Driving in the Dark, a book of poetry85.71%

Chapter 6

The Sad Pianist

The sad pianist

Was a dreamer

But he spent his life

Pouring tea

And coffee creamer

He was a pianist and a barista

Currently learning

A piece of a new song

But every note was wrong

So he gave up

And went bankrupt

And spent every day

In the darkened gloom of his room

Bride of Death

Sweet music

Of a dreamer

Who stargazes

Under the moon

She walks the world with a smile

But death hoped to meet her soon

She went along a path

For an early morning jog

When suddenly out of the fog

Death appeared

And he said

"Oh ivory girl

With your hair stained red

I am Death

And I wish to have said

I have fallen in love with you

My love is oh so true

I'll make a deal

In exchange for your hand in marriage

I'll bring back anyone you love

If you agree to walk down the aisle

And kiss my cloaked lips

With your room-brightening smile

You shall rule hell and heaven with me

And be

My beautiful bride

Stand beside me

And be my bride oh beautiful girl

Oh ivory girl

With your red stained curls

And beautiful smile

Be my bride

You may think on it for a while."

Then Death disappeared

And from that day on she feared him

But she wished to bring back

The love of her life

So one day

She stood with a with a knife

She drove it through her chest

And said "I wish to see Death."

And he came in and said

"I see you've accepted my offer

Who do you wish to send back into the world."

She began to cry and said

"Years ago my husband died.

I wish to bring him back."

And so Death did

And she became Death's bride

With her room-brightening smile

While her husband suffered on earth

And though her gesture was worth her life

Her husband soon died

To go back

To be with her

But now they no longer look at the moon

Because they are still separated

Even after death

Because she was married to Death

And it stayed that way until she took her final breath

Hidden Behind the Mask

There once was a boy

Named Michael

Destined to be a star

He was smart

And played football

And everyone knew he'd go far

But what no one knew

Was the pain and abuse

Hidden behind the mask

No one knew

That his bruises were covered in makeup

No one knew that everyday he'd wake up

To screaming

No one ever saw the tears that were streaming down his face

He'd dreamed of one day going to a better place

But his depression took him there before the future could

Eating

I don't want to eat

But I don't want to get put on bathroom obs

Eating is like a job to me

One I get paid for in tears

I hate my body

I hate myself

I hate my stretch marks

I need help

To make sure I finish the plate

To make sure I ate

To make sure I'm okay

Dinosaur

On the floor

Floor dinosaur

Dinosaur

Roses and Hours

Roses and sunflowers

Long days and long hours

The flower of time towers over me

Tall

Looming

Leering

Silently jeering

Haunting and taunting me

I'm fearing

It will swallow me soon

Bottomless Pit

I am made

Of misery meat

I fade away

It's kind of neat

How people leave

Like the seasons

Personality is the spice of life

And abandonment issues is my seasoning

I have no reasoning

For how I feel

I can't even deal with it

I feel like I'm in

A bottomless pit

Cold and dark

Moldy without even a spark of life

The chilly air makes my skin prickle like knives

A million thoughts

Race through my mind

Chasing me

This day is like a cold winter

Poking me like splinters

Its scaring me

And wearing me down

No one else is around

There is no sound

Except for my labored breathing

My chest is heaving

And I'm leaving

My sanity behind

Gently reminding myself

That its okay

Today

I fall down a bottomless pit

And it drains my soul

Breaking a whole

And shaking me to my core

I can't take it anymore

I forfeit the game

I just want to be left alone

Ignored

So I jumped in this pit of hell

Well

It's heaven for me

Nobody else

Anywhere

I don't even care that I'm scared

I don't care

I don't

I can't

I won't

I'm just so tired

I feel overwhelmed

And overstimulated

Is my whole life simulated

My heart's been desecrated

So I threw myself into this bottomless pit

As punishment

For existing

Split the World in Two

I woke up this morning

With your face in my head

You said until we were old

But you've given up

What happened

I became trapped in

My own cerebral vortex

I lost that place of mine

I lost my place to hide

I lost you

I lost the game

I lost the flame

From the start

We had already lost the spark

With every brick you tore down

Two more were added to the wall I put up around my heart

It built up higher and higher

While at the same time

Out goes the fire

What the hell happened

No relationships of mine ever lasted

My demons

Fuck me over

I just need a four leaf clover

To fix my luck

I feel stuck

The fog surrounds me

And drowns me

My head is pounding

Its astounding

How a break down can get so bad

Can make me so sad

So mad

The hypnotic triad

Of feelings

My mind is reeling

Like its about to split open

Become broken

Cracked down the middle

Driving me just a little insane

As it tears my brain in two

Separated like me and you

Boo hoo

Too bad so sad

That sucks

What the fuck

Is wrong with us

That's the emotional extent when were generous

But

What can we expect

This generation is fucked up

Like the population

Full of lies and degradation

Sighs and suffocation

Murder

No one heard her screams as he suffocated her on the street

It's kind of neat

How the world is so fleeting

Were all the same

Yet so disagreeing

You and me and

This whole town

Our heads are in the clouds

But hanging down

I'm thinking about you

And what we do

And everything else

Because I woke up this morning

Sighing and suffocating

Growing Up

When I was a little girl

I held the world

In the palm of my hands

Calm and steady

Excited and ready

To take it on

Now I'm a teenager

And the world is bleak

Shriveled

Disheveled

And I'm expected to stay a girl and take it off

The ground isn't leveled

Unless you're a rich, white male

You'll never sleep perfectly at night

There will always be some sort of fight

That will never be made right

But tonight

My eyes see

I'm not a teen

I'm still a child to them

Confused

And lost

Tossed from the pedestal the moment I came out

I want to scream about my life

Instead I hold my knife

And slit the palm I once held the world in

As a reminder

To be kinder

To be her

To stay young

To keep it all on

To stay strong

But we all know that can't happen

Not if I want to survive

To stay alive

To try

To simply exist

Gay and not cis

I have to remind myself

That help is for the weak

The meek and the mild

The small and the wild

The mother and the child

Not me

Never me

Couldn't be

I can't be a child and I can't be weak

I have to be strong

I cant cry

Or I'll die in this cold cruel world

Where mothers sigh

And babies drool

And she takes her clothes off

It's hard to get out of a hole when they take your rope

You just have to cope

And hope

It gets better

Or just journal

Or write a letter

But is it enough

I'm not the main character

Oh mother nature

It's not fair of her

To make us all different

We just need to be indifferent

I sit here and look at the blinding bright sun

The stars dance in the sky

Having their fun

While underneath them

The children drink whiskey and rum

Hon

It will change you forever

Change our life together

You can't go back

Once you stack up the bottles

And pull on the throttle

And crash into a tree

Just to be happy

I never sleep

I simply weep

As the shadows creep around me

The Grim Reaper calls me cold

But what does that make them

I'm empty

As I silently sink into my bed

After taking my last drink

Of blood

It tasted like mud

How fun

I whisper as I finally stop complaining

I'm out of pain

I dropped my aim

There's nothing more to gain

There's nothing left of me

They see that

As the police bust through the door

In their heavy coats

When they were called after finding my note

What I wrote was vicious

But I still did it

I left them behind

And emptied my mind

For the first time

No more pain

Just darkness

I crossed the line

Between pain and relief

I can finally breathe

Because I stopped growing up

Drowning in Alcohol

Today I looked up how many pills I would have to take

To make

The pain go away

I looked out the window

And wanted to fly

No, wanted to die

I cried at the table

With a blade

In my fingers

The scent of depression lingers

Hollow, full

Just like my skull

I wallow in pain

And swallow my heart back down my throat

And put on my coat

I quickly wrote

My last goodbye

So I could try

To learn to fly

My silent sigh

Escapes as I breathe out my problems and thoughts

Become nothing

There's something

Holding me down

When I float to the bottom of the lake

Because I want to drown

In something other than myself

Help

I wish I had some better words to say

To portray

The things I think

My cheeks flush pink

Everytime I think of doing it

So I grabbed the bottle

And tasted freedom for the first time

Down to Hell

A labored breath

A longing death

I am a pest

To society

Not you

I am a monster

A plague

A doom

A moldy stench

In a dingy room

A dirty wench

Resting in a tomb

The blue sky is overhead

My eyes rest shut

To be blunt

I am dead

I have died

Rid of dread

Bony and dry

My family silently cries

As they mourn the whore

Who roamed their streets

Their home

Speaks too much

Built like a gnome

The lock screen on its phone is empty

Because who

Oh who

Would want to talk to me

I am a monster

Drunk on loneliness

I sunk into the dying grass

I plunged the knife into my heart

My life trickling out

Along with the blood

Someone shouts my name

As I fall into the mud

"How fun"

I think

As I sink down to hell

Oh well

I am greeted by a demon

Of darkness and despair

I kiss its forehead softly

Despite the toxic smell it wafts into the air

For I am finally free

From my chains

From the pain

That held me in place

As I floated through space

And my cerebral cortex

Became a vortex

A binding hex

Of treachery

I am next in line

For check in

In the flaming gates of hell

Though my family is probably blaming me on the surface

Oh well

They cannot shame me here

I have no fear

Just a budding light

Cutting through the night

And the dark

The spark illuminates my path

And my wrath

The wrath that sent me here

Don't Cut

A pair of scissors from the kitchen

In the palm of my hand

A lazy sting on my skin

Damn

What has my life become

I have nowhere left to run but off of a cliff

What if…?

Don't you dare

Don't scare yourself like that

You little brat

Don't you know how rude that is

Why are you like this

Just pick a therapist

And stick with it

Don't cut

"But"

Shut the fuck up

Impossible Dream

What is the definition of impossible

Is it even a plausible word

In this world of dreams

This world deemed to be bound in space

Right in place

Each link of the chain

Comes from a brain

That forms a dream

Dishonest Honesty

Dishonest honesty

Honestly

It exists everywhere

And nowhere

What a pair

Something so unfair

Beware the dishonest honesty

Goodness me

The world is built on the truth of the lies

The words fly

So easily from the forked tongue of a snake

That can't shake its bad habit

It loses all

It begins to fall

And that is the truth

I Cry Alone

I cry alone

But I cover it up with laughter

So no one knows what a disaster I am

I cant crawl out of this hole

My broken soul dug for me

I see the moon as I run

And sweat

Because I was bet twenty bucks to jump

So I do it

So others can have their fun

Ten days later I wake up in the hospital

In a small room

Hooked up to a machine

My parents there with me

They cry and yell for

The doctor

No more

It's too loud

They say they're proud

But I know theyre not

They're mad

Not sad

Furious

And I'm curious

If I'll live through it

Silently Screaming

I can't speak

I'm screaming

But you can't hear me

It all went black

I can't think back

I'm crying

I'm dying

No one knows what going on

I'm crying in my room

But I deserve it

I can't even stand this

Why couldn't it work

Why do I still have to hurt

This pain is worse

Than the burn in my throat that I felt after writing the note

From the pills

I sat still

Unconscious at my desk

Wondering what was next

Would I be alive or dead

Hopefully that latter

But it doesn't matter what I want

Nothing matters anymore

Pictures

Snap

I took a picture that I can't take back

I regret it

I just want to forget it

But you ask again

And I'm scared to say no

So I go and do it again

My head is spinning

I feel dead

And I wish I were

Because to her

I was her puppy

Her boy

Her obedient little toy

Nothing more

I don't want to live

I wish I could forgive myself

Help

I can't take them back

Snap

Another and another

Sent

I guess I'm hell bent on feeling like shit

I can't just delete it

They already have them

I can never go back

Berry Pie

Drowning isn't that bad

When someone else drowns alongside you

I'm floating away

Starting anew

With a tart personality

Come with me

Together

Forever

We'll never be apart

With our tart selves

Berry pie

Why oh why

Are you tart like us

When you look down

On those who drown

Love(d)

I died a little bit inside

Each time you cried

Each time you lied

I hated it

I had to be strong for you

But I couldn't

I was always wrong

Never enough

Compare to you

You praised me

But it all felt like a lie

A lie I'd die for

For just a little more time with you

To be your puppy again

To be happy

Even as friends

Just one more day

Or a chance to say

I love(d) you

3x Speed

I love you

They don't mean it

I'm cut open

I'm bleeding

I'm a lost cause

Fuck it

Who cares

In the end I'll just be throwing myself down the stairs

Taking three bottles of antidepressants

I hate myself

And resent my life

I don't want to change

Or grow up

This shit's a disaster

I'm just making life go a little faster

Apart at the Seams

In the feat

Of pursuing a dream

I split apart

At the seams

Isn't it neat

How my stitching was so loose

If only my noose had been that way

Then I'd have lived another day

And had a chance to say

"I'll find another dream."

Instead I yell

From the pits of hell

Help me

Praise me

Love me save me

But I alone

Whore

Two days pass

Then three

Then four

And I'm still bored

And tired

Of being ignored

Treated like a whore

What does that word even mean

What is it meant the those you still use it anymore

Slut?

Sex pig?

But I am neither

So why does everyone use that word

To describe me

Am I destined to be

The campus joke

Until the very day I grab a rope

Or is there something else to the meaning

Something other than to be demeaning

But nope

It's just an insult

In the Palm of my Hand

For the first time in a while

I was happy

Not sad

Calm

With the world in the palm of my hand

I felt at ease

Peacefully sitting in the sand

With the world in the palm of my hand

Animals surrounding me

Walking

Playing

Laying on the floor

I was bored in a good way

I took the chance to say

I am peaceful

I am calm

I hold the world

In my palm

I was cold

But I felt alive

And bold

Outside

And forever more

I will hold

The world in the palm of my hand

[Insert His Name Here]

My boy

My beautiful boy

I love you still

I will

To have you return

Though my heart burns with disgust

But also with lust

Each time we speak

I feel weak

Meek

Happy

Glad

Terrified

Sad

I start to remember

And I get mad

Because each time we speak

It's me

Talking you out of doing something bad

With no other conversations

I had a revelation

That you are toxic

Poisonous

Yet marvelous

You were impractical

It was laughable

How much I cared for you

For now when I think back

Our relationship lacked any actual feelings

You never really liked me

Angry

I'm furious

And curious

And sad

And mad

Mostly one and four

I can't take this anymore

I was your whore

But you left the second you got bored

I thought you were dead

So I said

"I will be too."

I was going to join you

Where I thought you were

But just my luck

The police picked me up

And it turned out you were alive

Thirty five

That's the number of days I cried

And died

And mourned your loss

Turned and tossed

At night

Because I was gonna fight to join you

Where I thought you were

And you know what really irks me

How you just kicked me to the curb

With no warning

You just left

No goodbye

Not a word

It's absurd

What you put me through

Just so you could have some "time for you"

Was it actually true

Or did you just block me

What did you see that was so upsetting

To the point where letting me breakdown sounded okay

In what way

Was that a good idea

He was my heart

And soul

A part

Of my whole

And they just left

Just like that

Nothing left

No going back

You lacked compassion

You probably didn't even care

You just wanted a toy

Something to play with then tear apart

Like you shredded my heart

You said we'd never part

Then you left nothing left in me

As both of us can see

That was fucked up

I can't believe my shitty luck

Got me left again

This is pretty much the tenth time

In the long line

On the list

Of those who left

Get the gist

I'm worthless

Not even worth sticking around for

Just there to be someone's whore

Then become alone

I've lost my home so many times I've lost count

I amount to nothing

I woke up that morning

With thoughts of you in my head

And by that afternoon you were dead

That place I had to hide

Was gone

That hand I had to hold

Was cold

Dead

Gone

Skin and Red Hair

I'm ugly

Disgusting

Furious

Nothing

My body would be better if there was nothing there

Just my skin and my red hair

I should let myself rot away

Tomorrow and today

I won't eat

To kill myself

To feel something still

My feelings float to the top

Of the water I drowned myself in

Make it stop

Process Group

I feel so scared

I'm being talked about

Talked around

I'm screaming

But not out loud

I'm not proud

Of what I said

My cheeks flush red

The discomfort rushes through my head

It hurts

But I dont know whats worse

This

Or the anxious blindness

I'm shaking

Its taking

From my mental water tower

A dead flower

Dying more by the hour

I'm trying

To rebuild myself

But oh no

Oh well

I can't tell

How bad it got

Nomatter how much I rot away

From what I say

In process group

Poisoned Wine

In this story

I am the villain

I've painted myself to be

To me I am evil and bad

And angry and sad

Siding with madness

And malice and ego

A chalice of poisoned wine

Swirls around my mind

Bursting from my eyes and ears

Showering my lace patterned face

With blood red tears that I shed

I am the villain in my story

Evil and whorey

Horrible and boring

Because I am a demon of poisoned wine

That poisons my mind

And freezes the time

Still, I am fine

I can't cross the line

That holds me back

I can't step on the tracks

I lack the ability to be kind

I'm awful and invalidating

I'm shaking off the layer of cold snow

To show my smiling, lace patterned face

Stained with evil

And fear

And pain

And the bursting blood red tears

Worms For Tears

I am broken

I am not me

I am choking

Leave me be

Let me suffocate in peace

So I can escape

So the drapes that cover the sun will finally be pulled

Coaxed and lulled

From their indefinite spot

So I may let the sun be hot

Only cold, dead body

Rotting and shoddy

With maggots in my eyes

The worms will form my tears

As they are hiding from the sky

Hiding in my skull

Rich and full

From feasting on my flesh and bones

Combing through my remains

As a delicious main dish

They fish through my brain

Biting through tissue

Dead tissue

About as alive as me

Let me be

Leave me to rest

In broken peace

Wake Up

Wake up

And smell the coffee

The rain

The daisies

What a wonderful array

Of things today

But in the end

All must change

What a range

Of things to twist and contort

To miss and distort

No more

Why can't we just leave things be

So we can see the beauty

But no

Things must go

Must be different

And we must be indifferent

In order to save our minds

What kinds

Of horrors lie

From getting caught up on the past

On things that never last

A sigh, a tear, a broken gasp

Of a choking man

Who chokes out a sob

No home and no job

Crying in the rain

Drenched and in pain

He is yet to have slain

The immortal dragon

Which drags him down

From out of his town

To the depths of the earth

For better and for worse

Then drowning in dirt six feet under

That's got to hurt

Guilty Pleasure

You were my guilty pleasure

No one else could measure up to you

What did I do

To break your heart from mine

This time

There's no stitching in back together

You're gone forever

My dear

I miss you so

How could you just go

And leave me

So easily

Leaving me breathless

Untethered from the world

This is even worse

Than what we were

My dear you are not mine

And I'm no longer fine

Without you

I swear it's true

I swear to you

Even when you destroy me like you do

How will I make it through

Alone

I just wanna go home

To you

You are incredible

But you crossed a line

And this time

There's no crossing back

There's not a chance

You could just dance your way back into my heart

And just once again say

I love you

I love you, its true

Because you're just lying

Like you always do

And I promise you

You wont lie to me again

Unrequited

I see your smile

A shining, glimmering look in your eyes

I hear you laugh

And it's baffling

How lovely it sounds

My heart pounds around you

As does my head

From the feeling of dread

Knowing that my love is unrequited

Fridge Door

The taste of juice

Sweet, sour

Hour by hour

I drink more

Opening the fridge door

Over and over

Until it's all gone

Because that juice

So sweet and sour

Reminded me of you

With each cup I filled up

To the brim

With each sip

I sobbed

With every lick of my lips

I cried

With every refill

I choked back a bawl

And with every spill

I died

I've not lied

About this juice

I miss you

With every sweet and sour sip

With every pulpy glass of tears

Now I must get more

And at the store

I secretly take some beer

To drown out the taste of you

My Nightshade

Shining

And violet

Deadly nightshade

That sways in the wind

As your voice slowly fades

Further and further

Yet right in my face

You go with the wind

Like that deadly nightshade

Beautiful and vicious

Pretty and delicious

And petty

And tearful

And toxic

And fearful

And fine

But no longer mine

My handsome nightshade

Home

I am cold

I'm alone

Someone show me

How to get back home

I'm afraid

I am laid

Dead in the snow

Dead alone

But alive inside

My pride

Keeps me from asking for help

From saving myself

From those pills on the shelf

Oh well

Yes I know

I should go

Down that road

But I don't

Wanna be alone

I just wanna go home

Yes But No

I feel like an importer

Like my body isn't mine

I find that I foster dysphoria

And dysmorphia

I think I just hate myself

Help

I want safety

And a home

And love

And to be alone

But no

Keep your head down

Show no smiles

Show no friends

Hands in your pockets

Shut your mouth and lock it

Show nothing and everything

Be something

Be hot

Not ugly

Be perfect

Not fucked up

Say yes a lot

And don't you dare mess up

Blood

Blood drips

From my lips

My heart tips

Like the titanic

I slowly

And quietly

Die

Dripping blood from my eyes

And falling to the ground

Safe and sound

In the clutches of a bloody death

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