Chapter 3

Game of Life

Cloudy skies, a broken sob

A thousand cries, a head that throbs with pain

I'm slowly going insane

To the sound of my own heart beating

This world and I are playing a game, and it's defeating me

You

My heart, its beating

My thoughts, they're fleeting

I think of you

What did I do

To break your heart from mine

A lonely soul

A broken whole

Made from the day you left me

A broken mess

A dirty, torn dress

Another guess

At why you left like you did

Why, oh why must I sigh because you didn't want me anymore

Just an entity left to rot on the floor

Was loving me a chore

Was I that much of a bore

That you silently go

Down the yellow brick road

Leaving my heart polluted as you went to Oz

Wasn't it odd

That you didn't even say goodbye

You just left me to cry

Left me to sigh

Left me to die

As I try

To piece myself back together

My soul is weathered

Sound, yet broken down

Lost, yet found

Alive, yet drowned

My smile, it frowns because the mask of it all has been used too much

I'd take ten thousand punches to the gut if to you I could just say goodbye

To you and the crying

And sighing

And goodbye to the dying

Instead here I stand

A lonely, scarred man

And I ponder:

Why must the fastest stars burn so bright

And why must moths love flying into the light

Oh the light

The beautiful light

I see it as I fight to end

The night, the darkness, and the sorrow

I just wish for tomorrow to come

To save me frome

Myself and my fears

Oh dear

Im broken

Soaked in tears

But cloaked in happiness and joy

Because i guess to you I was just a shiny new toy that broke

So I cloak myself

To hide my feelings I hid on the shelf high above me

Too high to reach, or feel, or deal with in this lifetime of mine

Too high to know

But I simply know they grow

Faster than belief

And against the will of relief

And still from the shelf I feel them

Haunting me

Tauntingly

Smirking

Lurking in the shadows

A deathly doom

An eerie gloom

It fills the room

With despair

A horrible scent in the air

My mind is the lair of the beast

A heart, it and I share

And too a mind

It of destruction and me of care

And it makes my heart beat

And my thoughts fleet

When I think of you

Something Said

A day passes by

Then two

Then 3

And with each one I get more lonely

A quote rings in my head

"Oh woe is me."

Said by Jacob Marley

And he

Was still miserable, even as a ghost

So now I think

Would I really be better off dead…

Or was that just something said…

By me.

Sweet Blood

The blood runs like the days do together

What they don't know hurts me not them so it's fine

Lies

All lies

I'm not fine

The silence rings so loud you could hear a pin drop on fishing line

I check the time

Only a minutes gone by

Death inches closer slower than molasses

And the molasses runs slower than blood

In Spain Without the P

I slowly go insane

With every thought that floods my brain

Deep, dark thoughts

With each one

My heart rots

For my thoughts

Run deeper and redder than blood

And with every new one

I must continue to run

From myself

Eah thought burns like a candle flame in hell

Surrounded by more of its kind

Until it becomes an explodingly bright room with a smoky smell

Her

I'm so angry right now

How

How in the hell do I cope with wanting to commit murder

Why couldn't I just be her

The stable cishet grl

Made of honey and glass

Nice body, nice ass

Instead I'm me

Fucked up, angry

Ugly and fat

I look like a rat

When I just want to look like that

Like her

The perfect girl

Instead I'm gay and confused about my gender and hey lets not forget the fucking psycotic part

This poem isn't happy

This poem isn't sad

This poem is anger

Because I'm fucking mad

The anger kid and the crazy kind

I've got a violent, fucked up mind

I should just kill myself, do the world a favor

When I asked a friend to label me as a flavor

They said:

"In the worst way possible, human bones."

It's not even plausible how these feelings are all my own

I should be dead

Not a dread

For others to have

Dead

Or someday my hands may be stained red

Im healthy, safe, divine

Of course those are all lies I made up to block out those thoughts of mine

I've come so close to crossing the line

Between dead and alive

But it isn't living if you're dead inside

Why couldn't I be her

Ugh

I'm ashamed

I'm embarrassed

I take the blame

I wary

I want to hurt

I need to cut

But

Stupid fucking body checks prevent that

Check In Words

Fragile, inadequate, distant

Those are my three check in words

Unspoken, unheard

My feelings change in an instant

I cry in the corner

Wishing I were with a coroner

My family mourning my death

Instead i'm here, day by day, morning by morning

Feeling my fears

Surrounded by peers

I'm scared

But instead of showing it I just glare

Because I mask fear with anger

I'm a danger, to myself and others

Scared

Unaware

Distant

Then suddenly in an instant

Im masking it all again

Rating my mood a ten

But feeling horrible and missing them

Blaming myself

Shaming myself

Taming my feelings

But dealing with them is hard

fragile, inadequate, distant

In an instant

I'm so fucking depressed

I'm obsessed

With my self hate

I miss my blade

I miss the self harm

On my legs

And on my stomach

And on my arm

I'm so fucking upset with it all

I'm falling

I'm drowning

And I'm calling

But I'm frowning

Because no one is calling back

Then comes the start of a panic attack

Shaking

Quaking

Curling up in a ball

Trying to escape it all

But there is no escape

Fragile, inadequate, distant

The Dead Court Jester

I loved you

You were my life

Then you left without saying goodbye

Why

It hurt like a thousand knives

It hurt worse than any other pain of mine

Though some of the wounds were self inflicted

I still felt addicted

To you

You were horribly incredible

Our conversations were the highlights of my day

Yet dreadable

Because one out of two

Were me talking you

Out of doing something bad

It makes me so fucking mad

That I'm making myself sad over love

It was the love of a fool

And I made myself the court jester

I felt like a slutty, worthless bitch when we would talk

But with every word you said

I fell in love again

And then

The cycle started over

Where was my lucky four leaf clover

Where was my will to live

Or even just a will to live

Yet my heart fell like the autumn leaves

From the old oak trees in my heart

I'll feel better when I'm dead

But for now I'll just stain myself red

With blood

With cuts

With cars

With scratches

With bars

I'll scan myself

It's fine if its a joke

Until the next time i feel the poke

Of metal on my skin

I'm dying inside

But my pride prevents me from asking for help

Oh well

It'll be fine

If I just ignore this cruel mind of mine

You were out of line

But it's fine

It's all fine

Shade, Rain, and Blades

Im fucking sad

"It's not that bad."

They'll say

But it is

"Just be happy."

They'll say

In what way

What is happy

Good or bad

A feeling or a mask

How is it made

Does it come from people or a blade

Is it sun or shade

Clouds or rain

Does it come from your heart

Or from working through pain

Is there gain

I've only felt strain

So I think its shade

And rain

And blades

I want to walk in front of a train

When I feel like his

An Actor's Lies

I was a whore for you

I think I still am

Do you miss me too

I don't know if I can live of without you

Ren

Back then

Was it all pretend

Was any of it real

What did you really feel

About me

I'm Trying

The anxiety is coursing through my veins

I try to get back my grip on the reins

Of my emotions

But they're flying away in the wind

Yet my devotion doesn't waver

I try to peel away the layers

Of my feelings

I'm coping

Instead of dying

I'm trying

To feel what I feel

And deal with it too

I'll do what I can do

To work through it

I'll tell myself I can do it

I'll work in my packets

And work through the racket

And I'll work on myself too

No longer is the anxiety everything

Now that I'm trying

Goodbye to the Blood Red Rain

On a hill

In peaceful glee

I laid still

Feeling the breeze

When a giant storm cloud

Began to float overhead

But the rain

Was blood red

Suddenly the peace was gone

I was terrified

Petrified

Where was the hill

No longer still

I run but the mud turned to quicksand

The scene was horrifyingly bleak

I felt weak

As I sunk slowly

Into a pit of emotion

Goodbye to the hill

Goodbye to the glee

Goodbye to the peace

And goodbye to the blood red rain

My dear

Im hopelessly denying

Im desperately trying

To live in this world with you gone

To live on

Without you

My life is broken

My hearts on my sleeve

My soul is out in the open

Your leaving cut deep

I loved you my dear

But now my worst fear

Has been realized

Though nothing feels real

What do I really feel

How do I deal

With you not saying goodbye

My dear

I'm still here

Waiting for you to and praying you'll

Come back to me

So I can see your beautiful face once more

Our love was broken

My heart was roped in

To a gorgeously dead relationship

And with every time I talked you out of it

My body dripped with blood

That at one point cycled through the heart I loved you with

My dear

I fear

I'll die without you here

Love is Born Broken

Love is born broken

No love is forever

And hearts are simply a token

Of the pain you create together

Love is born shattered

Love is made tattered

And none of it mattered in the end

I guess we really are better off friends

The days go by

Without you

And it is known by I,

That no love is true

No love is true

No one knows better than I do

That I'm worthless without you

You said you'd never leave

Yet with every change of the leaves

I miss you more

I thought you had died

And my soul fell to the floor

As I tried

To text you

But you walked out the door

And didn't look back

Or say goodbye

Which shattered my broken mind

And my heart

There is no new start

Not for me at least

All or nothing

For you

All my loving

Was for you

Because love is born broken

And mine was shattered, its true

Derealization

I'm alone

I'm cold

Someone please take my hand and hold

It tightly

Prove it's all real

I don't want to feel what I feel

Why did you do what you did

Why

Why didn't you say goodbye

You were my world

And you didn't even try

To say goodbye

So why

Do I still love you like I do

ED

232 to 208

"When was the last time you ate?"

They ask

And I say yesterday

But by ate I meant drink laxatives from a glass

I need to disconnect from my past

I developed and eating disorder

To try to live up to society's expectations

Because I'm too this

I'm too that

Or I'm too skinny

I'm too fat

God how I wish it were the first one

I'm so done

With this body of mine

Tick tick tick

By goes by the time

Until it somehow go to two week

I feel weak

But I'm conscious

I'm alive

But I'm not living

Not Enough

Once again it's not enough

Once again I'm not enough

I'm too this

I'm too that

I've lost too much weight

I'm too fat

I'm too happy

I'm too sad

I'm too calm

Or even too mad

I'm not good enough

I'm out of luck

I'm fucked

Because who'd want to fuck a loser

Use him

No, use her

No, use the right name and pronouns bitch

My Hell

The anger

It spreads

Through my arms

And my legs

And my head

I hate it all

I hate this fall

Into a never ending abyss

This

This is my hell

But oh well

I can take it

I can make it through

To the end of everything

Making it all better

I can be what I must for everyone else's sake

A Sea of Me

My mind swirls blankly

A full canvas, waiting to be painted again

It is the start of the end

A new dusk

And a finished dawn

All at once

Because with is a shade of rainbow

And rainbows are made of light

A calming storm

A gentle shine

A road that's torn

And shines at night

On they go

Down the yellow brick road

Onward

Onward they trek

And once again I check

Check the ever flowing time

Time which once was mine is now a wreck

At sea

A sea of me

Me oh my

My feelings see the see

But the floor is now the ceiling

And I created everything

My mind is a place of me

A Truly Shattered Heart

I'm in pain

I feel insane

What is real

What do I feel

What is fake, what is true

What can I do

To sew up my mind

After the shards of my heart shredded it

I feel disconnected

And derealized

I feel barely alive

But what is living

Is it suffering until death

Or dying until the end of suffering

Crashing the Car

I want to die

Or cry

Something, anything to prove I'm real

That my life isn't a lie

Help me

Take my hand and make me feel

Feel anything but numb

I'm so dumb

I'm stupid

I don't even know what I did to deserve this

I'm terrified

And petrified

By what I've become

But maybe someday

Ill succeed in ending my suffering

I'd do anything

To end this pain

That I've gone through with no gain

Because apparently my hurt is a one way road with only one lane

I'm driving

I'm starting to crash

I'm sleeping

I'm starting to thrash

And I'm crying

So I'll make another gash

Because once again I feel like trash

I'm dumb

I'm worthless

I'm scum

And I'm hurting

So perhaps I should end it

Goodbye world

To hope I never see you again

Yet of course I wake up

Just in time to fuck up

Because that's the disappointments job

I should be happy but I'm not

So once again I try to say goodbye

Fuck it All

I loved you

Its true

And what did you do

You tore out my heart and shredded it

Then drowned me in my own sea of love

You turned the doves

To crows

And the hearts to shears

To cut out my ear of losing you

But now it's been replaced with anger

"I'd do anything for thee, please don't ignore me."

Fuck that

And fuck you

A Stain of Red

I'm broken

My scars are a token

Of the pain I feel

Nothing feels real

The anxiety worsens

But the depression is worse and

I'd rather be dead

A stain of red

I cried as I bled

I pulled up my sleeve

To hide the bleeding I forced on myself

Oh well

"Just keep it to yourself."

"You're a whiny bitch."

"Just shut up."

Shut up, shut up."

They and I say

So to cope, instead I shut down

I'm curled up in a ball on the ground

What now?

I guess it's time for goodbye

And now I'll become a stain of red

The Light in the Room

A light goes on in a room

The glow pushes back the gloom

In the room I sat in the dark

Waiting for a spark

That never came

So when that light shone,

In a yellowish-lime tone

A voice whispers, "Look at the pile of bones."

Because I have died

What may you ask is my name?

My name is death

Tears in the Abyss

Into the abyss I fall

Away from it all

Silently dying as i disappear

From here

I slowly fade from this world

Quiet yet finally heard

A beautiful fear

Scared and completely alive

I try to sit still as I fall

Away from it all

Into the abyss

And tears drip

My emotions rip

My mind to shreds

And while carrying it back

I lost a piece or two along the way

Just a few shreds

Of my soul

A few parts of a whole

When I put it back together

It is now weathered

Beaten and broken

Cold and soaked in the tears that drip

Candy Glass

How do I say

That I'm not okay

When I'm the one whos always fine

Everyone has their thing

And faking being fine is mine

And I cant break from the line

My emotions are candy glass

Shattered by the slightest tap

Shards of angry and happy and sad

And the dust of anxiety and suicidal ideation has

Polluted my heart

And hidden my spark

Making every step a trek

And every day a wreck

So how do I say I'm shattered

Day and Night

Day by day

Night by night

Smile by smile

Fight by fight

By day there's sadness and loss

At night I turn and toss

Thinking about the mistakes i've made

And the mistake I was in life

And I try to fix myself

With every touch of the knife

So "Goodbye to the days,

Goodbye to the night,

Goodbye to the smiles,

And goodbye to the fights."

I will whisper that as I end this wretched life tonight

Died Again

Loneliness, it consumes me

Surrounding

Engulfing

Drowning me

I feel chills

As I lay still

Wondering what happened

To us

To you

To me

Is it true

That there were once apples

On your true love tree

Could it be

It wasn't all a lie

Even though I've already died again and again

For you Ren

I'd come back to life

Though your leaving pierced me like a knife

I'd rush back at any moment

For you

And so I too

Will no longer be lonely

If only

It were true

The blue of the sky became gray

When I saw you say

"I'm leaving."

Oh no

I'm falling

Catch me please

I know you could've with ease

But you chose not to

Save me

I beg you

I feel dead

As I am no longer, and never was living

I was simply giving away pieces of my soul

And seeing as I am no longer whole

I shall let the loneliness

Consume me

The Past isn't the Past

What happens when someone is gone

Do they move on

Or die

Or replace you

Or cry

Or sigh

Or feel bad

Or sad

Or mad

Or anything at all

Or was I the only one falling

After losing our love

Peter

Peter is my brain worm

He tells me to say things

Such as phrases or words

Or sometimes he says "sing!"

I have a lack of impulse control

And because of that

Peter can pull

My marionette strings

Sometimes there are bad things

He makes me say

Sometimes I wish he'd go away

But he stays

Sometimes he's funny

And sometimes he's not

Sometimes he makes honey

And sometimes he makes rot

Sometimes his hold is loose

But sometimes it strangles me

Like a noose

He dangles

From my frontal lobe

And I just wish peter would go away

Those Hazel Eyes

I hate that you left

But I don't blame you

I'm so awful that I'm surprised you didn't do it sooner

I can't blame you

Your beautiful hazel eyes

Your adorable smile

Your perfectly placed freckles

I haven't seen any of it for a while

I'd die for just one more chance

To hear you say my name

But unfortunately

I have to take the blame

The shame

I miss you so much i forgot my name

I just remember you

Do you ever think of me too

Do you cry

Did you die inside

I hope so

But I hope not

I hope that I'm the only one so lonely

I forgot

My name

Forever A Death

I wanna die

I wanna cry

Anything to heal the pain

Even temporarily

Life is scarily hard

It hurts to breathe when my existence grabs me by the throat and starts to smother me

It wraps me in a suffocating, motherly hug

I feel alone

Nowhere feels like home

Not even my own bed

I wish I were dead

Stained red

Not empty

Because they all left me

And my mindset is shit

I guess this is it

I won't amount to anything

Ever

I can't even get my emotions together

I'll spend forever

Wallowing in self pity

Until I die

Friendship Sucks Dick

Friendship

Here's a tip

Just don't

Then you wont get hurt

The betrayal sucks dick

And the pain burns

It starts out as a beautiful fern

And ends in burning flames

Blood Ties

Is family made

Of blood or connections

What secrets hide under perfection

Did the neighbors here the yelling

Are they talking

As they walk down the street

Gossiping to their wives

About our lives

While I cry

And slice myself with knives

Because the pressure becomes too much

And so do the bad nights

With loud fights

And crying

I've been dying

For a while now

So how

Is family made?

On and On

I look at my scars

With a far off look in my eyes

Zoning out to the memories

I see

Myself sitting there

Beware

The thoughts

They scare me

I'm powerless and weak

Dark and bleak

And they reek of despair

It wafts through their

The wind pushing it further

And on and on

Never gone

Simply waiting to circle back

Beware the thoughts

Moment of Memories

Memories bring back you

Dancing in the rain

A single tear drop falling from your eye

You and I

Only we exist

Neither of us resisted the romantic urge

With every glace

Love sparked

With every chance

We stole another kiss

And this

Was the only moment in time

It was only yours and mine

Smiles and tears

For a while all our fears disappeared

It was the greatest thing I'd ever been through

The memories bring back you

Then I wake up

And realize it was just my dream

Dear Robert Frost

I look and I wonder

I watch and I ponder

Will I ever be good enough like them

I should be at a crossroads at this age

But instead i sit still

In the eye of a swirling storm of pain

If I were at a crossroads

Both roads would lead to an end

But one could lead to that faster

If I were strong enough I might take the hard path

But as Robert Frost wrote,

"Two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the path less traveled by."

Though that path is easier the trek to it is difficult

The obstacles and roadblocks are difficult

But

The end of the line could be peaceful or painful

Who knows

Everyone has a different ending

Because they were all spending their time differently

Some people glide through life in a shiny car given to them by their loving father

And some haven't even heard the word love in years

And they spent them in tears

Though sometimes the perfection is an act

And sometimes the depression is an act

I'm scared to keep going, and to find out what my path is

I'm scared

But what I fear most

Is myself

So dear Robert Frost,

What is my road in the woods?

Fucked Up Family Picnic

Fresh air

Sunlight hits my face

Music overwhelming my senses

The grass wets my socks as I toss the frisbee

We're like a fucked up family

Having a BHA monitored fucked up family picnic