Chapter 4

Broken Anchor

I miss hurting myself

I miss starving myself

I miss being with them

I miss missing them

I miss their love

I miss their care

I miss everything about them

They were my rock, my heart, and my anchor to sanity

Now that they're gone I've lost my gravity

I'm floating through space and time

Missing what once was mine

And missing how I dealt with them leaving

I miss so much and I've missed so much by being in here

But what can i say

There's no one to blame but me

That's the one thing I'm honest about

Still Stuck

I'm trapped

I'm stuck

I'm fucked

I'm screwed

That's the truth

But who'd want to believe the truth of a liar

I change what I can but it's not enough

I'm still stuck

I'm ill

I'm mental and pathological

Suicidal, homicidal, dysphoric, dysmorphic

How do I change that

I try

Yet I fail

Happiness is my holy grail

But instead I sob and wailin myepisodes

Because I'm trapped

I'm stuck

I'm fucked

And I'm screwed

My Collection of Losses

I'm a collector

I collect things

And feelings

And thoughts

And relationships

I'm also a loser

In both senses

I lose things

And feelings

And thoughts

And relationships

Probably because I'm a loser

Otherwise known as an underdog, deadbeat, failure, etc

Both myself and my bullies have taught me that

Apparently my only personality traits

Are being a loser and a collector

I wish people would see me as anything else

Anything, hopefully better

But I'd take worse too

Even though they say,

"Just don't give a shit about what people think of you."

Well guess what

That's not how it works

No

See no evil

Hear no evil

Show no pain

Feel no pain

Speak no sadness

Feel no sadness

Is the word no strong enough to stop the hurt from escaping

Or does it just delay it

Burning pain

These feeling I feel

They feel so unreal

But yet I still do feel them

I know they're wrong

Yet like a song

The thoughts swirl in my head

Leaving a trail of pain wherever my anxious pacing leads me

One step, two steps, three steps, four

I walk out the door

With a fake smile plastered on my face

Thought there's a burning pain on my arms an legs from letting out the feelings

Later I'll be kneeling

On the floor

Nauseous

From the pressurized headaches and dizziness

My disorders decide to use as a means of fucking with me

My hair tie is too tight

And my clothes are too loose but I like it that way

My insecurities are hidee that way

It's easy to hide but hard to conceal

Cuts and scars and the way I feel

I hate knowing that the easiest things for some

Are so fucking difficult for me

Why should I have to live like this even after I've tried to escape

Why won't the medication work

Why can't anything work

I just want something to work

It hurts, it hurts, it fucking hurts

Make it stop

Make the meds work

My head hurts

But I have a tolerance to tylenol now and ibuprofen doesn't work either

All the attempts build up to a visit to the psych ward

And the prices could build up to debt

But maybe next time the attempts will build up to death

Hopefully for New Years I'll be in a new stage surviving

Either living or dying

When the clock strikes twelve

Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding

Ringing coming from the alarm

Signifying the time for a decision

Deciding between real happiness or fake happiness

Sometimes

Sometimes

I feel better

Sometimes

I feel worse

Sometimes

My heart flutters

And sometimes

My heart hurts

Sometimes

Life is good

And sometimes life is bad

But this life is all I've ever had

Sometimes it's not so bad

But most of the time it really fucking sucks <3

Quotes

"How bad can it be?'

"Can't you just do things that make you happy?"

"Don't."

"No."

"Don't hurt yourself

"Stop, please? Do it for me?"

Just shut up

You don't understand what it's like for me to exist

Cutting is why I'm not dead

Though I can't say I haven't tried

Can't Someone Help Me?

My mind is swirling

My stomach is churning

My leg is bouncing

My disorders are pouncing

I miss the pain

And I miss being numb to it

I hate the strain

And I hate trying to work through it

I don't want my feelings

I don't want to feel them

Or know them

Or interact with them

I'm homicidal and suicidal

Which came first

The chicken

Or the egg

Who knows

It's just an endless cycle of confusion

One I can't escape from

One no one can help me break

Somewhere Nobody Wants Me

I'm alone in this world

The liars and the nuisances will say I'm not

And they'll say "stay."

But why should I

What reasons do I have

Why should I stay somewhere nobody wants me

Why can't I just be loved

Why

What's the point of anything

I have no motivation

No purpose

Nothing

I'm stuck in a room filled with hate and uselessness

I have no way of expressing the hurt I feel

I can't write that much

I cant cry

I can't do anything

I'm worthless

Just Like the General Population

I feel bored

Feel ignored

Feel like a whore

What's left now that I'm alone

Living for myself

Fuck no

What's left now that I've been left

A happily ever after with someone else

Fuck that

Why should I move on when I could just find an overpass and jump off

"Do a flip!"

Someone would yell as I swan dive off a cliff

Because our generation is fucked up, just like the general population

Just like

The general population

Because why ask for help when you can just hurt yourself

A few turns to ten

Ten turns to twenty

And so on

Until those few end up as hundreds and hundreds

Nothing left but cuts, cuts, and cuts

"It'll get better."

They say

But what is better

Not wanting to die

Or cry

Or whatever the fuck my disorders decide

What's the point anymore

The Ghost of Depression Past

What happened

Where did I go wrong

Did I do something to deserve this

Why do the days feel so exhaustingly long

What happened

Another higher dose

Why am I so ignored sometimes

I feel like a ghost

Merry Christmas

Have some derealization

Merry Christmas

Have some anger issues

Merry Christmas

Have some fear filled nights

But if I have no tears to cry

Why would I need tissues

I have to be strong but its hard

I have to be brave but its har

I have to stay real…

But it's so hard

Merry Christmas

Have a blade

Merry Christmas

Have some attempts

Merry Christmas

Have some pain

Merry Christmas

From your not so friendly

Fuckedup

Neighborhood bitch

Merry fucking Christmas <3

They Create Me

I'm drowning

I'm suffocating

I'm irritated

And its escalating

My feelings conflict and combine and retract all at the same time

And they create something horrible

Me

They create me

Im disgusting

Im horrifying

Im insane

Im terrifying

And I have no one to blame but myself

I shoulder all the pain myself

Or perhaps my blades do

I honestly don't know

I never know

Im oblivious

And confused

And unnerved

No ones all that impressed with my conversations

They think my self presentation is a bore

But doing all that

And even existing

Is a chore

Though they don't get that and that's good

Wishing for someone to understand would be a hideous insult

Id only wish this upon my worst enemy

Because my struggle is a giant hurricane that destroys everything that's even remotely ok

If I were even to explain I'd be going against my principles

I can't make others suffer for my sake

I'll just be self destructive instead

Piece of cake

Easy peasy

Super duper

Whatever

Fuck it all

It doesn't matter anyway so who cares

If that doesn't work I've looked up the bus fares to McCloud

I'll just do everyone a favor and run

I'll run straight to the sun and leave my life behind

I'll be gone long enough for any relationships to rewind then I'll unwind

And prepare for the last chapter of my story to come to an end

Alas, now my departure is indefinitely delayed

I hate that

And I hate myself

I hate it all

Everything

And there's no changing that

A Siren Song

What really is love

Is it a beautiful rose

Full, colorful, and glistening

Or is it a siren song just waiting to pull you in and drown you

Unfortunately it can be both

I hate how the simplest of loves can be so absolute yet so shattered

Tattered, like the sails of the ship's siren songs have brought down

Or how the most complex of loves can be completely calm

And still as an untouched lake

I hate how there's both happiness and laughs or sad, tired sighs that question the point of anything

I hate it all

Fuck it all

What really is love

Heartbreak

Heartache

Pain

Everything but happiness

I crave love

But I never want it again

Hate

I hate it all

I hate this place

I hate the doctor

I just want space

Fuck my parents

Fuck these days

I just wish there was a pause button

On everything I hate

And I hate everything

The Boy in the Tree

Once there was a boy

Who lived in Detroit

And he hadn't smiled in years

He went through the days

Sobbing but saying

"Don't worry about me."

One day they found him hanging from tree

In his own backyard

No one knew his life was that hard

Until they mourned his loss

On went the time

And slowly there grew moss

On his headstone

And one day the stone was shown

To a little girl from Texas

And she was next in

The long line of people who used that tree

That old oak tree

Eventually they cut it down

Hoping it would save the town

From another person using it

It tipped

Until it fell

And under the roots

Thy found the body

Of the first to use the tree

Long ago

Slowly the spot became covered in snow

And many years later the spot became a lake

Where a boy named Jake

Drowned himself

Ghost

I am a ghost

I float around unnoticed

I get ignored

But I'm always there

Therefore I am a ghost

On Fire

My heart is racing

And I'm facing

Another panic attack

Shaky hands

And bouncing legs

And a complete loss of appetite

I'm scared and upset

My thoughts and feelings

Swirling

Twirling

Whirling in a cerebral hurricane

I feel like hurling

But I should probably let it happen

I'm dizzy and tired

My limbs are on fire

And I cant breathe for shit

What do I do to fix this mess

What can I do to fix myself

Everything hurts and i want to cry

Or die

Or fly off a building

Please just kill me

Ditzy and Dizzy

More days pass

My energy levels running out at last

"I'm not hungry." I said

When my mother offered me a protein bar after my workout

It had been eight hours

I was exhausted but who cares

I had gotten to twelve days

At least my stomach is getting thin

With every dropped pound I have less of a chin

I'm sweating

And breathing

And stumbling

And needing

The nutrition I wouldn't let myself have

"You need to eat."

They say

But I simply respond

"It's only been a few days."

I'm scared to purge

So I purge my urges

By putting laxatives

In the cup I filled up

With orange juice

My stomach rumbles

But if I suck in my gut it doesn't do it as much

I tried to drink regular juice

but I couldn't because I cried profusely when I remembered it had calories

Even a sip of water felt like too much

So I skip yet another breakfast, dinner, and lunch

Im dizzy and my head hurts

When I stand up I prepare for the worst

That being passing out in front of everyone

But luckily it didn't happen

Luckily

If it did they would know that because of those two weeks I needed new clothes

Because of a stupid mistake I was caught

And forced to eat

But now I'm back to my bad habits in the place I got a placement in to fix a different on

I'm spiraling and starving myself

Scratching and hating myself

Even though they're trying not to let me

I try to talk

But I finally feel dizzy when I walk

Tomorrow is weigh day

Which will either become yay day or hate day

Hopefully the former not the latter

So they won't ask me, "What's the matter?"

I cant handle falling again

Because drowning hurts when you know it's happening

I think I'm drowning

At least its in water and not juice

Water doesn't have calories

So thats whats best for me to drown in

Should I struggle or sink is the question

I choose to sink so I'll finally be rid of my damn insecurities

The longer I go without food the deeper I fall into my abyss

I hate that it's come to this

I've gained back ten pounds here

And oh dear

Thats bad

I need to lose them so I wont be fat

Twenty five sit ups

Twenty five squats

And three minutes of high knees

Morning and night to assist me in the weight loss

At night I turn and toss

Overthinking everything

The thoughts in my head ring

To the tune of All I Want by Kodaline

To remind me that if I were good enough they wouldn't have left me behind

I need to cut

But

Im deprived of my deliberate death that I planned to execute to execute myself on the nineteenth

I hate that I can't do anyone that favor now that I'm here

And that I can't say goodbye to the fear

In Secrecy

Right now I feel these feelings

And perhaps one day I'll feel them healing

But for now I'm keeling over in pain and tears

In the secrecy of my room

The Liar

How can I be honest with myself

If I'm never honest with others

And even if I were honest

Who would believe me anymore

If you've been keeping score

Its honesty zero and lying four million

I'm no longer me

I'm an entity of lies

As I live on the truth dies

It tries to crawl from the pits of hell

As I dwell

On thoughts of what I've said

But the red blood I bled

Filtered out out my filter of honesty

Goodness me

I'm a liar

Therapy Session

I spill my guts

About what I've done

To my therapist

My last assignment was to make four lists

One, things that piss me off

Two, things I hate about myself

Three, things I like about myself

And four, why self harm is bad

I finish them in fifteen minutes

Because I work too fast

Now I have nothing to do

So I sit here typing poetry for you

To read and enjoy

Or hate and destroy

I don't really care

It's not my book

It's yours to read and look at

Whether you think my poems are good or bad

I don't really care

If I feel sad

I'll talk about it in a therapy session

Where we talk about my thoughts, feelings, urges, and obsessions

I feel this or I feel that

I feel good or I feel bad

Get the feelings wheel

And learn how to deal with my problems

I need something to do

To give to her

To deliver

So I feel accomplished

In my therapy sessions

She gives me homework to do

And again I finish nine pages

In fifteen minutes

The work is like a gimmick

A short occupation

Then it comes to my realization

That I learned something

But now I have again,

Nothing to do

I feel bored and unamused

So I write and I type

And I think and I write

Some more

I've finished my chores

So I write again

And tomorrow at ten

I'll have another therapy session

Mushroom Music

Mushrooms can talk

And converse

And speak

They talk to the trees

Mushrooms can make music

If you have a radio transmitter

And know how to use it

Oh mushroom music is beautiful

Wonderful

Mystical

Magical

Fantastical

Mushrooms can speak to each other

And to trees

And to you and me

If you're smart enough to figure out how

Crying in the School Bathroom

I'm sobbing

My head is throbbing

I'm crying

My head is dying

I'm fucking panicking

The ceiling looks like bugs

I can feel them crawling on me

Endlessly

Inside and out

I want to shout "Help me."

"Please."

I'm scared

Of what's out there

Out in the world

The school

The halls

I'm scared of it all

So I'm sobbing in the bathroom

Throwing a tantrum

Hoping the random

People cant hear me scream

In pain

And strain

Over the sound of the pelting rain

On the roof

When I walk out I half to look aloof

So no one knows

No one can know

That I want to throw myself of a bridge

Into the rising waters

If I were the perfect 'daughter'

I wouldn't be sobbing in the school bathroom

I want to be in my room

In my bed

Where my head wouldn't make me want to be dead

Where my mind wouldn't shred

Itself to pieces

While I cry in the school bathroom

Lust

By Indie Olstad

The sweet taste of vanilla

Still lingers on your breath

My lips find yours

Pure bliss

A cold heaven I had found

Our demons of lust

Create ties between us

Pulling us closer together

Each time we touch

Your breath against my neck

You guide me places I've never been

I long for you

You lust for me

Knots form in your stomach

Creating a bond with me

That will never be broken

You lay before me

Your demon dancing with mine

As we find our way

Back together

Laughing While I'm Dying

I laughed as I died

Because I don't like to cry

I try

To keep my fragile smile

And laugh for a while

Because that makes the hurt alright

In the fight

Between wrong and right

And still at night

I cut and I cut

But

The next day, "I wear a mask with a smile for hours at a time."

Because the world is mine

And it can't see the tears I cry behind locked doors

While I kneel on all fours

Keeling over from the pain on my wrists and thighs

The pressure of the pressure makes me want to fucking die

But it's alright

I'll be fine

Or will I

This time

I tried again

At ten PM

I took 69 pills

But still

I tread upon this earth

With no worth

I imply exist

To resist the temptation of dying

I'm trying

To say fuck you to my enemies

Even though I laugh a lot, because I'm already dead

I'll Rock Your Shit

If you touch me

I'll rock your shit

I'll smash your face

Into the pavement

I'll hit and hit

Until your bruised and bloody

You're not my pal and not my buddy

If you fucking touch me without consent

I won't say it twice

Right now I'm being nice

And I'm saying

If you touch me

I'll rock your shit

Scratches

I'm scratching open my skin

Because of the way I think in my fucked up brain

I feel the burning pain

From the self harm

On my arms

I hate feeling this way

I don't want to feel today

All I feel is pain

In the place

Where there's now a sticky wound showing

Growing

Every time I break down

It's just how I cheer myself up

Though I know it's unhealthy I can't stop

My heart feels like it's going to pop

I can't stop this feeling in my bones

That comes with each new scratch shown to my peers

I'm spilling tears in the corner

While I'm scratching open my skin

Stargazer

The stargazer sat

And looked at the sky

Pondering why

We exist

Why do we resist

The sweet temptation of death

The stargazer smiled

As they stared at the sky

Silently thinking for a while

About the mysteries of life

They quietly stargaze

Looking at the sky ablaze with stars

Wondering why they are who they are

And watching the moon from afar

Crying

And hoping

And sighing

And moping

Because they want to gouge out the eyes they stargaze with

Oh little stargazer

Why are you so sad

When you can see the beautiful stars

From where you are

And can feel the happy magic of the wind

And the tragic death of the grass underneath you

Oh little stargazer

Please don't fade into the depths of the night

Stay in the light

And fight

To keep on stargazing

To those I've Lost

Hi, how are you

I hope you're well

It would be swell

If you could write me back

But I won't force you

Though I have some questions for you

Am I the only one who misses us

Do you think of me too

I know leaving didn't tear you apart

But please tell me you at least thought it through

What were your reasons

Did I do something wrong

You used to say we belonged together

Like a beat and a song

So dear those I've lost

What happened

What did I did you wrong

Scars

Scars and cuts

And blades and knives

We wonder what

Went wrong in our lives

To make us feel this way

To make us not want to stay

On this quiet day

We sit in the grass

And look at our scars

We look like those girls made of honey and glass

And sticky sweet ash

Instead were broken

Shattered

Worn out

Tattered

Tired

Expired

Yet admired

For being here still

Even though it kills us

To be made of shattered glass

Orange Juice In a Wine glass

Orange juice

In a wine glass

Filled with laxatives

Made to pass

As a normal drink

To clink

With the other glasses at fancy dinners

SIpping slowly

Tipping it to my lips

A drop drips down my cheek

As I chug it

Trying to make sure I drink it all

Making sure no one sees me when I fall

From the dizziness

I stumble

And mumble

Keeping to myself

Then later taking the laxatives off the shelf

To put in my orange juice in a wine glass

Roses and Thorns

Day by day

My mind falls apart like a wilting rose

The sharp, dead petals cut across my skin

In a way

That makes my blood flow

Just as a daisy shines

In the glow of the sun

I am illuminated by the moon

As my mind slowly wilts

The thorns stab me

Jabbing at me

As I cry

And die

As the rose does

When the petals begin to fly away

Withdrawal From Devotion

Beautiful rolling hills

And beautiful rolling eyes

Water, calm and still

A calm smile spilling out lies

A love so deep and true

I'm holding onto you

But you let go

And I quickly float

Back down to earth

Where I realize

I was high off of you

Your love

And touch

And feelings

And lust

Now

I must face the symptoms

Of withdrawal from those times

Withdrawal from you

From what you would do

To ease my emotions

I never eased my devotion

To you

It never wavered

Unlike yours

The Tall, Red Chimney

Off in the distance I see

The house with the tall red chimney

Surrounded by grass

With five large, glass windows

Staring back at me

Birds

And trees

Living ones and dead ones

And a neighboring house

With a tall, tan chimney

And a lovely red roof

Staring at me

Aloofly

I stare out the window

Watching my silent, inanimate friends

Hoping my moment never ends

As I look at the birds

And the trees

And the grass

And the chimneys

And the glass windows

I sit in peace

And take a sip of water

Staring at my favorite dead tree that off in the distance

The hills behind

My mind

Becomes a wave

Of quiet serenity

Because nothing is better than peacefully

Watching the house with the tall, red chimney

Stare back at me

Preselected

I reach my hand into the box

And pull out a slip of paper

'Sad'

It reads

Then I'm rushed down to earth

Into this body

My soul was labeled

And sold

To this horrible world

I'm told that I get no choice

My main emotions was preselected

Without a voice in the matter

I silently watch myself live from outside of myself

I watch myself give away my happiness

Until all that's left

Is what was preselected

I Am

I am broken

I am destroyed

I am choking

On my feelings

After being used like a toy

I'm not the kind of boy

People love

Or want

Or tolerate

I am simply me

Simply an entity

Of emptiness

I am plastic

I am disposable

I am useless

I am worthless

I have no purpose

I am me

Mom, Dad…I'm Gay

Hello family

I have something to say

I use new pronouns

And I am gay

Technically pansexual

And I use

He/they/xe

This is me

I am gay

And I am proud of that

Even if you refuse to use my correct name

I will stay prideful

And stay mindful

That I can hate you all I want

Code Orange

My emotions spread like an active disease

Through me

Through my arms

My legs

My body

My head

Fever

Cough

Chills

Yet still

I walk around perfectly fine

Walking on a careful line

To avoid falling into the hazardous wastelands

Of my mind

To avoid catching this mental pandemic

It's truly tragic

How one cut

On one night

Can lead to the choice

Between death or life

Between safety

Or disease

Please

Take me to a hospital

So I can get help

The help I need to stay afloat

In the churning water of my head

Be careful

My thoughts and emotions

Are calling a code orange

One of those girls

Do you ever just wish

You were one of those girls

Who climb up hills

And spin

And twirl

And make their dress whirl

In the wind

Do you ever wish you were one of those girls?

The Clouds

The clouds waft through the sky

Simply blowing along

Listening to the birds chirp their song

Never feeling

Just floating

Showing off

Until it rains

Thunder

Lighting

Cloudy skies

Gray and heavy like clay

It playfully electrocutes the world

Teasing the earth

With its terrifying games