I Never Change, Do I?

I went outside of the front door and exited out of the grey gate of the house. And then, I wore dad's earphones as soon as he came back inside and had myself far enough for him not to see me stealing it.

Then, I turned on my phone, played Channel X after putting both EarPods into my ears and then the intro sounded like an actual radio station.

"This is Channel X, and we're bringing you some stuff that you won't normally hear on other radio stations. So, go fuck yourself! *punk-metal music plays*."

I started to travel to Guagua Town on foot since I didn't have any money to pay for a jeepney ride. Although it only takes 2 kilometres away, it's not that far.

Then, I started bobbing my head slightly while listening to the fast-paced music titled "Subliminal by Suicidal Tendencies".

* * *

As soon as I reached Guagua through McArthur Highway of San Juan Bautista. I finally made it to San Roque and headed to the plaza of Guagua Town. Plaza is what we call a town square in the Philippines. Inside the plaza was a vast park with palm trees surrounding it, grass on some areas, and pavement floors.

And in the centre of the park was some kind of small brick-made open house. Its structure had a roof with no windows but had no walls but the posts that supported each hexagon's pointed side. But it also had terraces on each side and outside of the decks had benches made out of solid wood painted in shining, waxed dark brown paint.

I could sit here for a while so I could smoke a cigarette, but instead, I continued walking to the outskirts of Guagua Town to Santo Nino, where the poor and the public markets and dark-skinned kids play around. And I can't believe how many crowds I've seen in the outside world today, comparing the times during the pandemic with my father.

Everyone was celebrating. I heard karaoke everywhere, everyone was drinking. And I thought I could at least try to celebrate with the others of my relatives. Maybe drink just once. And not let my father know. And here, I just realised how I never changed. And realised that my alter identity that I thought was genuinely being a good daddy's boy was just all fake, a masquerading facade just to gain his trust and just break it all over again in just one day. I never change. Do I?

It's true when my psychiatrist told me that psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists can't change. And I thought I finally learned my lesson from those many hellish years trapped inside a house and one month of being tortured inside a mental rehab that was more of a mental asylum for the criminally insane. The rehab advertised to help the mentally ill, but the staff and nurses there abused the patients there physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally for absolutely no reason. And I was raped there as well. Which really fucked my brain up ever since.

I'm glad it was just a month of hell. There was no internet. You're not allowed to enjoy anything at all, which when you feel happy, they will write it down as a symptom of mania even if you just laughed at a simple joke the staff told you.

They are manipulative and abusive crazy people. I feel bad for the patients. There was this one pure, innocent retard that was an old man with a baby face that acted like a complete child, where the staff and nurse take it as an advantage to mentally torture him, as well as emotionally. Despite how crazy they are, they are still human, and I feel bad for them.

Yet, I don't feel bad for my failed attempt to murder the staff that raped me. I told the doctor that they raped me, but the team told my doctor I was delusional. PURE BULLSHIT! And my doctor believed him! They even recorded videos of it too. Stupid shits!

Later on, after a few walks away. I finally made it to the outskirts of town. Then, I headed into a vast dirty and almost rusty green gate wherein once you enter inside, you will see an entire neighbourhood and the old parking lot where my cousins used to play is full of tall grass and graffiti now.

And there's no pavement nor a floor whatsoever. Nothing green and clean but sand and dirt all over. I walked inside just to accidentally bump into the wrong house for a dog to bark at me loudly where it sort of frightened me, but I felt alright.

I walked to the small gate painted in light grey and knocked onto it. Beyond it, I see an open house with no doors at all, which you usually find in a Philippine neighbourhood for those who can't afford to renovate a home. It's a very hospital place where my Granda once mentioned it's open and welcome for everyone. She's a good grandmother who spoils me with coffee and money each time I visit without asking. But she never wants to give me cigarettes, but my uncles do.

I took off my earphones and placed them around my neck to not fall off.

The dog started barking, and I knew the only way to calm her down. She used to chase me off away from the neighbour to the point I got lost in the public markets due to its huge maze inside once. Well, a few times. Maybe too many times as a young child once.

Then, my Grandma Pelly shouted that I could come inside. I opened the gate and calmed the dog down by calling her name.

"Sarsa, Sarsa. Calm down." I said kindly, and she stopped barking. After closing it, I walked beyond the gate, where it led to a short alleyway in the wide-open house. The windows didn't even have any glass or something to close them.

I walked inside, and my Grandma asked, "How are you, Klei? What made you come here today?"

"My dad told me I can go outside now. Remember the last time he came here to pick me up when he kicked me out?"

"Oh, yes! I remember. You got vaccinated?"

"No, I already got fully vaccinated,, but he still didn't let me like he always promised. The reason was because the pandemic is over, Grandma."

"Oh, I see. Here." she went to the pocket of her apron, expecting she'd give me money.

"Oh, no. Thanks. I don't need it." I said, pretending to be modest, but deep inside, I really want that money more than I actually need it.

"No, it's okay. You're our special guest." She gave me 200 pesos. For me, this is already a lot. I could buy one pack of expensive red cigarettes and 2 cups of large brewed coffees from the convenience store. The cheapest only cost 25 pesos. I could buy some stuff for myself with this money.

"Thank you, Grandma. You're the best." I said as I took the money.

"Do you also want coffee? I'll make you one." she offered.

"No, I'll make one myself. You don't have to exhaust yourself for me, Grandma." Again, humbly I told her. But in my mind, she doesn't know how to make my own type of coffee, which is black and barely hot. And I don't want her to really do that for me. I feel a bit of shame for that.

So, I went into the dirty kitchen and made one cup of black coffee by myself with lukewarm coffee. I chugged it and made another, then another. And last one. Then, I felt so much adrenaline speed.

She grinned at me for drinking too much. But dad would let me have as much coffee and cigarettes as I want as my own rule for going outside by myself. Well, that's because he doesn't know. He usually buys me one cup of coffee each time we go outside as an extra and a bonus cigarette stick for going outside.

Since it's a detailed arrangement for me to come with him if he doesn't want me to escape and run away from home again when he goes outside. It's the only reason for me to go outside with him. Otherwise, I don't really like going outside with my father at all. I just wanted coffee and cigarettes.

I started to feel hyperactive to the point I couldn't control my words and actions anymore, making me look like a schizophrenic in his psychotic episode, but in a fun way.