<<12>>

Sushie's thoughts.

Dear diary.

I always thought life was full of happily ever after's but I was wrong.

Life is indeed full of ups and downs.

I have fallen many times and I have been trying to bring myself up.

Sometimes you'll be alone and lonely and sometimes you won't.

No one might understand what you are going through, some might even think you are happy especially when you have that signature smile on your face.

But baby girl, not everyone is happy.

People will bring you down.

It's left to you to bring yourself back up.

No one will love you more than you love yourself so one thing.

Learn to love yourself as self-love is indeed the most important type of love ever.

Suicide should never be an option as it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

If you feel sad and Depressed, stare at the stars and look at their uniqueness.

You don't have to be like anyone as everyone is different.

Sometimes it feels like there's no solution but there is a solution girlie.

If life brings you down, get back up.

Remember, failure doesn't determine who you are.

It's just a part of growth.

Never stop for anything!

Don't let anyone or anybody determine your life.

You are you!

You are unique!

Never stop aiming!

There were times where I was happy with myself but then the next minute I broke down.

Soon, I started to dread every day living.

I began to feel very useless, I began to feel like a burden to everyone around me.

I began to feel worthless.

Everyone around me had something or the other to be proud of but not me.

Why?

What have I done to deserve this?

Even though lots of people still Practice gender stereotypes but most of my mates are loved by their parents but not mine.

My mom hated me with perfect hatred.

I often wondered how possible it is for a woman to hate the child she carried in her womb for nine months but I never got my answer.

She always made sure to rain abusive words on me daily.

I never understood what satisfaction she derived from this.

Why did she hate me?

What have I ever done to her?

I always wondered

I began to feel alone in the world.

My classmates all began to treat me like air. The girl I called my best friend often pretends to care about me but the truth is she never did.

I found out too late which is the worst part.

My heart is aching pretty badly.

I wished people cared more about me.

Don't I deserve to be loved?

Don't I deserve to live my life as a normal child?

My life dream has always been to be happy, I didn't dare dream of Anything else.

I wish I could just be happy but I guess even this is too far-fetched.

Am I that bad?

I try my best to be nice to others but I never get that love in return.

Why?

Am I as worst as that?

Why can't people like me in return?

Everyone has friends of their own but all I get are frenemies who will backstab me at every opportunity they get.

Why is life so hard on me?

They say that after rain comes sunshine but when will my sunshine come?

It's been fifteen years alright?

When will the sunshine come?

Is it when I am old and gray?

Sometimes I just feel like jumping into the ocean somehow.

I hate looking at my reflection in the mirror, I was too different from everyone, this doesn't make me happy at all as I feel worse!

Most people around me possess, Brown skin, Brown eyes, Black and brown hair but I am completely different!

My skin is completely pale white like a vampire's, my hair is golden and my eyes are blue!

Why do I look this way!

I don't want to stand out if I'll have to bear the cost!

I would have preferred to blend in!

I wish I had got good brains like the best student then I wouldn't be feeling this miserable!

I stay awake for nights to read but well, I end up crying through the nights!

Why?

Why is my life like this?

My tears don't even make a difference to others!

I remember letting out my tears once in front of a teacher and the teacher couldn't care less.

She was even accusing me of trying to gain pity.

But pity? I don't need that!

I just want to feel loved and accepted!

Not once have I been complimented by someone not once!

All I ever got was the opposite.

<< You are too flat. >>

<< Your skin is too pale, are you a vampire? >>

<< Why is your hair gold? Do you belong here? Or did you dye your hair? >>

<< Why do you only eat plain bread, are you an orphan? Are your parents poor? >>

<< Why are you always putting on your cardigan? Are you sick? >>

Well, I am tired. Tired of all of this!

Can't I just live a normal life like everyone else?

I don't want wealth I just want to be happy.

Is that also too much to ask for?

If it isn't then why am I still living in misery?

At night, I cry into my pillow, my pillow became my favorite companion, sometimes all I needed what a hug from someone who cares and understands but I rarely get that.

My little brother who cares about me was always kept away from me.

It's like I have got a virus or something.

I don't mind the fact that my room is located in the attic or the fact that I had to do all the household chores.

I don't mind all this as long as I could get the love and care I need.

But I don't!

Even orphans are loved by people around me but I am different!

I am not even an orphan but yet.

I think an orphan is far better than me!

I wish my life was better than this!

I wish I could be happy... If possible.

I would love to be able to smile and laugh but well...

Is that even possible?

Will I get the love and care I deserve someday... Someday?

Goodnight, dairy.