<<9>>

Chapter 9

A month ago

Damn!

Science class wasn't as easy as I thought it was.

It's more complicated than I thought.

I thought I was ready for it but I was wrong.

I find myself comparing myself to others.

I am slowly losing myself.

This is bad.

I have become a cry baby.

My grades are going down.

I don't have many friends as I think others are better than me.

I guess I am the worst.

It hurts really.

My self-esteem is slowly depreciating day after day.

I am slowly becoming an empty shell.

My heart now aches more than it should.

I am starting to lose my enthusiasm.

I rarely have my smile now.

I remember the incident that happened last time in physics class.

After tutoring us on a particular topic in physics, our physics teacher gave us a particular question to solve.

Since I was already familiar with the topic, I immediately started solving it, and soon I got my answer.

Soon everyone else got theirs.

Then, our physical asked one of us to volunteer to solve that particular question on the whiteboard.

As you would have expected, I would never volunteer to do that.

After all, I was called dumb and well I have come to believe that.

It hurts a lot to accept that but well, what can I do about it?

I can't refute that claim so...

The best student in our class stood up and went towards the board and solved the questions.

We all applauded her though we weren't truly sure if she got it right or not but well...

We all somehow believed it was correct even the teacher as she was the best student after all, so everything she did was correct.

After all.

But later, she suddenly stood up from her seat and she faced the board and announced all of a sudden that she made a mistake.

We all were shocked.

We were like, how can she be wrong? How could she be wrong?

I guess we had forgotten that no one is above mistake.

Then the teacher said.

" Oh, even I had been looking at the working and saw that it was wrong. "

The girl went towards the board again and erased the whole working with the duster before reworking it.

" But, You wrote the same thing with her, Sushie! " The girl seating next to me exclaimed all of a sudden as she checked my book.

All heads turned to me immediately.

" Why didn't you volunteer to solve it on the board since you Know the answer? " The teacher queried me.

" Well... " I trailed off not knowing what to say.

Would I possibly tell him that I wasn't sure of myself especially when what the best student wrote at first was different from mine?

No right?

To be honest, I wasn't the best at physics but I was trying my best though it wasn't helping much but well...

Biology Happened to be one of my favorite subjects in science but well...

I am not that good at it either.

Though I read it, I studied it.

I always made sure to study it daily but I never got an A in it.

Our biology teacher doesn't even know me.

Imagine after spending two years in her class.

All I got was a ' Who are you? '

My heart broke when I heard that question, she was supposed to be my best teacher but not only does she not know me she wasn't even polite either.

I was better at agric though as I often got an A in it but it still wasn't enough as I didn't get up to 85%.

I remember having a final year student as a friend when I was just in senior year one.

We were pretty close though, I liked her because she was intelligent.

I remember her asking me what my result for the first time examination was.

My reply was.

" I had Distinction in three subjects while the rests were B'S and C's. "

" What! How could you have only Three A'S when your mates are having 7A's and above? " She said with Disgust.

I didn't know what to say, I was completely rooted to the spot.

I didn't even know when she left my front.

[ A/N: Tears streaming down my cheeks while writing this. ]

I was completely depressed, I felt something I haven't felt before.

I felt my eyes red with tears.

My fists were clenched tightly beside me.

' Does this mean that I am a failure as mom says? Does this mean that I am not good enough as she claimed? Am I as dumb as they claim? '

From then on, I began to compare myself to the intelligent student in my class.

I didn't realize that I was becoming somebody else. I didn't know that I was losing my originality until...

One of my classmates called me.

' A Carbon copy. '

Then it struck me.

Seeing that her words hit me where it hurts.

Her next words completely broke me.

" If you like go and commit suicide. I will come and eat rice at your burial. "

I guess she didn't know how much these words got to me.

' Suicide. '

From then on, that word became a sensitive one for me.

Why because at a point I was indeed considering it.

Perhaps, it's the perfect solution for me since I am not needed or wanted in this world anyways.

Perhaps my presence here doesn't matter, after all.

Perhaps I am a failure.

Perhaps it's true that I am useless.

From then on, I began to drown my bed with tears.

But no one cared about my tears.

Perhaps my tears don't even count.

Nobody cares after all.

Well, I lost most of the people around me due to this.

It hurts you know.

I used to be an extrovert but well, I just had to change to be an introvert.

Perhaps it's because I started to feel not good enough.

I was feeling very lonely and Depressed but well...

I remember one time, my little brother Tinu caught me crying in my room.

As it was night time I was lying on my bed, my face was facing the ceilings as tears Streamed down my eyes.

I just couldn't stop it, I had just been insulted by my classmates earlier that day.

They claimed I always behaved as if I knew all but I didn't, they said I was nothing but a carbon copy and a dumbass.

I couldn't refute them.

I only stared blankly at them.

Well, they mocked me when they saw how quiet I was.

[ A/N: Currently listening to. Sad forever by lauv. ]

But what could I say?

Though I would I have tried to deny but something in me agrees with them.

I didn't show any emotions then

I don't want them to know that their words got to me when they indeed got to me.

Occasionally, I wiped the tears out but it Continued streaming, I didn't cry out loud as I knew I would be in more trouble if I did.

As time went on, I began to feel an ache in my chest region.

It was the muscles of my heart.

It hurt a lot.

It felt like my heart was been ripped off.

The tears Streamed down like ocean.

Then I felt warm hands on my eyes, wiping out my tears.

I looked up and was a little Suprised to see it was my little brother, Tinu.

' What's he doing here at this time, isn't he supposed to be asleep? ' I thought.

I quickly wiped out my tears and swallowed the emotions threatening to burst out.

" Why are you crying, Sis Sushie? " He asked in a soft voice.

" I am not crying, Tinu. Something got stuck in my eyes that's why tears were falling. " I lied.

He looked at me for about Thirty seconds before speaking up. " You are lying, Sis... You were crying. I could feel it here. " He pointed to his chest region.

I just stared at him in silence.

" Please tell me the truth, Sis. You always told me that I am important to you but if I am indeed important then you won't be lying to me. " He sniffed.

I moved closer and embraced his small figure. " You won't understand, Brother. " I whispered into his ears.

" I will if you explain to me, Sis. " He muttered.

" I know but you are too young to. "

" I am not young! Don't forget sis that we are both in this together. " He grasped my hands and I felt the warmth being transmitted from his hands to mine.

" Tell me, Sis... " He urged me.

I wanted to, but what could I say to a 7-year-old?

" I didn't do well in my test and that's why I am sad. " I told him, I was silently hoping he'd believe me, and luckily for me, he did.

" Oh, you don't have to worry too much about that, Sis. I am sure that you'll do better next time. " He said Positively.

" I hope so... " I whispered.