook her head. "I wanted to see you, too."

May knew her feelings well. It didn't matter that only a few weeks ago, Jiu had been a stranger that had tried to kill himself—she didn't care that she was only trying to save him.

He cleared his throat and sighed, "Did you mean it?" Jiu asked. "What you said back there in the forest? Did you mean it when you said you'd stay with me?"

"Every word." May's eyes turned glossy, as if she were to cry at any second. "I meant everything I said."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

He took in a deep breath, "Why is it that everytime you're around me," he started, "I feel as if I can finally be me? And when you're not near me, why do I want to see you?"

May cracked a smile. "I was thinking the same thing," she said.

"Do you know what it is?" he asked. Jiu didn't understand why he felt so scared suddenly. His emotions were betraying him—he wasn't supposed to feel these kinds of things. But he was, and it was scaring him.

"Maybe," she said, "this is love."

"Then why do I feel so scared?" He stared at her with tears filling his eyes, "If this is love, why am I so afraid?"

"Because love is unpredictable. You don't know whether it'll hurt you or heal you." She moved closer to him. "It's okay if you're scared," she said quietly, staring up at him. "I'm scared, too."

That day, Jiu loved, something that he had never done quite right before. And although he may have been scared, he loved nonetheless.