prologue

I hate you. I hate everything about you. I hate you from top to bottom. I hate your face, your smile and your voice. I hate the fact that I grew up seeing you, I was just five years old when we first met but I can't remember how we did, we just find ourselves knowing each other. You and I witnessed every changes that happened to ourselves as we become matured and reached adolescence.

I hate the fact that you are the first person who teach me how to tie my shoelace while you are tying my shoelace telling me that I can still do the work without you. I hate the fact that you are the first person who gave me flowers.

I hate the fact that when I said I like a teddy bear you gave me one.

I hate the fact that you told me before that if I need or want something, I will tell you.

I hate the fact that every time I fall, you are there catching me.

I hate it when I tell me your secrets.

I hate the fact that every time I am being bullied and I cried, you comforted me.

I hate the fact that when our classmates or the teachers doesn't understand me, you reason out for me.

I hate the fact that we always go home together before.

I hate the fact that when I don't know how to answer a question, you taught me the answer.

I hate the fact that you are the first person who taught me how to play badminton. I hate the fact that when I lost my cat, you helped me find him.

I hate the fact that you are always going to our house so that we can go to church together.

I hate the fact that when I am afraid nor nervous, you hold my hand.

I hate the fact that when I don't have an umbrella I share with you.

And if you don't have, you share it with me. I hate the fact that when I don't have a fare going home, you treat me.

I hate the fact that when I have an achievement, I share it with you and we are both happy.

I hate the fact that we are neighbours, classmates, and church mates.

I hate the fact that when I am happy, I think of you.

When I am afraid, I think of you. I hate the fact that I spent almost whole of my life seeing you.

Remember when we went to a summer camp, we take turns in brushing our teeth, you are the first in line and I am at your back. Your sister and I kept on laughing that I almost sat down on the floor in laughter and when I got up, the toothpaste at the top of my toothbrush is gone and when I look at you, I laugh again because it is already in your cheeks. Then when you finished taking a bath then I am next, I am about to go in and you are going out but I slipped on a mat at the door of the bathroom and you caught me. I can't believe that I touched your half naked body that time.

Every time I spent a whole time staring at my face on the mirror and you are watching me in your bed, and every now and then you are asking me while laughing if I have a mirror or why I don't check myself on a mirror.

When the whole church went for a swimming and they asked to take a picture, I ran to the pool and sit with you, I am nervous that time even the fact that we sit next to each other at the back of the car with just the two of us, I spent my time staring outside and every time I look at you, you are staring back at me and smiling.

Remember every morning in san Francisco when I am taking a long time in the bath, I do that on purpose because I know you are the next one going in. Another thing, I also hate seeing your face first thing in the morning when I woke up and seeing your face again before I go to bed.

I don't know why you like staying in my bedroom, or you are just bored and you want someone to tease on. I am uncomfortable when you stay there and watch me doing my stuff like a bodyguard or something. When I don't expect you, I got startled that you showed up suddenly in the room while I am doing my homework and watched me finished it.

I am pissed when you laugh at me when I can't reach the plates that I need to step on a chair before getting those and you laugh at me first before helping me get those. I am used to be taller than you before, you just got tall when you got circumcised, don't be so full of yourself, I am still older than you.

I also don't want to think that you saw my tears while slicing those onions and the water you gave me ease the pain in my eyes.

I am pissed when you keep on volunteering me to church activities that I don't know especially when it comes to games shouting "Donny" "Donny" and I will be shocked on why I am doing this again or whose fault that I am doing this?

I hate it when you hold my hand after a long time and I am nervous holding it when we go to a church teambuilding.

I want to tell you that I am not as happy as you think when you feed me the ice cream while I am washing the dishes or when you said that you like me, I am not happy, don't be so proud of yourself because I know that it is not true. You and Kelly are meant to be best friends, you both know how to make a girl's heart flatter and keep on saying flowery words coming from your nose.

I still remember that I slowly get my food because that I know that you are next and I like seeing your annoyed face that time but still, you are smiling when we went to a young people fellowship and volunteered yourself to get the food for me.

I hate when we are crossing in the road then there is a rushing car that was about to hit me but you pulled me closer to you and you got angry to the driver for me.

I also don't want to think of the time I am going to get food and our hands hold together in getting the same food and what I hate it more is that we are both get shy after that and we offer to each other to go first.

I should hate you that girls get angry at me thinking that I like you even I don't and they think that we are so close just because we grew up together. It annoys me when the young girls from other churches get in line to take a picture with you individually like you are some kind of a celebrity and we had to wait for you that night before going home, it annoys me that they make your head bigger. You are not handsome or you are not that good in my eyes so I wonder why they go crazy about you.

Remember when my first night in your house when your mother said that I am there already, you said, "Really?!" then went into my room to check on me. I am very shy that time that I hide my face on a blanket yet you called out my name. I hate it when you tease me or when I lean on you and let me sleep when we go on church missions.

I hate it when you gave me your jacket when I am cold and I am holding you when I am afraid in walking alone at night.

Why do I find your words that are hard to trust, every time you complement me, I think that you are just teasing me.

When I go to your house to get my things after a year, you are watching me pack in front of the room like a guard and telling me that I became blooming and then when you carry my things because it is so heavy, I smiled a little for making you carry it but I still don't believe everything you said like every words that come out of your mouth is unbelievable.

I don't want you because I hate everything about you, just thinking about you or dreaming at you makes me hate myself even more. I hate it, I want you out of my life and maybe I can be in peace if you're gone to my life. I hate seeing you smile at me or tease me.

Oh one more thing, I have a picture of you sleeping on my phone, I planned to use it as a blackmail when you tease me again. We always tease each other and end up debating, I hate that and every time I lose.

I don't like your smile while looking at me when I'm innocent on one thing or I don't know a thing like you are teasing me or just find me cute when I am curious. I hate it when you are comforting me, I hate when you are there when no one else, I hate every part of you.

Oh I want to appreciate your skills in doing household chores, you can be a good husband and your cook food is delicious, at least I appreciate you in one thing, right? Since we were young, you wished to be a pilot, I am proud of you on that thing because you know your goal since the beginning and you still want it until now. You are a consistent first honor student since kindergarten until now. I also hate that, it looks like I am sinking when I am with you that I am just a nobody.

You have everything that every woman could wish for and that is why you are so famous with the girls. Yes, we grew up together but, it doesn't mean that we are meant forever.

I hate that my head is going to burst, I want to curse you, bully at you, and laugh at you like you are a pity. I want to kick you and throttle you until you beg, until I saw a pain in your eyes, until you kneel in front of me and apologize, apologize for coming into my life, apologize for your existence, apologize for all the things you have done, and apologize for coming into my dreams. I hate it, I really hate you that I want to kill you. I hate it when I am questioning myself every time I think of you. I hate that your smiling face is marked on my mind and I can't erase it.