Chapter 7

Scared to Want

I want to scratch

I want to cut

I want to purge

But

I'm scared of my urges

And scared of myself

Scared of the world

And scared to get help

Scared of talking to them

Scared of living alone

Scared to block them back

I just want to go home

I rack my brain

For happy thoughts

But nothings brought to mind

I'm caught in an endless cycle

Blind to the good around me

I wish to someday see

The shining beauty

Of the world

Storytime

Once upon a time

There was a girl

At least that's what everyone thought he was

But he was not

And that made xem hurt inside

Silently suffering at his expense

For the sake of his peers

He was always silent

Silent when his friend touched him in ways he didn't want

Silent when his father screamed at him and shoved him

Never speaking up

Slowly the pressure

And the fear

And the depression built up until one day

It just burst

And he was found dead in his room later that night

I Feel Statements

I feel stupid

I feel dumb

I feel useless

I feel numb

I'm triggered

I don't want to be the bigger person

Literally and figuratively

I'm petty and fat

I wish I were pretty

That would be pretty nice

I rolled the dice

And I won nothing

Learning to fly

I wanna die

Maybe I should learn to fly

By falling

Like a bird

Inch by inch

Burden by burden

All of it melting away

Today

I shall learn to fly

Or I shall die

Either way

It'll be fun

To be someone

Who goes with the wind

A person of sins

Falling to hell

And from the roof to the ground as well

How swell it is

To be a kid

Who only gets the wonders of childhood

Cuts and scratches

Burns and bruises

From cruising on the highway

At one hundred and four

Until the tires couldn't take it anymore

So they flew too

Just as I do into the street

Broken and beat

Like me

Smiling as their lungs fall

Ending it all

For us both

Memories

The memories all come flooding back

Faster than a tsunami

Help me

I don't want to live with them

I want to sleep forever

To forget

To let myself be in peace

To empty my head

To save me

From any and all memories

Of him

Thinking of it makes my skin crawl

As I'm bawling my eyes out

I want to be six feet underground

Whenever the memories flood back

Because they bring back him

And every touch he did

Every time I was too scared to say no

Everytime she made me want to go scrape my skin off

All of it

Did You Know

Did you know

That two hundred apple seeds is enough to die

Did you know

That fourteen quick glasses of water is enough to commit suicide

Did you know

That one hundred cherries

Can end your life

How is it that easy

It shouldn't be

It should be hard

Why must we worship the martyr of sadness

Why must we succumb to the madness

Of this unnerving life

Living out of spite

To our fears

Tightrope Walk on a Piece of String

Do you ever look at a loop

In a loose piece of string

And say it looks like a noose

And you think

Damn if only

Oh if only

Oh if only

I'm lonely

I'm tired

There's a fire underneath my ass

Called my parents

Telling me to be the best in the class

All the pressure

Life's a stressor

I'll fall victim

To the silent call of hell

Oh well

There's the bell

Lets go drown

In the river

It's the death

Of a giver

I'm a dier

Not a liver

It's a dire situation

We've created

I've been baited

And I'm hooked

On the look

Of me bloody and cold

Being bold

Enough to call the bluff

Given to me

I see how it is

I just want to be a kid again

So I kid around

Saying that the string

Looks like a noose

Peanut Gallery

Walking on glass

Being chastised

By my peers

Who joke and jeer

Looming and leering

Over me like a tower

Covered in mold and flowers

Brick by brick

Hour by hour

It took to build this peanut gallery

Making fun of me

Oh to be

One of those people in the peanut gallery

Petal by Petal

I hold a bouquet of flowers

And stare at them blankly for hours

Watching the petals fall

One by one

Until they're all gone

Flying away

I'll do this until I'm old and gray

Sitting on old porch swing

Watching the sunset

As the flowers fly away

I slowly forget each memory

They fly away with each petal

Slowly dying

Along with me

Puppy Dog Boy

Bit by bit

Piece by piece

My soul chips away

My heart is ripped into three

The very essence of me

Shattered

Battered

Well lived

And given to many

Any of which could have kept it

But didn't

So I stand in the sand

As a lonely, scarred man

And I ponder

Why must the brightest stars burn the quickest

And why is blood thickest

When compared to water

Why is love so short and sweet

And why didn't they come back to me

Why couldn't they see the flame

That came

From the love I gave

These feelings I take to the grave

That wash over me like a wave

That I rave about

Even though they played with me like a toy

Their precious puppy dog boy

Just there to pet

And let praise them

Never letting them go until they're no longer wanted

They're left haunted by the ghosts of a relationship

My heart is still ripped

Into three

I Don't Care Anymore

I pull out my hair

Wear myself down to the bone

'I can't live on my own'

I used to think that

But now I don't care

I'm no longer wary of what you think

You're no longer the missing chain in my link

My heart was no longer covered in staining, red, spilled ink

I dont care anymore

I'm not their little whore

Not anymore

Little Bitch

You fucking cunt

You'll never change

I lied

I do care

I care that you left me estranged

And that you'll treat other people how you did me

And that you're a little bitch

Who isn't scared to leave

To ruin lives

But is scared of commitment

You're a fucking cunt

Hating Missing You

In my head

Your fine

But in my mind

You're dead

I'm filled with dread

Though I've tried to leave you behind

Because I saw red

When you were no longer mine

I stepped out of the line of ants

Starting up a line of rants

And now I hate myself even more because my pants

Are getting tighter

Is that why you abandoned me?

You son of a bitch

We were working

Without a hitch

No we weren't

But I don't care

But I do miss stripping you to your underwear

It isn't fair

That you decided my fate without me

By choosing to leave

Even after you wove the webs you weave

My heart is heaving

All because of you

Goodbye Forever

I want to restrict

I want to die

Instead I binge

And cry for the third time

I secretly check my discord

To see if you're alive

And you are

And you're thriving

You little bitch

You're repeating your cycle

On others

You little bitch

I hate you

I'm so fucking mad

I can't believe I ever thought that what we had was true

Nothing

We had nothing

It was a lie

And now I'm alone and worthless

The only difference between now and three months ago is that I wasn't alone

And that I was home

So fuck you

Goodbye forever

Petals and Thorns And Devil Horns

Petals and thorns

And devil horns

Sticking from your head

That stab me in the neck

Impale me

Inhale my soul

No longer a whole

There's no consoling me this time

I'll say what I need to say then leave

Just as you did

I'll just dip

With no warning

Nothing

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Means letting go

To free yourself

Because life is harsher

In black and white

But clarity is easier to fight

You can't make it right

You can only forgive

To continue to live

To be free

To say you are you and I am me

And we

Are no longer

Chained together

Forever I am gone

Moved on

From the effect you had

Someday I will be glad that I forgave

To shave off the pieces of you left over

My beautiful love

I shall one day forgive you

Grandfather

I shall one day forgive you

[Insert person who used to touch me's name]

I shall one day forgive you

So that I may be able to live too

To live on

The black and white photos

Will gain beauty

Because one day

I will say

I am me

And I forgive you

Or do I?

I Hate It Here

I've given up

No more "until we're old"

I've given up

My body is cold

Because I sat and wept

I never slept

I smashed everything I loved up

Until I died from dehydration

I gave up on life

That ten centimeter knife is serrated

Sometimes I think back on that little girl

Alone in the world

Curled up

In a little ball

Trying to escape it all

As I fade away

I'm Drowning in a Lake

I won't complain

As I take the blade

And cut my vein

My future is made

I cried in the rain

I live in the shade

And live for the pain

I'm drowning in a lake

In the deep end

Left to fend for myself

My cries for help

Are drowned out

The clouds are gray

I'm not playing around anymore

I'm just a lonely whore

Drowning

Being crowned a loser

As I struggle to breathe

My soul leaves my body

Unstable

Unable

I push through

The rain

My car drives

In the day

Headlights shining through

Facing you

You're in the middle of the street

I swerve right

I don't deserve this

It's hard to get out of a ditch

When those bitches take your rope

And your hope

I see all of it flash before my eyes

The night I crashed

Became broken and bashed

To save you

Because that's what a good, quiet person would do

Only give

And never take

Never live

Just make other peoples days better

Send a letter

To your grandma

And text your friend

Until the day you go into the deep end

Of that lake

That takes your life from you

Reflect on your mistakes

In the misty reflection of the lakes

Oh wait

You are the mistake

Put your head

Under the water

You'll be dead soon

They'll find you around noon

But it'll be fine

But it'll only be that way if you die

Honey, Glass, and a Dead Tree in the Yard

I look at these girls

Just having their fun

Swirling their dresses

Under the sun

Laughing and crying

And falling and dying

Honey and glass

And a plump, soft ass

Curvy and worthy

Of actual love

Soft like a dove

Life fits like a glove

For them

When will I be like that

I think of her

These thoughts have a terrible pattern

Of climbing up a metaphorical ladder

Maybe it's for the better

Because there couldn't be winners without losers

Or sinners without doers

Or honey without bees

Or lush, green lawns without a few dead trees

Honey without bees

You's without me's

I care what you think

My fears never shrink

They only ever grow

Until they start to show

To glow brighter than I do

Headaches

I've lost control

My head is rolling and spinning

And it's taking a toll

I have a headache

I need a break

I need to make the thoughts go away

They take my sanity

Bit by bit

Piece by piece

Chipping away the vanity I never had

The day is getting bad

Minute by minute

It starts to hurt

Second by second

It keeps getting worse

This fucking sucks

What the fuck

"What's up?"

They say

Not my mood

I don't mean to be rude

But fuck off

I'm done

I'm this close to scoffing you away

I'm not trying to be this way

But today fucking sucks

And my head hurts

Essence

Vanity

Is the essence of self love

And sanity

Is the essence of the mind

How kind of the world

To bestow all this hurt

Upon those who are worthy

Though some are not

A good few do what this word intended

And pretended to be

The essence of sanity

Litter

Sadness

Isn't something to laugh or joke about

Madness

Isn't funny

Sweeter than honey

And bitter like ash

Envy is green like money

Depression is sharper than glass

A shrapnel that constantly stabs at you

Jabs at you

Nags at you

Calls you a fag

A freak

Stupid

And weak what if I go home

And leave my escape

What if I don't want to stop

What if I cross the caution tape

What if it is funny

What if I want to stay

To hide from my role

As prey that I hold

As I deathly lay in the grass

Those shards of sharp, green glass

That holds the present and the past

This is my last resort

My final retort

Before my whole life distorts

And becomes more than I can handle

My world is a candle

On the verge of being blown out

Those clouds of rain

That pull the rains

On the blades

That cut across my wrists

This is torture

Horror

But will those clouds one day show the sun

Will it one day all be done

Will that gun to my head

Turn to flowers instead

And replace all my dread

With hope

Will it untie the rope

Nope

Will it save me on those nights

Yeah right

That hand of gold

Just letting me hold it

With my bloody, grimy hands

To help me out of that ditch

That that bitch put me in

With a bottom lined with sharp, tin cans

And dirt

And litter

And hurt

I'm bitter

Because of him

Nothing I've gone through was worse

Than that

That which slipped me into madness

Ghastly

Whirling

Swirling

Twirling past me

Eerie

Leering

A figure so ghastly

It could make even the toughest of people cry

The look in its eye

Could show you your worst nightmare

So face it if you dare

For if you do

Make sure you knew

That on the bravest can fight it

That monster

Is depression

The World is Mean

Yelling

Swearing

Overbearing

Ripping and tearing

At my mind

I'm not fine

My heart monitor has formed a line

This world is not kind

It is mean

And it is killing me

Statue in the Park

I'm upset

I'm a wreck

I'm a mess

In a blood stained, white, flowy dress

I was impressed

With how you so lovingly caressed my cheek

When you never really loved me

I was doomed to be alone

A statue frozen in stone

On which the light of your memory shone

I'm no longer home

On the verge of crying

And on the verge of going back

Even though you left my heart darkened and cracked

Shadowy

Upset

Wrecked

Messy

Me

I'm destined to be

All of the above

No love

No home

Alone in the dark

Killing myself in the park

As I'm screaming for help

But no one can hear me

Alone With Me

Alone tonight

Alone in my fight

In my battle

To break free

From the societal herd of cattle

To be me

To be heard

One word, two words, three words, four

Little by little

More and more

Of my own speech

Breaching the walls

Of the silencer

For all humankind

No longer one mind

Instead

I make the world mine

This time

I shall be me

Ility

Peace and tranquility

A unknown ability

To be actually happy

To be content and full of life

Time away from the knife

Is so well spent