The Selfish Gas Lighter

It was the 14th of February 2022. Both of us were listening to Menhera-inspired Vocaloid music into one YouTube Playlist. Basically titled as "menhera Vocaloid playlist." I'd recommend listening to it if you're a closet NEET who has nothing else better to do in his life. Otherwise, a type of music to help you cope with a mental breakdown.

Basically, "It's my mental breakdown, and I get to choose my music." Type of stuff you'd see in comment sections of glitch core and hyper pop music.

With that being said, we were sharing the same earPods from left to right. She seems to be dozing away from reality into her mind space of impossible quantum physics while I did the same. Except that she was sedated as usual with her new meds ever since COVID struck her until she finally got well.

I went into a mental breakdown when I heard she had COVID the same day as we finally met in real life. Not because I knew I might be infected due to the fast transmission. I was more worried for her health. I don't want to lose her.

She was always too clingy, co-dependent, with abandonment issues, and demanded my attention. And would throw tantrums of a nuisance when I ignore her for a few seconds in chats. She shows this borderline personality she has.

A cluster type of mental disorder where she is beyond limerent and no treatment is effective doctors call it Borderline Personality Disorder. And shows red flags of PTSD. But the same triggers won't mind her or either that. She just gets under a state of stress from good to bad really quick into a panic attack for no reason.

There are times she's madly in love with me. There are half of the moments she legitimately hates me. She would either care too much or be remorseless about how I feel from one psychopathic self to the next sweet pumpkin munchkin. If you compare her with Yuno Gasai from The Future Diary show, she is much more unstable and doesn't care who she would threaten to kill.

Even if it was her boyfriend, she obsesses over it. There would be times she would legitimately threaten to kill herself when I didn't reply. Sometimes she would use this as an advantage for my attention. There are times she's serious and would actually do it.

Regardless, I understand why she is like this, and it's not her fault for having a condition she can't control; thus, she has to drink her medicines for it.

And I want her to get well and would do my best to give her as much love and affection as I can no matter the circumstance and help her understand her actions to take accountability for. I would give her small reality checks from time to time that won't hurt her too much just for her to be self-aware of her actions to turn her into a healthier-minded person.

Because I love and care about her too much more than anyone or you would know. I want for her betterment. But there are times where sometimes I wish she would never change. But a relationship has to be healthy to keep track of the love train. Otherwise, it will crash into oblivion, then next into nothingness.

Despite how much it hurts me from what she doesn't intentionally say because of her borderline personality of madness and the incarnation of insanity. I would definitely still be willing to stay, no matter how many times my friends warned me not to be with her any longer. Because I'm an understanding boyfriend, I would do my best to help her and treat her. She is human, too, after all.

But there are times she's not human-like. That one time, she bit my lip so hard and sucked on my blood, which I find very kinky, to be honest.

After she dozed off to sleep, I went to her bedroom's balcony to get some fresh air and smoke for a bit. But until the food delivery came, I headed downstairs to pay for it and took my triple shot espresso. Usually, caffeine is bad for any mental health condition, but I couldn't care less. It's my only way to cope.

Espresso Cures Depresso.

Then I felt a very heavy hug from behind. It was her, Sakura… what are you doing? She is sleepwalking again. Whenever she sleepwalks, she would come looking for me and cuddle with me when I stay away from her for too far when she sleeps to the point where she would find me outside of her own billion-peso mansion and find me in the city of Angeles City.

The scariest part is that she has so many abandonment issues where I literally have to be with her physically 24/7. I left for one second just to go to the bathroom. She would go crazy. Which is the best thing I love about her, even though I know I have to do something about it just for her own sake. And not just for my personal space.

However, the demon inside me was still beyond unstable, more than I am actually sane myself.

"Think about it, and will it happen. So mote it be." -Thana.

I spent the whole day writing while Sakura kept clinging to me while sitting on my lap as I kept typing fast on my computer. Telling the tale in my google docs how I managed to calm Vayne down, the demon inside me. By making a truce with Vayne and keep visualising her getting better by using my spiritual tendrils to pull out all of her insanities from her soul and breathe the air of sanity into her soul.

I kept practising to do the same process for my demon's mental stability. I breathe all of my energy that is all good and remove her craziness. As soon as she did. She screamed from the top of her non-existent lungs inside her spirit. Where her shouts yelled out all of her negative energies to the point of numbness as she fell down onto the floor of oblivious emptiness inside the host's mind.

I sang the melodies of good vibes that drained all of my mental and emotional energy to share half-half of the body's energy as one person. She finally got completely stable, but it will not work if I believe it did not work. I have to keep visualising that she is stable to be sane. So both parties in one body turn normal. So much for a split personality. And this was all for Vayne, for now…

But for Sakura, physical issues are physical means while spiritual issues are spiritual means. So it cannot work for her.

My brother doesn't buy into my manifestation bull crap, but it actually works for me. This is actually the basis of Chaos Magick in witchcraft. Normal people just rather call it The Law of Attraction, but it's actually a lesser form of black magick.

Such as using makeup to dazzle the imaginations of men. From my occult studies, that's called lesser black magick. Where the fallen angels had taught humanity ever since the book of Genesis.

I spent the entire day working until Vayne's insanity finally dissipated, where she turned from a demon into an angel. Her voice was much calmer and more serene, smoother, and angelic. Rather than her high pitched overly excited screeches most of the time.