Musings

I don't know. Do I have the ability to lead and build my own business?

We talked until nightfall. When the café closed, we went home. Victor gave me the advice to think about it more seriously.

On the way home, while riding a motorcycle, my mind wandered everywhere. Why think of Victor's advice? There's nothing I need to do.

I realized building a business was not like we wanted to cook in the kitchen for ourselves, which could use makeshift ingredients and be whatever important food could be eaten. It's not like that. Building a business is more complicated. Victor could say it and advise me to do it may be because he had already started his own business for real. Does he mean to provide additional capital for me? That's impossible.

I admit I've thought about it before. I made up the need for that effort to materialize. After doing so, I became worried about many things. I don't have any capital or capital support. For the step to build the business smoothly, I should have cash that makes the step safe. I'm minus that. Then, the second problem is about coworkers, let's assume I'm hiring staff. What can I promise them?

If I want to build a professional relationship, then I should take care of them by giving them a fixed salary per month. Well, back to the first issue, I'm minus in terms of financial capital. Besides, I have personality issues. I realized that I had a strange personality. I don't think anyone will be willing to work with me, as rude as my staff. This is the downside of being in solitude. It's hard to believe that there's someone I can trust. I don't know where to start to get along.

I concluded that working alone was best for me. I don't have to worry about salaries for the staff. I just need to manage my time, do everything in a predetermined time and follow a predefined disciplinary system. Could it be that I'm too arrogant?

Seriously, I just don't want to disappoint anyone else. If someone works with me, shouldn't I be able to take care of them as well? Just taking care of myself, I'm overwhelmed. How could I take care of someone else?

I can't!

I'm just going to be sigma! Being the best for yourself is my goal!

Do you know what a sigma female is? A woman who will confidently build herself, live alone but has clear goals so that she can use the time to be more productive every day. I will also make myself better every day.

Strange, why do I feel there's something wrong with the way I think now? After talking to Victor, I felt shaky. It seemed like Victor managed to stir up my composure with his question. Is it possible to build a company? As Victor said, I only need to recruit two or three people. Leave the project I got to them and then I focus on getting clients.

Drizzle. Fuck! I need to be quick. I don't like having to wear rain protection while driving.

Arriving at the Kos, I still thought of Victor's advice. When washing my face, I imagined successfully building a small business with several people as staff. I managed to make a stable income and that also made them happy because their salaries dropped on time.

That pleasant shadow quickly turned into a pitiful shadow as I brushed my teeth. I can't maintain that small business. It only lasted a few months and I've lost clients because of unguarded quality, not to mention there are internal conflicts that I can't find a solution to.

I don't like having a conflict with other people. I've had a lot of inner conflicts, which is why I've been staying away from conflicts with other people. I minimize interaction with others because conflict with internal problems alone has exhausted me.

I sighed. Get out of the bathroom with a mixed mind. I dropped my body into bed. Imagined the interior design of Ecology Cafe. The nuances of success feel strong there. Some customers also seem to be successful people who will not be reluctant to spend any money in that café. Am I jealous of Victor?

Maybe.

I covered my face. Close my eyes. I wish I had more capital. If my income hadn't been interrupted, what would I have done? Is it possible that I've built my own small business? Could it now be able to build a network of freelancers, create a headquarters for freelancers to work and acquire clients, to the extent that they have a steady income? Could I?

If I'm desperate to build it, there's no guarantee it will work.

That night, my dream told me I was overthinking. I shouldn't regret my decision. I made the right decision. Why would I be that? Because I dream of seeing myself. I saw my hair whitening. Long and white. When I wake up, I think about my dreams. Dreams are not just sleeping flowers. There was something that was said by me that was in my dream. I believe I can take certain data related to my life path from the dreams I experience.

About the dream of seeing yourself, long hair, and white. The interpretation, the dream, says that I've made the right decision. I just have to be patient. If there's a wish I haven't realized right now, I can think about it later after the mission given to me is now complete. I could have started a business housing freelancers as Victor suggested when I was 40. At that time, since I had plenty of time to cultivate my abilities and manage my emotions, I might have been more mature to build a business and protect employees.

I don't think I'm a business leader. I'm still immature. I need more experience, especially in building relationships. Relationships with employees and with clients cannot be made without knowledge. Experience will provide knowledge and references on how to solve problems that can occur in the relationship of work as a boss and employee.

After pondering, I decided not to think about it anymore. If it were ten more years, it turned out that I still had the passion to build the business I imagined today, maybe then I would have taken it seriously. Now, I have serious things to get done first. Right, I better improve my skills and network first. In the meantime, I will collect data on, the weaknesses and advantages of being a freelancer. Who knows, this could be published as a guidebook for a new generation hoping to live off being a freelancer, whatever field of work they're interested in. Doesn't everyone need a solution to their problems?

I calmed down after getting a solution in the meantime. I think this solution will be a long-term solution.

I got out of bed, opened the window, and saw that the front yard of my room was illuminated by the sun. I saw the timer on my phone. It's 7 a.m. It's time to prepare, what should I do today?

I opened the notebook. Before I went to see Victor, I made a list of things to do for today. I read them one by one. After that, for me to be better prepared to work from home, I started preparing myself. As always, it starts with brushing my teeth, making tea, and preparing breakfast. Usually, toast. I make toast with Teflon. I don't have fancy facilities, just simple facilities that are used as much as possible. A Teflon can be used for sautéing, frying, and now for baking bread. Isn't my life better than the people who live on the banks of the river? So why worry about the lack?

I have a safe place to live. I also have a stable job and income. More than that, I don't have to worry about health, because I take good care of myself. So, focusing on the present is best. The present will determine the future. If I overreact to Victor's advice too much, I might ruin the things I've built. I just have to do it slowly. It doesn't matter if in the end, I don't build a company. That means I'm not fit to be the owner of the company.