Letter J

To: the.casgomezagmail.com

Subject: Letter J

Finally! You have reached my final letter!

You probably knew me by now after all the stories I've shared. But to formally introduce myself…

Hi! I'm Akeelah Jade Cutler, your friend, your audience, your confidant, your "almost", the girl who loves you, the girl who wish to hate you, the girl who longs for you, the girls who is happy for you, and lastly…the girl who lets you go.

It feels weird writing my name here but I think it's necessary. For my own peace of mind. I don't want regretting something after all this email writing so, if some words does not make any sense to you that is because I didn't proofread it. This may be a surprise to you knowing how conscious I am whenever I send messages to you before. But the situation calls for it. I want you to read my raw feelings.

Cassius, for the first time ever I stop myself from being pretentious around you. I used to worry you'll noticed my feelings for you if I start talking nonsense. I admit I slipped from time to time but I tried my earnest. For the first time, I allow you to see my real emotion. This is me, Cassius. This my real feelings for you.

I love you. I love you as you. I love you more than words. I love you to the moon and back. I love you just like all the cliché lines ever invented.

Wow! It freaking feels good to let this off my chest. Believe it or not I was in denial of my feelings for you before because– well, it was new to me. Fear got the best of me. However, admitting this to you now, it felt– I don't know, it felt liberating? I felt free from all the shackles I trap myself with.

For the first time I got to truly embrace and process my feelings for you. Thank you, Cassius. Don't worry I'm close to unloving you. I'm close to putting myself first out of anything else.

Five full years. Imagine that, I become stupid for five full years. But like other things, it has come to an end. I'm letting it go. I'm freeing myself from that burden of loving you.

Loving you was the hardest thing I did in my whole life. I sacrifice my own well-being just to see you happy. Just to be part of your world. Now, I would stop this one-sided love, this unrequited love.

You are my first love, but it needs to end. I'm finally letting my feelings go. I'm finally putting myself first and stop thinking all the what ifs and could have been. Because, finally I'm giving my chance to fully heal all the wounds. I'll climb up those stairs to move forward and away from you. Thank you for making me know how painful love can be. Thank you for making me realize that I deserve so much more and that I should stop settling for some unreciprocated love.

You made me learn a lot of things. One of this is despite all the pain love wins after all just as long you have found the right person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

For the last time…

Thank you.

I like you.

I miss you.

I love you.

Be happy, okay?

Goodbye, Cassius Gomez.

Love,

Akeelah Jade Cutler

The girl who lets you go