may

Grey was the day, with clouds blocking the sun from shining brightly. May didn't seem to care though, as she walked with her head hung low and dragged her feet.

It was a rather sad day, the anniversary of her father's death. Despite him being the reason why her dear brother had died, she still remembered the happy memories they had made as a family.

After her father had died, May had no one left. Her mother had taken off many years before and didn't plan to ever come back—May believed that she was either living happily with another family or dead. That would mean she was the only one left alive.

She hated living.

It pained her thinking about her family. They used to be happy and she wondered where everything had gone wrong. Was it their mother's sudden disappearance? Or was it their father's drinking problem?

Maybe it had been them, the children, that were the problem. Her mother had never been really affectionate with them, but she still loved them.

She did, right?

Now that May thought of it, they never really were a happy family, were they? There was always something wrong, a problem that claimed it couldn't be fixed. Her mother was rarely happy around them, her father had always drunk. It wasn't until they had reached their limits that they had turned into what they were today.

Runaways, or dead.

May sniffled, moving her hair out of her face and finally looking up from the ground. It was too cold for April—maybe it had just been the wind. She sighed and blinked away the tears that had formed in the corners of her eyes. "Jeez," she mumbled with a small smile. "What's with the gray days?"

She knew exactly why the day was gray.

As she got closer to the place she would be meeting Jiu, she silently cried, failing to hold in her tears. Falling to the ground, she hugged her knees and cried as the cars passed by, not caring enough to pull over and ask what was wrong. Either way, her answer would've been the same.

Everything was wrong.

+++

"You cried," he said, staring into her red, puffy eyes. "Again." His hands were stuffed in his pockets as usual and his yellow hair was hidden under his hood. He wore the same thing as usual, too—black hoodie and ripped jeans. Not much had changed since that day. Maybe his emotions for May had grown, maybe they had faded—she couldn't tell behind his blank eyes.

"Yeah," she said, looking away from the boy and sniffling. "I did."

"Why did you cry again?"

He was being straightforward now, which was something new. May didn't mind—she just didn't know how to tell him what the day meant for her. She looked at him again, her eyes glossy as tears formed once again.

"If I tell you," she started, "and I cry once again, will you hold me?"

His blank eyes turned into worried ones as he watched her wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket. He wanted to know what had made her so sad that day and why she had cried—it hurt him to see the person he cared about cry so much.

"Will you let me hold you?" he asked, taking a step forward.

"Yes," she said, her voice quiet as she stared into his chocolate eyes. "Please."

May lost count of how many times she had cried that day, but she didn't seem to care anymore as she broke down into tears while Jiu held her. It broke his heart to see her like that—and it hurt even more because he didn't know why she was crying to begin with.

By the time she had calmed down, they were sitting inside a cafe, Jiu watching May as she stared blankly at the cup of coffee in front of her. She wanted to keep crying, but her tears had already dried up. So instead, she sighed and avoided eye-contact with the boy in front of her.

"Something happened, didn't it?" Jiu asked cautiously. He didn't want to trigger something in her once again. "Something serious?"

"No," she said. There wasn't any emotion left in her voice, and it scared him. "Not today. Years ago."

"Did it have to do with your brother?" he asked.

"Somewhat."

Jiu knew that he shouldn't be asking; he didn't want to remind her that her life was messed up—maybe even more messed up than his was—but he couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry," he said, "for asking. I know you don't want to talk about i—"

"I never said I didn't." May finally looked up and stared at him with the same look he had always given her in the past, emotionless. "You just never asked."

"Is it okay if I ask then?"

"It won't make any difference. He's gone, anyway."

May's father died of a gunshot wound to the head. That was all she had told him—nothing more, nothing less.

"I won't visit him, though," she said. "All I'll do is pity him for living such a shitty life. It was all his doing anyway, it's his own fault he's dead."

Suddenly, he was scared. He had never seen May act that way and he felt something bad would happen sooner or later. Clearing his throat, the boy looked at her worriedly.

"May," he said. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Why would I?" she asked. "What? Do you think I'd actually feel remorse for my brother's killer?" May scoffed, "It'd be cruel to do such a thing."

"Please," he said. "Just—for your own sake, don't do anything stupid."

She paused, as if his words were still processing through her head. After a while, she sighed, closing her eyes tightly. "Fine," she said. "For our sake." Jiu smiled, relieved.

They went to his house afterward.

"Do you ever feel lonely even though you're with someone?" she asked quietly, poking Jiu's arm that had been wrapped around her.

The two were laying in his bed, staring at the white ceiling above them. There was nothing for them to do those days, but being with each other was just enough to satisfy them for now.

"Yeah," he said, braiding the girl's long, brown hair. "Most of the time."

She turned her head to look at him. "Even when you're with me?" May asked.

"Sometimes."

She turned back around. "I won't lie to you," she said. "I do too, sometimes. Even after you had finally warmed up to me—I just felt alone, even though you were sitting right beside me."

"Was I that cold?"

"Yeah," she smiled. "You were."

Jiu sighed, "I do it to protect myself," he said. "I don't want to be hurt again when someone I care about leaves. I don't want to feel so helpless and weak anymore."

May was silent. She felt tears building up. "What if I leave you one day?" she asked in a quiet voice, so quiet he could barely hear her. "Would you become helpless and weak then?"

"I'd be more than that," he said. "I'd be broken, and I don't think I'd ever want to be fixed."

The girl felt a tear run down her cheek and she wiped it quickly. Then I'm sorry, Jiu, she wanted to say. I'm truly sorry.

"You won't leave, right?" he asked. "You'll stay?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'll try."

May lied.

+++

It was the twenty-seventh of April, a cold spring morning—which didn't seem to matter to May. Everyday was cold for her, everyday was grey.

As the girl sat in her bed, her hair messy and oily, she couldn't help but cry. It was all she had done the past few days—lay in bed for hours on end without moving and cry. There was nothing left for her to do anyway.

It was time.

Hours later, when the sun had finally decided to set in the horizon, May got out of bed and slipped her slippers on. She walked out of her room in her small, sad apartment and headed straight towards the front door—she wouldn't even bother changing. Grabbing the paper that had been folded on the table, she put it in her pocket and left the apartment with red, teary eyes.

She made her way towards the bridge.

It was vacant as usual, only a few people walking past. They gave the girl weird stares, but she didn't care anymore. She didn't care about anything anymore.

Except for the boy.

With every step she took, she felt her heart shatter. Tears fell from her dark brown eyes as she sobbed. She wanted to turn around and run to the boy, she wanted him to hold her like he had before. But she couldn't.

May dragged her feet until she was standing at the same place she had stood when she met Jiu. Sniffling, she took out her phone and wiped her tears from her face. She called Jiu.

He picked up on the fourth ring. "Hello?" he answered. May closed her eyes tightly as more tears fell. She covered her mouth, containing her sobs.

"May? What's wrong?" Jiu asked worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm so sorry," she said, holding the letter that had been in her pocket in her hand, salty tears falling onto it. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you like I said I would."

"What do you mean?" he asked confused. "What's going on?"

"I can't—I can't take it anymore, Jiu," she said. "I can't take this pain anymore—it's killing me."

"Where are you?" She could hear shuffling and footsteps. "May?"

"You know where I am," she smiled sadly. "I know you do."

"May, don't hang up. Please don't hang up."

"I tried my best," she said. "I tried so hard to contain my pain. I tried so hard to be happy— and I was, Jiu. I was happy with you. I thought that maybe, you could fix me." May paused, "But being with you made all my hurt overflow; it reminded me of all the shitty things that have happened to me and how they'll never go away no matter how hard I try."

"May, plea—"

"I was supposed to save you," she laughed softly. "You were the one that was supposed to be fixed. But fixing you broke me. I can't be fixed anymore, Jiu. I've had enough."

"Ma—"

"I meant when I said I loved you that day," she said, her voice breaking. "I'm not doing this because of you—I just don't want to hurt anymore."

"Don't hang u—"

She hung up.

Letting her phone fall from her hand, May covered her mouth as she sobbed, kneeling down to set the piece of paper in her hand on the bridge. She smiled, staring at it for a moment before finally turning away and looking ahead.

She grabbed onto the railing, using it to help her get up. May looked down at the water, seeing her own reflecting staring right back at her. It was small, and even though she couldn't see it well, she hated it because it was her.

"May!" She turned around to see him running toward her. She could tell he was going as fast as he could, but it wouldn't make much of a difference.

Jiu couldn't stop her.

As he approached her with each step, May turned back around and closed her eyes. "Kang Jiu," she whispered to herself, a smile stretching across her face, the smile he had adored so much.

"I loved you."

She fell.