SWEET DREAM, SHIZUN (6)

After three days had passed, Chu Wanning and Mo Ran became accustomed to a certain routine. In the morning Chu Wanning went to meditate at the Bamboo Pavilion soon after he woke up. Meanwhile, Mo Ran went down to Wuchang Town to make some purchases and come back with a hearty breakfast for the both of them. After having another fulfilling breakfast, Chu Wanning went to the library to go through a stack of books and scrolls again in an attempt to recover his cultivation.

True to his promise, Mo Ran bought a new bathtub for Chu Wanning and also a new "Art of Meditation" book. This time there would be no inappropriate drawing in there to soil his shizun's innocent eyes. When he went shopping for the book, he also got another book for himself. This was rather unusual because Mo Ran never liked reading books. During his reign as Taxian-Jun he brought back loads of books from other sects to make one grand library, but he never spent time there to read anything. He used the library as a bait to lock Chu Wanning out of the Red Lotus Pavilion and also to mollify him whenever the Great Emperor again offended his shizun in one way or another.

For that purpose, Taxian-Jun never humiliated his shizun in the library. The library became Chu Wanning's safe spot, an unblemished space where he could forget about his grievances. Other than watching Chu Wanning's expression in bed, Taxian-Jun greatly enjoyed the tranquility and focus on his shizun's face when he read a fascinating book.

Mo Ran took out the book that he bought for himself and sighed. The words "Clear Heart Sutra" on the cover were enough to tell Mo Ran that he was going to hate it. Nevertheless, he had to read it. Not only read, he decided to copy select passages to ensure that the words were engraved in his heart and mind. Mo Ran took out clean sheets of paper and placed them on Chu Wanning's study desk. Then, he proceeded to grind the ink sticks on the inkstone to produce some ink. After that, he started copying from page one.

"Form is not separate from boundlessness;

boundlessness is not separate from form.

Form is boundlessness; boundlessness is form."

What boundlessness and what form? Mo Ran squinted at the text but he copied it anyway.

"Boundlessness is not limited by form,

nor by feelings, perceptions, inclinations, or discernment.

It is free of the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind;

free of sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, and any object of mind;

free of sensory realms, including the realm of the mind.

It is free of ignorance and the end of ignorance.

Boundlessness is free of old age and death,

and free of the end of old age and death.

It is free of suffering, arising, cessation, and path,

and free of wisdom and attainment."

What sight? Chu Wanning's beautiful and slender form.

What sound? Chu Wanning's clear and tender voice.

What smell? Chu Wanning's cold haitang scent.

What taste? Chu Wanning's....

Mo Ran shook his head repeatedly. No. No. No.

He ground the inkstone more vigorously and copied the whole sutra again and again. Anything to suppress the lust in his heart. There was only one word in the sutra that he was allowed to relate to, and it was the word "suffering". It might not end anytime soon.

"Mo Ran, what are you doing?"

Mo Ran turned to look at Chu Wanning, who had entered the study quietly and was now standing next to Mo Ran. He stared at the many sheets of paper on the desk.

"Oh, I... I am practicing my calligraphy."

Chu Wanning stared at Mo Ran's ugly handwriting. He was a kind person by nature so he did not want to say anything that might hurt the other person, but Mo Ran's handwriting was really too ugly. If Mo Ran had not said that he was practicing his calligraphy, Chu Wanning would have thought that he was splattering ink around senselessly. Chu Wanning bit into his lip, wondering about the best ways to help Mo Ran without pointing out that he needed all the help he could get.

"Can I practice too?" Chu Wanning asked helplessly.

"Of course!"

Mo Ran laid down another set of white paper sheets in front of Chu Wanning and also gave him a brush to write with. Chu Wanning took the brush from Mo Ran's hand and started to write the same passages that Mo Ran wrote. The brush moved up and down eloquently on the paper, turning it into a work of art within seconds. Chu Wanning's writing was impeccably beautiful. The sutra passages seemed to have come to life merely through his slender fingers. Mo Ran was completely in awe.

Chu Wanning looked at Mo Ran in discomfort. Would Mo Ran think that he, Chu Wanning, was trying to brag? Because he did not mean to. He thought that maybe Mo Ran had never had writing companions before to improve his own handwriting. Chu Wanning never once thought that his handwriting was the best out there, but he was sure that Mo Ran's handwriting was below average.

To his greatest relief, Mo Ran broke into a smile and praised him. "So beautiful. Wanning can write very well."

Chu Wanning felt the knot in his throat dissolve. "Then... um... do you want to practice together?"

Mo Ran was surprised to hear Chu Wanning's suggestion, but he agreed nonetheless. They switched to a new sheet of paper and started to practice one character after another. Chu Wanning was very patient and also very subtle in his instructions. He did not criticize Mo Ran directly. He merely showed him a different way of writing each character, hoping that Mo Ran would improve his writing style by looking at his example.

Before they knew it, it was past noon. Chu Wanning rubbed his aching wrist and Mo Ran did the same. While Chu Wanning's soreness came from not practicing for four years, Mo Ran's soreness stemmed from his laziness in his whole life. Chu Wanning rolled their practice papers and tidied the desk up. Mo Ran was putting the inkstone away when he suddenly remembered something. He ended up staring at Chu Wanning while he held the inkstone in his hands.

Chu Wanning blinked in confusion when he saw that Mo Ran had not put the inkstone away.

"Mo Ran, what is it?"

"That... Wanning, can you do me a favor?"

"What favor?"

"I wonder if you can copy something for me."

"Copy what?"

Mo Ran put the inkstone on the desk and gingerly rummaged inside his chest for a precious letter. He had kept it with him all these years and re-read it over and over again whenever he needed encouragement to continue with whatever he was doing. The sheet of paper had turned yellowish with time and some of his blood splashed on it too during unfortunate encounters with rampaging ghosts and demons. But it was not why he wanted Chu Wanning to rewrite the letter. It was because there were a few characters that were no longer readable because Mo Ran's tears smeared the ink and ruined the letter back when he first received it.

Chu Wanning took the letter and read it out loud.

"Mo Ran. I am giving you a second chance to get a spiritual weapon. Mutual affection between two people is not necessarily born at the same time. Love requires time and effort. Choose your moment wisely. I hope that whatever you get from within the box will help you serve the mortal realm. I wish you a long and happy life next to the person..."

He was unable to read further.

Mo Ran continued for him, "I wish you a long and happy life next to the person who you love and who loves you equally."

Although he had only read th untainted letter on the first day, he kept the words in his heart. Especially the words at the end of the letter.

Chu Wanning's eyes darted around the disheveled piece of paper. The writing style was a mature one, but how could Chu Wanning not recognize his own handwriting? Did he write Mo Ran this letter? But why did the letter sound so sad? Chu Wanning imagined his hand shaking when writing the letter. The lines that formed the characters 'love' and 'affection' were slightly erratic, as if the writer harbored unspoken and yet strong emotions from the heart.

"Wanning...?"

Chu Wanning glanced back at Mo Ran. "Did I write you this letter?"

Mo Ran swallowed hard. He did not anticipate that question at all. "Yes, you did."

His heart fell at the bottom of his stomach when he heard Chu Wanning's next question.

"Why did I write you this kind of letter? What happened?"

Chu Wanning bit back the question he really wanted to ask. What happened to us back then?

Mo Ran gave him a sad smile. "We had a terrible fight, and this is the letter you gave me before..."

Mo Ran could not bring himself to end his sentence. Chu Wanning assumed that they parted on bad terms before he got hurt and lost his memory.

"Oh."

Panicked, Mo Ran grabbed Chu Wanning's shoulders. He could not afford to have another falling out with Chu Wanning, not even with his seven-year-old self who would not remember anything anyway once Master Huaizui came back.

"There were a lot of misunderstandings between us. Please do not doubt my feelings for you, I..."

But what was it that Mo Ran felt for Chu Wanning?

Gratitude? Beyond measure.

Guilt? More than he could express.

Was that it?

Was there not more?

Mo Ran, what did Chu Wanning really mean to you?

The turmoil in Mo Ran's heart must have been reflected in his eyes, because Chu Wanning gently put the letter on the desk and asked, "Who is this 'person who you love and who loves you equally'"?

The question knocked the air out of Mo Ran's lungs. He was unable to answer. He used to say that it was Shi Mei with great confidence, repeating it like a mantra day by day. Shi Mei used to be the best person in his eyes. The purest form of life that he sought to protect. After four years, he was not so sure anymore. They remained cordial to each other, but the strong wave of emotions that he once felt for Shi Mei had long since ebbed away and turned into a tranquil body of water. Other than Shi Mei, who else was there? Was there no one?

No, Mo Ran. There was someone.

Mo Ran clenched his teeth. The name threatened to bubble to the surface, but he refused to acknowledge it. It was impossible, he kept telling himself. The relationship between him and that person was nothing short of violent and filled with dirty lust. It could not be love. It simply could not be. The love between two people was supposed to be pure. A gentle but strong attachment that bound two hearts. It had nothing to do with dirty entanglements on the bed. He was supposed to worship and avoid tainting the person he loved. Because that was what love was, right? Right???

Mo Ran's silence was an answer in itself. Chu Wanning's eyelashes fluttered with emotion as sadness crept into his heart and drenched it into a lake full of icy water. His voice trembled when he gathered all the courage that he had and desperately asked, "Do you not love me...?"

Mo Ran was unable to answer. He was confused. All he could say was incoherent, "I... I..."

Tears rolled down Chu Wanning's cheeks. "If you don't love me, then why did we get married?"

The answer could never leave Mo Ran's mouth.

-Because I wanted to humiliate you.

-Because I wanted to hurt you.

-Because I was an abominable disciple who hated you.

"Oh."

Chu Wanning wiped his tears away from his reddened eyes. The heartache seemed to return him to his previous self. Every drop of tears that he shed was like a stab in Mo Ran's heart. Chu Wanning gently pushed Mo Ran away. Desperately, the latter grabbed Chu Wanning's hand. "No. Wanning, it is not like that."

Chu Wanning pulled his hand away from Mo Ran's grip. Wordlessly, he took the brush and rewrote the letter on a fresh piece of paper. Then, he put down the brush. A layer of ice settled on Chu Wanning's eyes by the time he glanced up and met Mo Ran's gaze. "I am going back to the library."

"Wanning, wait. Don't do this. Don't go like this," Mo Ran pleaded while grabbing Chu Wanning's arm. He could not take it anymore. All he wanted was a good relationship with his shizun. He thought that he could do that, but why was it that he could not escape his dark past? Why was it that his sins kept coming back to torment him? Why was it that he kept messing up over and over again??? If he could not make it work with the Chu Wanning who knew nothing about his crimes, what hope did he have to mend his relationship with the Chu Wanning who knew everything and retained his memories from two lifetimes???

Chu Wanning's tears fell again as strong emotions broke through his brave front like water breaking through a dam. "If you love someone else, you should go to that person. No need to stay with me here."

"I don't want to be anywhere but here!" Mo Ran insisted. "Wanning, please don't drive me away."

-Please don't kick me out.

-I want to stay with you.

A soft sigh escaped Chu Wanning's trembling lips. Yuheng Elder would resolutely kick Mo Ran out, but the seven-year-old Chu Wanning would not. He instead decided to keep a distance between them. "I would like to be alone. Please don't disturb me."

Chu Wanning went out of the study and shut the door behind him. Mo Ran stood at the desk and gazed at the door. He was burning with unspoken unrest that agitated his whole being.