Chapter 11: Let's Go To A Carnival

“Do I look fabulous, or do I look fabulous?” Serena squealed, coming downstairs in her Halloween costume design. She designed a stunning outfit inspired by the movie Grease. She’s the perfect combination of the T-Birds and the Pink Ladies. “I look fabulous! No reason to hear it from anyone else.”

I got outranked when we were discussing the Halloween carnival.

Derek, Seth, and Serena were thrilled to try and meddle in my feelings for Wes. There may not be any feelings. For all I know, the exhaustion of not sleeping much this month has led me to think absurd thoughts.

The kids all wanted to go to the carnival before Wes got himself involved with planning a scheme. Planning a scheme with my siblings! Wes is doing things with my siblings without me.

This is my worst nightmare.

Wes agreed to come to my house before going to the carnival. Originally, he offered to drive some of the kids in his car, but I don’t want to trust anybody with their lives.

My kids need to always be in my sight. I don’t trust the world around us. Eric thinks that because I never trusted anyone growing up, I can’t trust people now. However, I trust my family.

***

Jasper met us at the entrance of the carnival. Oliver jumped on his back the second he saw Jasper approaching.

“I’m taking these three into the house of mirrors. Adios!” Jasper exclaimed, taking off with Oliver, Seth, and Serena.

I don’t worry about Seth and Serena too much. They are old enough to know right from wrong and to always be mindful of their surroundings. However, I can see a scenario in my head of Seth taking the controls of a ride and getting himself and his sister kicked out of the carnival.

“Do not let them out of your sight!” I shouted after him. “And he’s gone,” I sighed. “If he loses a single one of my kids, then I’m going to lose my mind.”

Ariel started tugging on Wes’ arm because he was holding her hand to make sure she doesn’t go running off. “Can we go ride the pumpkins? I want to sit in a pumpkin.”

Wes looked to me for the answer. I smiled at Ariel, “sure. Come on!"

Wes and I each held on to one of Ariel’s hands as we walked through the carnival.

We came to the carnival at the perfect time of day. The sun was setting, creating a spectacular orange hue in the sky. All the Halloween-inspired booths, decorations, and even people in costume were creating the perfect atmosphere for the kids to have fun.

Part of me feels bad that Wes is essentially here to play babysitter alongside Jasper and me. He doesn’t seem to mind, since he’s currently smiling holding Ariel in his arms while we’re waiting online for the ride she wants. It’s the spinning teacups, but the teacups are pumpkins.

“I’m glad you and your siblings decided to come,” Wes said, as I looked around to catch a glimpse of my other kids. “Try not to worry too much. I’m sure Jasper has everything under control.”

I sighed. “I know he does.”

“Hopefully the three of us can have fun,” Wes smiled, tickling Ariel in her stomach.

“I’m already having fun,” Ariel smiled, practically vibrating in Wes’ arms from excitement. “Are you going to be part of our family too?”

“Sweetie,” I sighed. Ariel tends to think of everyone around her as family. She doesn’t understand that we’re all not related by blood, but she knows that no one ever comes into our lives. She’s known Jasper since she was born, so to her, he’s already family. “Wes is our friend. Friends and family are two different things. He has a mommy and a daddy just like you do.”

“I miss mommy and daddy. When is daddy coming home?”

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. I can’t tell Ariel to shut up about Eric and Clarice. Wes has probably picked up on the fact that our parents are never home, but I can only assume that he thinks they work late hours. I can never tell what Wes might be thinking. He always looks so at ease whenever our crazy family is mentioned.

“Soon. Very soon.”

When we sat in our assigned pumpkin, Ariel was trying so hard to turn the wheel in the middle. Once the ride started, Wes and I needed to do all the wheel turning. I couldn’t contain my smile every time Wes’ fingers brushed against mine.

The ride started and ended too fast for my liking. I wanted nothing more than to keep seeing the smile on Ariel’s face. Plus, I wanted to keep feeling Wes’ hands on mine.

“I don’t think that ride should be for kids. That burger I ate before coming here is trying to work its way back up,” Wes whispered to me. We walked over to other rides that Ariel would like.

“Your first Fairview Halloween Carnival is going to end badly for your stomach. Once you start taste testing all the dessert booths, you’ll be in a food coma,” I explained.

Ariel dragged Wes and me to all the child rides in the carnival. She didn’t want to miss a single ride. It wasn’t my smartest idea to let her eat candy, but she looked so happy with each piece of candy that I couldn’t say no to her. Wes held her when she was approaching her sugar crash. He lifted her like she was weightless when it physically pains me to carry Ariel around the house.

“I can’t breathe!” Wes exclaimed, dropping the remains of his first-ever s’mores waffles piled high with whipped cream. “If I take another bite, I might drop dead.”

“Told you,” I smiled. “So, is Fairview everything you dreamed it would be?” I asked, completely joking.

Fairview Minnesota is equivalent to purgatory! People here are stuck in the limbo between life and death. If you’re born here, then you’ll do anything to escape it. If you come here later in life, it’s because you are retired and want to sit at home all day doing nothing.

“It’s different,” Wes shrugged, picking at the marshmallows on his food with a fork. “My dad was born and raised in this town. He passed away when I was eleven.”

“I’m so sorry,” I muttered. Keeping my voice down, so that Ariel couldn’t hear too much of this. “Our mom passed away four years ago.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how that must be hard for you and your dad, taking care of everyone and everything,” Wes said, glancing to Ariel who was nearly asleep in her plate of pumpkin pie.

“You have no idea,” I murmured under my breath.

“Let’s go on the Ferris wheel,” Wes proclaimed, throwing his dessert in the garbage. “We’re going to put Jasper in charge of all the kids for a few minutes. You deserve a break and a view from the top of the Ferris wheel should do the trick.”

No way! Not happening!

My palms felt clammy as I rubbed them on the fabric of my leggings. My knees wobbled as I stood up ready to follow Wes’ lead. I may be mortified of heights, but I’m not about to throw away a chance to sit alone with Wes in a small cart.

***

Wes and I were next online for the Ferris wheel. I’ve never been this scared in my life. This fear might be tied with how I’m going to feel standing in front of a judge in a few months. The hammering of my heart into my chest and the overwhelming tension in the pit of my stomach made me nauseous. Thinking about both this ride and the upcoming court dates is making my dessert come back up.

I watched as Jasper and all the kids were playing a game of whac-a-mole at one of the booths. All of them wanted to win the same prize, so it’s going to be a hostile car ride home when one of them wins and the others don’t.

Wes reached behind him and took my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. The simple movement without him looking in my direction had my heart doing backflips of unknown emotions.

“I— I don’t— I don’t think I can do this,” I stuttered, feeling embarrassed about being afraid of a ride that children are going on.

Wes watched me with a raised eyebrow. My breath hitched in my throat with his simple facial tick; however, my fear is overpowering my ability to admire his features.

“We’ll get off the line if that’s what you want,” he stated. “I think you can do this and that you need this, but the choice is yours.”

“Next!” a voice shouted. I looked past Wes to see that it was our turn to get on. Wes’ face remained neutral waiting for my answer. Fear has conquered my life for as long as I could remember. We’ve all been living our lives in fear. That’s not going to change by going on a ride. “Let’s go kid! I got a line of people to get to!”

Fear may control my life, but it’s not going to dictate this one choice.

“Let’s do this,” I whispered.

Sitting shoulder to shoulder with Wes who was holding my hand in his lap made me want to jump out of this cart. His fingers intertwined with mine made me feel more relaxed, but the anxiety was overwhelming. I have no idea what possessed me to come on this ride, but I’m regretting this decision.

“Keep your eyes on the horizon,” Wes whispered. “Or keep your eyes on the kids. They know you can do this and so do I.”

Watching with smiles on their faces, all my kids were following our cart as it went into the air. Slow and steady. The cart wasn't shaking or making a creaking sound, so that’s a good sign that I won’t plummet to my death.

“I can do this,” I whispered.

“My dad and I used to go to the Ferris wheel in Santa Monica whenever he was stressed. He worked long hours and didn’t have much time for me, but our trips to Santa Monica were my favorite times with him,” Wes explained, absentmindedly looking towards the sky.

I took a deep breath to make sure my voice wasn’t shaking with fear. “My siblings and I would huddle in our parents’ bed while they read us Greek myths. After mom died, I started taking on the position of the storyteller and used my bed for nightly reading. With our dad working a lot, I do everything I can to make sure they're happy.”

“In the short time I’ve known you, I can confidently say that your mom would be so proud of you. There’s always a hole in a family when someone dies, but holes can be sewn closed. You’re sewing the hole to keep your family together,” Wes whispered.

All fear swept out of my body like a wave receding away from the shoreline. I looked up at Wes to see if there was any hint of lying in his voice. He didn’t hesitate to say anything regarding my family. It melted my heart knowing that he felt like he knew my family.

If Wes wasn’t hesitating, then I’m not going to hesitate either. Throwing fear over the side of this cart, I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him like a child embracing their favorite stuffed animal. There was no hesitation from Wes when he wrapped his arms around the center of my torso. He doesn’t fully understand the significance of his words, but he doesn’t need to know. I know. I know that I’ll never be able to thank him enough for saying that I’m the needle sewing our family together and that I make Clarice proud.

Everything that I do in my life is for my kids.

“Thank you, Wes,” I whispered.