No Time to Heal

My eyes flickered, feeling as if I had had an extraordinarily long dream. My mind was hazy, but when I tried to pull my right arm to touch my face, I realized I was attached to an IV. That's when I realized it wasn't a dream at all. All of the events that had happened swarmed up to my core to the point that I felt sick to my stomach. And that bile stench climbed my throat when I turned to realize the weight on my chest was Kai.

He was sound asleep; his arm was around my middle. His eyes were worn, and he had gotten into bed without changing from his work clothes. Yet just the fact that he was there turned my heart to ice. I wanted to move him. I so desperately wanted to find a way out of the maze I was stuck in, but I didn't have the strength. My body became numb, and my eyelids once again took advantage of the situation.

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"Max."

My name sounded so distant. So far away that it almost didn't seem like it was my own.

"Max!"

I jolted, not knowing how long I had been out, and looked up at at a blurred image of Kai. When my eyes adjusted, I saw that he was holding a plate of scrambled eggs, sausage, and a toast.

"Hey, how are you doing? I made you some breakfast."

Oh, just fine, Kai. Quite dandy. My boyfriend is dead, I found out I may be a Manor, and last but not least, I was shot protecting my original captor but this time we're sharing a cell. Obviously, none of those words came out of my mouth.

"How long have I been out?" I asked, taking the food.

I didn't want to eat. I needed to get up and stay busy, but I knew in order to keep up my strength, I needed sustenance.

"About four days."

"What?!"

The eggs almost popped out of my mouth. It can't be! I just got here...didn't I?

I was agitated. The food didn't matter to me anymore as I plucked out the IV in disgust. I started to get up and that only made my nurse angry.

"Max, you can't just—"

"Watch me," I grunted, swinging my legs over the bed, "the car—"

"Is fine," Kai puffed, holding me in my spot, "I moved it already. I've monitored the cameras daily since you've been out. Nothing has happened, Max, but you need your rest."

I stared into his eyes, seeing his calming nature somehow, someway, made me rethink my intentions. He was right, I needed to rest. Hell, I needed to eat, but I didn't trust that he had done what I had asked in the manner that I required. So, for now...

"Ok," I sighed, turning to pick up the plate, "one I finish this, I'll head out."

"That's not what I—"

"Don't."

That's all I needed. The haze from my eyes was enough to tell Kai that I was serious, and he didn't try to fight me on that. All I heard was a low, "ok", as he turned and left me alone. That's all I needed during this time. I wanted silence. I wanted to be left to my thoughts...because that's the only way we were going to get out of this mess and the only way I'd be able to move forward.

Once I finished, I stood up. The pain was not as severe as it had been, and the blood didn't rush to my head like before either. That alone made all the difference.

I put on some pants and a shirt, looking out toward the living room to see Kai. He was looking out the window toward my makeshift deck. His gaze was solemn...and I questioned why I even cared.

Putting on my shoes, I went over to my computer room to review the cameras. Because I didn't trust him, I reviewed an unedited version of the backups on my own device that Kai did not have access to. But after spending hours reviewing them...nothing was a miss: just as Kai said. The only thing they caught were wildlife and the old man's, Wayne, pickup truck who lived a mile down the road. Scrolling to the house, I did see that the car had been moved from near the large oak tree near the entrance to the home and in front of the garage. Kai was better at this than he thought...but that should be expected from a rich kid who hid a boy in his house without raising any suspicion.

Yet, even knowing this, I found myself moving toward the exit of the bunker. Fresh air, a smoke, and time away from Kai was desperately needed.

"Max?"

I know he was calling me...I know he probably wanted to tell me to sit down or even to talk, but I still climbed my way out of my safety net and into the world of the unknown. I winced as I lifted myself out and back into my forest behind the home.

I took a deep breath, exhaled, and pushed my back into a Douglas Fir. I felt my body sink to the brush beneath me. I took out my cigarette, lit it, and took in a good taste of the tobacco. Leaning my head against the tree, I looked up. The sun's rays peaked at me through the pines, and it reminded me of Roy.

The only reason I ended up buying this place was because of him. At the time, I didn't want to be Roy's husband, but I knew I wanted to make him happy. I suppose in a way I had hoped, even if he had moved on from me, that he would come here and still get the feeling of the fresh mountain air that he desired. He kept talking about retiring in a place where he could wander and get lost in the woods. He grew up in Wisconsin and the outdoors was a big part of his life. The first time I went camping, when it wasn't rucking with the guys for training, was with Roy. Just remembering how he laughed at me after I got frustrated putting up the tent brought a smile to my face. But now...realizing that this would have been ours...that he would've been here in my arms away from it all...made that smile fade.

I wasn't one to cry anymore. I thought that those emotions I had after exhausting myself on Kai had faded. However...this was different. This pain in my chest wasn't because of relief....it wasn't from betrayal...it was the pain of wanting something I could never get back. And that alone is why I found myself outside, pretending to stay busy and check work I knew had already been done.

As the tears came down my cheeks as the reality of a feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time came to the surface.

My reason for living was waning.