Unlucky in Love

Oh, that's right, I'm unlucky in love.

I remembered something I shouldn't remember early in the morning. Why did I forget to ask Victor why he just left after kissing me? Do my lips feel so bad that he should just walk away without telling me, he loves me or not? What does that kiss mean?

why should I think about that too?

Victor may have forgotten what he did. He didn't consider it important. It's different for me because it was the first kiss of my entire life. I have to repay him!

Yes, he had my first kiss. After him, no other man kissed me.

The person who did it was a friend since childhood. People I never thought would do. I don't think he's ever been interested in me like that. Because, all I know, he was attracted to other girls during school. He expressed interest in A, in B, and more. The girls have a very different appearance than me. On average they are beautiful, have long hair, slim bodies, and how they walk like models. Contrary to them, I'm tomboyish, tend to be indifferent to appearances, and quiet. I'm not interested in being invited to travel to tourist attractions or other vacation spots. That's because I don't have time to do it. I'm always busy taking care of my sister or working part-time.

Since high school, I've been working part-time. Why can't I set up my own business so far? At least a food stall or just Angkringan. There was nothing left of my efforts all this time.

I'm done baking bread. I put it on the table that also became my desk. A lesehan table at the boarding house. I saw my sister in class. She should go to school online now because Covid-19 is also changing the learning system. She could have been going to school from home, Purworejo, but it would have caused another financial problem. I had to send money for data purchases and data usage for online schools wasn't enough for just 10 GB. I heard, learning using the Zoom app takes up a lot of data quotas.

I also want to be free from the vibrations of my house. It seemed beautiful, but maybe because I was mentally hurt the place for others was even sultry for me. I feel comfortable living in Yogyakarta, where I can write, meet friends. I can enjoy a little freedom here. Being able to be away from my parents made me know myself and also recognize my responsibilities more clearly.

I want to live alone comfortably, writing fiction until it produces millions of copies. Unfortunately, this year, it can't be realized because my sister came to Jogja, living in a room with me. She must get wi-fi facilities so that her college is smooth. Therefore, I rented a boarding room that provides wi-fi facilities. I have long imagined living in an apartment, lowering the standard by choosing a boarding house that provides wi-fi facilities, a shared kitchen, refrigerator, and an en suite bathroom, there will also be people who take care of the trash. The price can still be tolerated by my financial condition, it's already better than my old residence. That's why I can also be proud to be able to take myself to a better level of life. I got myself out of the slum.

Honestly, I worked hard because I didn't want to suffer any setbacks. I want my life to be better. I want to see my version and all the things I have become better than me and all the things I have before. Therefore, I never seriously paid attention to my attraction to the opposite sex. If there's anything I like, I'll first evaluate my current condition and that person's vibration. If I feel a bad vibration from that person, I will step aside and not choose him as a partner.

I want someone compatible with me. Someone who can be a partner, encourage and support my work. Because after getting married, I'm still going to work, I want to have no income. I feel like I always have to be prepared for the worst.

It was the lessons of my social environment that gave me the idea that I still had to earn. You can't rely on your husband's finances. I will work, my husband will also work or develop his own business. If I knew what his focus and life were about, I planned to support him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to quit my job. Who knows what will happen in the future? Who knows the human heart? Someone could change. Today is attracted to me and likes to dare to die for me, but tomorrow he may be willing to die for another woman. Then, we'll separate. I don't like to imagine being separated from my husband with no money at all.

Why doesn't anyone dare to live for me?

Unmarried couples can separate. Those who are married can also separate. Mostly because of economic problems. Then, women who are separated from their husbands and do not earn their own become languishing. Many are condemned for leaving a husband who will be responsible for financial problems.

I don't want that to happen to me. I decided to be independent, financially and personally. I want my life companion to be someone I can support and also support me to achieve certain goals.

So, with that thought, I built myself up. Sometimes I have an interest in the opposite sex. On a whim, I'm dating them just to find out if I need them?

Too bad, I'm unlucky in love. None of them made me feel like I needed them. That I can't live without them. Nothing makes me feel complete so that if he's gone, there will be something empty in my life. None. Meeting them made me even more convinced that being alone was the best. They stress me out. Generally, because the brand lifestyle doesn't suit me.

However, seeing Victor again stung me in the past. My heart was pounding fast and his lips that landed on my lips felt warm again. It feels like it happened a few seconds ago. I can't forget the taste of that kiss.

It was awesome. Last night I was able to talk to him normally. Our conversation also went well.

The nostalgic flowers seemed to disturb my sanity. I touched my lips, biting the bottom. The taste of cheese toast becomes richer in flavor. There's a sense I've been forgetting. I tasted it in a very short time. Is it because my mind is fooling me? Maybe my hormones intentionally created this strange taste in my lips. I couldn't help but smile.

Could I love him?

Not! It must be just that kiss trap. I can't forget it because it was my first kiss and he was my best friend since childhood. I can't hate him because he gives me so much joy. Even if he did that to me, I still smiled when I saw him again. Am I stupid? Stupid for a kiss?

If this were a romance fiction story, I would ask the author to clarify this feeling. Bring me happiness with people who are compatible with me. If that person is Victor, then, please give him to me.

I need that person, a compatible person to enter my world. If anything, I will also do my best to help build his world.