Once Won't Hurt, Will It?

Then, my eyes stared at the wall, my mind went into a comatose, my body paralyzed. While all awake at the same time. I went thoroughly catatonic as my brain went dissociated.

There, I had enough of her. It's a good thing she's leaving. I didn't need her, anyway. But deep inside, I know I still love her, even if she never truly loved me.

So, I asked my father to buy me Red Bull and a pack of cigarettes as I sent him GCash money. So, he went outside.

Then, I took out my penknife, then while alone. I started to shout at imaginary people. Those people are everyone who had wronged me my whole entire life and began stabbing them repeatedly and shouting more curse words.

Then, when I finally calmed down. I played "The Happy Song" by Poets of The Fall.

"You know, I'm a psycho~ I told you I'm a psycho~ Cuz really I'm a psycho, psycho~ WHY WHY WHY WHY~ By Schizophrenia, ya know I'm gonna get ya~ PSYCHO PSYCHO PSYCHO YEAH!!!" I sang over and over.

My mind became more dissociated. And my dopamine started to rise as I began to shout again and repeatedly stab imaginary people of the ones who've made me this way, cursing more and more. Then, I snapped back to reality, well barely, once my father returned and returned myself to everyday. And finally, my mask of sanity is worn again.

As soon as he gave me the Red Bull and the cigarettes. I asked him if I could go outside today. He told me I could do whatever I wanted for the day. I earned it by doing my best to recover from my psychotic tendencies when he doesn't know I have a manic mental breakdown.

I headed outside wearing my red fedora, black shorts, and red shirt. I put on my headphones, listening to Metallica's song Enter Sandman, and hit the road by calling GrabTaxi. Specifically, I wanted a motorcycle, so I waited.

And once he came. I hopped on and told him to drive me all the way to Guagua Town, telling him I would hire him for the entire day to ride me wherever I wanted to go. He told me he might have other passengers that would call him, and I told him I would pay double for every ride.

I spent the whole day overdosing on caffeine as I indulged in Mountain Dew, Starbucks Espresso Shots, Monster Energy Drinks. And the next thing I knew, I ran out of breath and instantly woke up in the ICU of a hospital.

"THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!" I shouted. For some reason, I was excited to die. The best way to die for me is to overdose on something that will make me feel good, but it's not caffeine. I want to feel highly sedated in the process and definitely not cyanide.

They kill too fast, and it probably sounds uncomfortable. But overdosing on Xanax, Valium, Rivotrill. A bit of Quetiapine mixed with Risperdal and Zoloft laced in Prozac while breathing out my last weed smoke. Cross faded with GSM Blue (Gin/Ginebra San Miguel) with "shot shots of vodka" (haha, I'm so funny) in it together in one big pitcher. Then pour all the Death Wish coffee together. ***I WAS NOT SPONSORED BY ANY OF THESE PRODUCTS. THEY ARE JUST REFERENCE, DO NOT DEMONETISE ME, YOUTUBE, OR WHOEVER MY PUBLISHER IS***.

And that would probably be the worst way to die for me. But always remember, the worst highs are the ones you can't feel or are not aware of. Especially if you're high on a mental episode.

"Are you gonna lock me up again, dad?" I asked my crying father.

"No. It's okay, Klei." He answered, "As long as you don't do trouble for society. Make trouble for yourself next time. I'm not going to help you because like you said. You're an adult, you're responsible for what you do and not me. Remember?"

He said these concerned but at the same time, seemingly as if he doesn't care. But he's like that all the time. He hates showing his true feelings, or he probably has a point and teaches me a life lesson that I will never listen to, anyway. I hopped off the hospital bed, but the nurse came in and told me to lie down. I have to stay here for a while.

I threw tantrums as if I was emotionally immature, but not in a childish way, more like some adult Karen who can't get what she wants. But not in a rude manner like Karens, who demands the manager. It is more like a desperate cry for help not to keep me in; otherwise, they have to give me ten cigarettes a day.

But the hospital staff refused but insisted on giving "gums?" instead. I don't need any stupid gum! I need my smokes! That's the only time I demanded. Also, I demanded coffee because I would get bad withdrawals, not just the nicotine.

They gave me decaf instead, which pissed me off. It tastes terrible.

So, I escaped the hospital where it turns out, a particular type of dextrose was the only thing keeping me alive for now, temporarily at least. As soon as I jumped out the window to escape, I passed out but got knocked out mid-air. Fell down and broke my neck.

Just kidding.

Anyway, I fell down and definitely did not get paralyzed, more like a minor bruise because my room was on the ground floor.

I was taken back in the hospital bed inside my room and was restrained onto the bed and can only take it off if I call a nurse to go to the bathroom. GODDAMMIT!!!

I was screaming hysterically like a mental ward patient under the strapped bed, and they injected me with the maximum dose of Propofol in a syringe, and I fell fast asleep. I woke up the next day discharged to leave. That was fast.

It turns out they did surgery on me, which is the reason for the sedative syringe, and not because I was acting aggressive or hostile, or anything really. But I was given a warning to never come back here again.

I was no longer allowed to drink any caffeinated foods and drinks anymore. Not even cigarettes. So, I just felt like shit, but the gum they gave me tasted a bit funny that helped me with my nicotine cravings. I didn't know what it was.

Usually, the gum I buy from the store doesn't satisfy my cravings for ciggies. But this one works. It's so special. But I definitely was not addicted to this gum. Even my caffeine addiction was gone with the week. The problem is I craved dopamine and adrenaline. Something to get me hooked and high.

So I was restless walking down the public market streets where I found all the drug addicts lying down in puddles passed out intoxicated with heroin. But then, I started to get cluster migraine attacks again.