Chapter 19: Wedding Day

DAHLIA:

Shortly after Kaist visited that morning, he surprisingly went back again in the middle of the night.

As always, I couldn’t sleep at all when I’m alone, and since I had been so tired tossing and sulking in bed for a few days already, I decided to be a bit productive. I picked a book and started reading.

I had prepared myself to spend a quiet evening. Therefore, it was a surprise to see Kaist late at night, knocking softly on my veranda. He had done it before when we were younger, but that suddenly stopped when we turned fifteen. I wondered why he was here again after not doing this for years now…

Knowing that he was probably troubled about something, I held the candle in one hand and unfastened the lock on my veranda window. As soon as the light fell on his face, I gasped. His face was bruised, and his lip was a bit swollen with a tinge of blood.

“What happened,” I asked. He took my hand, and I immediately guided him on a seat.

I studied his face. So far, there were no other wounds. I proceeded to heal him.

“Did you get on a fight? Do you have any other wounds?” I wanted to take a closer look at the other parts of his body, but he held my hands to stop me.

“Dahlly, don’t leave me,” he whispered. His eyes were almost looked wet with tears. What on earth happened to Kaist?

Suddenly, I remembered what he had told me earlier, and my face grew pale.

“Did you… Did you have a fight with Tristan?”

He didn’t answer me, but instead, he pulled me closer and hugged me. “Dahlly, why on earth can’t you feel it,” he said.

“Kaist, what do you mean? What is it that I am supposed to feel,” I pushed him lightly so that I could see his face, but he clung to me even tighter.

“Why? Why?... Didn’t you know how hard it has been for me?”

“Wh-” Before I could ask him further he stood up abruptly and wiped the beads of tears from his face. He walked towards the open veranda.

“No matter what happens, please don’t leave me, Dahlia. I really need you,” he said. He couldn’t quite look at me on my face. I stood from the chair, wanting to see what the matter was, but he suddenly exited from where he came from and left on that cold, dark night without so much as a good bye.

I went to bed more conflicted than ever. Why would Kaist fight with Tristan? Why would he beg me to stay too? It would be safe to assume that Kaist was having problems at the royal court. I wished he could have shared his problems with me instead of being vague. It worried me that Kaist was behaving more and more unusual as our wedding day came nearer…

Two days had gone by after that incident, and the day I dreaded – my wedding day - finally came.

The servants woke me up in the wee hours of the morning. I struggled to stay conscious, half asleep and half wishing I could fast forward this day to the day I would be able to divorce Kaist. He wouldn’t possibly go back on his promise to me, won’t he?

“Lady Hurst, your dress is too loose. Maybe we should skip on putting a corset,” the servants remarked. “On second thought though, how would you feel about using a thicker corset? Maybe it’ll help fill in the extra spaces of the dress.”

I nodded and nodded at every suggestion that they threw in, not really paying attention to what they wanted to do. I just wanted to rush this thing and end all of this…

If I could just disappear, things would be much better…

“Lady Dahlia, are you alright,” Lina said, a look of utmost concern flashing across her face.

I smiled weakly at her. “How do I look?”

“Dead… You look like a dead person to me.” She dropped her voice even lower. “Cheer up. I’m sure everything would be fine later on.”

I smiled back again at Lina. Despite the grim circumstance that I was facing, I was glad she was still by my side.

After spending several hours on preparations, I was finally allowed by the servants to look at their finished product in the mirror.

As I look back at the reflection of myself in the looking glass, a stabbing kind of pain seized my chest, and a realization came to me abruptly.

Today was my wedding day, the day I was supposed to give myself to the one I love, but the man I was going to meet would be someone else. I rejected my mate, whom I longed for my whole lifetime, and I traded him for someone who could only make papa happy…

Who am I kidding? I can’t possibly go through with this wedding! I can’t marry someone I don’t love!…

Suddenly, my breathing became labored. I collapsed on a chair, sweating hard and panting.

‘Don’t go,’ I heard Eva scream inside my head. ‘Don’t go to that wedding!’

‘I don’t want to, Eva… I really don’t want to…’

The maids started to panic. Some of them fanned me while another one offered me a glass of water. Only Lina seemed unfazed.

I greedily gulped down the whole glass of water and wiped my mouth at the back of my hands, smearing the red tint on my lips all over my cheeks. I stood from the chair I had collapsed in, and I walked slowly towards the door of my room.

“Lady Hurst, where are you going,” one of the attendants inquired.

“I’m… I’m not doing this…”

A hand landed on my shoulder. “Lady Hurst, let’s think this through -”

“No,” I breathed in, “I can’t do this… I don’t want to do this.”

Before I could get out of the maids’ grasp, the door of my room burst wide open. Papa took two strides towards me and slapped me across the face.

It was a very hard slap that I fell into the floor. My ears and face were stung with pain, and a buzzing sound lingered in my hearing for a while.

When I gazed up to papa, his face looked pained and surprised at the same time. This was the very first time he had used his hand against me.

I couldn’t take it anymore. After ignoring me for days, all he could do was slap me on the day of my forced wedding. My emotions poured out like water. I wept noisily like a baby.

“Everyone, please leave,” papa sternly said. The maids left the room one by one. Lina was the last one to go, looking very reluctant as she was shoved by the head maid outside.

“Dahlly, get up. Please don’t do this.”

I didn’t care at all at what he had said. Papa had finally shown his true colors today! He must have wanted to slap me like this since the day I was born, the day that my mother had lost her life because of me.

He touched my arms, and I flinched. Was he going to slap me again?

It looked like papa was hurt when I moved in an unconscious manner. He held my shoulders once again, this time more gently than before.

“Dahlly, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Stop crying please…”

I struggled to control my tears, but they still fell generously down my face. I tried to subdue my sobs in fear that papa would become violent once again, but it was really difficult.

“Look, Dahlia, everything I do, I do for your own sake… Please understand. You have to wed Kaist. It must be him and no other!”

“Why,” I said, “why can’t I get married to someone else?”

“Dahlia… I made a promise a long time ago… Please understand… I’m only doing this because I want what’s best for you… You know I love you, right?”

Love… It was a big word to use for someone like papa. Did he really love me, or was he using that reason to chain me into the life he had constructed for me?

Every day, I struggled with the idea that I was never a good enough daughter, that my very existence was a shameful one because of my ability. Every day, papa would make me feel that I am not strong enough to do things on my own or that I am never trustworthy enough to make my own decisions. Every day, papa’s rules make it harder and harder to breathe, to hope, and to live a life that was truly mine…

Why did papa’s love feel so stifling? Was love meant to be like this?...

I was still in a daze when papa called the servants back in, and they redid my hair and make-up. I didn’t feel quite like myself even after I was whisked into the carriage and was driven on my way to the Moon Goddess’ shrine at the center of town.

My cheek was still sore. All I could do was look helplessly outside the window.

I didn’t even realize that our carriage had already stopped in the middle of a bridge.