The Suffering of a Psychopath Pt. 2

(Continuation from Last Chapter's Forum Post)

shyni

·2h

ASPD

Do some sociopaths have to "turn off the empathy switch"? Wow, what a bummer. I always thought all sociopaths didn't even have a choice to "turn it on" from my experiences with this disorder.

skitzy29

OP·1h

It can be selective, and psychopaths can't turn it on, but sociopaths have a switch for it. Psychopaths have a cognitive empathy switch, but not emotional.

Edit: sociopaths and psychopaths are different when it comes to empathy and emotions, but psychopaths have nothing while sociopaths have little

PinkVanillaBedLinen

·17h

The issue with narcissism is we don't have the same sort of empathy atypicals do. We just can't turn it on and off (if only) because we never had it, at least in a mature state, to begin with. Some will say you can feel basic empathy at a cognitive level, but I'm self-taught to exhibit it artificially. - it doesn't work that way for me.

You have insight into your past behaviours and their effect on others - this is also good. It shows some remorseful elements. You also have the motivation to change, which is excellent. I think your significant difficulty is that you don't actually have a fantastic therapist to help you make sense of your questions surrounding your disorder.

Therapists shouldn't cause a power imbalance between you by saying you are 'too smart for him.' This is just an ego stroke because he doesn't know how to handle you. And his comment to your father also indicates that he just doesn't understand you either.

I would try again with an experienced therapist - try a female, someone of the opposite sex or even ethnicity, to push you into a potentially new perspective. I would also ask them to take a fresh look at your diagnosis.

skitzy29

OP·16h

I guess I'm not a sociopath, but with a disorder that mimics it. and was convinced by my psychiatrist and my family that I am a sociopath. Now I kinda feel bad for what I did. I've been willing to change for a long time because I needed their emotional validation.

Thanks for telling me this! Although the problem is, behind their backs, I never change, and it's hard no matter how hard I do my best. Because I love being "bad" because of the self-pleasure it gives me.

pay the homeless

·13h

There is so much to unpack here that I kinda don't know where to start. What is your overall goal throughout this therapy?

skitzy29

OP·2h

At first, I was depressed, and I used to be one of those edgy kids who self-diagnosed because of getting bullied throughout high school with my obsession with knives, and I tend to have homicidal ideations that go too far.

Except that I started to become unstable because of always bringing knives and everyone thinking I was a threat to society and myself. My psychiatrist admitted me to the mental rehab and had me stay there for a month and always pretend to be a good boy to my parents.

So they could let me go outside due to always having my parents lock me up because of my psychopathic tendencies going extreme in my behaviour. I was diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, then DID, then ASPD. Next is Schizophrenia through multiple assessments through drawings, Q and A sheets, and more.

My parents locked me up inside my own house even though I'm an adult. Once I pretend to be a good boy for a month and ask them to give me one last chance. They let me out, and I did something really extreme once I got outside on the first day.

They lock me up again and so on and so on. The cycle repeats, never stopping. Until my dad decided to get tired of getting manipulated by my good charming little goodie two shoes as a daddy's/mama's boy and lock me up no matter what I say or what I do. I wanted to be willing to change because I wanted to go back outside and do some nasty shit, like smoking weed and being a considerable alcoholic and party.

I have a grey area between wanting to change consciously and subconsciously, wanting to fuck shit up by doing my extreme behaviour as usual, but planning ahead on how not to get caught again just like always.

So it might not be because I feel remorse for what I did. It was because of the punishment of being locked up inside my own house for years now...

One moment I want to go outside and tell my dad I want to study, finish college and get a PhD in psychology and have a stable job, life, wife and kids.

But I never commit to my goals. They usually change or sometimes become unrealistic, like joining the army just for the sake of killing people, but I'm too mentally unstable to join.

One time I thought of another long term goal, and by the end, all I wanted was to go outside just for fun because I hadn't gone outside just to have my self-pleasure with my old gangster friends in the fraternity.

It's really tough which dissociative self I have. Am I a good person as an empath or someone with remorseless narcissistic psychopathy? I don't get it. I don't know who I am anymore.

skitzy29

OP·23m

I think I'm starting to understand myself better after so much research on how to turn off my empathy. It's basically my intolerance with stupid Gen Z kids when I help them become more competent. Still, they refuse because they're so narcissistic and self-entitled, not in a psychopathic way but in a lack of common-sense way, as well as I have so much cognitive empathy towards every one of my friends.

Still, tbh I never felt affective empathy at all in my whole life. All I cared about was myself. Unless I see other people in my own shoes from my past, I do my best to help them, not because I feel their pain but because I see them as my old self-suffering.

So, I give them all my advice and do my best to help them, but when they let their depression swallow and overwhelm them, refusing to listen to my advice and acting pathetic, I become a complete asshole and cut them off from my life because it's so draining.

I care about my pet dogs, family, and myself as affectionately as my friends and girlfriend, but I never feel emotional empathy towards them. After seeing forum posts about empathy switches, I learned that it can't be turned off to be convenient as that. It's not how it works.

Basically, they feel cognitive empathy for those they see in other people, such as their inner child who wants to protect children from the abuse they received from their abusers as a child that caused their sociopathy. But they don't really care about other painful things they have never felt.

It's fascinating to learn so much from other sociopath's experiences that they really do have emotions. And it's not some edgy creepypasta teen bullshit like half of this sub forum that thinks sociopathy and psychopathy are quirky and special like one of those alt kids. This is some deep shit. I really went down to a rabbit hole in madness.

It really inspires me to go back to writing books again. Because I was arrogant and narcissistic ever since my first publication of my books just to get poorly criticised as a first time published author and killed my entire ego. Thank you to all those who are in this sub forum! You made me learn so much that I knew more about myself, except for those who act like assholes for the sake of wanting to be a fake psychopath. I respect you all for such replies!

Edit: I feel their pain cognitively, though, but still, I don't want them to go the path I used to go that made me like this. I'm a socio, starting to get enlightened about my self-improvement throughout the years.