Chapter 5

A Very Gay Man in a Coffee Shop

A man sits in a coffee shop

Scalding coffee with to sugars and a creamer

He looks at his watch

This man is a dreamer

He sees the world in rainbow

And his life in shimmering gold

This man sits in this coffee shops

With thousands of words untold

He wears loafers and turtlenecks and black slacks

Sipping his drink

And thinking

About the wonders of the world untold

Cherry Blossoms

Cherry blossoms in winter

Float in the air

A swirling, pink haze

Leaving me in a daze

The beautiful trees pull my gaze

To everywhere

But itself

Its magically gorgeous

And tragically sad

When it dies

The blossoms turning brown

Falling down

Until the beautiful tree

Is no more

Worship You

A joking smile

On your face

We talk for a while

Until I am exiled to shame

To blame

To wondering what I did wrong

To make this happen

Your hand lovingly caressed mine

Softly running your fingers on my skin

You pulled me in

To a scarily amazing moment

My dear

I fear

I shall exist no more with you gone

You were my life

My rock

I shall not walk amongst this world without you here

My dear

I miss you more than I would miss the sun if its light went out

I miss you more than anything

If I could just have you back I'd worship you

I'd get on my knees and pray for you

I swear

Its true

You could shower upon me insults and abuse

I'd still worship you

You are my religion

Its my decision

And I choose you

I'm not the boy I used to be

I had to change for you

And I regret everything and nothing

Because the old me wouldn't worship you for a thousand moons

I hope I'll see you soon

I miss you

Please

Let me worship you

I'm no longer human

I'm a creature of love

A love purely bright like a dove

I've missed your words

And your touch

It's absurd

How these feelings will come but refuse to go

I'm broken and flawed

But I'll worship you nonetheless

I still have that picture of you in your beautiful dress

Am I a joke to you

Is that why you left me a mess

Or will you come back

To sew up this tattered dress

And turn it into a beautiful gown

Don't let me drown

Pull me out of the water

So I can continue to worship you

My god

Lying To You

I don't want live

Without you here

Are you lying in a coffin right now

While I'm wondering how

You could do that to me

Selfishly

Doing exactly what I said I wouldn't

Missing you

I guess it wasn't true love

It was just lies

Now I lie here

Crying

And sobbing over you

I can't let go

I'm not that strong

But it would've been easier

If you just told me what I did wrong

How Was Your Day?

My day was absolute shit

I blamed myself

Shamed myself

Aimed for greatness

But settled for tears

Encompassed in my fears

Crying

Sobbing

Bawling

Crawling out of the bottomless pit

My day was absolute shit

I cried

And died inside

A little more

I longed for them

I cried for them

I write about them

And I would fight for them

Tonight

I won't cry again

But now its ten PM

And I'm sobbing in my bed

You said

You'd never leave

But you lied to me

So goodnight to my day

Of absolute shit

Can't, Won't, Didn't, Don't

I am a shell of myself

Empty and hollow

Reality is a hard pill to swallow

I wallow

In self pity

Someone kill me

I watch life from outside of my body

Watching it unfold as I remain untold

My soul was sold to sadness long ago

Along with my sanity

Oh me oh my

I cry

Every night

As I fight with myself

To right

The wrong

I made happen

You left

I said I wouldn't care but I do

Because you

Didn't even say goodbye

How do I forgive that

As a matter of fact

I can't

And I won't

And I didn't

And I don't

And I am

Simply an entity

Of jealousy

Have you already replaced me

Do you smile for someone else

Laugh for them

Cry for them

Would you die for them

Do you love them

Well if you do

Fuck you

Why did you do this to me

I selfishly

Write them poems to the world

Wondering why I had hurled

myself at you

Wondering what did you do

To be so addicting

In the game that was our relationship

You were winning

And you left me on the titanic

As it began to tip

You left me to drown

I came down

With a bad came of lovesickness

I was addicted to your voice

I had no choice

But to

Love you

Its true

Then you left with no warning

Leaving me mourning

Your loss

Are you alive or dead

I wonder

As I lie awake in bed

How did I trust you

I can't

And I won't

And I didn't

And I don't

You closed the door and don't look back

You made living a chore

I just want to crack

Or crumble

I'm stumbling

Under the weight of the pressure

I for sure

Will break soon

And when I do

You'll probably laugh

Rotten Apples

Rotten apples

Fall from my tree

Of sanity

And they are rotten

And forgotten

Because I am not sane

My brain

Is a swirling mess

Of pain

And confusion

I've gained nothing here

And nothing from the last 8 years

Of therapy

Glowing Red

My lust for you burned like a thousand suns

My cheeks glowed red

And I layed in bed

Touching myself to your words

I heard you call me puppy

And I simply melted

Your body is amazing

I was always left craving more

Of your sweet, melodious touch

It was too much

I can hold in the sounds

When you talk to me like that

And my cheeks glow red

When I lay in bed

Taking pictures for you

So you can be pleased

As I am

Servant

I feel a chill in my bones

As you call me your own

I was you puppy

Your servant

Your dog

My head was clouded in fog

That blocked the word no from my vocabulary

I would do anything

Dance

Sing

Cry

Sing

Die

Anything

I was your loyal subject

A reject

For you to play with

Biologically Her

I can't see

Or feel

What is fake

What is real

What is good

What is bad

What is happy

What is sad

I'm confused

Mentally bruised

And physically cut

But

I can still see my reflection in the mirror

I don't want to see her

And I don't want to be her

I want to put her in a coffin

Locked in

And thrown to sea

So I don't have to see

Me

Myself

I

I lie

I say I'm fine

I walk a fine line

Between okay and not okay

Just so I can say I'm fine

When I'm not

Because I can't change the fact that I'm biologically her

Indie

Gay

Blue hair

Liberal with pronouns

Is a noun

Gay

No hair

Blind

Gravely beautiful poetry

Florence

This is a joke

Soldier, Poet, King, Joker

My life is a joke

I'm lost in the smoke

In the smog

In the fog

In the clouds

The lights are too loud

I feel like I'm going to drown

In sights and sounds

My head pounds

With every word spoken

I'm breaking and broken

Glued together with honey

And cured with money

And therapy that I don't use

I simply confuse myself

And call my life a joke

Sunrise to Sunset

Sunrise

Sunset

I'm deep breathing

I'm upset

I remember

I forget

I am happy

I'm depressed

I am okay

That's a lie

I lay in the glass

And look at the sky

My last sight is the sun

As I close my eyes

And bask in the glow

And die

My soul floats

Then returns

When I wake up

And cry

And sigh

Because I'm alive

Though I did die

For five years

Now the tears flow

While I go

Back inside

To try again tomorrow

Sunrise

To sunset

Smiling Ghost

For the first time in a while

I smile

Shaking off the ghostly gloom

Rising from my tomb

Floating away from you

To my future

Lemons

When life gives me lemons

I squirt them in my eyes

I don't try

I don't take them

And make lemonade

I am made of stupidity

Oh me

Oh my

I squirt them in my eyes

It burns

I squirm

As the lemons go in my eyes

Cracks in the Pavement

There are cracks in the pavement

That paves the way

To a brighter future

Where I can say

"I'm okay."

And be honest

And cope with the comments

And the feelings

Even when I'm keeling over on the floor

Where I wont run out the door

To a tall death

Where I will no more

Get so upset

And die inside

My Name is Elliot

Waiting for the day to end

Is the same as waiting to wait again

I count the days

One, two, three…eleven, twelve, thirteen

Because maybe it will make

Them go faster

Instead the minutes set in place like plaster

I'm simply here

Me, Elliot, fourteen

Feeling in between

And unsure

But the waiting is torture

I worry

About the flurrying thoughts

That brought me fear

I'm simply here

Panicking

Trembling

Frantically scrambling

To gather my feelings

But rather, I scratch

And detach

The distance

Is formed in an instant

Constantly

Haunting me

Tauntingly

Laughing joking

Poking the bear

That lies there

Gathering emotion

Amongst the commotion

I check off the days

Thinking of ways

To make time move

So I dont lose

The game

For my name

Is Elliot, and I'm done with all this

Disorders

"I'm full."

"I'm not hungry."

"I wanna bash in my skull."

"Can you hug me?"

No one needs me

I'm obsessive

I'm depressive

I'm anxious

And hyper

And heavy as lead

And tired

I'm fearful

And tearful

Very scary

But also wary

Tall

Yet small

On the inside

And personality wise

My disorders cut me down to size

When I try to order them around

They break me down

To nothing

I am nothing

OCD

The compulsion

The revulsion

That comes from not doing things right

Is quite

Obsessive

Compulsive disorder

Is oppressive

I'm depressed

And obsessed

With things

Bullies and Lectures

Distress tolerance

Coping skills

Smoking kills

You're a mess

If you're not perfect

You're not worth it

If you're not perfect

Not good enough

Strong enough

You're not life

Your life isn't rough

You're just lazy

The line is hazy

Just like the fog in my head

I'm dead

Gender Dysphoria

Elliot

Ash

Asterisk

Karma

I take a risk and change my name

This isn't a game

This is my life

My gender

My pain

My strife

And I remember

How people like me are treated

And I fear

That will happen to me too

Being trans is hard

Little Mister Perfect

Straight hair

Straight path

Straight forward

Wait a minute

That's not right

Dyed hair

Curved path

Not forward

Gay life

I always cut corners

I'm not perfect

I don't feel worth it

I feel broken

Choked

By the strangling cords of being in the closet

Mom, I'm pan

Dad, I'm trans

I walk around in cuffed jeans

And rainbow vans

I do the wrist flick

I don't like chick flicks

I'm not a girl

I don't wear dresses

Or spin

Or twirl

I'm sorry

But my hair is dyed

My path isn't straightforward

I'm headed towards

The LGBTQIA+ center

But

I'm still sorry

I'm a boy

But I'm not little mister perfect

Seen in a Scene

44DD

That's my bra size

I wish I didn't have them

But I'm too young for top surgery

Goodness me

I'm biologically a girl

But I don't want to be

It's scary

Having tits

When you want to be a boy

It annoys me

That I was born this way

Destined to be seen

In this scene I act in

Seen as a girl who's acting

Dear Five Year Old Me

Dear five year old me

Don't worry

It'll be fine

I'm still alive

I'm here

Talking to you my dear

It's okay

I promise

You'll get your day

I swear

I don't care

How hard it gets

Don't sweat it

Don't cry

Don't die

It'll be okay

I'm speaking to you right now

Does that prove I'm alive

I'm not gonna lie

It's hard

But you'll get through this

You can do it

Go little rockstar

I know you'll make it far

If you just keep trying

You might start sighing

But you wont end up dying

So stay

And play

With the other kids

Wrists

My wrists

Are stained in blood

One kiss could've healed me

Saved me from this prison

But as the old quote goes

Two men sat behind bars

One saw mud

The other saw stars

Here we are

Separated together

I see mud

And blood

What do you see

I wish it were me

Smiling back at you as we held hands

But instead of kissing me

I'm staining

Myself

In my own blood

Pile of Soot

A single drop

Slides down my face

As I chase

My old self

That's slowly dissipating into smoke

I try to run

But I'm too slow

And I miss her by a mile

It takes a while

But I finally get to the soot covered spot

That stinks with the stench of rot

I sob

And cry

And fly into an infectious rage

I tear at the floor

And swear at myself

"FUCK!" I yell

Oh well

Not everything works out

But still my fingernails bleed as I dig and shout

Wishing she would come back

Turn around

Hear me yell out

And save me

Yet she speared me

With her pointy forked tongue of lies

What lies beneath her surface

I ponder

As I dig into the soot

And crawl on foot

To where she once was

Trying to go back

My hands are stained black

From digging in the soot

Inch by inch

Foot by foot

I dig deep

My nails rip off

My hands bleed

I want her back

I need

Her to return

To save me from burning up too

Where are you, me

We are the same but different

I'm scared

And you feel nothing

Are you being honest or bluffing

You must feel something

Oh dear

I've dug down to the bone

I cried alone

In the cold and the dark

Hoping for a smoldering spark of her to come back

And embrace me

Fuck You, Mother and Father

You made these tears fall

As you rebuilt the wall

You're trying to break down

I break down

And frown

Because you're such bitches

I'm itching

And scratching my neck open

As I try to level my anger

Fuck you mother and father

Flavors

Sweet like candy

Sour like lemons

Everything's just dandy

No its not

Never

Never could it be

Goodness me

I'm fucking mad

At you

And the world

And me

How could it be

That things got this bad

Where I'm just so fucking mad

At you mom

And you too dad

Now it's just salty and grainy like sand

From the bricks I used to build a wall between us

The Feelings Wheel

Happy

Sad

Angry

Bad

Optimistic

Weak

Insecure

Bleak

Eager

Let down

Distant

Stressed out

Bored

Hostile

Repelled

Awful

I feel…when you said…

Don't worry

Use the feelings wheel

How

How do I feel

How do I know

How can I tell what I think

I'm just so overwhelmed

I think I need a drink

Liar Liar

Liar liar

Pants on fire

I dislike you

No I don't

I'll be honest

No I won't

You're a saint

No I ain't

I paint myself with lies

I know I'm petty

But I'm not ready to stop

To drop

The facade

What the Fuck is Love

I'm gonna cry

I want to die

I'm gonna commit suicide

I don't want to live like this

I feel like shit

My hands are covered in the ashes

Of our burnt relationship

You broke the trust

For some affection and lust

Now I must fix that

But what if I don't want to

I don't want to be around you

I'm sorry

But I'm not your loving little boy anymore

I'm a lying, angry whore

Who just wants to feel whatever the fuck love is

Guilt

I feel guilty

I'm a horrible person

I'm mean

I don't deserve kindness

I'm blind to feelings of goodness

And goodness

I feel so guilty

Autopsy Report

I thought you were the one

My dear

But now we're done

And I fear

I'll die

Without you here

Our relationship was destructive

And we were disruptive

To each other

Pulling down one another

When we began to drown

You were my angel

Images of you still flash through my head

Will they just pronounce me dead already

Prepping for an autopsy

Lay me down on a table

Label my name

And the old identity I hade

That I could never quite shake

The table quakes

As they cut me open

Making a bloody X

Over my chest

My breasts

That I wish I didn't have

But I'm alive

I'm breathing and crying

Slowly dying

As they cut me open

And make the bloody red X

Whats next

I'll go in a coffin

Coughing up blood from my living autopsy

What's wrong with me

My heart is still pumping

Yet I did nothing

When they cut me open

On the autopsy table

My vitals were perfectly stable

But they cut me open anyways

Regardless of the fact

That I wasn't dead

And lording that fact

Over my dying head

As I lay on my deathbed

Crying

Sighing

Waiting for my time

To come to an end

My only friends is the maggots

Crawling through my eye socket

Eating my brain

As I'm screaming in pain

But how ironic

Maggots eating a faggot

Tragic

There's a note in my pocket though

And I know what it says

It reads:

'Dear mom and dad,

I'm sorry I died

I'm sorry I made you cry

I'm sorry.'

And I truly am

There's holes in my head

I'd be better off dead

Yet I live

And give myself up

To the darkness and dirt

The bugs and the worms

I listen to the conversations overhead

Letting the roots of the flowers people left

Grow into my brain

The strain

Is agonizing

I'm starting to die

But I've never felt more alive

So I'll dive head first into hell

Oh well

I haven't even believed in hell or heaven

Since I was eleven

Or maybe seven

Whenever I first tried to hurt

Now I'm lying in cold

And darkness

And dirt

Holding my rotting stomach

Finally happy with myself

Ever since I was on the autopsy table

Butterflies

Butterflies fly

Along with the time

With the wind out the door

They keep going forward

Towards the newest place

With dewey and lace patterned leaves

They both leave us to be

Alone

Princes in the Sun

You:

Soft skin

Cute smile

Plump lips

Hot body

Curvy hips

Tall

Nice tits

Orange hair

And as fair as Snow White

Me:

Ugly

Tall

Fat

Sick of it all

Annoying

Shaped like a ball

And disgusting

Like the Witch of the Waste

So you VS me

Isn't even a contest

You being perfect

And me being detestable

That time we met

I still get

Flashbacks

To the day you said you liked me

And I didnt believe you

I still don't

I can't and I won't

Because this isn't Beauty and the Beast

This is you and me

And I'm not a prince

I've never been one

I've never sat in the sun

And sang to birds

Or said the words

That they wanted me to say

I'm just ugly, and fat, and annoying, and gay

I'm not a princess either

I'm just trans

Scars

I've never been pretty

I've never been smart

I've never been normal

I just have scars

Scars on my arms

And scars on my legs

Scars on my stomach

And scars on my head

Scars on my shins

And tits

And I love it

So much I just can't stop

It all started when I was eight

In second grade

With a stick for a blade

In the cool, dim shade

I would scratch myself

Then the sticks turned to X-actos

I can never go back to those

Days where I was scarless

And clean

And I beamed with a genuine smile

That hasn't happened enough for a while

I think I need help

Save Me

Save me from myself

I need your help

I'm fucking dead inside

But scared to die

But scared to be alive

And scared to try

Save me from myself

From the pills on the shelf

That save me

That don't work

My head hurts

Is it worth it

I'm not so sure

Not anymore

I feel bored

And ignored

Like a whore

Like a bore

Like a chore

Like a doormat

I feel ugly

And fat

And this

And that

I eat too much

I don't eat enough

I'm tired

I'm fucked up

I'm crying

I'm sobbing

I'm bawling

My head is throbbing

I'm dizzy

Even though I'm sitting down

I wish no one else were around

I wish I were at home

Alone

In the bathroom

With my phone

And a knife

Sending one last quick nude

Before I end my life

I'll put the knife to my throat

And gloat

To myself

That this is better

And quicker

Than the pills on the shelf

But

First I cut and cut

Bleeding sweet, sweet blood

Needing it back

There's not enough

To keep my heart pumping

Thumping

Slowly coming to a halt

As I slit my throat

Just to rub salt

On the wound

I'll go to my tomb

Probably in a dress

A total mess

But it's nothing less

That utter perfection

Now you don't have to save me

The Sad Pianist

The sad pianist

Was a dreamer

But he spent his life

Pouring tea

And coffee creamer

He was a pianist and a barista

Currently learning

A piece of a new song

But every note was wrong

So he gave up

And went bankrupt

And spent every day

In the darkened gloom of his room