From Kai

Max avoided me for weeks. I watched him day in and day out clean and prep his weapons, survey the land, write, draft, and sketch diagrams for plans and run his mind further into a dark void. In the midst of this, I thought about my father. The president hadn't heard from me in so long...and I knew people were looking for me: for us. Having your son last seen with an agent posed a problem for Max and even my dad was indebted to the Manor's, I wanted him to know I was safe. In the very least, I wanted to look at the news to see if Max was framed for it all, but that wasn't allowed. I understood that the agency was compromised and that we could be tracked if we weren't careful, but not knowing and being told to stay mum only made things worse for my psyche. I may not be a trained agent...and I may have hurt him deeply...but I wish he would get out of his rut and be practical.

So, to ease the tension, I made Max food and greeted him until I realized my face was the last thing he wanted to see. My smiles meant nothing to him. My being there began to be a hindrance and that's when I realized he blamed be for Roy...no, for everything...and it tore me up.

I tried to warn Max about going to the Hanor. I knew from the look in Darian's eyes that he wasn't going to let him get away a second time. I never fucking knew or even suspected he would kill Max's lover. Yet, telling Max that would not mend our broken relationship...or dissipate the silence.

At the end of the day, I was to blame for the situation we found ourselves in.

I thought I could repent...I thought that if I explained why I did what I did that he would see me in another light. No, I did not expect him to care for me...or to love me. It was his job to protect me. But...even with all of that...and especially now, I just wished I could hold him. I wanted to tell him that he could blame me, hate me, but to not give up on fighting for another day. I didn't want him to revert back into his shell, to not talk to me, to not voice his anger. I wanted the communication...I wanted to feel like there was a way out of this.

But, even more than that, I wanted Max to be happy...and I wanted that for him more than anything.

Max was "outside" in his makeshift patio smoking. He used cameras to mimic the nightlife of D.C. as he leaned over a rail and watched the moving pictures. He knew I was there but he didn't acknowledge my existence.

I walked closer to him, holding my arm. I, a man, was nervous. I was apprehensive of his actions...of what he would say...what he would do, but I had to try.

"Max...I know you hate me." I started, only to see him not change his glance.

So, I got closer. "I know you wish it was me who died that day."

"Don't."

That was the only word I got out of him at late. But it was enough for him to move up from his position and it allowed me to move in between him and the railing. I wanted him to look at me...I wanted his eyes to pierce my soul. I wanted him to tell me the truth and stop avoiding me.

So, I looked into his eyes, a shiver is dread coming over me. But instead it was tears...hurt, loneliness, and honesty that came out instead.

"I'm sorry, Max. I'm so sorry you lost Roy. I'm sorry that I put you all in danger because I was too weak to stop you. I was too weak, even back then when I tried to stop Darian."

Max dropped his cigarette, disgustingly stomping on it as he glared me down. I thought he was going to hit me. Nothing but rage glinted in his eyes, but instead he laughed. He just brushed back his hair and let out an unbelieving cackle.

"If you want to go back in time, then let me help you. You didn't do a damn thing back then but leave my ass bloodied on the pavement. So, don't you dare fucking start with this bullshit. I've forgiven you, Kai! I fucking forgave you for it and now of all times you're going to bring that shit back up?"

He forgave me? The tears didn't stop...I didn't think that was possible. Yet, regardless if he had or hadn't...he was wrong. That day...I did stand by and watch but it wasn't because I wanted to watch him suffer. The second Max was threatened, I tried to get involved...I tried to get between him and Darian but I was hit forcefully by Rex: another one of his lackies. Rex was larger than me and put me in a choke hold as I stood, bleeding and forced to comply. I just remember my elevated heart rate, my horror, and tears that clouded my judgement. It hurt to say what I said, it tore me to shreds to see him beaten and day after day I wondered what I could have done to escape. What I could have done to rescue him back then...but my fear took the best of me in the end. The gun placed at my head and Max's yells stopped my heart."

"I...I didn't leave you," I gasped, watching his face contort, "I tried to reach you but I was stopped by Rex. I was made to watch...but I'm not saying, looking back, that I wish I had broken free and taken back my words to bear that pain with you."

Max's eyes began to shake at the mention of Rex. Had he forgotten about him? There were four boys that day, one, Rex who was a 20 year old monster of a man who had been held back, was one of them. Yet, the more I looked at Max and saw the angst and confusion in his features, I felt as if he had slowly realized what I said was the truth.

He turned from me, his head down as we sat in silence. I suppose him not talking was a good thing...but I wasn't quite finished with the conversation. I had made up my mind.

"I don't deserve to be here...I am tired of being a hindrance. Most of all, I'm tired of seeing you hurt because of my actions. So...I want you to give me up."

I wiped my eyes, unaware if he even acknowledged me. "I'm going to leave and hitch a ride back into town. I'll give the Manor's proof that you died from your wounds and that way they'll stop hunting you and you can"

I suddenly felt Max's hand on my arm and his head by my ear. He was so quiet, I didn't even notice he had come over to me. His forehead was on point down toward my shoulder and he spoke loud enough for me to hear him talk.

"I did blame you," he started, "and I've hated you for so long that it made me sick."

His words didn't shock me, but what did was the wetness soaking my shirt and what followed. "But don't ask me to do that."

My heart panged at his words. Why...why would you want someone you hate near you?

"I miss him, Kai...I miss him so much and it pains me because I couldn't keep him safe."

I felt his grip tighten, "No matter how strong I am...or how much I've grown and learned, I still can't protect those closest to me."

That's why he was upset...he was afraid of the frail boy. He was afraid of the haint. Yet, all I did was put my hands in his hair to comfort him. I didn't want him to feel that way.

"But, you walking away like that," he said, looking my in the eyes, "would only solidify my failures. And I promised you I'd make them pay, Kai. I'll make them pay for the both of us...and for Roy."

"So, I apologize," he continued, as I dried his tears with my hands, "for being off-putting and for being angry. I was angry at myself and at the circumstances, but-"

"I don't blame you."

It wasn't planned. I didn't plan to kiss him then but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. So much relief came over me, with sorrow, and realism that I didn't know how else to show Max that what he said truly mattered. Yet, when I realized my mistake and knowing he had lost his lover not too long ago, I decided to pull away. But, Max held onto me a little longer. It was within those minutes as we held each other that I thought maybe there was hope for us. That maybe the dreams we had as kids to be married and sleep safely in each others arms could be a reality, but that thought faded as he put his hands on my sides and pulled away.

His face was red from his emotions but his eyes told me he couldn't go back. So, I was forced to watch him go and not be by his side.

When I went to bed, I was surprised to hear him next to me. He had slept on the couch ever since his wounds healed, but now he was back by my side. Max came over by me and it was his arm across my waist and warmth on my back that comforted my thoughts.

No, we weren't the same...we would never be, but I still loved him and some part of him cared about me.

That alone was enough.