Past

“Do you even know what it feels like? hey Chloe, tell me..."

I woke up on my bed, gasping as usual. Every time I fall asleep, all I see was her face asking ‘why do you want me to stop?' and ‘Do you even know what it feels like?'

I used to have a sister, she was a year older than me but our faces were pretty identical. Back when we were young no one could separate us as if we were twin or two peas in a pod.

—She was the one who was taking care of me.

—She was not just a sister, but also a best friend to me.

—She was the one who was patting my head whenever I cried.

Our parents always had quarrels, my father beat my mother up. Of course, because of that, I'd grown scared just by approaching my father. I always thought that he would hurt me just by talking to him.

But for some reason—a reason that I couldn't understand before when I was a child—every time that my father called me to his room, my sister was always the one who was going inside, instead of me.

It always happened.

At first once a month then turned into thrice a month, and before I realized it always happened more than thrice a month. My father frequently called me into his room but my sister was the one going in.

“Don't worry, just continue playing...” words that I always heard from my sister whenever he entered our father's room.

I had no idea of what was happening inside. Every time I tried to take a peek, the door was always locked.

I tried to ask my mother but she slapped my face instead of answering my question and also because of this, I became scared to approach my mother.

And it continued for the past few years.

Before my first year of high school, my mother died hanging herself in her room, she left a note—written; ‘I'm sick of this, even my own daughters didn't love me'—she left us with only that letter and nothing else.

But nothing changed, still, my sister always went into my father's room whenever he called my name.

It was as if we swapped our identity whenever we were home.

The only thing that changed was my sister's behavior. She used to be a sweet and caring sister to me but suddenly she turned cold to me.

We weren't talking to each other like we used to before, just her locking herself in her room and waiting for my father to call my name again.

One day I asked her what was happening in my father's room but she left me unanswered, that day my father called my name once again and my sister immediately went into his room.

I followed her.

I followed her in secret and just when she entered the room I stopped the door from locking itself. I waited outside, peeking from the back of the door and watching what she was going to do.

Then right in front of me, she started to undo her clothes, from her usual clothes into her undergarments until there was nothing left except her naked body. She started to strip off my father's pants—then what happened next surprised me.

My eyes widened as I watched what was my sister doing, there was a shade of pleasure on her face. I felt like I going to vomit but I couldn't take my eyes off them.

This was the secret that my sister hiding away from me just to protect me. Thoughts countlessly ran into my mind.

As my sister started to sit down on my father's lap, I closed the door.

I closed the door and run far away from our house, I spent the night at my friend's house then the next morning I talked to my sister.

“I know it's for my sake but please stop, you don't have to sacrifice yourself just for me"

She answered me with another question.“Do you even know what it feels like? hey Chloe, tell me... why do you want me to stop?..."

I tried to answer her many times but my words didn't reach her—they couldn't reach her. My sweet caring sister drove herself in lust because of my father. And more importantly, just to protect me.

I reported it.

Then my father was arrested.

and I and my sister were taken into custody.

I thought that was the end of it, I thought at last me and my sister were living in peace starting that day but I was wrong.

She killed herself.

She killed herself in the most painful way you could imagine.

She slit her throat with her hairpins.

Ever since that day, she was always visiting my dream asking why did I want to stop her and did I knew what it feels like to do that kind of thing.

After I tidy myself up, I headed to school as usual. Looking around, other students have their circle of friends walking with them while I—walking alone with my head faced downwards on my feet.

“Good morning, Ericka"

“Yo Mikael, Michael, and Ericka good morning! by the way, Michael tell me what happened yesterday"

“Shut up Marco it's too early to annoy me"

The voices I heard from my back. I turned my gaze in that direction and saw Michael walking along with his friends.

...maybe it feels good walking along with friends. Truthfully, I was jealous.

As I turned my gaze back to my feet, I heard busy footsteps running towards me. Suddenly, a heavy hand fell on my head, gently stroking my hair.

“Good morning, Chloe," greeted Michael. He had his face cast away but I saw his cheek flustered.

“Y-yeah, G-good morning, Michael,” I stuttered and felt my face was burning.

Evidently, what happened between us took a huge effect, and now, we felt embarrassed just by looking at each other.

“I knew it! you had a thing with underclassmen—by the way, I'm Marco young lady but you can call me ‘mine',” One of his friends hung his arms around Michael's shoulder, and it made him irritated.

“N—nice to meet you, I'm Chloe."

“So Michael likes younger girls, huh? hmm... I'll keep that in mind, I'm Mikael and this girl is—" Mikael paused as the girl beside him walked towards me and hugged me.

“I'm Ericka, nice to meet you," it was a low soft voice that came from Ericka who's still locked me around her arms. For some reason, I felt she was the same as me...or it was just my imagination.

And before I realized they already started to treat me as their friend.

“By the way" Marco opened his mouth, talking to Michael.“Is she the one who cooked for you yesterday?"

I froze and wondered how did he know that. Michael just turned around and headed to the school with Marco continued annoying him.